


Outlander: We Are Home

by Imzadi81



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance, Suspense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-10-11 14:32:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 126,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10467255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imzadi81/pseuds/Imzadi81
Summary: Four years after Jamie sent Claire through the stones, Claire finds out that Jamie is still alive. With her daughter by her side, Claire returns to Lallybroch and her beloved Jamie but not everything goes as planned. Spoiler post season 2 / Dragonfly in Amber. This story is still ongoing so please feel free to review or submit a suggestion.





	1. The Lie

**We Are Home**

“Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.” Claire gasped as she read the words again. She hadn’t meant to read Frank’s mail but had opened it by mistake without thinking when she had seen that it was sent from Reverend Wakefield.

_‘I have found the evidence you requested, the enclosed document confirms that one James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser was indeed captured by the British after the battle of Culloden but was later pardoned after two years of incarceration along with his men after his claims that the signature on Prince Sturts decree was not his as he was not in France at the time of its creation. Having sworn his allegiance to the rightful King he was returned to his state at Lallybroch, and ordered to help the British reclaim the Scottish lands as their own….”_

“He’s alive!” The other letters fell to the floor as she read the words over and over again, her legs buckling from under her as she sat in the hallway of the home she shared with Frank. Holding the letter tight, tears running down her face. Frank had sworn that he had proof that he had died. Just two nights ago he had confirmed as much as we had sat by the fire retracing the genealogy of another client, who had been related to one of our brave fighters so long ago. But this letter had been sent a week ago, “ _it is confirmed_ ” the reverend had written. How could Frank have lied to her like that? Did he lie? He could think of no other reasonable explanation. Would he tell her? A thousand thoughts ran through her mind. Why had he kept this from her? Startled by the sound of something falling behind her, she recalled what she had been doing before the envelope had changed her life.

“Why are you crying mummy?” Her beautiful red headed Scot asked her from behind her father’s piercing blue eyes. She held out her toy rabbit and offered it to her. She was barely four, but already wise beyond her years. She was tall like him, and when she laughed, she could hear his own laugh echoed within her. Reaching out to take her daughters beloved toy, she choked back her tears, wiped her face and smiled reassuringly.

 

JAMMF

 

“Mummy just got a letter from an old friend that’s all.”  I smiled, hugging the rabbit and giving it back to her. “What shall we have for dinner? Daddy will be home soon.” I asked her as I returned the letters to the front dresser and took her hand, leading her into the kitchen, the Reverends letter hidden in my pocket.

“Sketti.” Brianna answered with a wide grin as she held out her hands asking to be embraced.

Taking her in my arms I hugged her tight before picking her up and placed her on the table beside me. As I tied my apron on I couldn’t resist bopping her on the nose as I agreed, “Sketti it is then.” I never had learned to cook, but I could make a decent version of spaghetti and meatballs. We fumbled our way through the recipe, as always, and before I knew it dinner was ready. I fed Bree as we ate together by the late afternoon light, laughing at her wild stories and playing tea parties, before bathing her quickly and putting her to bed. By the time Frank got home it was already dark, as was quiet common. We had never managed to find our spark again, not since my return and it was taking its toll on both of us. Frank had started staying later and later at work, or so he told me, and it had been months since we had shared the same bed. Tonight, I had determined that I would ask him about the letter, to set things clear once and for all.

“How was your dinner?” I asked, sitting opposite him at the table as I sipped on my whiskey, watching him nibble at each spoonful while he read the evening paper.

“It’s good.” He replied as always. Not lifting his eyes to look at me when he answered.

“Did you read the mail today?” I began, better now than never I thought, just like tearing off an old bandage.

“No.” He looked up at me briefly, “Anything remarkable?”   
“We received a letter from Reverend Wakefield.” I began. “He has some interesting news.” I saw the blood fade from Frank’s face as his hand froze, halfway between the bowl and his chin. He looked up at me and his eyes bore into mine with an odd mixture of anger and regret.

“Claire.” Frank began, struggling to find the words, but I cut him off.

“I thought we had an agreement.” I reminded him, “You asked me not to speak of my time with Jamie and in return you promised to find out what happened, and not to lie to me.”

“I don’t know what to say?” Frank looked defeated, almost relieved, why wasn’t he putting up a defence?

“You could start by telling me why you lied to me.” I begged, my hands now curled into fists as I leaned forward, ready to pounce. “You told me he was dead.”  
“For god’s sake Claire. What did you expect me to tell you?” He finally bit back, “He’s always going to be there between us, hanging over our heads.” Frank stood up now, leaning hard on the desk as he tried to control his anger.  
Matching his stance, I stood up unable to control my own. “And that’s my fault?” I bellowed at him.

“Yes. No. God I don’t know.” He shook his head, then turned away a moment.

There was an air of blame, of accusation in his tone like I had chosen to disappear all those years ago. “I didn’t ask for any of this.” I reminded him.

“Neither did I.” He yelled back, “But he’s a part of our lives now whether I like it or not.” He vexed, glancing toward the hall leading to Bree’s room. I stood back, disgusted, angered, he’d never taken this out on Brianna before, never showed anything but affection for her, but now there was a flicker of resentment, of jealousy in his eye as he mentioned her.

“We’ll no one is forcing you to stay.” I reminded him, I had money of my own, I could support Bree and myself well enough if need be. It was clear to me by now that Frank and I would never be to each other what we once were. “If it’s that hard for you why do you stay?”

“Damn it Claire.” He swore at me, pushing the bowl away forcefully as he threw his napkin down and headed for the door. “Sometimes I ask myself the same question.” He reflected as he grabbed his coat and headed for the door, as he often did after one of our brawls. Only to return hours later, stone drunk and broke, smelling of cheap perfume. I didn’t even try to stop him this time, I just let him go.

As the familiar click of the front door latching echoed down the hall I sat at the table and took the letter out of my pocket, reading it over and over again. What was I going to do? I searched through the hallway table to find the number to Reverend Wakefield’s cottage in Inverness. I needed to speak to him, I needed to seek council from Mrs Graham, I prayed she might have some answers for me. But as I dialled the number and waited for the call to connect, my hand shook and I found myself mute. The voice at the other end of the line enquired as to who was disturbing them so late at night, but I couldn’t answer. Instead I found myself hanging up forcefully and looking to the closed door at the end of the hall.

 

JAMMF

 

Surprised hardly covered the expression on Reverend Wakefield’s face as he opened his door six days later to find me and Bree standing on his doorstep. I had decided against telling him of my plans in case he had tried to talk me out of it, or had informed Frank in the hopes that he would stop me. To my delight Mrs Graham was still in his employ and had greeted us with great joy as she embraced me tightly then grabbed a nervous Brianna by the hand and offered to show her where the cookies were hidden in the kitchen. A gesture for which I was most grateful. I told him about the letter and about Frank, he wasn’t surprised that we had found it difficult to make things work. He told me everything he knew about Culloden, about Lallybroch and I listened with baited breath as he spoke of Jamie and his men.

“The wee one is off with the fairies.” Mrs Graham informed me as she brought in a fresh pot of tea and some cake. “I put her in Rogers room for the night, I hope you don’t mind.”

I reached out and grabbed the cup she offered, “Thank you.” I acknowledged as I took a sip. I hadn’t realised how long I had been sitting there, the hour was quite late but I had no desire to sleep.

“What do you intend to do?” Mrs Graham asked me bluntly as she sat down beside us, a look of dread mixed with excitement on her face. “Surely you don’t mean to try and go back?”  
I had thought of nothing else since I had read that letter. “I can’t see any other way. If he’s alive I need to go to him.”   
“But what about your wee one? Surely you don’t mean to leave her behind?” She stared at me with disapproval.  
I looked to the Reverend and then to Mrs Graham, “I was hoping you would be able to help guide me. I aim to take her with me.”   
“You what?” She appeared quite shocked at the suggestion, “It’s too dangerous.” She shook her head, the tea spilling from her cup as she placed it down in the table.  
“Why?” I asked, seeking the answers, “She deserves to know her father, her real father, and he deserves to know her as well.”

“It doesn’t work like that.” She corrected me sharply. “We spoke of this before, not everyone can travel through the stones, you know that better than I.” She warned me, “When you first returned, you told me Jamie had tried to come with you, but that the stones had prevented it.”  
“You also told me that there was a way to test if a person could travel or not.” I reminded her, “I need to know.”  
“It’s too dangerous.” She refused again “What if it doesn’t work? What if she can’t travel?”  
“Please Mrs Graham, I need to know. I owe it to Jamie to try.” I stared at her, begging, longing to be in his arms again. I was so close I could already feel myself reaching out for him.

“I cannot hear any more of this.” The Reverend excused himself, “I’m sorry my child but the hour is late, I think I shall retire to my bed chamber.” He apologised as he headed for the stairs, “Please Claire, think about what you’re doing. You were lucky once, but I’d hate to see anything happen to you or your little one.” He counselled me, knowing my mind was already made up. He stared at me a moment, as if saying his goodbyes, and then made his way slowly up the stairs. I knew his faith had been tested by my situation, and I regretted the strain I was putting him under, but I had no other choice. He was my only link to Jamie and my future.

After a long uncomfortable silence Mrs Graham leaned forward and took my hand in hers, “There is a way.” Mrs Graham whispered softly as she pulled out an old chest, covered in a knitted doyley and placed it on the table. “If you are determined to do this then I will help you, if not for your sake but the child’s. This belonged to my grandmother.” She began as she opened the lid, my skin crawled and my heart froze as I heard the familiar sound of the wind calling my name as my bones hummed, involuntarily reaching out to touch it. “It’s said to have mystical properties.”

“You can say that again.” I whispered, trying to catch my breath, a tear escaping down my cheek. It seemed so log since I had last heard that sound.

“You hear it. Don’t you Claire?” She asked, looking up at me and taking my hand. She seemed sad, almost envious and I realised, she had grown up with the stories, even danced at the stones, she had even dreamed to one day be a traveller herself only to find herself rejected like so many others.

“It’s calling to me, just like...” I stopped myself, no need to taunt her any further.

“.. before.” She finished for me. “Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dream of stopping you from finding your beloved Jamie, but it is a dangerous journey you are about to set upon. Not only the trip through the stones, but how will you find him once you get there? It is not a safe place for a young woman on her own, as you well know yourself, let alone for a child.”  
“I have that all covered.” I assured her. “It’s only a five day journey to Lallybroch by horse and once there I’m sure Jenny will be able to get word to her brother, if he isn’t already waiting for us.” 

Mrs Graham seemed to relax a little, no longer intent on trying to make me change my mind, she began helping me to plan my journey. “What about provisions?” She asked as I realised that this was actually going to happen. I shook my head trying to hold back the light-headedness that I felt overtaking me.

“I have Jamie’s pearls. I’m sure he’ll understand if I sold them for coin.” Even saying it filled me with regret, they meant so much to him, and me, but finding my way back to him was more important. “And Jamie taught me how to live off of the land if need be.”  
“Oh my sweet girl.” I thought I saw a tear in her eye as Mrs Graham excused herself a moment and fussed with something in a nearby cabinet.

“I’ll be all right, I promise.” I assured her as she came to sit back beside me, a small cloth in her hand.

“I want you to take this.” She said, thrusting it into my hands, “No argument.” I took it begrudgingly from her and unwrapped it.

Inside was the most beautiful golden brooch with red rubies. It was clearly of great importance to her and a family heirloom. “I can’t.” I tried to hand it back but she refused.

“I have no daughters or sons of my own to pass it down to and those who are left do not appreciate the sentimental value of which it holds.” She said softly as she took my hands in hers. “You are as if you were a daughter to me Claire, and if this gift can help you find your true love, your Jamie, then it will make me happier than you can imagine for you to take it with you.”

“I don’t know what to say?” How could I ever repay her for such a gift?   
“Just tell me you’ll be safe, that you will always remember me.”  
“I will.” I promised her as I hugged her tight, the realisation dawning on me that I may never see her again. We held each other tight, two kindred spirits about to take on the world.


	2. Return To Lallybroch

Chapter 2: Return to Lallybroch

 

The next morning, before the sun had even started to rise, Mrs Graham packed a small bag of food for us to take. While I packed another full of Bree’s clothes, some photos and her beloved rabbit. I had tested the box on her the night before and delighted at the knowledge that she had heard the song too. Not wanting to waste another moment I had decided that we would leave through the stones at first light. I left a note for Reverend Wakefield to thank him for all he had done for us. Mrs Graham accompanied us to Craig Na Dun to say her goodbyes. We had thought about it long and hard that night, we could send Bree through first to see if the test was accurate? If she didn’t go through the stones then I would still be there to look after her. But if she did go through the stones she would be alone on the other side, scared and afraid. If I went first, and Bree was unable to follow, would I be able to get back to her? There were so many variations and so many things that could go wrong. In the end I had decided that the only true answer was to hold her tightly in my arms and to go together. Mrs Graham had procured some clothes for us both, so that I would not be in a state of undress like I had been last time, and she had promised to let Frank know what had happened to us once we were gone.

“Are you ready to go and see daddy?” I asked Bree, knowing she would come to see Jamie as her true father in time.  

“Daddy.” She smiled at me as I picked her up in my arms. I took one last long look around, the sun was just rising over the hill as I said my goodbyes to Mrs Graham. Placing some cotton wool in Bree’s ears to guard against the screams from inside the stones, I nodded farewell to my friend and stepped towards home.

 

JAMMF

 

I awoke shortly after to the realisation that I was again flat on my back. There was a heavy weight on top of me and I could hear Bree crying as she clung to my chest. “Shhh.” I soothed her knowing that the journey would have been quite frightening. I checked her over quickly for any signs of injury. Pleased to find no cuts or broken bones, I pulled out her bunny from her bag, pleased that they had both made the journey with us, and held her tight. There was no sign that we were in danger, but I didn’t want to chance hanging around too long. As Bree settled into my shoulder, I flung our bags over my other arm and began the long trek down to Inverness. I wasted no time in finding the stables and bartering for the use of a horse and some rations from the local market in exchange for Mrs Grahams brooch. I bundled Bree up tight and secured our few belongings before heading off on our journey towards Lallybroch, to home.

 

JAMMF

 

Bree had taken to life on the road with ease. Her face beaming with awe at all of the sights that we passed, having grown up in the city, the large fields and tall trees were magical creatures to her. Following Jamie’s lead and everything he had taught me, I made camp in hidden pockets of bush out of sight of the road during the day and made my way to Lallybroch during the night, while Bree slept. The motion of the horse trotting beneath us lulling her to sleep each night. I didn’t know what to expect when I got there, or what I would say. All I thought about was how long I had been away, of our last moments together and the pain we had both felt and having to leave each other behind. Reverend Wakefield had told me of his incarceration after the battle and I wondered how his years in jail might have changed him? If he would welcome our return?

 

The sun had already been up an hour and being August the weather was relatively dry. I knew we were close so I decided to push on. It couldn’t be more than five miles away I thought to myself as I held Bree tight and slowed down my pace, allowing myself time to prepare. Lost in thought I was caught off guard by what I could see just over the next hill, “Jesus Christ” I exclaimed as I tried to catch my breath, I could see the distant smoke rising like a beacon from the main chimney and the large walls that signalled the entrance to Lallybroch. I stopped the horse a moment, my hands were shaking as I looked around. Everything seemed the same, except for a lack of grown men going about their daily chores in the fields around us. In contrast to the last time I had been here, it was quiet, eerily quiet and I wondered if I had made a terrible decision.

 

 

Bree woke a moment sensing that we had stopped moving, then snuggled in tight and went back to sleep as I took a deep breath and kicked the horse to make our way forward. I thought my chest was going to explode and I struggled to hold the reigns my hands were sweating so much. I checked that the dagger I had also procured at Inverness was still within reach on my belt as I noticed something rush towards us at great speed from the direction of the main house. I pulled the horse up a moment as the image of two dogs, one large, one small, raced to deter the unwanted intruders. I felt a smile warm my face as the familiarity of these beasts brought me great joy. Bree woke up startled and began to scream, trying to crawl onto my shoulders away from the dogs who were nipping at my heels. “Hello there. Remember me?” I asked them as I slowly started moving towards the house again. Certain they would recognise my scent and not harm us.

“What’s gotten into you two?” I heard the voice cry out long before I saw its owner. “Leave them….” The voice broke off, speechless as it stared at me. Unmoving and barely 10 feet between us, I thought I might faint from exhaustion or joy as we both tried to determine if the vision before us was real.

What must she be thinking I wondered, what had Jamie told her? I dug down deep and found the words I’d been struggling to find. “Hello Jenny.” I spoke first.

“Claire.” She managed to stutter as she gathered her thoughts. “Get down!” She yelled at the dogs as she came closer. “Is it really you?”  
“Yes. It is.” I assured her “I’m sorry if we frightened you.” I apologised as I tried to stop the squirming Bree from throwing us both off of the horse.

“It’s us who have frightened you by the looks of it.” Jenny stepped forward, still white as a ghost as she looked at Bree. “Is this….?”  
“Yes.” I nodded, “Jenny I’d like you to meet Brianna.” I felt so much pride at finally being able to introduce Bree to her aunt.

“Shhh.”  Jenny reached out for Bree and instinctively I picked her up and handed her down to her. Jenny held her close, and tried to settle her. “I’m your aunt Jenny.” She whispered as I made my own way off of the horse. I was not surprised when Bree stopped fussing almost instantly, “Jamie told me you were with child when…” She stopped, the memory obviously a painful one. Jamie had intended to die at Culloden, she knew he’d never have imagined that he would have to live knowing that he would never see her again, her and his child. She could only imagine how hard that must have been for him.

I wondered how much he had told her, about how my disappearance had been explained. “He saved us.” I told Jenny as much as Brianna.

“I know.” She paused in reflection, “He told me, everything.” Jenny smiled as she looked her over before hugging me welcomely. “Everything.” She nodded at me, her meaning clear. I must have looked shocked as she gave me a warm smile and then returned her focus to the child in her arms. “She looks just like him.” She continued. “She has the Fraser eyes, and his hair.”

“Don’t I know it.” I looked at my daughter in her aunt’s arms. A sense of belonging had washed over us both. She knew and she still accepted me, she didn’t shun me out of superstition like so many others would have.

Jenny took my hand, as I held the horse with the other. “Come.” She ushered us towards the house, “You must be exhausted.” Before I could protest, not that I would have, I found myself being walked through the gates of Lallybroch once more.

 

JAMMF

 

“Where’s Jamie?” I asked as Jenny handed Bree and me a warm bowl of porridge. “Is he well?” I had so many questions, so many fears but all I cared about right now was if Jamie was still alive. I needed to know.

“Aye.” Jenny smiled at me, so big and bright I felt its warmth calm me at once. “He’s in the fields with Ian.”

“He’s alive? Here’s here.” I grabbed her hand as I felt my body sway and my legs buckle beneath me. Certain I’d heard her wrong.   
“He’ll be all the better for seeing you again.” She confirmed. “I’ll send one of the boys for him.” I felt the blood fade from my face as the last bit of hope and energy I had saved for my mission left me, now that I had done what I had come to do I felt years of worry and exhaustion overtake me. I must have looked a fright as Jenny grabbed me by the elbow and helped me to a seat, before giving me a sip of whisky to calm my nerves. “Claire. Are you all right?”

I felt a wave of nausea threatened to overtake me, “I’m fine. It’s just.” What would I say to him? How would I introduce him to his daughter?  
“You never expected to see him again. I ken that well, I’ve lived with Jamie’s ghosts long enough.” She comforted me as I regained my senses. I sat watching Bree play with her breakfast unaware of what was unfolding around her as Jenny fussed about ensuring I had something hot to drink while I waited.

“Jenny. Jenny are you there?” I felt faint again as I heard his voice calling through the large room at the front of the house less than twenty minutes later. I looked at Jenny, unable to move, unable to breath.

“Shaw, here.” She called out as she stood before me, squeezing my hand in hers. “It’ll be all right.” She promised me.

 

JAMMF

 

The lad had raced into the field with some urgency and declared that the Mistress needed me at once. He would not go into detail but I had wasted no time in making haste. Strange now that the house seemed so quiet and empty. I had expected the hustle and bustle of some melodrama unfolding before me as I made my way to the kitchen with due haste. “Jenny, Jenny are you there?” I called out, as my voice echoed off of the walls. “Shaw. Here.” I had heard her respond from the back galley.

“Are you all right?” I asked as I stepped over the threshold into the kitchen, “The wee lad said you needed me urgently.”

“Aye.” Jenny grinned at me like the cat that got the cream.

“Are you ill?” She didn’t look ill, but it wasna like her to be quiet either. She was usually direct and straight to the point.

“No.” Jenny smiled at me, the kind of mischievous smile she flashed my way when we were bairns and she was up to no good.

“What the devil is it then?” I had no time for games. She knew that we had a long day ahead of us in the field if we were to sew the crop in time before winter.

“Watch your language.” She warned me, nodding to the little one at the table.

I hadn’t realised it at first but it wasn’t one of her ever growing barins and I hadn’t seen any sign of visitors when I had pulled up outside. “Whose this then?” I enquired confused as the young child looked up at me and smiled, so warm and friendly. She held up her spoon, the porridge on it dropping to the floor as she giggled then scooped up another mouthful. I felt myself drawn to her for some reason.

“She’s mine.” The voice sent shivers down my spine. I looked at Jenny who had clearly heard it too, was I going mad again? I looked at Jenny and shook my head in confusion. What kind of sick joke was this I wondered but as Jenny stepped aside I felt the breath leave my body and my chest ached as I clutched the table for support. She couldn’t be real? The woman sitting on the bench behind where Jenny had been standing. I was sure that she was an apparition like so many times before.

“Jamie?” The voice spoke again hesitantly. Whoever she was she looked just as pale as he felt. So many nights he had spent trying to recall the fine details of her face as he lay awake unable to sleep, his memory of her fading over time. How was it that he was now able to remember her so clearly?

“She’s real you goose.” Jenny punched me in the arm as she picked up the child and stood to the side, bringing me face to face with the woman before me. “It’s Claire. She’s come back.”  
“It can’t be.” It couldn’t be. I’d watched her go through the stones myself. I’d watched her slip through my arms forever. My arm felt heavy, but I willed it to reach out and touch her, to find out if she was real. Twirling her hair in my hands, the sensation was so familiar it seemed to wake me from my trance. “Claire?” I asked her,

“Yes.” She cried as she flung herself into my arms. As she pulled me close I held her tight, her hair, her body, her scent, I would ken it anywhere. A heavy weight that I had carried for four long years suddenly lifted and I dared to let myself believe that it was true. “Claire?” There were no words, there was only her.

“I’m here, I’m here now Jamie.” She whispered to me. “I’ll never leave you again.” She promised as I held her tight, afraid to let go.  
“But how?” I asked, eager to know everything.

“I came back, through the stones. I found out you were alive and I had to come.” She squeezed me back just as tight, tears in her eyes, “I couldn’t bare another moment without you.”

“Mo Nighean Donn?” I realised I didn’t care for the details, I was just glad she was here, back in my arms. I held her so tight, I thought I’d never let her go again as I stared into her eyes and she into mine. It didn’t take long before I found myself drawn to her lips as she played with my hair and I felt a desire to take her stronger than ever before. Tracing my hands over her shoulder, I pushed her clothes down exposing her shoulder, it was a sweet and soft as ever.

“She rode.” Jenny explained as she stopped me from going any further, a smirk on her face, “All the way from Inverness.” She nodded proudly.

“You shouldna done that, It’s dangerous on the roads nowadays, more so than ever.” My heart tightened at the thought of her alone on the road like that.

“I did what you showed me.” She said playing with my hair again, “We made camp during the day and rode at night and I managed to buy enough supplies for our journey here so we didn’t have to stop along the way.”

“We.” I had forgotten all about the child eating the porridge, that now rested in Jenny’s arms watching us with awe. Claire’s child, and then it hit me, I felt my face drop and my knees weaken and I almost fainted as the blood rushed from my body. I looked to Claire who looked back at me with trepidation. I shook my head, “No.” It couldn’t be. Multiple emotions overtook me as I fought to stay upright, fear, surprise, confusion, an overwhelming sense of apprehension and then unfathomable joy. “Is this?” I asked her as I looked at the child in Jenny’s arms. Her red hair, my mother’s nose and my father’s eyes. I wanted to hold her but was afraid to touch her.

Claire took the child from Jenny’s arms and held her close to her breast, the sight before me was indescribable. “Jamie.” She began, “I’d like you to meet your daughter, Brianna.” “Brianna.” She continued, “This is your father, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.” The child smiled and reached out as if to give me the bannock Jenny had given her to eat. I stretched out and took her hand as she offered it to me. Her hands were so tiny still, but she had a strong grip. Her smile lit up the room as she giggled a moment and I could sense at once that she was mine.

“May I” I asked, my hands shaking as Claire handed her to me. I feared that I would drop her, or that she would find me a stranger and cry. Instead, I found her leaning into my chest and hugging me close. I could not stop the tears streaming down my cheeks as I held her tight. “Hello Brianna.” I whispered in her ear, playing with her wee curls. “I am so very, very happy to meet you.”


	3. Finding Each Other

Chapter 3: Finding Each Other

Word spread quickly of my return and before long Ian and the other men from Lallybroch had joined us in the main room. I recognised so many of their faces from before and I was relieved to be so welcomed back, even with my unexplained absences these past five years. I had been overwhelmed with joy when I learned that Fergus had also survived and was now employed at Lallybroch, still stuck to Jamie’s side as ever before. He was like a son to us both and I had often wondered with dread what had happened to him. Fergus doted over Bree like a little sister and he made it a point to introduce her to everyone who came to visit.

“Are you happy?” Jamie asked me as he pulled me close and sat me on his lap. We were enjoying a quiet moment alone for the first time all week and the two of us watched on as Fergus played a game on the rug in front of us with Bree and Jenny’s younger children. Jamie hadn’t let Bree out of his sight since we had first arrived, even when Fergus was minding her. The love he felt for his daughter was there for anyone to see and I no longer had any doubts that I had made the right decision.

Looking at my husband and our beautiful daughter, surrounded by our family I had never felt happier in all of my life. “Beyond words.” I promised him as I kissed him to make sure my meaning was clear. I couldn’t deny that leaving had been the right decision, the pregnancy had been just as dangerous as my first and I had no doubt that we would not have survived without twentieth century medical intervention, but I also knew that I did not belong in that world, I never had. This is where I belonged, back in 1700’s Scotland with Jamie.   

I had been back at Lallybroch for five days, but I felt like I had never left. As we sat in the chair by the fire, Ian and Jenny on the sofa beside us it suddenly dawned on me that apart from our initial meeting in the kitchen, we had not had a single moment alone. Bree slept with us every night, wrapped in her fathers’ arms and there had been a never ending procession of tenants and well-wishers during the days. I had been focusing so much on helping Jamie get to know his daughter that we had not had time to find each other again. As I shifted my focus from the child on the floor, to the red headed Scot under my thighs, I felt his kilt rise as he stared at me, obviously sensing the same as I. My skin crawled with ecstasy as he brushed the hair from my face and traced his hand down the side of my neck. Every nerve heightened as I recalled the sensation of his touch and how it made me feel. He looked longingly into my eyes, as I looked into his. Cursing my transparency, I blushed as Jenny offered to put Brianna up for the night in Katherine and Maggie’s room. Jamie had nodded his appreciation before scooping me up into his arms and taking me upstairs.

 

 JAMMF

 

“You have no idea how many nights I dreamed of holding you in my arms again.” Jamie whispered softly to me, “To feel the softness of your skin under my fingers, to smell the sweet scent of your hair as you rest your head on my chest.” He continued as he removed my clothes one by, brushing the shift from my shoulder revealing the bare skin beneath. I felt nervous, Frank and I had only been together a handful of times since I had left, but it was never satisfying. With Jamie it had always been different, like our bodies were desperate to become one and I wondered if it would ever feel like that again? Could he ever forgive me for being with another man? But as he ran his hand down the length of my arm, and inspected me like he had our first night together, all sense of dread and unease left my body. All I saw in his eyes was love, like he was looking at one of his prized mares. Where I saw sleepless nights, the first few grey hairs and fading youth, he saw nothing but his beautiful long lost wife. I undid his belt and watched as his kilt fall to the floor, revealing those strong Scottish thighs I knew so well. Helping him remove his shirt, and taking in the sight of him, scars both new and old from before and after the war marking most of his body, I was pleased to see that he was still in good shape. Removing what remained of my shift, we found ourselves in a state of complete undress.

 

He continued to trace the lines of my body, running his hands over my arms, my breasts, my chest and down my abdomen. He hesitated a moment as he found a scar that had not been there before.  “It’s a caesarean scar.” I told him, knowing he wouldn’t understand. The look on his face told me it reminded him of the men we had seen gutted during the war, marked from side to side across their bellies.

“Caesarean?” He mimicked the word, trying not to give away his thoughts.

“There were complications when I had Bree, Brianna.” I told him hesitantly, not wanting to dampen the mood any further. He did not speak the words, but it was clear he was thinking back to Paris, to Faith. I didn’t know how to answer, so I simply nodded ‘yes’ as he looked at me. He traced the lines for a moment, his hand hovering over my empty womb. I could feel him recalling what it was like to feel her inside of me and I thought of the many nights he spent talking to her as we dreamt of what would never be. “It’s an operation, a surgery of sorts.” I continued,

“They cut you open?” he questioned, with pain in his eyes.  
I stroked his cheek, reassuring him that I was ok. “To deliver the baby.” I reminded him.  
“Did it hurt?” he asked now more intrigued than enraged.  
“No.” I smiled at him, “We have medicines, they put you to sleep.” He didn’t speak for a moment as the pain of having been parted during our child’s birth for the second time weighed heavily on us both.

“I’m just glad that you and the bairn are well.” He relaxed looking back into my eyes, “I often wondered how you were, if you had….. survived?”  
“Thanks to you, we did.” I thanked him, never having the chance before, “Your stubbiness saved us both.” I touched his cheek with the palm of my hand, waiting for him to make eye contact with me again and then I leaned in close and kissed him.

“It tore me in two to watch you go.” He recalled, “But seeing you here now, with our daughter. I’d do it again.” He kissed me back, bitting my lip as he sucked the breath from my lungs. Lifting me into his arms he guided me back to the bed and lay me down carefully, I felt his hand glide south towards my thighs as his lips kissed my neck and chest. This was the Jamie I knew and loved, the Jamie I had longed for every night since that fateful day. We took our time, slowly bringing ourselves together over and over again as if we had never been apart. When we were done, Jamie pulled me close and I lay there in his arms, my head on his chest as he stroked my hair and we closed our eyes, knowing when we woke that we would both still be there.

 

JAMMF

 

I woke the next morning to an empty bed, and the sound of laughter outside. Wrapping the blanket around me I went to look out of the window to see what was going on. I could see Fergus down below, joining in a game with young Jamie, now almost nine and growing taller everyday along with Maggie already six years old and five-year-old Katherine, chasing each other around the chickens and the pigs that roamed freely. Jenny sat on a step nearby, her newest bairn in her arms as Jamie sat beside her brushing Brianna’s hair as she sat on his lap. It warmed my heart to see them all playing happily together and to know that Bree would have something that I never had, as much as Uncle Lamb had done right by me, Bree would have a family with cousins her own age to play with and grow old with. Jamie’s shoulders, normally tense and pointed towards the sky were also noticeably relaxed. It gave me great joy to see that Jamie too had been granted his wish, for a family of his own, to pass on the good Fraser name. He didn’t care that Brianna wasn’t a boy, or that he wouldn’t have a son. He was more modern than most men of this age. To Jamie, he was just proud to have a bairn of his own that he could pass his lands down to and teach in the ways that his father and mother had taught him, to share stories of their parentage with. Fergus had filled that hole in his life for some time, and not a moment would ever pass that he would ever be turned out or pushed aside, but knowing that his blood flowed through Brianna’s veins gave them a bond that not even I could stand up to. They were joined in a way that we could never be.

 

JAMMF

 

Jenny and Jamie were in deep discussion about something as I came downstairs to join them. I walked out into the warm morning sun, kissed him on the cheek and took a seat beside him on the stone step as I watched Brianna run towards her cousins to join the game. Fergus was at her side instantly helping her to chase down her cousins while keeping her footing. Grabbing Jamie’s large biceps in my hands, I leaned into his arm and rested my head on his shoulder.

“Good morning Sassenach.” He smiled at me, stroking my cheek, “I trust you slept well?” He teased me. I could tell by the sun that it was late morning already and I had obviously slept in quite late.

“I must have been more tired than I thought.” I smiled at him as he winked at me, knowing full well that we had been up until the early dawn together. “It must be all this fresh air.”

“Aye.” Jenny grinned sheepishly at me, I knew that the walls weren’t sound proof but we hadn’t cared. I blushed slightly and then turned back to my husband, a proud look on his face. He looked away when he noticed me looking at him, the look on his face told me he wasn’t finished just yet and I think Jenny ken it too. We watched as the children played, avoiding looking at each other, Fergus and young Jamie pretending to be caught by the girls before turning to chase them in turn. After a while the chasing slowed down and Brianna and Katherine had taken each others hands and were dancing around in a version of ring a ring a rosie. Bree’s long red hair flowing around behind her as she giggled. Jamie looked on with awe, but it quickly turned to despair as the girls swept up in their inertia fell over and started to wail. He was at her side in no time, brushing off the dirt from her dress and wiping her tears away making sure she was not injured before tending to Katherine. Jenny and I didn’t move, we knew all would be well, but the concern in Jamie’s quick action warmed my heart.   

 

Moving closer to Jenny, I leaned over and I returned to our previous conversation and apologised “Sorry if we kept you awake last night.” I whispered.   

“Don’t apologise.” Jenny grinned at me, “It lightens my heart to see my brother happy again.” She nodded towards where Jamie had joined in the game, “And it got Ian in the mood, if you ken what I mean.” She winked at me.

“Hmm.” I blushed, then looked around at all of her children, “I didn’t think you’d need much help in that department.”

“Aye. No we do very well.” She agreed, “But there’s two kinds of love ya ken.” Jenny smiled at me, “There’s the love of a man and a woman who have known each other for a long time, like Ian and I have, who find comfort in each other’s arms on a long winters night.” She explained, “Then, there’s the lust, the passion ya feel when you first get to ken one another. It’s a different, more vigorous.” She blushed, “kind of love.” I knew what she meant, and I felt my cheeks flush like a giddy school girl. Jamie and I had never failed to find passion between the sheets, even during our worst moments during the war we could always enrage the passion in each other.  I also knew young men and how Jamie and Ian had always challenged each other to see who was the superior swordsman, fighter, farmer. “Ian hasn’t been that passionate in a long time.” Jenny confided in me. Men, I thought to myself, they never changed, and I secretly hoped to myself that they never would.

 

“What are you two talking about?” Jamie asked as he returned to find Jenny and I giggling like drunken mules.

“Nothing.” I laughed at him, knowing he might not find the topic quite so amusing.

“Is that so?” He questioned me, lifting my chin with his hand and planting a kiss on my lips. “Well you can tell me now, or you can tell me later.” He winked, threatening to tease it out of me, the best way he knew how. I looked at Jenny as we both broke out in laughter again. It was going to be another late night in Lallybroch tonight I thought to myself.

 

JAMMF

 

“Haven’t you got chores to do brother?” Jenny teased me as I leaned in and kissed my beautiful Sassenach, my lips hovering over her lips, “The fields willna seed themselves and I think you’ve had enough time off work already. It’s going to ya head.”  

“Aye.” I knew she was right. Since Claire and Brianna’s return I had neglected my duties and winter was approaching fast. I leaned in and gave her one last kiss then ran my hand down the side of her cheek and brushed her chin. “Take it easy mo nighean donn.” I whispered to her as our lips parted, “You’ll need your energy for tonight.” I left her with a wink as I turned around to take one more glance at Brianna, now playing happily with one of Katherine’s dolls. I walked over to where she was sitting and picked her up, squeezing her tight, “Stay well.” I warned her “Your father will not be gone long.” I promised her “Look after your mother” I urged her as I kissed her on the forehead and put her back down. It took all my strength to walk away, but I had a duty to my family to keep them warm and fed. That thought in mind, I grabbed Fergus and headed for the stables to harness my horse and join Ian out in the fields with Rabbie McNab and the other men.    

 


	4. Life Goes On

Chapter 4: Life Goes On

 

Over the next several weeks, Claire and I spent our days working on the farm, ploughing fields, tending the gardens and the animals. Life was wonderfully dull and we found ourselves planning a future for each other. Imagining ourselves growing old at Lallybroch surrounded by our daughter’s children, our nieces and nephews. We would grow old together, just as I had always imagined, living at Lallybroch with Claire by my side. Brianna had warmed to her cousins quickly and sought their company at night without distress, leaving Claire and I to our own company. Even after all these years I found myself more and more in love with my wife each day and it was all I could do to keep my hands off of her. Working all day long out in the fields, longing for the moment I could take her into my bed again each night. It was different this time, I had sensed that almost immediately, her guilt over leaving Frank behind no longer weighed heavily on her mind and it showed. She was now completely mine. I never asked about her time with Frank, I didn’t want to know, Brianna was happy and healthy and that told me all I needed to know. He had been good to them, just like I had hoped. But he was in the past now, or was it the future?

 

JAMMF

 

We didn’t have much and it didn’t matter in general but when I had realised that Brianna’s birthdate was approaching I had an urgency inside of me to make sure I gave her something to remember it by. I had missed so many years already and I wanted to show her how happy I was that she was in my life. I had floated the idea of buying Brianna her own horse, and had been quickly shot down by Claire each time. “She’s too young” she had insisted, “What until she’s older.” After some thought, and some not so cheerful stories from Claire about what could happen if she fell off, I had decided that she was right. It had then taken me several days to come up with a new idea, and once I had, I had set about putting my idea in play immediately.

 

After spending the days in the field, and my nights with my family, I would wake early each morning and spend an hour or two in the parlour, slowly carving a small figurine of a horse, tall and noble. It had taken me a while to get the details right but in the end it had resembled the kind of horse I planned to buy her when she was older. The long flowing mane, the horse, reared up on its back legs, kicking out in excitement. I couldn’t wait to share it with her, to watch her play with it for hours as she imagined it riding through the fields, her hair flapping in the wind as her mother’s did when we rode on our long intimate rides across the estate. I was an excellent, if not modest, horseman and Claire wasn’t too bad herself and I knew that Brianna would follow in our footsteps and be a true horse whisperer once she got the chance.

 

I crept into the nursery where the children were sleeping and placed the small wooden horse on the pillow beside her head. It would be the first thing she would see when she woke. I had to stop myself from waking her, and settled instead for taking a seat on the floor by the doorway and watching her sleep. Her thumb in her mouth and her lips slightly curled as she dreamed of far away places. She stirred slightly and I pulled the covers back over her shoulders to keep her warm. Brushing the red curls from her face, she opened her eyes and looked up at me. My heart froze, I hoped I hadn’t frightened her, but as she smiled lovingly at me, and reached a hand out for me to take, I leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. “Good morning mo gradh.” I whispered, “Happy Birthday.”

 

“Good morning Daddy.” She whispered back, reaching out to hug me as the wooden horse fell to the floor. I picked it up, checking the other children were still asleep and handed it to her. “This will have to do little one, until you’re a wee bit older.” I apologised as she took the wooden horse from my hands. She looked it over and smiled as she trotted it in mid air before fighting a yawn. As it was still early, I lay her head down on the pillow and she tucked the horse under her arm, along with her stuffed rabbit, and fell back to sleep instantly. My gift had been accepted and I felt a great sense of relief and joy.

 

I wanted to watch her sleep a little longer, but I realised suddenly that we weren’t alone. I turned to see my sweet Sassenach standing in the doorway, staring at me longingly. “How long have you been there?” I asked as I crept out of the nursery and closer to her waiting arms. “Long enough.” She had told me before reaching out and grabbing my hand, leading me back into our bed chamber. She crawled into the sheets and I crawled in beside her, taking her in my arms. “I have a gift for you too.” I told her, as she snuggled into my chest, “For our anniversary.” She had a puzzled look on her face and asked me what I was on about, and that’s when I reminded her that it was the second week of November. The same week Brianna had been born, and almost to the day three years earlier, the same day she had been thrust into my arms, first caring for my injuries and then riding ever so close to me, our bodies crashing into each other over and over again as we made our way to Leoch.

 

“Oh my god your right, I hadn’t even realised.” She had sat up stunned. I had never forgotten and memories of our time together filled my thoughts as I handed her a bouquet of freshly cut flowers from the field. I had wanted her from the moment I had seen her in that crofter’s cottage all tattered and afraid but still full of spirit. I had loved her shortly after not wanting to part from her when we had arrived at the castle and I had been ordered to remain in the stables outside the gates. And I had been terrified to lose her ever since, not just to Frank or the stones or any other man who may look her way, but to the cruel twists of fates themselves. I could never forget the day she came into my life, cause that’s the day that I realised I finally had something worth living for. I pulled her close and in the early light of the dawn, we made love to each other, over and over again as if it were the first time. Our bodies merging into one. We had been blessed once already, and I wondered, with some hope, if we would soon be blessed again.

 

JAMMF

 

Autumn turned to Winter and Winter to Spring, Spring to Summer and then back to Autumn and before he knew it Winter was approaching again Bree had just celebrated her 6th birthday and she was growing more and more like her father each day. The crop of potatoes had grown well again and we had been fed for another year. The harsh effects of the famine seemed to be behind us and Lallybroch was returning to the fertile land it once was. Claire had been back just over fifteen months and the horrors of the war and our time apart were almost a distant memory.

“What are you thinking about?” Ian inquired as we sat on the hill, the fires of Lallybroch in the distance signalling that the kitchen ovens were lit and that dinner was being made.

“Did you ever think that we could be this content?” I asked him honestly, “After Culloden, the famine?” and loosing Claire I left unspoken, “Did you ever think that Lallybroch would survive?”  
“I had my doubts.” Ian admitted, “There were times I wondered if all the hard labour was worth it, but she proved us wrong.”  
“Aye. She’s a fine legacy.” I had to admit, “I never thanked you Ian.” I took his arm and patted him on the back, “I couldn’t have done it without you.”  
“Or I you.” He thanked me back. “They should know by know that there’s nothing we can’t do once we put our mind to it.” Ian had always had my back, that’s for sure.

“Aye.” I agreed. “Come.” I picked up the last of the tools and put them on the wagon before mounting my horse and riding beside Ian. “I can smell supper all ready. Best not be late or well have nothing but scraps.”    


JAMMF

 

“Hey now stop that.” Jenny scolded them as young Jamie, Maggie, Katherine and Bree threw their mashed potatoes at each other across the table, “Next bairn who throws their supper will go to bed hungry and with a tanned hide to match.”

“I’m sorry mama.” Jamie apologised as he grabbed a cloth and helped to wipe up the mess. I tried to comb the potato from Bree’s hair as she squirmed around in her seat. She was going to need a good bath before going to bed tonight I decided. Giving up on my task, I pushed the plate closer to her and told her to eat. She smiled up at me and threw a handful of mashed potato in my direction, hitting me right between the eyes.

“Milady.” Fergus looked shocked at the sight of me covered in potato. The girls found it hilarious and were beside themselves with laughter. Young Jamie was frozen, not sure how I would react, his mother echoing his sentiment until I wiped a path across my face so I could open my eyes. I must have looked a sight as Jenny lost her senses and began laughing with her children.

“What’s happening here then?” Jamie asked as he and Ian came through the door and joined us for dinner. He took one look at me and began to laugh, a gesture that earned him a look of displeasure from me.

“Don’t even think about it.” I warned him not to laugh as he stepped closer and tried to wipe it off with the nearby cloth.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach.” He smiled at me, “Is just a wee bit of potato. It wilna harm ye.”

“Very funny.” I said as he wiped the last bit off of my face and I took the cloth from his hands. I could see the supressed smile on his lips and I looked across to Jenny and Ian who now sat eating their meal as they watched the room around them. Jamie let out a quiet chuckle, then quickly tried to supress it as he stared at Fergus and warned him to do the same.

“I’m sorry Sassenach, it’s just that you looked so funny…”

“Oh really.” I asked, mock anger in my voice. “Let’s see how you like it.” I warned him as I scooped up the potato on my plate and threw it in his direction. He ducked and it hit Fergus on the shoulder, so I scooped up another handful and found my target. The room roared with laughter as Jamie began chasing me around the room trying to get me back.

“You think that’s funny do ye?” He asked Bree as she giggled with excitement at him. Even Jenny relaxed and laughed at the sight of us both, covered in potato. Eventually Jamie caught me and smeared the white mash in his hands through my hair before pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me.

“Do ye yield?” He asked me as he nibbled at my ear.

“I yield, I yield.” I promised him as I looked across to see Bree still giggling uncontrollably as she watched us play.

“Good.” He released me slightly, then kissed me on the cheek. “Then I suggest ye eat the rest of your supper Sassenach, before I get any more ideas.”

“Good advice.” Jenny concurred hushing her children and settling them to finish their meals as well. We took our places at the table and ate what was left of our meal as we discussed the days events and what we might plant next season.

 

JAMMF

 

After dinner, Jenny and I bathed the children and put them to bed. The nights were getting darker and colder and we had grown accustomed to reading by the fire or playing a game before retiring to our bedrooms for the night. Tonight however, given the state that Jamie and I were both in, we had opted for a warm bath of our own in our room. I had washed Jamie’s hair and haven given our clothes to the maidservant before jumping into the tub myself, the water still warm as it sat in front of the fire. Jamie washed my hair, brushing it meticulously to make sure every last piece of potato was found. When he was satisfied that he had performed his task well, I felt his large warm hands come to rest on the top of my shoulders, massaging them and caressing my skin with each stroke. “Mmmm” I groaned feeling my body relax beneath him.

“Do you miss it?” He asked as he scooped up some of the water and let it run down my back. “You spoke often before of your running water and your hot baths.”  
“Sometimes, but not really.” I thought to myself, “This.” I took his hands in mine as the rested on my neck, “I missed this.” I said as I looked up to meet his eyes, “I would often imagine you were there with me, massaging me with your hands as I soaked in the tub after a long day at work.”  
“Aye, that I wish I were there. I’d have massaged you every night if you had asked it of me.”  
“I know.” Gripping his hands, I spun around to look at him closer, facing him, I leaned up and pulled him closer to me, he obliged by kneeling down and pulling me closer still, the suds from my chest running down the hairs on his. Lifting me out of the tub and into his arms, he held me tight as I hang there around his waist, breathing in his scent before he laid me gently on the ground in front of the fire and settled himself on top of me. We took each other slowly this time, taking in every sight, every smell, every small detail of each other.             
           


JAMMF

 

“I’m sorry about last night.” I apologised to Jenny as we made the early morning meals together, ready for the men when the returned from tending to the cows and before the children woke.

“It was not but a bit of fun. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed that hard.” Jenny didn’t look up from where she was rolling out the pastry, ready for the pies she would make for our dinner.  
“Still. It was irresponsible of me, with food still scarce as it is.” I acknowledged as I stirred the porridge, careful not to let it over cook, again.  
Jenny just looked at me, “We’ll survive.” She said and that was the end of it. “Besides.” She added, “By the looks of you, you could do with an extra feed.”

Not sure what to make of her words, I looked at myself as best I could, sure I had lost some weight, as we all had, on limited rations but I was perfectly healthy. “And what’s that suppose to mean?” I urged her to explain.

“I’m surprised you don’t ken it yourself.” She smiled at me. “I noticed it last week and again last night?”  
“I don’t follow your meaning.” I said taking the porridge off of the fire to cool before the children woke. Jenny looked up from her bench, face covered in flour and placed her hand on my chest. The pressure of her touch, even as light as it was, sent a negative sensation through my nervous system.

“You have a glow about you Claire. Need I say more?” She smiled.  
“Jesus Christ.” I felt faint and quickly searched for the nearby stool to take a seat.

“I noticed you retract from Jamie last night when he brushed against you, and the way you’re holding yourself just now, your body instinctively recalling the weight of the bairn to come.”

“My god she was right.” I thought to myself. I should have been over the moon, it was wonderful news, but I wasn’t. I knew, better than anyone, that as welcome as this news was, here in 1700’s Scotland it was also a death sentence.

“What’s wrong Claire?” Jenny asked, wiping her hands and coming to hold mine, “You’re as white as a ghost. Do you not want another bairn?”  
“It’s not that.” I finally looked up at her, a tear in my eye. “I want another child more than anything, but you don’t understand.” I wept, my hands shaking.

“Then explain it to me.” She begged. I thought against it at first, but I was going to need Jenny if I was going to get through this. I told her everything as best I could in terms she would understand, about Faith, about Brianna’s birth and how the doctors had warned about the dangers of falling pregnant again. I cursed myself for not being more careful, for not taking precautions. How was I going to tell Jamie? Would he have to choose between the baby and me? How could I make him do that? Jenny held me in her arms as I composed myself and I tried to gather my thoughts.

“It’s all right.” She told me, “Fraser’s are tough. We’ll find a way to make it work.” She promised.

“But Jamie?” He’d never survive my loss, just as I would never survive his. “He’s so happy now.”

“You let me worry about Jamie.” She said as the first sounds of tiny footsteps made their way down the stairs. “Rest Claire. I’ll handle this, you just take a moment ya ken.”

“Thank you Jenny.” I squeezed her hands tight, afraid to let them go, “For everything.”

Jenny was right, there was no going back now. My conscience would never let me get rid of the child, I was pregnant and there was nothing to be done about it, that decision had already been made. Now all that was left was to tell Jamie, but how much would I tell him? Would I let my knowledge loom over us for the next seven or eight months as I tried to carry the child to term, or would I lie to him and tell him everything would be fine, only telling him the truth when necessity called upon it? I needed to go for a walk, to clear my head. I nodded to Jenny, fussing over the little ones as they ate their breakfast, I took a lingering glance at Brianna, reminding myself that this affected her too, wondering if she would grow up without a mother as I had? Then I left to go and walk a while in the fields by the stables.

 


	5. Mo Nighean Donn

Chapter 5: Mo Nighean Donn

 

“I thought I might find you up here.” His sweet voice said, waking me from my thoughts. I quickly raised my hand to brush the tears from my face as I turned to towards him. He grabbed my hand, stopping me as he caressed my cheek. “What’s all of this about mo nighean donn? What has you so sad?”  
“Oh Jamie.” I cried, my hand shaking as he held it. He pulled me close, my head tight against his chest as he stroked my hair while slowly setting us down on the nearby log.

“Whatever it is, let me share your burden so that I may help you.” He begged, pulling me away from him to look into my eyes. How could I tell him? It would break his heart, but I must I thought to myself, he deserved to know. “Jenny said you had some news. Was it a letter that has you so distressed?”

“Jamie I’m pregnant.” I found myself shouting more than saying, the words coming out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“Aye. I suspected as much, but I couldna be sure.” He smiled at me, he was clearly excited by the news. The gleam in his eye broke my heart.

His words took me by surprise, and then I recalled our last moments at Craig Na Dun, how he had known about Brianna before I had even told him “You knew, damn you, you knew, you always know, how do you do that?”   
“I’m not sure really.” He kissed me on the forehead then held me back tight against his chest. “Come now, what has you so sad? Are you not pleased to be with child?” I heard the hesitation in his voice, the slight hint of disappointment.

“It’s not that. I couldn’t be happier it’s just that.” I had to look him in the eye, to know that he truly understood what I was saying, “I should have been more careful. The doctors warned me…” He didn’t say a word, but I could feel his grip tighten, he knew and the moment I had dreaded was before me as his face turned pale and his heart sank. “It’s too dangerous.” I continued.

“You told me there were complications, with Brianna.” He reflected, questioning again, if it had been like the loss of our first child.

“Yes.” I confirmed, his eyes darting back and forth as his face recreated the same fear and terror that I had seen long ago, when I had laid dying in the field. I recalled my own fear as I was rushed into surgery when I had started haemorrhaging when Brianna was born. “Jamie if it hadn’t have been for the doctors, for modern medicine…..” My voice wavered and fell silent as he held me tight, I felt his heart race beneath his chest as I thought a felt a tear fall from above.

“I ken mo nighean donn. I ken.” Was all he said. “I would have lost you both.”  
“Now do you see?” I asked him, placing my shaking hand on his wet cheek, “If I have this child, our child…”  
“No!” He shook his head, defiant to the end as all bloody Frasers were, “We will find a way. We ken better now what we are up against. We’ll be ready.”  
“It’s not as easy as that.” I argued with him, “I have no resources, no supplies even two hundred years in the future woman die every day.” I didn’t want to die, I wasn’t ready.  
“You will not be one of them Sassenach. I will not let it happen.” He promised as he held me close, willing it to be so.  
“I wish it was that simple.” I fell into his chest, “I really do.”  
“Shhh, Mo gradh.” He soothed me once more, “I’ll find a way, even if I have to send you back through the stones again to make sure your safe. God took you from me once already and gave you back, surely he wouldn’t be so cruel. I will not lose you, not again.” He promised taking me firm by the shoulders as he pledged his oath.  
“I’m going to hold you to that James Fraser.” I warned him, finally gaining some composure. Something about the way he spoke made it seem possible that things might work out differently this time.  
“You do that mo gradh.” He kissed my hair and held me tight, swaying us gently from side to side, “I’ll not fail you again.”   
“You haven’t failed me Jamie.” I smiled at him, kissing him gently on the lips. I felt his lips curl as his right hand moved south towards my belly. His teeth bared slightly as he grinned.

“Aye.” He cocked one eyebrow at me, “Nor you I. You were wrong Claire Fraser.” He looked at me, his eyes wide with pride as he stared into mine, “We will fill this house with our children, and our grandchildren.” He kissed me again.

My mind flashed back to when I had first told him that I couldn’t bare children, he had tried to hide it, but I had seen the hurt in his eyes as he realised there would be no more Frasers to carry his name. “I like the sound of that.” I told him, glad to be proven wrong.

“Good.” He grabbed me in his arms and stood me up tall, as we looked out over Lallybroch’s estate. “Because by god this one will be born strong and healthy, like Brianna, and there will be many more to come.” He promised me, and watching him standing proud and tall as he was I believed he could make the earth stand still should he wish it so.

“How about we get through this one first.” I stalled him, “Speaking of which, what are we going to tell Brianna?”

“Leave that to me.” He grinned at me sheepishly, “She’s going to love the idea.”

 

JAMMF

 

“So it’s settled.” Jamie began bluntly as I climbed into bed, the nights were getting cooler again as winter approached and I hastily pulled the sheets up around me against the cold. We retired early for the night after dinner and as I watched him take off his kilt and grab one last mouthful of food from the tray before turning in for the night, I could see he had a lot on his mind. He had taken my news better than expected, but I knew he would be struggling with the knowledge that there was very little we could do about it as much as I was. He had asked me several questions as we sat out by the tree before coming back to the house. Jamie wanted to know every detail, even the medical facts that I tried my best to relay in terms he would understand and I watched him commit them to memory as his mind ticked over like it did when he was forming his military strategies. He slid into the sheets beside me and tilted his body towards me as I curled in towards him, placing my head on his chest as he rested his hand on my belly, I waited patiently for him to say what he needed to say.

“It is?” I asked him, not looking up, but listening to his every word. I felt him take a deep breath before he continued.   
“Aye Tis. I’ve spoken to Jenny and she is in complete agreement.” He smiled proudly as I looked up to try and gauge what was on his mind.

“What are you talking about?” I asked him,

Jamie moved his hand slowly back and forth against my shift as he continued “I told her what you told me. About the bairn.” He hesitated a moment, not out of fear, but out of something else. “We’ll take no chances. You will rest here at Lallybroch until the bairn is close to being born, then I will take you back to the stones. They can look after you that way, like they did last time.”  
“You what?” I sat up straighter, brushing his hand from my waist. “Jamie!” I knew that look, he had hesitated because he knew I would not stand for it, but his mind was made up.

“I’ll not leave you again. You can’t make me” I shook my head in protest begging him to reconsider. How could he think such a thing?  
“Mo nighean donn.” He kissed me on the forehead, “It wilna be like last time. It won’t be forever. This time you’ll come back to me.”

“How?” I asked confused, my heart was racing and I couldn’t think straight. The thought of spending another lifetime without him was too painful.

“Aye I’ve thought of that.” Jamie grinned, “I’ll come back to the stones two months after I send you. The bairn should be born by then and you can both come back home, to me.”  
“And Brianna?” Had he thought of her? Where did she fit into this plan?  
“I thought long and hard about that.” He paused, his fingers dancing over the top of my shoulders as my head cradled under his chin “Best she stay with me, just in case…” He stopped himself short but I knew what he meant.

“Just in case something happens, and we don’t make it?” I said aloud.  
“Aye.” He whispered dismissively. Shaking the thought from his head, he leaned in and rested his hands back on my belly as I considered what he was saying. As absurd as it was, it just might work. If something did happen to me, Brianna would be stuck on the other side, without any family. This way she will still have Jamie and Jenny to care for her. “Are you angry at me Claire?” He stuttered when I had paused too long in thought.  
“No, no it’s a fine plan.” It truly was, “It’s just...” I had already born two children without Jamie by my side, and I had no wish to do it again.   
“I ken Claire. He took my face in his hands until we were looking eye to eye, and I saw him studying my features as he had many times before. “I canna save you mo nighean donn if you stay here with me, but Brianna is proof that your time can. It pains me more than I can tell you to have to send you away again, but I do not see another way.”  
“Nor do I.” I agreed regrettably. We both knew he was right as he brushed the hair from my eyes and kissed me. I kissed him back slowly, afraid to let go, my lips trembling slightly and it was Jamie who broke the embrace.

“It’s been a long day.” He stopped himself, “Best you rest my love.” And with that, he pulled me close to his chest again and then took a deep sigh. I held him tight as I settled back down in the sheets and he drew me close to him. Thoughts raced around inside me as my head grew heavy and I found myself drifting off in no time.    


JAMMF

 

“Mmmm” I mumbled to myself, as I woke to the new dawn, I felt a sense of tranquillity passing through me. I was so happy I could lay there in my bed, wrapped in only my shift and my blanket for days. The sun was shining bright and warm through the window as I heard the sound of birds chirping in the tree outside. I knew he wasn’t beside me, the mattress always leaned to the right when he was there, but his sweet musk scent was all over the sheets as I wrapped them tighter around me. I was still lost in my thoughts as the door to our room opened up.

“Good morning, Mrs Fraser.” His sweet voice whispered as he closed the door behind him and approached my side of the bed with a small tray of bannocks, porridge and milk. A single pink flower, still on the stem, presented carefully in a small glass of water. “I thought you might be hungry.” He smiled at me, quiet pleased with himself, as I sat up and stretched my legs out for the tray to rest on. Once his hands were free, he reached out and grabbed my chin, tracing his thumb over my lips before kissing them.

“Good morning, Mister Fraser.” I kissed him back. “How thoughtful of you.”  
“Nothing but the best for mo nighean donn.” Jamie replied, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

“Apparently.” I took a spoonful of the porridge and a bite of the bannock, Mrs Crook always did make the best bannocks. “It’s perfect.” I thanked him, “Do you want some?” I asked suddenly conscious that I was eating in front of him.

“No. I ate earlier. This is for you and the bairn.” He grinned at me again and I started to wonder if that grin was going to be a permanent fixture on his face from now on. Not that I minded, it was lovely to see him so happy.

“What about Brianna? I have to get her ready.” I remembered pushing aside the tray.

Jamie pushed it back onto my lap and put a hand on my shoulder to stop me from moving, “Jenny’s taken care of that.” He informed me, “She’s downstairs eating as we speak.”  
“I can’t let her take care of five kids on her own, it wouldn’t be right.”  
“She has Mrs Crook and the other maids to help.” He reminded me, a crease forming above his brow, “And I’m not entirely useless in the kitchen Sassenach. You just sit back and let me take care of things for once.”  
“I’m, not very good at that.” It’s true I wasn’t, I had learned to be independent from a very early age and I had never felt comfortable relying on others to do for me what I could do myself.

“I know Sassenach, but for all of our sakes you’ll learn.” He ordered me, his tone making it clear there would be no negotiation. I knew he was right, so I stopped fighting him and sank back into the sheets. “Good.” He patted me on the head, “Now eat up.” He kissed me as he stood up to open the window and let some fresh air in. I took a spoonful of porridge and pretended to force it down in protest. Jamie just smiled at me and stoked the fire to make sure the room stayed warm. “I’ll be downstairs helping Jenny if you need anything, just yell out.”  
“Yes sir.” I saluted him as he gave me a grin and left.

 

 

I finished my breakfast and sat in my bed, enjoying my morning off, but after a time, barely an hour if I was being honest, I found myself completely bored and decided to get dressed and join the others downstairs. Jenny was tidying up the last of the dishes as I entered the kitchen and only Katherine and Brianna were still seated at the table. I leaned over the top of her and gave her a kiss on the head, “Good morning sweetheart.” I greeted her. She was only five years old, almost six, but I felt I had known her forever.

“Good morning mama.” She greeted me back as I left her to her breakfast and helped Jenny gather the last of the plates.

“Let me help you with that.” I said, reaching over the girls and picking up their empty bowls.

“Christ Sassenach.” I heard him long before I saw him as Jamie joined us in the kitchen, “Can I not take my eyes of you for a minute?” He wondered aloud as Jenny lowered her head, pretending not to notice his remark as he took the plate from my hand and sat me down at the nearby bench.

“I was just helping Jenny….”

“I’ll thank you to leave me out of this.” Jenny grinned at me, clearly she had no intention of coming to my rescue.

“Did I not tell you to take it easy?”

I could hear the worry behind the anger but I couldn’t help but laugh a little. “Well yes, but…”  
“But what Sassenach?” He waited for me to complete my remark, I swear I could hear his toes stamping up and down in his boots as I hid my amusement. When I didn’t answer, he decided to continue his lecture. “You said you needed bed rest and I intend to see that you get it.” His face was so stern, but as I realised he had taken my words literally I couldn’t help but smile at the innocence of it all. I let out another giggle, that did not help my situation at all. “Please Claire, I beg you to take this seriously.”  
“I am, believe me I am.” I promised him, trying to hid my smile and look more serious, “It’s just.” How should I put this? “Bed rest is a general term Jamie. It doesn’t mean that I have to stay in bed.”  
“Then what does it mean?” He asked me, a little embarrassed and curious at the same time.

“It means.” I began, taking his hands in mine as he crouched down in front of me, “No heavy lifting, no exercise other than gentle strolls to keep fit and when the pregnancy is more advanced not standing for long periods of time.” I smiled at him as he once again took it all in and committed it to memory. Jenny I noticed had since busied herself by the fire, washing the morning dishes but I could tell that she was iteming as well. Jamie took my hands in his and squeezed them lovingly before lifting them to his chin and kissing them softly.  

“Aye well.” He considered his position carefully, “I would still feel better if you left the housework to Jenny and the maids. No need to push our luck too far Sassenach.” He pleaded with me as I looked across to Jenny. It wasn’t fair to her, but she didn’t protest, which I knew she would have if she had taken issue with it, so I nodded my head in agreement and placed a hand on the side of his cheek.

“Ok.” I promised him, “Would Milord permit me to sit outside with a good book?” I teased him, the weather was warm and Jenny had received three new books just the week before.

“I think that is a braw idea.” He smiled, taking my hand and kissing it again before returning it to me.

“Let me just fetch my shawl then and I promise you, I won’t move without your permission.” I indulged him as I stood up to gather my things and gave a sarcastic curtsey, quickly replied by Jamie with a raised brow and a cheeky grin.

“Allow me.” He stopped me as I made my way past him towards the stairs, “Get yourself comfortable Sassenach and I’ll bring it out to your shortly.” He insisted as he ushered me towards the front room where the books were kept.

“Are you going to be like this for the next seven months?” I questioned him when he returned as promised and wrapped the shawl around my shoulders, he had also brought a second shawl to cover over my legs. Catching a chill would be the least of my worries.

As he leaned into me, our lips met and I felt his lips curled in a playful smile, “Just try and stop me.” He challenged me, with a twinkle in his eye.

“I’d never dream of it.” I promised him. I thought of everything I had put him through, and was putting him through, I thought it was only fair to indulge him, after all, he only wanted the best for us both.


	6. The Mill

Chapter 6: The Mill

 

I spent my days reading, watching the children playing and going for slow walks in the garden. Jamie had agreed to let me keep tending to my herb garden, under Fergus’s watchful eye, and never for more than an hour or two at a time. I had tried on some occasions, due to boredom and idleness, to assist Jenny with the lighter chores like folding the clothes and setting the table but I had found Jenny’s wrath and stubbiness just as immovable as my husbands. She had, thankfully, agreed to let me tend to the sewing of some minor garments, so long as I stayed seated and didn’t overexert myself. As poor a seamstress as I was, it was a welcome distraction. Shortly after my involuntary bedrest, I had found a notebook, hidden in the bag of Brianna’s things that had travelled with us through the stones. In the inside jacket she had included a description:

_To my dearest Claire. I hope that your journey went well and I regret that I could not make it with you. If you would be so kind I thought you might indulge an old lady and record some of your adventures for histories sake, and mine. If I cannot talk to you in person, then perhaps one day I might be able to reconnect with you in your own words. Keep well Claire and I pray you have many prosperous and joyous years with your beloved Jamie and sweet Brianna. Until we meet again, yours truly Mrs Graham._

It had made me cry when I first read it, she had become like a dear old aunt to me. She had been the only one I could talk to when I first returned. She had believed me without question and had consoled me through my grief at loosing Jamie. If it hadn’t had been for her, I shuddered to think how I would have made it through those first few months. I wished she was here with me now. I knew she would have loved Lallybroch and she would have fitted in well. I could only hope that she and the Reverend were well and that she could find the companionship and kindness in her life that she had helped me find in mine. I made it a point to write in the journal once a week. I spoke to her about our journey back to Lallybroch, about meeting up with Jamie and Jenny again. I described the latest harvest and how Scotland was coping after the war. I wrote often about Brianna, meeting her father, forming friendships with her cousins, learning to become a true scot as she followed in her father’s footsteps. I also spoke of my dreams, of our latest child and our hopes and fears. I found writing them down helped to dull the power they had over my waking thoughts. As I wrote, I never questioned that Mrs Graham would get to read them one day, and I often wondered how she would reply if she had the chance.

 

When I wasn’t writing to Mrs Graham, I also took the time to write to Murtagh, who had gone back into hiding in Paris after the war, and back into the arms of Suzette. He wrote occasionally, but often just of how bored he was with Parisian life. He had found work with Jamie’s uncle as a hired hand, but he longed for the open fields of Scotland and the smell of the country air. I told him of Jamie’s latest exploits, of Brianna and how we couldn’t wait to see him again. I knew Jamie missed him something fierce, but unlike Jamie who had been incarcerated, done his time and been pardoned, Murtagh still had to answer for his involvement at Culloden and it wasn’t safe for him, not just yet. Although it was still winter and the days were long and cold, this day had turned out to be unusually warm and having been stuck on light duties for the last three months I was eager to get out and stretch my legs. I completed my latest entry in my journal and decided that a nice walk was in order. 

 

Jamie and Ian had been in the fields tending to the latest crop since the crack of dawn, and Fergus, young Jamie and Rabbie had been ordered to have the horses shooed and tended to by sundown as they would be needed the next day. I looked around and recalled that the mill was only a short stroll from the house and I surmised that I could be there and back in less than an hour, and hopefully before anyone realised I was gone. The unusually warm weather meant that the ground was dry and stable under foot, so I decided to let the men go about their business for the day. Maggie, Brianna and Katherine were all out playing nearby, giggling and laughing as always, so I picked up my nearby basket, which I always took with me to hold my herbs and flowers that I found along the way, and asked them to join me. I had recently rediscovered my love of Botany and had begun collecting and classifying all of the local plant life around Lallybroch. Jamie had even sent for a specialist book on Botany from France to help me with my research. As I strolled slowly up the road, feeling better than I had in days, I watched the girls laughing as they danced through the tall grass and chased the butterflies that flew around them. My morning sickness had eased off these past weeks until I had found myself feeling more ravenous in its place. I was almost five months along now and my belly had started to swell quite noticeably. Jamie kissed it goodnight every evening, and I often woke with his hand on my waist. Absent mindedly I now found my own hand reaching down and covering the swell below my corset. That was one thing I hadn’t missed while having Brianna, the ability to wear less restrictive clothing. Taking in a deep breath, I imagined the air enveloping the child like a fluffy, protective cloud. “Hang in there.” I begged the life inside of me, “Your mother and father love you very much.” I whispered before a woosh of noise distracted me. I looked up to see the girls running off into the distance. “Girls.” I called out, unable to chase after them, “Come back here now.” They giggled and screamed in delight as they paid no attention to me.

“Come back this instance.” I bellowed, “Or I’ll go back and get your mother.” With that they stopped and reluctantly made their way back in my direction, even at such a young age, they had learned not to upset a Fraser. I didn’t like threatening them, but I was pleased with myself that my bluff had worked.

“We’re sorry Aunty Claire.” Maggie apologised as she came up beside me. “I found you this.” She smiled, handing me a purple weed from the field.    

“That’s all right, just don’t do it again. I’d hate for something to happen to you.” Maggie was seven, and already wise beyond her years. I imagined what it would be like to talk with Bree when she was that age, although Bree was more childlike and spoilt than I liked to admit. I could see the mill just off to our right, and I ushered the girls in that direction. With few men to work the farm still, the mill only operated on certain days, and today it lay idle. Still, I placed my blanket down on the ground and watched the water wheel turn around as the birds flew overhead and the girls played under a nearby tree. It was so peaceful here, so idealic and I wondered how it would look two hundred years from now, if it was still standing at all. I never had the courage to go and see for myself, too many memories, but now I wish I had.   

 

I must have fallen asleep, the warm sun washing over me as I dreamed about what was and what would be. It was the faint pulling sensation that brought me back to my senses. “mmm?” I groaned as I opened my eyes,

“Aunt Claire, aunt Claire.” The frantic child’s voice cried out, “It’s Katherine. She’s stuck up the tree.”  
“What tree?” What was she going on about I wondered, but as I looked to where she was pointing I could see Katherine and Bree at the top of the old tree by the rivulet. They were crying as Maggie continued her panicked explanation.

“I tried to get them down but they are too scared. I don’t know what to do.” She cried.

“It’s all right.” I promised her, grabbing her hand and walking over to the two troublesome cousins. Taking a glance around, there was no one in ear shot to help out and the weather was turning fast, a strong gust of wind was already rushing through the branches. Whatever I did, I would have to do it on my own.

“I want my mum.” Katherine cried out as she clung to the tree limb for dear life. Bree just sat there, stunned silent as she watched her idol, clearly terrified, making her question her own courage.

“I know sweetheart. Just hang on and I’ll get you down soon.” I promised her. The light was already fading and the temperature was falling quickly, no time to send Maggie back to the house to get help. I judged the distance and realised that she was about three meters above the ground. Too far to jump without risking a broken bone, I could try and catch her, but under the circumstances that was not something I wanted to risk. Maybe, I thought to myself there would be some hay bales in the barn, I could make a ladder and climb up to her. But hay bales were heavy, how would I lift them? The light was fading fast and the wind grew stronger.

“Mummy?” Bree called out panicked. I needed to make a decision and fast. I could try climbing the tree myself, I could lower the girls down to a branch closer to the ground and from there they could jump. It would be hard, considering the state of fear they were in, but what choice did I have.

“I’m going up.” I told Maggie, “I need you to catch them when they jump.”

“But Aunt Claire, you can’t.”

“I have to.” I insisted as I removed my shoes and my stockings for a better grip. By now Bree and Katherine were wailing uncontrollably and I knew I had to do something fast. I hitched up my skirt and hugged the trunk, looking for my first footing.

“CLAIRE!” The tone of his voice made my blood freeze, how on earth was I going to explain this one? “Just what do you think you’re doing?” He yelled out as he pulled his horse up close by and jumped off in haste.  
“It’s the girls” I ignored his angered stares and pointed up in their direction, “I’m so glad you’re here.”  
“Aye. And not a moment too soon by the looks of it.” He scolded me. “Hold on lass.” He called out to Bree, “I’ll have you down in no time.” Shaking his head, he handed me his jacket and his belt and motioned for me to move out of the way. “Best stand back Sassenach, I’ll deal with you later.” Following his lead, I pulled Maggie close to me and comforted her as we watched Jamie climb up high into the branches.

“Dinna Fash Lass.” He said again as he grabbed Katherine first, she clung so tight to her uncles neck it was a wonder he didn’t lose his balance. I hadn’t noticed at first, but as he made his way back down the tree, he called out to Fergus to catch her as he lowered her down. The poor lad was huffing and puffing, obviously trying to catch his breath and I realised that Jamie must have sped off in haste in search of us, leaving Fergus to catch up. Fergus grabbed Katherine and lowered her down to the ground safely, as she ran into her sister’s arms. Jamie grinned at me very briefly, pleased at his rescue before turning back around to climb back up to Bree. As before, he lowered her back down to Fergus and then jumped out of the tree himself before checking to make sure she was all right.

“I’m sorry da.” She hugged him tight as he brushed her tears away.

“Shh now. It’s all right. I’m just glad you’re safe.” He hugged her back. I released a breath I hadn’t realised I had been holding and went to join them. Bree moved from Jamie’s waist to mine as I held her tight and stroked her hair.

“Don’t ever scare me like that again.” I scolded her, hugging her, relieved.

“That goes for you too, Sassenach.” Jamie whispered to me, “What on earth do you think you were doing, trying to climb a tree in your condition?” I noticed the faintest tremor in Jamie’s hand, the only sign of how rattled the experience had made him. “Christ Claire!” he swore at me absent minded in front of the girls, who were now hugging each other after their brush with death. “You scared the pish right out of me.”

“I’m sorry.” I apologised, “I didn’t know what else to do. There was no one else around and I didn’t want to risk sending Maggie for help.”  
“Aye.” He was calming down now, although he would remain angry with me for some time, it would pass before too long. “Well next time, try staying put like you promised, or at least take someone with you.”  
“I can see your point.” I submitted, “I am sorry Jamie.”  
“I ken Sassenach, I ken.” He said pulling me close and kissing me on the forehead.      

“How did you know where I was anyway?” I asked suddenly curious.

“Fergus came to get me after he checked on you and found you missing. I know this is one of your favourite spots, so I check here first, after the tree on the hill. I hoped you hadna been silly enough to try going up there on your own, but I can’t say that I’m much happier to find you here either.” He kissed me again, letting me know his anger was already fading.

“Come girls.” He ordered as he gathered my shoes and stockings and helped me to put them back on. “It’s getting late. Best we be getting your aunt back to the house, and I’m sure your mother will be looking for you by now.”

“Yes Uncle Jamie.” They responded as Bree jumped into his arms and Fergus placed Maggie and Katherine onto his mule, taking the reigns as he walked beside them. Jamie carried Brianna as we walked beside Donas. Jamie had refused to let me ride in case I might fall, or the horse might rear, and he refused to ride himself while I walked so he took the reigns in his right hand, and rested it around my waist, as his left arm supported Bree’s weight. It was only a twenty minute walk back to the farmhouse but I was pleased that it gave us both time to calm down after our recent altercation and to find ourselves again, before I faced, what I was sure, would be several other Fraser’s just as upset about my unplanned adventure.   


 

JAMMF

 

The air was tense when we arrived home. Ian and Murtagh, who had arrived unexpectedly during my walk, were preparing to send out another search party. Jenny raced out to greet her girls, before tanning their hides for good measure. I saw a glance between Jamie and Murtagh, one I had seen many times when we first met, when Jamie had been in charge of keeping me in control. I grieved at how many times my wilfulness had gotten him into trouble, but I hadn’t known then what I knew now. Ian greeted me warmly, as Jenny, her girls now safely inside, stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips disapprovingly. “And where do you think you’ve been?” She began,

“It’s all right Jenny.” Jamie tried to calm her, not having much luck.  
“Like hell it is. She had us all scared to death.”  
“She saved Katherine and Bree.” Jamie deflected his sister’s wrath, making my guilt over frightening him even deeper.

“She what?” Jenny asked alarmed.  
“Actually it was Jamie…” I began, but no one was listening.

“They climbed the tree at the mill. Got half way up before they got scared and couldn’t get back down.” He continued.  
“Och Aye?” Murtagh broke the silence, “And how exactly did she save them?” He glared at me accusingly, Jamie’s hesitation ratting me out and I noticed the look he gave Jamie and the lack of denial as Jamie looked back at him. Was I really that transparent?

“Actually it was Jamie.” I began again, “He climbed up and got them down. Luckily they weren’t hurt, except a fright or two.”

“Aye well I thank you for saving wee Katherine but next time.” Jenny relaxed her shoulders a little, “Try telling someone where you’re going.” Fraser’s I thought to myself. They were all the same, and damn them when they were right. It became quickly apparent that I wasn’t going to live this one down anytime soon.   
“I’ve already made such a promise to Jamie.” I smiled at them both, “I promise not to go wandering off again.” Suddenly I felt six years old again, and I empathised with how Katherine and Bree must be feeling.

“If you’ll excuse us.” Jamie handed Fergus the reigns of Donas and came beside me and grabbed my elbow, “Bree needs to have a bath and I best be seeing my wife gets her rest, she’s chilled to the bone and she’s exerted herself more than necessary already today.” He smiled at me, he was going to milk this for all it was worth.

“I’ll send some supper up for ye then.” Jenny announced as she stepped side to let us go in.

“That would be lovely.” I thanked her, “And thankyou Jenny, for not making me feel worse than I already do.”

“Oh aye. I’m sure Jamie will have enough to say about it as it is for the both of us.” She smiled at me as we made our way up the stairs and into our private room.

 

JAAMF

“Are you all right mo nighean donn?” She was quiet, more quiet than usual as she sat by the window, watching the fire as I brushed her hair. I had placed Bree in her bed in the other room, already fast asleep like her cousins, before seeing to Claire who I left warming her bones by the fire. I knew it wasn’t easy for her, she was not an idle woman, and to be limited to such menial tasks on a daily basis was not helping her disposition. We both felt the weight of what happened with our first daughter Faith on our shoulders, and although we each tried to be cheerful for the other, I knew her thoughts were as full of dread and anticipation as mine were. I tried to distract her as much as possible, but with my days in the field getting longer and longer, I found our time together limited more than I cared for.  

“I’m fine. I’m just a little tired is all.” She tried to assure me, but I knew her well enough that there was something else on her mind.  
“Claire.” I whispered softly into her ear as I brushed the hair from her neck, “There’ll be no punishment if that’s what you’re worried about.” No matter how mad I got, I never had the heart to punish her, her own heart was always in the right place, no matter what she did. “I’m just glad that you and the bairn, and Bree are safe.” I assured her.

“I’m sorry I frightened you.” She finally replied, a little more colour in her cheeks again.

“When I came over the crest and saw you, about to climb the tree, my heart ripped from my chest at all the things that could go wrong.” I confided in her, “I was angry, how could you be so reckless I thought to myself. And then…”  
“I’m so sorry Jamie.” She interrupted me. I stopped brushing her hair and leaned in closer, wrapping my arms around her,

“And then…” I continued, “When I saw the girls up in the tree, the look of terror in Bree’s eyes. All I could think of was how I was going to get to her in time. The look of fear on your face made my heart skip.”

“I felt so helpless, I didn’t know what to do, but I had to do something.” She cried, her hands trembling a little.  
“Aye, I ken Sassenach. I do.” I promised her, grabbing them in mine and trying to calm them. 

“God help me Jamie, I had to choose, I had to choose which one of our children I saved. How could I do that? Choose one child over another?” I felt her grief finally pour out of her as I held her close to my body and she cried into my chest.   
“Sssh mo nighean donn.” She was so fragile in my arms and I just wanted to make her pain go away, “You had a hard choice to make, and I ken it well.”

“Can you ever forgive me?” She asked, in between tears.

“There’s nothing to forgive mo nighean donn. You made the right choice, you have nothing to feel sorry for.” She didn’t answer me, she just wept some more, till her tears ran dry, and then I scooped her up in my arms and put her in bed. I sat there for the longest time, watching her sleeping, soft and still, a stark contradiction to before. I felt a weight of remorse for what she was going through and anguish at my own actions. I had failed her twice before, caught up in the rebellion and the Bonny Prince Charles I had neglected her through her pregnancy with Faith, and afterwards when she needed me most I had been locked up in the Bastille, unable to comfort her like she deserved. She had been alone again, during her pregnancy with Bree, trapped in another time and I had not been there to comfort her then either.

No. I made a vow, I would not abandon her again. Rabbie and Fergus were old enough to take my place in the fields if need be and, and the crops were sufficiently sown that they would either thrive or perish no matter what I did. Murtagh’s unexpected but joyous return would also lighten the load around the farm. Claire was already five months gone with child and was dangerously close to when things had gone so terribly wrong with Faith. Claire had told me once that she had been six months gone with Bree before complications arose. I had left her side long enough, from now on I would make sure she was never alone again. There was nothing more important than her health and her peace of mind. As I had promised, I would do everything in my power to make sure that she and the bairn were safe.


	7. Reunion

Chapter 7: Reunion

 

I woke the next morning, expected to be chained to my bed, and was surprised to realise that I was alone in the room. Jamie’s side of the bed was already cool, I surmised that he had obviously been gone for some time. I noticed that the fire was already roaring and there was a glass of water and a bannock by the side of the bed. The hour was already late and I didn’t want to cause any more concern, but I didn’t want to be shut away from everyone else either. Although I knew I would still have some repairs to make in my relationships after yesterday’s adventure, I was willing to face it head on and take my medicine. I grabbed my clothes, hung neatly over the chair by the fire and got myself ready. Brushing my hair just enough to get the knots out, I let it fall loose over my shoulders as I grabbed my shall and headed for the parlour. I was just about to descend the stairs, when I heard a familiar voice and recalled that Murtagh had arrived late yesterday afternoon and I hadn’t even greeted him properly, overcome by distress for the girls, he had been completely overlooked. I breathed in deeply, gathering my thoughts and took the first steps.

“Sassenach.” Jamie greeted me, sprinting to join me and taking my elbow to guide me down the rest of the way, “I would have come for ye if you’d called.” 

“It’s all right.” He was so attentive, making sure there were no obstacles in the way as he continued to guide me towards the sofa, “I only wanted to welcome Murtagh back. I’m afraid I was rather rude to him yesterday.”  
“Pay it no mind lass.” Murtagh leaned in and hugged me as Jamie sat me on the sofa and tucked a blanket around my legs. “I’m just glad everything worked out so well.”  
“As am I.” I smiled at him, then looked to Jamie, trying to assure him that there were no ill effects from the incident. “I am so glad to see you again, and in such good health. We did not think to be seeing you so soon though, is everything ok?”  
“It’s braw lass.” Murtagh took a seat opposite as Jamie sat down beside me, resting a hand on my knee. I thought I noticed a glance between Jamie and Murtagh, but if it was there it was fleeting. “I couldna stand Paris one more moment, I longed for the scent of my dear old Scotland.”

“To Scotland.” Jamie and Murtagh toasted as they sipped on their whiskey. Although Jamie didn’t understand why, I had obstained from drinking unnecessarily during my pregnancy, as I had been instructed to do during my pregnancy with Bree. With the exception of a small glass with dinner, Jamie had replaced my usual whisky with plain water whenever the occasion called for it. A habit he had done yet again this morning as I sipped on my drink, watching the men recall what Scotland had been like, before the war.

“What about the English?” I asked concerned, although their visits were infrequent and memories were fading, there were still those who were out for Scottish blood.

“I’m not worried about them.” He scoffed at me, “Je Suis Prest.” He toasted again. A little too self assured, I didn’t know who he was trying to convince, him or me.

“We’ll I’m glad to have ye back. Our numbers are still few. You’ve been sorely missed.” Jamie welcomed him. “You’ll always have a home here.”  
“Aye. I’m still not sure that I’m cut out to be a farmer, but I’m sure as hell not cut out to be a stock boy.” He laughed. We sat there talking, there was so much to catch up on, that it was almost noon before I realised that Jamie had not gone out to the fields with Ian. I wondered if perhaps it was because of Murtagh’s arrival, but discounted that on account that he could easily have caught up with Murtagh while they worked out in the field. I looked around the house, it was quieter than usual and I couldn’t hear the sound of the children playing outside.

“Where’s Fergus?” I asked, wondering if he was outside with the children.

“He’s working in the top paddock with Ian. I sent the lad and young Rabbie to mend the fences.”  
“Weren’t you going to do that?” I asked accusingly, my tone more bitter than I had intended.

“Aye. But I thought it was time they pulled their weight more. Dinna fash Claire, a bit of hard work will do them braw.”

“And the children? Jenny where are they?”  
“Jenny took them out to tend to the animals and collect the eggs. She should be back soon.”  
“I should be out helping them.” I began to get up, “That’s my job.” The one thing I had been allowed to do was tend to my garden and collect the mornings eggs from the chickens, since there was no heavy lifting involved and the barns were close to home.

“No.” Jamie replied firmly, putting some pressure on my knee to stay put. “Jenny is happy to do it, you stay there and rest Sassenach.” He smiled at me as he tucked the blanket back around me after I pulled it loose, the look in his eye warning me not to resist. So that’s how it was going to be then I realised. I had broken my promise to stay by the house and I had frightened him in return. He wasn’t going to let me out of his sight again. I shot a look towards Murtagh, who clearly wasn’t going to come to my defence.

“Fine.” I grinned quickly at him as I snuggled back in on the sofa. If I had to be held prisoner, then I could do worse than to have Jamie as my guard.

“How’d ya manage that?” Murtagh asked Jamie as he shot a curious look in my direction.  

“Tis not an easy feat.” He winked at me, “But she ken’s who her master is.” He smiled cheekily. Another wink letting me know he also knew who his master was.

“I never thought I’d see the day.” Murtagh continued as the front door announced that the younger members of the family had returned. They came running inside carrying baskets of eggs and a chicken ready for tonight’s dinner. Jenny hot on their heels yelling at them to take their boots off and to lower their voices.

“Daddy. Look what I’ve got.” Bree came running up to him, her arms wide open ready to embrace him as she showed of a nicely speckled egg.

“It’s a braw one.” He smiled at her, inspecting it carefully as he picked her up into his arms. As father and daughter discussed what would happen to the egg, and Jamie tried to explain that it would not hatch into a chicken, Murtagh watched on, his face pale as he looked at Bree.

“Murtagh, I’d like to introduce you to Brianna Mackenzie Fraser.” Jamie jiggled her up and down on his hip, her wild red hair flying about as she grinned wide eyed at her father.

“My god.” Murtagh reached out to touch her hair, “She’s the spitting image of your mother.” He grinned at her as she smiled at him, unsure what to make of the strange man. I realised that it was the first time he would have seen Ellen’s likeness since her passing over twenty years beforehand. It had clearly caught him off guard.

“Aye.” Jamie stared at her, absolutely besotted, “I ken.”

“This is your Uncle Murtagh.” I told her, as she considered the new information and held out a hand to say hello. Murtagh took it softly and shook it before stroking her cheek.

“She’s a braw lass Jamie, you must be so proud.” His lips curled higher than I had ever seen them, “And you too Claire.” He added quickly, “At least one good thing came out of that bloody war.” He reminisced.

“Aye.” Jamie nodded then looked at me,

“And another one on the way.” Murtagh added, “I’m only sorry Ellen’s not here to see it.” He hesitated, “She’d be proud of you too, so would ya pa.”

“And what do you think you’re doing?” Jenny interrupted us as she entered the parlour, scanning me from top to toe, “I thought I told Jamie to keep you in bed.”

“I’m fine Jenny, I can rest just as well here as upstairs.” I informed her as she tucked the blanket in tighter.

“Well as long as ye don’t move from that spot then.” Was all she said, and all she needed to say. She reminded me of the ward sister back home, if you wanted a speedy recovery you did whatever she told you to do, or you found yourself in worse shape than when you entered. “Jamie, where’s ya head lad.” She turned to him, “That fires burning too low, she’ll catch her death of cold.” She scolded him.

“I was just...” Jamie tried to stop her from fussing, but it was of no use.   
“There’s no just about it.” Jenny stopped him as she placed another log on the fire herself. “Maggie.” She called out to her daughter, “Fetch Aunt Claire some broth, she does not look like she’s eaten lunch yet.”

“Jenny. I can look after my own wife.” Jamie scolded his sister, 

“Aye and a braw job you’re doing at that, sipping whisky with Murtagh while she starves to death.” Jamie didn’t respond, the scowl on his face was enough for anyone to see.

“Perhaps.” Murtagh stepped in, trying to deflect the situation and grabbing Jamie’s hand, “You could show me around the place. Help me to get reacquainted with my duties.”  
Maggie came back momentarily and handed me a bowl of hot broth. “Go Jamie, I’m fine.” I promised as I took a mouthful to make Jenny happy.

“Your sister clearly has things under control here, and we won’t be gone long.” He insisted. “Aye.” Jamie kissed Bree on the forehead and put her down watching as she ran off to go and find her cousins. “I shalln’t be gone long Sassenach.” He kissed me as Jenny watched on.     
“Off with you then.” Jenny shooed them out as I focused my attention back on my broth. It was warm in my belly, and I hadn’t realised how hungry I was. “And you.” Jenny turned her attention back to me once the men had left. “Don’t even think about moving from that spot.” She warned me.

I looked up at her, she was clearly expecting an argument, but instead, I smiled at her and said “Thank you.” And nodded my appreciation.

“Just see that bairn born right, that will be thanks enough.” She blushed as she left for the kitchen. Finishing my broth I picked up the book she had placed on the table beside me and settled in for the afternoon, and what I presumed would be the next four months.

 

JAMMF

 

Jenny and the older children young Jamie and Maggie went about getting things ready for supper while Katherine and Bree played and I watched their youngest child young Ian sleeping in his basket beside me. If nothing else, I could at least mind him while they worked. Jenny came in on the hour every hour to check on us, and as she made her rounds for the fourth time that day, she brought with her a tray holding two cups and a pot of tea. She didn’t customarily stop to have tea during the working hours and I could see that something was on her mind. I watched her pour the tea then settle in on the couch beside me, her wee bairn between us. “Thank you Jenny.” I finally broke the silence between us, I’m sorry to be such a burden to you all.”  
“Think nothing of it Claire.” She took another sip of her tea, avoiding eye contact. “I’m merely repaying a debt. You saved me and young Maggie, I owe you one, that’s all there is to it.”  
“Still, I do not mean for you to wait on me, I can look after myself.”  
“And don’t I know it. You’re a strong woman Claire, independent like me, I ken that well and I can only imagine what you must be feeling having to stop still while the world goes on around you. It canna be easy..”  
“But?” I sensed a but as she looked up and said what she had to say.

“Aye, but.” She nodded, “I also ken what can happen if you don’t do as your told, if seen it far too often.” She paused, as if recalling a bitter memory, “Jamie is my kin and I love him dearly, and I have come to love you Claire just as much.” She admitted, “You mean a lot Ian and I, and our children. You’re family and we take care of our family.” She reminded me, “If something were to happen to you or the bairn, it would be a powerful loss for all of us ye ken?”

“I do. You have no idea how much that means to me.” A tear falling from my eye as I found myself truly accepted as not just an outsider, but as blood. “To finally have a home, somewhere I belong.”  
“You do belong here Claire, and for many a year to come if I have anything to say about it.” She reached in and took my hands, “It comforts me to know that if anything were to happen to me, that you would be here to look after Ian and Jamie and the bairns.” She continued squeezing them tighter.

“I feel the same way, I know if anything happened to me, you would look after Jamie and Bree for me. See that they stayed healthy and strong.”  
“That’s what families for.” She smiled, “Do ye ken what I’m saying Claire?”  
“Stay put and stop feeling sorry for myself?” I asked coyly, watching her reaction carefully.  

“Aye. That’s about right.” She laughed. “That bairn of yours is as important to me as my own, and I’ve no wish to see anything happen to it.”

“Nor do I.” I agreed as I rubbed my belly absent mindedly. My thoughts must have betrayed me as I wondered for the tenth time since I had first thought it several days ago, how I would approach the subject on my mind.

“Claire?” She asked, a hint of worry in her voice, “Is something wrong? Do you want me to fetch Jamie?”  
“No. no.” I promised her, “It’s just. I need to ask you something and I’m not quite sure how to say it.”  
“Straight and to the point I always find best. I’m not easily offended; you should ken that well by now.”  
“Well this is a little unusual.” I began, “But I need to ask you a favour, and it won’t be easy.”


	8. A New Plan

Chapter 8: A New Plan

 

“I’m glad to see you Murtagh.” I continued the conversation as we walked side by side through the fields. “I’ve a lot on my mind at present and I could use your council.” I didn’t want to leave Claire for too long, but I needed to talk to him in private and we had a lot to discuss. I could rest assured that Jenny would make sure she stayed put, at least for now.

“Aye, I can see that.” He replied as he kept watch on the path ahead, “When I got your letter I could tell something was wrong. I made arrangements to make passage straight away. Your uncle wasna too pleased but I’m sure he’ll get over it in time.”

“You’re a good man Murtagh. I’m lucky to have you.” I acknowledged as we came to the top of the hill and looked out over the estate.

“I made a vow, and I’ve no wish to break it now.”

“You’ve paid that vow many times over.” I’d lost track of how many times he had saved my life, or Claire’ s or even placed himself in danger for a cause not of his own, “I’ve no wish to hold you to it.”  
“I’ll be the one to decide when it’s paid.” He challenged me, settling on the log to rest his feet. “Now tell me lad. What’s going on? And don’t spare me any of the details.”

It was hard at first, I’d denied my fears for so long trying to be strong for Claire, but I had to tell him, about Claire, the pregnancy, the danger. Of my fears that something would go wrong. Although safe from famine, Lallybroch still didn’t make enough to make ends meet and the lack of able bodied young men due to the war would be a scar on the land for years to come. He listened carefully then nodded his head in deep thought.

“Well then lad.” He sat up straight, “It seems I came just in time then.”

“Aye.” I nodded in agreement. “I couldna do it without you by my side.” I confided in him, “It tore me apart once to send her back, and I do’na think I have the strength to do it again, even though I must.”  
“Aye. Well there’s only one thing for it.” Murtagh surmised, “You leave Lallybroch to me and Ian and you look after Claire, we can manage well enough on our own.”

“Aye.” I replied, my mind drifting back to the Craigh Na Dun and those bloody stones.

“And when the time comes.” Murtagh continued reading my thoughts, “Then I’ll stand by you, you and Claire and make sure what needs to be done is done.”  
“Thank you Murtagh, as always I am in your debt.”   
“Think nothing of it lad.” He brushed the remark off, “Claire has looked after us often enough, it’s time we looked after her.”  
“I couldn’t agree more.” My mind eased a little and as I looked out over the estate I found myself believing again that everything might just work out and everything would be all right.

 

JAMMF

 

Over the next few weeks Jamie never left my side. He sat with me in the parlour, playing with the children, reading or trying to teach me how to play chess. I was a slow learner when it came to the game of chess and I could see him getting frustrated with me on several occasions, not that he ever made mention of it. He accompanied me for short walks around the grounds twice a day and made sure I was well fed and watered. Sometimes I would catch him, lost in thought as he watched me and I wondered what he was thinking. Other times I could tell by the tension in his neck what was going on in that mind of his and I wanted so badly to calm his fears.

 

I watched him struggle as I had, the first few times I had felt Bree moving inside of me I had found great joy at the sensation, knowing she was healthy and dreaming of the day I would meet her, and then such sadness at knowing that that movement, that joy had been so cruelly crushed when we lost Faith. I had found it hard to let myself get attached to Bree, just in case I lost her again. As I watched Jamie at night, resting his hands on my belly, I saw him wrestling with the same demons. Added to that pain was that the knowledge that I was now almost seven months pregnant, and in just five weeks time Jamie and I had agreed that I would take another trip through the stones, just in case something happened and the child came early, I at least would have a chance to survive.

 

The knowledge that we would have to part soon, as well as the imminent birth of our child and the possibility of it going wrong, weighed heavily on our minds. We tried to remain positive for Bree, she was too young to understand, but the tension in the house was there for anyone to feel.     

 

JAMMF

 

One of the benefits of having Jamie around so much was that I was able to join him and Ian in discussions about the book keeping and the estate of Lallybroch. We had tried to keep up with recent events in both Scotland, England and France with an eye to using my, now slightly less limited knowledge, to ensure Lallybroch’s prosperity. It was on one such occasion that Jamie, who had been reading the latest news reports from the lowlands, confided in me his most recent plan for Lallybroch.

“It says here Sassenach.” He began as he scrutinised the printed words on the tattered page, “That the price for cattle has gone up ten percent in the last quarter. It says that they expect the price to continue rising.”  
“Cattle?” Why was he interested in cattle I wondered, Lallybroch was known for its wheat, barley and potatoes, not livestock. I rubbed my belly, as its inhabitants turned restlessly inside, giving me a slight feeling of sea sickness.

“Aye, cattle.” He noticed my discomfort and put the paper down, rubbing my belly to sooth the child as he continued. “Apparently the English can’t get enough of our braw Scottish beasts. Knowing the English and the French as we do, the demand for Scottish beef could be quite high in no time.” As he finished his thoughts, and whispered something to my belly, the bairn settled down and gave me some relief almost immediately.

“How do you do that?” I asked him grateful for the rest bite. I noted the gleam of pride in his eye as he smiled at me.

“Tis a gift Sassenach, unlike some people.” He cocked his eyebrow at me, “The wee bairn kens how to follow orders.” I kicked out with my foot, thumping him gently in the thigh. “Och.” He moaned, “I guess I deserved that.” He rubbed the spot in jest.  
“Yes you did.” I acknowledge. Then I tried to recall the research I had done before I came here, wanting to know more about our future than last time. “If I recall.” I changed the subject, “I think you’re right. The market does fall eventually but for a few years Scottish cattle do fetch quite a high price.” I recalled happily.

“What do ya think Ian?” Jamie asked as Ian wrote another note in Lallybroch’s ledger.

“Hmm?” He asked, half listening.  
“Do you think Lallybroch would be suited to raising cattle?” Jamie asked him again. “We could make a small killing, and hopefully buy back our debt from the English.”

 

Jamie had informed me not long after my arrival that the English had allowed the Fraser’s to stay on the land, it was after all quite prosperous and they hadn’t any English Lairds who wanted to take up such a remote position. In return for keeping their ancestral home, they had to give the English sixty percent of their profits. I knew Jamie struggled with this situation, but it kept a roof over his families’ head and food in their belly, unlike so many others during the famine. Being so remote, the English only travelled inland once or twice a year and they were left relatively alone. This allowed them to shelter other survivors of the ‘Forty-five’ as few as there were, who in return helped out wherever they could.

  
“It’s possible.” Ian considered the idea, “We could turn the lower paddock into a pen. There’s plenty of fresh grass there and fresh water from the stream.”  
“Well then.” Jamie smiled as he turned to look at Murtagh who was listening happily in his chair by the fire as he drifted off to sleep after a hard days work, “What do you think Murtagh, ever think there would be a time we were raising cattle instead of stealing them?”  
“No.” He replied shortly, painfully aware of how much extra work tending stock would be, “But nothing you do surprises me anymore.” He grinned, reminiscently.

“Where will we get the cattle from?” I asked, we had barely any savings and others would have heard this news too and the price of breeding cattle was sure to rise before we had a chance to get any money together.

“Leave that to me Sassenach.” He said, grabbing my foot and massaging the arches. The sense lulling me into a state of peaceful tranquillity. “Trust me.” He leaned in and kissed me, the slow, soft kiss he often used when trying to stop me from worrying.

“That’s not exactly comforting.” I said looking at Ian and Murtagh who shared my sentiments. “Promise me you wont do anything dangerous.”

“Dinna fash mo nighean don. I have an idea."

 

JAMMF

 

“I always wanted to run my own horses.” He confided in me as we undressed for the night and prepared for bed. “Ye ken that Donas is a fine stallion, and the wee foal he sired last year is already as strong as her father. She should fetch a good price when the time is right.”  
“I know.” I said, climbing in to bed beside him as he reached out and touched his unborn child.

“And his new foal, due any day should be just as strong.” He added, talking more to the child than to me. “It could be the start of a fine breeding line.” So many horses were lost in the battle and the famine. And good breeding stock is hard to find. After the success of the first foal, Jamie had bred Donas with the beautiful white mare he had purchased for me before the war. A fine judge of horses, he had picked out the strongest, yet most docile white mare, ‘A white mare for his White Lady’ he had smiled at me when he introduced us. I called her Maise, Jamie had assured me it was Gaelic for Beauty and it suited her well. I had thought her lost in the war, and was pleasantly relieved to find that it had made its own way back to Lallybroch under its own steam. When I had first arrived back, Jamie and I had loved nothing more than to go out riding through the fields with nothing but the open fields and the soft breeze to keep us company, and I hoped that I would have the chance to do that again, soon.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea.” I could see Jamie, happily running a horse stud, the envy of the others. “And Donas is a fine Stud.”

“Aye.” Jamie agreed, “He’s a braw horse.”

“After all, he is a Fraser.” I winked at him. Holding my seductive gaze.

“Aye.” Jamie agreed again, before hesitating and looking up at me, catching my meaning. “Mmmm Sassenach.” He leaned in and kissed me, his hand leaving my belly as it cupped my breast. “You do know how to flatter a man.”

“Aye.” I agreed. Letting my hand glide down his bare chest and towards his groin. He moaned pleasingly as I stroked him, slowly, teasingly. His lips covering mine as he pulled me close. “Jamie.” I whispered, “Take me to bed.” I had longed for him so often, but after my scare at the mill he had refused to risk any physical exertion. I had indulged him for long enough and tonight, my body ached to have him within me, to feel him moving underneath me as he held my hips and we moved in unison.

“No Sassenach.” He pulled back, his need clearly as great as mine. “It’s too dangerous.”  
“More dangerous to deny me, and let this feeling build till I explode.”  
“I cannot.” He shook his head, kissing my hand as I tried to stroke his chin. “If anything happened I couldna forgive myself.”  
“Please Jamie.” I begged, “I need you.”

“I want you more than anything Sassenach and it pains me to deny you, but I promised myself I wouldn’t.”

“Jamie please.” I begged again, but he brushed my hand away. Not giving up yet, I rolled over and turned my back to him, tears of frustration rolled down my face as I sulked. I could feel him watching me, and I felt guilty for using such tactics but he had given me no choice.

“Sassenach.” He whispered, I didn’t respond, “Claire please.” He whispered again, placing a hand on my exposed shoulder, “I dinna wish to make you cry Sassenach.” He shook me softly as I held my ground, “Please forgive me.”  
“Forget about it.” I said, my voice a little croaky. Oh god his hand on my shoulder sent my nerves on fire, I mustn’t give in.

“Claire please. It pains me to see you upset. I only want to make sure your safe.”

“I understand.” I said, not turning to face him.

“God Claire, I want you so bad sometimes I think I’ll just burst if I don’t take you right in front of me. It’s all I can do to restrain myself when we are in company.” Jamie confessed, pausing a moment as he watched me for any sign of forgiveness “Claire.” He pulled on my shoulder a little more forcefully this time, and I found my head turned to face his. His hand on my chin as he twisted my lips to meet his. “I love ye Claire. I always will.” He kissed me again.

“It’s ok.” I replied honestly, I felt remorse at playing with his heart like that and I kissed him back, trying to make it better, “I shouldn’t have forced you. I’m sorry. Forgive me.” I begged him.  
“Shhh.” He wiped the tears from my eyes, “There’s nothing to forgive.” he said as he continued to kiss my lips, then moved down towards my breasts. My body responded instantly as his hand slid up and down my thigh in unison with his kisses. “I’ll not break my promise to ye Claire.” He continued, “But perhaps I could ease your pain just a little.” He smiled as he made his way down to what he liked to refer as my honeypot. “After all, it would be an awful shame if you were to explode on my account.” As he parted my legs, and his hands caressed my receptive breasts, I realised just what he meant. It wasn’t what I had expected, but I that was all he was willing to give me it would suffice, for now.


	9. The Fire

Chapter 9: The Fire

 

I woke up some hours later, listening to the rain fall against the roof as a storm rolled in from the fields. It was odd for this time of year, usually dry and warm, but it wasn’t entirely without president. I had always loved listening to thunderstorms in the summer, counting the distance between thunder and lightning and estimating how far away it was. Judging from the sound, and the intensity of the lightening this particular storm was very close. Jamie was fast asleep, his wife satisfied and his male prowess intact he had fallen asleep quite quickly and settled into a deep slumber snoring quietly as he sometimes did. I watched the shadows dance across the wall as the light filled the room, and revelled in the warm glow I still felt after Jamie’s attentions. I had turned to watch him sleep some more when an ear piercing crack filled the night and shook me to the core. Jamie sat up with a fright.

“Are you all right Mo nighean donn?” He checked me over, not sure what had woken him but coming face first with my own pale reflection.

“It’s not me, I’m fine.” I said as I reached for my gown and went to look out the window. “It sounded like an explosion, the storm was pretty close.” I told him as I tried to look out across the land through the semi frosted glass. My heart sank as I saw the glow of a fire in their nearby horizon. “Jamie.” I cried out. He was behind me in a shot, looking in the direction I was pointing.

“Christ!” He swore as he realised what had happened, “That’s Ian McCready’s place.” It was well alight, and I knew he had a wife and three young children. Jamie hastily pulled on his breeches as I grabbed for my own clothes. “Where do you think you’re going?” He asked me, snatching my skirt from me.

I snatched it back and put it on immediately, “You know as well as I do the injuries you might be facing. You need my help.”  
“Jenny can manage just fine.” He insisted strongly.  
“Jamie, they’re my friends too and I’m going.” I put my foot down. Jamie had no time to argue, but he was clearly displeased.

“Christ Claire.” He conceded, “Just promise me you’ll take it easy.”  
“I promise.” I said grabbing my medicine box, before Jamie took it from my hands and then helped me down the stairs. We met Jenny and Ian in the parlour and Mrs Crook was already seeing to settling the children back in their beds. Jamie grabbed a second cloak and placed it over my shoulders as we made our way outside. Fergus and Rabbie already had the wagon ready as Jenny threw blankets and supplies in the back. Jamie helped me up beside Ian who held the reigns and then mounted his own horse.

“Take care of her.” He warned Ian as he leaned and kissed me quickly before kicking Donas into gear.

“Be careful.” I urged him as he took off like the wind, Jenny climbed into the back of the wagon as Fergus mounted his own horse and took off after Jamie. I looked out to the bright orange glow on the horizon, the rain still falling from the clouds above as I hoped that we would make it in time.

 

JAMMF

 

By the time we got there, some ten minutes later, there were already several tenants on site. The croft was well ablaze and the heat from the flames was fierce. I could see several men grabbing buckets from the nearby well and throwing them on the flames in vain. Bits of timber and debris lay all over the place, and I recognised them as parts of the barrels that they kept the whiskey in. “Christ” I thought to myself, if this fire was fuelled by alcohol there’d be no winning. I could see Mrs McCready, propped against a nearby wagon, in shock as she watched her house go up in smoke, two young bairns clung to her side. I checked her over for head injuries and found none, there was a small burn to her right arm and she was covered in ash, as were her children, but they seemed unharmed, thank god. I grabbed my medicine kit and, in a bit of irony, smeared some alcohol on the burn to help kill any germs before I bandaged it up. She didn’t fight me, she didn’t even realise I was there as she watched on helpless, her children crying into her blouse.

 

“Where’s William?” I asked, noting that her eldest son was not around, “Mrs McCready?” She just shook her head and my heart sank. I finished the bandage and looked towards the house. I caught a glimpse of Jamie, carrying out a man, unconscious, from the burning building towards my location. The timbers and furniture in the croft crackling loudly as they burned. There was another explosion at the rear of the building, everyone froze a moment and then continued, I watched Jamie lower the unconscious body on the ground before me as it started to groan. He looked at me, asking unquestionably if he would live. I nodded affirmatively and hoped I was right. Trying to give my newest patient something to drink, Jamie tilted the patients head to help him swallow. He had a wound to the head, and a severe burn on his legs.

“Trapped under a beam.” Jamie informed me, pulling my medicine box closer so I could reach it, as my large size made it hard to manoeuvre.

“Mr McCready, Ian, can you hear me?” I asked, but he was dazed and confused. I tended to his head wound first, wiping the blood and ash clear so I could stitch the wound. People moved hastily around me as I worked, trying to stop the flames from spreading. The ground was dry and the fire threatened to light the hay in the nearby paddock. Jenny tended to Mrs McCready and her bairns as I worked on her husband.

I had just finished stitching the wound, and was fastening the bandage over his skull to keep it clean when another explosion sent bits of timber flying into the air, I flung my body over my patient, as I felt Jamie cover me from above in a similar move. I heard the whiskey barrel land some feet away, still burning as it impacted the ground hard. “I want you out of here Sassenach.” Jamie urged me, checking me over to make sure I was alright.

“You’ll get no argument from me.” I surprised him, “Help me get him to the wagon, I can dress his burns from there.” Jamie called out to two nearby men, who lifted Mr McCready into the back of the wagon as I had instructed, as Jamie lifted me from the ground and brought me and my medicine box out of harms way. “Go I’m fine.” I assured him as I set about cleaning his burns, but Jamie hesitated. “Have you found young William?” I asked him fretfully.

“William’s still inside?” He asked me, a sense of urgency in his voice,

“I’m not sure.” I answered, looking towards Mrs McCready who continued to look at her burning house.   

“God.” Jamie tensed up, “That place is ready to go, there’s still more whiskey stored inside, and the nearby hay stock is feeding it further.” Jamie explained. “Are you sure you’re all right Sassenach?” he kissed me quickly, grabbing my hand and holding it tight.

“I’m well. Go.” He held my hand until he was too far away and our fingers could no longer reach each other.

Whiskey had been a main source of income for most crofters since the war, and they had hidden it throughout the estate to hide it from the English. I held my breath as Jamie ran back towards the burning building and informed the other men that William was missing. I noted that Jenny saw it too and we shared a look of concern. Jenny joined me, and helped me cleanse the burned skin as we waited with baited breath. Ian was busily tending to the nearby paddock, where a small fire had broken out, and was squashing the flames with a wet rag. Fergus and some of the other men had joined him.

I had seen a grass fire once, and had been frightened by its speed and intensity as Uncle Lamb and I had sheltered with some nearby settlers as we waited for it to pass. The smoke had been thick and blinding and I recalled the choking sensation as it engulfed the small cave we had hidden in. I feared that even if we saved what was left of the croft, we could still loose the nearby crops. Glancing back towards the house, I couldn’t see Jamie anywhere, and Murtagh seemed to be calling out to someone inside. I watched the expression on nearby faces, Jenny’s included, as a loud crack preceded another explosion as the roof fell in on what remained of the building.

“Jamie!” I cried out, leaving my patient as I raced across the field. I didn’t know what I was doing, only that something grabbed me and held me tight, stopping me from getting to the door.

“Easy Lass.” Murtagh struggled to control me as I tried to break free,

“Jamie!” I called out again as Jenny now stood by my side. I looked at her, and shook my head, “No” He couldn’t be, she had to be wrong.

“Shaw!” Someone called out from the side of the building as they knocked back the wall and someone appeared, holding a small parcel in his arms.

“Jamie.” I shook myself free, punching my captor in the shoulder, breaking free as he winced in pain, and ran to him. “He was black all over, covered in soot, but as his bright white eyes stared at me, and I felt his touch under my hand on his cheek, I could have killed him. “You bloody fool.” I yelled at him, as tears fell from my eyes.

“Dinna fash mo gradh, I’m unharmed.” He promised as he juggled with the weight of the child in his arms. “Young William needs your help Sassenach.”

“Of course.” Seeing Jamie was safe, I set my mind back to my work. Jenny ordered the men to place the young boy by his father, and as she washed his face as I had shown her, I took a moment to hug Jamie tight, relieved that he was still in one piece, my anger fading.

“I’m sorry for scaring you like that.” He apologised, as Murtagh came up to check he was all right for himself.

“Looking after you two is a full time job.” Murtagh teased him relieved as he slapped him on the shoulder.

“What’s wrong with your shoulder?” Jamie asked, noting that Murtagh was rubbing it a little, Murtagh just looked at me and smiled,

“Tis nothing.” He nodded as the place where I had hit him with a closed fist in the shoulder joint, trying to free myself, still ached.

“Will he live?” Jamie asked me as I returned my attention to my patient and completed my analysis.

“I think so. It appears he was knocked out by the explosion, he’s breathed in a bit of smoke but he should be ok.” I said as Jenny nodded her agreement.

“He’s a lucky lad.” Jamie informed us, “I found him under the table, it protected him from the falling timbers.”

“Thank Christ for that.” I whispered as I noted several other men being brought in my direction. When the last explosion had gone off, several men had been bombarded with shrapnel from the exploding stones and timbers. Jenny and I had our work cut out for us as Jamie and Murtagh went to help Ian and Fergus with the grass fire.

It had taken Jenny and I almost half an hour to tend to the last of our patients. Pleased that we had managed not to lose anyone, the light of dawn was beginning to peek through the clouds as the storm moved on. It had been a long few hours and everyone was exhausted. Fergus had returned from the field where Jamie, Murtagh and Ian had managed to stop the spread of the fire and had already begun to load the injured into the waiting wagons. I took a small sip of drink from Fergus as I gathered the last of my supplies and placed them in my medicine chest.

“You’ve done a braw job today Sassenach. You’ve much to be proud of.” Jamie congratulated me as he came to take me home.

“Barring any infections they should recover quickly.” I acknowledged proudly as Jamie grabbed the medicine chest which sat beside me on the ground and handed it to Ian, who placed it on the wagon, before stretching out to grab my arm to escort me back. I reached out and grabbed his hand, allowing him to help me to my feet, but just as instantly, my feet felt weak under me and I felt a dizzy haze overwhelm me. “Claire!” I heard him scream as I blacked out.

“Claire, mo nighean donn.” I felt him stroking my forehead as he yelled my name, “Come back to me, Claire.”

“Mmmm.” I tried to shake the fogginess from my head, I couldn’t remember where I was, my bed maybe, but I could feel the strength of the wind. I opened my eyes, my sight occupied with the terror filled features of Jamie’s face, and the realisation that I was lying on the ground in his arms, with several people looking on.  

“Claire?” I could hear the panic in his voice as my vision cleared and my memory returned.

“I’m all right.” I mumbled as I tried to sit up.

“No you’re bloody not.” I heard Murtagh curse, “You scared the bloody piss right out of me again.” He echoed Jamie’s thoughts.

“I got up too quickly is all.” I surmised. I could feel Jamie’s arms around me, holding me tight above the ground. Ian watched on as Jenny rested her hand on my forehead, just as concerned.

“Fergus, water now.” Jenny ordered as Fergus quickly obeyed. Jamie was still speechless with fear.

“Mo nighean donn.” He finally spoke again, “Be honest with me. Is it the bairn?”  
“No.” I reached out and stroked his cheek, brushing the tear from his face, “I stood too quickly and I hadn’t eaten enough. I’m feeling better already.” I promised as Fergus handed me a cup of water. I sipped it slowly.

“Tis just the fainting sickness.” Jenny added, “She’ll be all right.” She nodded, taking my lead. I could tell Jamie didn’t believe us. “Best be getting her home to rest.” Jenny ordered her brother.

“I can walk.” I insisted as Jamie stopped me from trying to get up and started to lift me into his arms.

“Don’t even think about it Sassenach.” Jamie smiled at me, the colour returning to his cheeks a little. “I’ll be carrying you myself.” He demanded as he manoeuvred me towards the wagon. One of the less injured men jumped off as another helped Jamie make me comfortable for the short ride home. I felt embarrassed. After all they had been through tonight, they had more concern for my welfare then for their own and what they had lost. Jamie trotted beside the wagon on Donas, not taking his eyes off of me as we made our way slowly back to the manor.

 

As soon as we got to the main house, Jamie had grabbed me first and taken me straight upstairs and tucked me into bed. Ian and Jenny had seen to setting the other men up in the parlour, under my order, until they were healed. I wanted them close where I could keep an eye on them, once I could convince Jamie that I was well enough to be let out of bed that was. After placing me on the bed, Jamie began taking my boots off and removing my stockings. I tried to undo the laces on my bodice, but he had insisted on doing it for me. Fergus had come up shortly after with a small meal and another glass of water and both men had watched me eat every last bite before taking their eyes off of me. “I’m truly am all right.” I insisted as they floated about my bed, finding excuses not to leave.

“That may be Sassenach.” Jamie smiled at me unconvincingly, “But I do not intend to let you out of my sight again.”

“Nor I Milady.” Fergus copied Jamie’s stance, right down to his insistent scowl.

“Well then.” I surrendered, I knew when I was defeated, “It’s been a long night and I’d like to get some rest. If you’ll not let me leave, you can at least let me sleep in peace.”

“Aye.” Jamie nodded, ushering Fergus out of the room, “You heard the lady lad. She needs her rest.”  
“I shall see to the men for you then.” Fergus offered, “So that you may watch Milady.”  
“That would be much appreciated. Thank you.” Jamie nodded thankfully as Fergus took his leave.

“You can go too you know; I can call out if I need you.” I assured him.  
“And find you on the stairs again like last time?” Jamie scoffed, “Not a chance. I know you too well my Lady Broch Tuarach. I’ll wait right here until you wake.” He grinned stubbornly, taking a seat by the fire and inspecting the two books he had on the table nearby. He picked one up and turned to the page he was up to when he last read it, “Get some rest mo nighean donn. I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Jamie.” I whispered to him. “I love you.”

“Aye I ken, and I you mo gradh.” He grinned at my words as he settled in for the morning. I rolled over, quietly glad for the company and found myself asleep in no time.


	10. Lallybroch Recovers

Chapter 10: Lallybroch Recovers

 

“…I tried to ease the trap open slowly so that we could cook it for our supper, but the young rabbit took off across the field quicker than you can blink and deep into the bush. I followed it ya ken, not wanting to go hungry for the night, until I came across a clearing with rabbits as far as the eye could see. I watched them playing and hopping around, not moving so much as a muscle so as not to make my presence known….”

“And then what did you do?” I heard the little voice ask inquisitively as I peered out from the blanket to see Bree sitting on Jamie’s lap as they sat by the fire. Jamie was clearly telling one of his many stories from his youth. I didn’t want to disturb them, but the feeling in my bladder meant that I couldn’t remain still for long.

“Yes, what did you do next?” I asked, sitting up slowly as Jamie picked Bree up of his lap and placed her back on her feet.

“Are you ok mummy?” She asked, racing over and hugging me tightly.

“I’m fine. I was just a little tired is all.” I promised her as I stroked her hair with my fingertips. I watched Jamie scan me from top to toe again, obviously I had received the all clear as he settled and took a seat at the end of the bed after giving me a quick kiss on the lips.

“How are you feeling?” He asked me as he rested a hand on my ankle, “Anymore faintness?”

“No.” I answered him, looking at Bree and spinning her around so that I held her close by my side as she faced Jamie. “How are the men?”  
“Jenny’s been tending to them. They are all well thanks to you.” He smiled again, “Young William is awake, Jenny says that other than a hoarse voice he is unharmed.”

“I’d like to see for myself.” I insisted,

“Aye, I ken that Sassenach, but later.” Jamie picked Bree up and sent her out to find Jenny, “But first” He took my hands in his as we found ourselves alone, “I need you to promise me something.”  
“Not this again Jamie.” I pulled my hands back, “I told you I would take it easy, but..”

“I ken that last night was not a common event, and that you could not just sit back and watch people suffering without lifting a finger to help. It’s one of the qualities I love most about ye.”  
“But?”  
“But.” He continued, “When you collapsed in my arms, it reminded me of how helpless I felt when…” He didn’t continue his words, I knew what he meant, back in the woods in Paris when he had been arrested after the duel, “I could not live through that again mo nighean donn. To see you in pain, slipping from my grasp and helpless to do a thig about it. I couldna bare it.”

“Jamie.” I wish I could promise him everything would be all right, but it would be a lie, and we had a long standing agreement between us, in all else, honesty.

“It is not easy what I ask of you, but I do na wish for you to leave the house. I ken that you can’t stay in here.” He said referencing the confines of our bedroom chamber, “But I want to know where you are at all times, I want to know you are safe. Can you do that for me?” He asked hesitantly. It wasn’t that much to ask, and he was trying his best not to be too overprotective, so I bowed my head and took his face in my hands.

“I promise.” I nodded looking deep into his eyes, “I promise not to leave the house, not to take any more chances.” I felt his shoulders relax immediately, as much as they would, as he took my hand and kissed it. There were only eight weeks to go if we had calculated correctly, and Jamie always did. And I knew he planned to take me to the stones in just over four weeks. If I had to stay in this room, or the parlour for four weeks to help ease his fears, I would do it. I owed him that much.

“Good.” He shook his head pleased, “Now.” He nodded to the clothes on the nearby chair, “If you would allow me to help you dress, I will escort you down to your men.” He bowed to me, indicating that he was my humble servant.

“First.” I stopped him from grabbing my skirt, “I think you’d best fetch me my chamber pot. My bladder is full to bursting.”  
“Right away madam.” He said, putting my skirt back, grabbing the pot from under the bed and helping me to my feet as I squatted above it. I made a light moaning sound at the pleasure of releasing the pressure from my bladder and he chuckled at me. “You try having the wee bairn using your bladder as a soccer ball.” I warned him, realising that he had no idea what soccer was, he didn’t care though, he understood my message.

“If only I could Sassenach.” He grinned as I stood back up and he placed me back on the bed, discarding of the warm liquid. “I’d gladly carry the bairn for you if I could.” He rubbed my belly before reaching back for my skirt.

 

JAMMF

 

As Jamie guided me down the stairs and into the parlour, I was thrilled to see my patients sitting up in their makeshift beds, making jokes and giving Jenny grief. Even young William was playing some sort of game with Maggie as she tended to his needs, following her mother’s lead. For a moment, I considered how they would make a perfect match for each other, and then recalled that they were only ten. Jamie allowed me to speak to each of the men, checking their pulses and their wounds before easing me onto a seat and ensuring I had a drink to sip on. “We never got a chance to thank you Mistress Fraser.” Ian McCready spoke up as Jamie went to stoke the fire, “I may have lost my home last night, but thanks to you I still have my life, and my family.”  
“You are most welcome Mr McCready.” I hadn’t been the only one helping out, and I felt a bit discomfited to be taking all of the praise.

“You’ve a braw mistress there Jamie. You take care of her.”  
“Aye. You can count on that.” Jamie winked at me as he poured a fresh glass of water for one of the others.

“And what am I?” Jenny teased him as she handed out bowls of broth.

“You too Mistress Fraser, as always we are always in your debt.”  
“Just get yourself well so I can have my parlour back. That will be thanks enough.” She joked with him as she made her way around the room.

 

I remained in my seat as promised, sitting with my patients, joking with them and listening to their stories. Jamie kept a close eye on me, never moving far from sight as he discussed how to deal with the recent loss of the croft and their merchandise with Murtagh and Ian. They could rebuild the croft in time, but the whiskey was a loss of income that they had to bare. I noticed Jamie’s body language as he spoke with Ian and Murtagh sometime later, clearly they didn’t agree with Jamie’s instructions and I made a note to ask Jamie about it later. It wasn’t long before I found my chance, later that afternoon as Jamie took me discreetly upstairs so that I could relieve myself yet again, away from the men.

“Jamie.” I began carefully, “What were you talking with Ian and Murtagh about before?”  
“Tis nothing for you to worry about.” He assured me as he held my weight about the pot.  
“That’s not the point.” I argued, “I’d like to know.”  
“The whiskey we lost last night would have fetched a fair price.” He began clearly deciding that it was futile to resist, “And if we are to enter the cattle business, then we need to recover that loss quickly ye ken.” He said, lowering my skirt as I finished, while I sat to listen to his explanation. “We’ve not much of value left, except for the horses.” He hesitated.

“You can’t, not Maise?” I knew a pregnant mare would fetch a good price, two for the price of one.

“No, not Maise. I could never sell your beautiful horse. I brought it for you as a gift and I mean for ye to keep it.” He replied shocked that I would suggest he was capable of such a thought.

“Surely you wouldn’t sell Donas?” I shook my head in disagreement, “But your dreams.”  
“No Sassenach, not Donas.” He replied, still filled with sorrow at his decision, “The foal.”  
“You can’t. You said she wasn’t ready, she needed more training.”

“Aye, but we need the money now.” He confirmed, “I told Ian to sell her, Donas has a second foal on the way, he should be as strong as the first, tis just a delay is all.” Referring to his plans to start a Stud with Donas’ offspring.  
“I’m so sorry Jamie.” I knew it wasn’t an easy decision for him.  
“Don’t be.” Jamie was a realist, “The cattle will give us the income we need now, the horses can wait till later.” He explained as he helped me up and lead us back towards the door. “You said so yourself, the price of cattle will rise sharply over the next few months. We are sure to double our investment.”  
“Christ Jamie. It’s a big gamble, what if I’m wrong?”  
“I have complete faith in ye Claire. You’ve never steered me wrong.” Jamie smiled at me, grabbing my chin and kissing me softly, “Not yet anyway.” He winked as we made our way back down to the parlour.

 

JAMMF

 

Ian and Murtagh had left the next day to take the foal to the market in the lowlands, Jamie was sure they would fetch a better price there, given that the English had stripped the Highlands of its wealth after Cullloden. I resumed my place in the parlour, the men entertaining me further with their tales as Jamie reluctantly tended to the farm in Ian’s absence. But not before leaving Fergus behind, who would send his master hourly reports as to my condition. Jenny and the children tended to the men, supplying them with broth and ale as the day went on. I felt a pang of remorse that I couldn’t help her, but I had been promptly put in my place last time I had tried and I wasn’t willing to risk another round. I picked up a book later in the afternoon and I began reading to the men, it was one of Jenny’s books about a young man named Robinson Caruso on some kind of adventure. As most of them were relatively uneducated and couldn’t read for themselves, they found it a welcome relief and distraction, and I was glad to be useful again.  

As I read aloud, expressing each emotion as best I could, I found myself getting caught up in the story as much as my captive audience. I found myself holding my breath when the characters were facing peril and rejoicing when they outsmarted their enemy. The bairns had joined us and were just as lost in the story as we were. It wasn’t until I received a sharp kick to my bladder that I recalled why I had been reading to the men in the first place. Followed quickly by two more. I stopped reading momentarily as I tried to catch my breath, the force of the blow winding me momentarily. I rubbed my stomach and whispered for the child to stop, but it didn’t listen.

“Are you all right mistress?” one of the men asked as I sat in silence a moment, distracted by my discomfort as I shifted my weight to get more comfortable.

“Here have some water Milady.” Fergus poured out a glass and handed it to me. I sipped on it, but it didn’t help. “Should I fetch Milord?” He asked concerned.  
“No Fergus, it’s just the baby kicking. I’m fine, it’ll settle down in a minute.” I assured him as he watched me carefully. McCready called him over and whispered something in his ear, Fergus nodded and then left immediately. “Honestly.” I assured the worried faces in front of me, “The bairn has a strong kick, like it’s father.” I reached out and grabbed Bree’s hand, “Here, have a feel.” I insisted as I rested her hand on my belly. Bree squealed, scared at first, but then placed her hand back on my belly and giggled. Katherine and Maggie did the same.

“Best rest Mistress, we wouldn’t want anything to happen to you on our account. We can finish the book tomorrow.” Jacob McArthur insisted as the other men nodded in agreement.  
“We will not.” I insisted, picking it up to find where I was up to.

“I don’t mean to be indelicate.” Another of the men interceded, “But we all ken what you’re going through. I lost my sweet Mary six years ago in child bed, you have already been so kind to us all, not only now, but before.” He added, not wanting to mention the war, “We’d hate to see anything happen to you.”

They may have been blunt but their hearts were in the right place. I was about to try and explain that I was quite well, when the giant red headed Scot came bursting through the front doors and into the parlour. “Claire!” He grabbed my hand, “Are you ill?”  
“I’m sorry Fergus worried you.” I said, grabbing his hand and placing it on my belly, “It’s just your bairn again. I’d be much obliged if you would tell it to ease off a little.” I smiled at him, as he felt the bairn kick strongly under his own fingers. “It winded me a moment is all.”  
“Are you sure?” He studied me, as the bairn kicked yet again and I winced at the discomfort. Jamie leaned down and whispered to the child as he often did, and instantly the assault to my insides quietened down.

“You’ll have to teach me how to do that.” I said, placing my hand over his as it rested on our unborn child.

“Your hands are ice cold mo nighean donn.” He exclaimed looking to Fergus, “Stroke the fire at once.”

“Don’t you dare.” I motioned for Fergus to stop, “The men need fresh air to recover.”  
“We are fine ma’am.” One answered as another agreed,

“It was getting a bit chilly in here anyway.” Another added as Jamie grabbed a nearby blanket and placed it over my knees, tucking it in tight.

“There.” Jamie cocked an eyebrow daring me to resist, I shot him a look back and then let him do as he pleased. He motioned for Fergus to continue. It appeared that I was outnumbered.

“I’m fine.” I promised him, “You have work to finish, you should go.”  
“Nothing that can’t wait.” He said settling back in beside me, “Besides I think I’ve been away from my wife quite long enough for today.” He said looking at the book in my hand, “Oh I like this one.” He admitted as he took it from me and turned it over in his hand, “Shall I continue reading?” He asked. I looked around at the men, like them I had never heard him read aloud before and was stunned by the offer.

“Be my guest.” I insisted as Jamie leaned back on the sofa, and pulled me into him,

“Right then.” He began, “Where are we up to?” He embraced me in one arm, my head leaning against his chest as he held the book in the other. I was surprised at how fluently he read and I settled in to listen to the rest of the story.


	11. Return to the Stones

Chapter 11: Return to the Stones

Over the next two weeks, my patients recovered and left my charge. A nearby croft had been lent to the McCready family, it’s inhabitant, a single unwed man, had offered to live in the barn for a while until the McCready Croft could be rebuilt. Ian and Murtagh returned from the lowlands, pleased with the prize they had received for the young filly, and with fifty head of cattle to start our new adventure. There was a positive air about the estate and everything seemed to be coming together quite nicely. I made a point of recording what had happened in my letters to Mrs Graham, and made another point of getting my affairs in order, just in case.   
It was almost noon when I made my way into the kitchen to speak with Jenny, I had asked a favour of her several weeks ago and I needed to make sure that she hadn’t forgotten her promise. I was coming dangerously close to my due date and although I didn’t see the point in scaring anyone unnecessarily, I had begun to feel small twitches every now and then and my back was beginning to ache more and more. We had been lucky so far, and I didn’t know how long that luck would hold out.  
“May I help?” I asked, taking a seat at the nearby table.  
“Over my dead body.” She cursed as she rolled out the pastry for the pie. “What are you doing in here anyway? Jamie will tan ye hide if he finds you in here.”  
“He’s outside.” I informed her, “Besides I needed to talk to you alone.”  
“I’m listening.” She said as she kept about her work.  
“Have you thought about what I asked you. I need to know if you’ll help me, should the time come?”  
“Aye I’ve thought about it.” Jenny said dismissively, “And I must say Claire, it’s no small favour ye ask.”  
“I know. But I can’t ask anyone else. Jamie would never do it and I don’t think Murtagh would either. I need to know Jenny, can I trust you to do what needs to be done?”  
“I’m not too pleased about it, but I understand your reasons.” She looked up from the pastry and stared at me, I thought I saw a tear in her eye. “I ken what I’ll need to do well enough, I’ve seen it done once before, on a horse mind ye, but I couldn’t imagine doing it on a person. Not someone I ken.”  
“I’ve no one else to ask Jenny. You’re a practical woman, you know I don’t ask this lightly but I need to know?”  
“If the time comes.” She nodded, and then pounded the pastry more vigorously.  
“I knew you would understand.” I felt a sense of relief, and dread.  
“Aye I do.” I’d never heard Jenny hesitate before and it worried me. “I promise you Claire.” She said looking up at me, swearing an oath, “If something happens, I promise you I’ll save the child first.”  
“Jamie will try and stop you.” I warned her, he was a force of nature when his back was up. I knew in my heart he would never forgive himself for making such a choice, if he even could. To choose the bairns life over my own by performing a caesarean. It would be a gut wrenching decision and an even harder act to watch, let alone perform, so I had decided to take the decision out of his hands and make the choice for him. If there were any complications, if something went wrong, Jenny would cut me open like I had shown her, using my scar as a guide, and she would save the child.  
“I know.” Jenny shuddered at the thought of putting her brother through that, he had been a shell of a man after Culloden and he had known her to be alive then. She could only imagine what he would be like if he lost her for real. “You can trust me to do what needs to be done.” She promised me.  
“And Brianna?” She would be left without a mother.  
“I’ll look after her as if she is one of my own bairns, like you do mine.” She smiled briefly.   
“Thank you Jenny.” The words seemed wholly inadequate but the air was awkward so I decided to leave her to her thoughts, “You are a dear friend.” I added. Jenny didn’t answer. What could she say? She had just agreed to take my life to spare the child’s if anything went wrong. Before I left though I turned and said “I have left some letters for you all, just in case. You’ll find them in a box under the bed. You’ll know what to do with them.” I informed her before I went to join my husband outside. 

JAMMF

Fergus escorted me out to the stable where Jamie had just assisted my mare to birth Donas’s new foal. It was a beautiful colt, jet black like its father, its coat still slick as it trotted around the stable. I rested on the edge of the barn against the fence and watched as Jamie supplied the horses with fresh water and made sure that the foal was healthy.  
“He’s beautiful Jamie, I’m glad I was here to see it.” I smiled, watching the foal suckling on its mothers’ teat.   
“Aye Sassenach. He’s a bonny lad.” Jamie came to join me, as we watched them together. He reached around my waist and rested his hand on our own bairn. “I always knew they would make a good pairing.” He smiled as we watched the foal, born of a union between his horse and mine. I felt an odd sense of symmetry as we stood there, our hands on our own foal from our own union. I hoped it was an omen of good fortune to come.  
We didn’t say anything, we both felt the tension of our promise to each other. He would have to send me away before the end of the month, and neither one of us was looking forward to it. We felt the child kick, trying to imagine what it might look like, how it would feel to hold it in our arms, if it was a boy or a girl. My heart ached at having to be apart from him again, and having to travel back through the stones. Healer, heal thyself I thought to myself. For all of my knowledge, my fate was not in my hands. A thought that scared me so.   
“Do not fear Sassenach.’ Jamie hugged me tighter, “I ken that everything will be all right.” He comforted me as much as himself. “I may not be a white lady, or a time traveller, but I know one thing.” He smiled as he rested his chin on my head, “We always land on our feet, and we always find each other.”   
“I wish you could go with me.” I shuddered slightly, but he sensed my tension.  
“I ken Sassenach, I wish that more than anything.” He truly did, “It pains me to think that something might happen and I’ll not be there to comfort ye.” He whispered softly, “But I need to trust that everything will be all right and you’ll come back to us. Me and Bree.”  
“You’ll look after her?” I asked him, “If..”  
“How can you even ask such a thing?” He was hurt by my question, I knew, but it was still valid. He spun me around to face him, so I could see the conviction in his piercing blue eyes.  
“I know how you’ll feel” I continued, “If I don’t come back. I felt it myself, when I first went back and I thought I had lost you. It’s a powerful hurt, it can make you lose your mind, to forget your promises...” I recalled. I had wanted to die, even during my pregnancy, it wasn’t until Bree had been born that my grief had been quietened a little.   
“I ken what you’re saying Sassenach, and I’ll not promise that I won’t grieve you something fierce, but I’ll not forget Brianna. For she is all I have of you, of you and I.” He held me so tight I could hardly breath, but I didn’t mind. As long as I could feel his arms around me I knew I was alive.

JAMMF

You could cut the air with a knife as the first week of May signalled the begin of my journey. Jenny had stocked the wagon with enough provisions to last a month and we had made sure to spend as much time with Bree as possible during the weeks beforehand. No one felt good about what was happening, and it was with a heavy heart that I said goodbye to Jenny and Ian and the rest of our tenants. As far as they were concerned Jamie was taking me down to the lowlands, where the medical care was slightly improved and my chances of survival increased. It broke my heart to hug Bree goodbye, I hated lying to her, and Jamie thankfully made a point to get the wagon moving before I could break down in front of her. Murtagh and Fergus came with us, Murtagh rode beside us, Fergus rode his own horse behind us, with Donas tied securely to the rear of the wagon. As we made our way south, I leaned into Jamie’s shoulder, eager for his reassurance as we made our way to Craigh Na Dun.   
My apprehension at reaching our destination, was only overcome by the uncomfortable nature of camping out in the wildness at eight months of pregnancy. Jamie had brought a tent along, and he tried desperately to make a comfortable bed for me with the numerous blankets Jenny had packed, but my large size, and the hard ground made it impossible to settle at night. I found myself nodding off during the day as we travelled, and writing in my journal at night by the fire.   
We found ourselves, on our last night together, camped by the creek where Jamie had camped all those years before when he had first tried to send me back through the stones. Murtagh and Fergus were fast asleep as I sat listening to the sounds of the creek bubbling nearby. I tried to take in the smells and sights around me, so I could carry them in my thoughts until I returned. The scent of the fire filled my lungs as I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. Having given up on the tent, Jamie lay asleep by the fire, he hadn’t so much fallen asleep as he had passed out from exhaustion, and sheer stubbiness having insisted in keeping me company at night, while still being awake during the day.   
I watched him breath, his chest rising up and down as his lips curled upwards. I wondered what he was thinking, if he was dreaming of me. Then it occurred to me, I had no picture of him, nothing to take with me. I had done some basic sketches while I researched the local plant life, and I was by no means an artist, but I decided to take out my pencil and journal and began to sketch an image of him as best I could. I wished I had some colours, to capture his beautiful red hair, and the deep blue of his eyes. I don’t know how long it took me, but when I had finished, I felt a sadness as I looked at my likeness of him. Would this be the last time I saw him I wondered as a tear fell from my face and then ran across the page, the ink running underneath it.   
I sat there, ignoring the birds nearby heralding the dawn as I watched him sleep. I knew as soon as he awoke I would have to leave, he would not be able to hold himself back from stopping me for long, this, I surmised, was also the reason that he had insisted on bringing Murtagh along, the only one who could make him see reason if he tried. I traced his lips softly with my fingers, so warm and inviting. Next I wiped his red curls from his face, as I watched his eyes blink rapidly, as they always did before he woke. His eyes looked lovingly up at me, pleased to see me, then looked away, his memory returning. “James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser.” I whispered to him, stroking his forehead reassuringly, “Blood of my blood and bone of my bone…”  
“I give you my body that we two may be one and I give you my spirit till our time may be done, and even after.” He whispered. “I love you mo nighean donn.”  
“And I love you James Fraser.” I kissed him, strong and passionately and he took me in his arms, I knew he wouldn’t let me go all the way, but the feel of his lips on mine was more than I could ask for. I pulled him close to me, as he pulled me close to him. I sat across his lap as his hands caressed my thighs, hips and breasts all the while I played with his hair twisting the bright red locks in my fingers. I arched my neck back as he kissed me softly. I thought I noticed Murtagh wake at one point, but he rolled over and faced the other way. I doubted if I would ever have the strength to pull myself away from him. My skin burned at his touch and I felt myself losing control as he ran his hands up and down the length of my torso. He knew me well and it wasn’t long before he made me sigh, my head crashing down on his shoulder as I tried to catch my breath. He rubbed my back as he held me in his arms and I felt him sigh as his tears fell silently on my shoulder. “It’s time to go.” He whispered as I heard Murtagh stir, as if on cue. I noticed Murtagh give a small kick to Fergus, waking the lad, before stoking the fire with another log.   
“I’m not ready.” I shook my head, “Just one more minute.” I begged him.  
“I ken Sassenach. But If I want any longer, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to let you go.” Jamie closed his eyes, lifted me off of his lap and stood up. He helped me to my feet, and wrapped the shawl around my shoulders, before heading off into the woods to compose himself. I watched him as I stood by the fire, my heart pounding in my chest.   
“Look after him Murtagh.” I whispered softly, as he came to hug me goodbye.  
“You have no fear of that Mistress Claire, the lad is like a son to me.” He nodded at me, then continued, slightly embarrassed, “And you a daughter.” He added, “You take care of yourself Claire. I feel very fondly for ye and I’ve no wish to mourn ye.”   
“And I couldn’t wish for a better father.” I reached out and hugged him tightly. We were still embraced when Jamie returned, his eyes red from crying, but his voice firm.  
“Is it time Milord?” Fergus asked Jamie, a bit shaken at seeing his idol so distressed.   
“It is.” Jamie looked at me as he reached out and took my hand.   
“Look after Milord.” I instructed Fergus as he hugged me back.   
“Always Milady.” He promised., handing me a small clump of wild flowers.   
We said goodbye to Fergus and Murtagh and a s we made our way to the top of the hill, I grabbed the journal from my pocket and placed it in a crack by the largest stone. Jamie and I stood there, staring at each other but we didn’t speak. There were no words for what we felt as Jamie stood in front of me, our hands on our unborn child as we said our silent goodbyes and prayers.  
“Come back to me Claire.” He nodded, his forehead resting on mine before he gathered me up and kissed me so passionately I could hardly breath.   
“I promise.” I said as he finally let me go. It took all my strength to let go of his hand as I stroked his cheek and smiled at him, before turning to face the stones. I heard him gasp as I stepped forward and reached towards the cold vibrating surface. “Claire.” I heard him cry as my world went black.


	12. Destiny Makes Her Choice

Chapter 12: Destiny Makes Her Choice

 

“Claire. Claire my dear?” It was the first thing I heard as I woke up. I was on my back and the ground was wet beneath me. Drops of water were landing on my face as I tried to open my eyes. My had instinctively reached for my belly, and then my arms and legs. Everything seemed to be intact.

“Are you all right my dear?” She asked again as she placed her umbrella over me to shield me from the rain. “Are you hurt?”  
“No, no I’m fine.” I replied as I started to sit up. “It’s so lovely to see you again.” I hugged her as she reached down to lend me a hand.

“And I you.” She agreed as she placed a dry blanket around my shoulders. “I’ve thought of you often. You and your Jamie” She admitted as she walked me slowly down the hill towards her car.  
“What are you doing here?” I finally asked, it couldn’t be coincidence that she was here at precisely the right time.  

“I found your journal. You had the date written in it. I’ve been expecting you.” She grinned at me, giddy to be part of the adventure again, “I read your letters over and over again. I often feel like I’m right there with you.”

“In my thoughts you are.” I assured her as she jumped into the drivers’ seat and started the car. I grabbed her hand as she rested it on the gears, holding it a minute as the rain poured down outside and ran down the windows. “It means so much to me that you are here.” I thanked her.

“Think nothing of it dear, it is I who should be thanking you for allowing me to join you on your adventure.” She squeezed mine back, “But I best be getting you back to the house. You’ll catch a death of cold out here.”  
“Is the Reverend well?” I asked hesitantly.

“Aye. He’s looking forward to seeing you, although he still has trouble believing what is happening, he was glad to hear the news of your wee bairn.” She nodded to my unborn child. “And I know he still thinks of you and your child often. Is she well?” 

“She’s wonderful, life on the farm really suits her and she grows more and more like her father every day.”

“She’s with Jamie then?” Mrs Graham asked as we neared the village.

“Yes. We thought it best.” My heart ached that she wasn’t with me, but I knew she was in good hands.

“Not to stress about such things.” Mrs Graham sensed my mood, “Best get you home, warm and fed and you can tell me all about it.” She insisted as I relaxed into twentieth century life again. It was an odd sensation, driving in a car at almost 40 mph. Much faster than a wagon but not I thought my beautiful Maise and I wondered again if I would ever see her again, her and her foal.

 

The Reverends house was as musty and homely as always. Mrs Graham had run me a warm bath, which was a welcome luxury and I savoured every moment. She had arranged for some fresh clothes for me, washed my old ones, and fixed a nutritious meal. I got the feeling that I would be watched just as carefully here as I had been by Jamie at home, and secretly wondered if he had gotten word to Mrs Graham somehow. After our meal, we retired to the parlour for some nice warm tea by the fire. Mrs Graham filled me in on all of the world events that I had missed in the last two years and I told her all about my life at Lallybroch with Jamie and Bree. Even the good reverend listened with an open mind and asked a few questions here and there.

 

As I was getting ready for bed, Mrs Graham came up to make sure that I had everything that I needed for the night, and that the room would remain warmed by the fire. It had occurred to me, during our conversations, that she was still in possession of my journal and a terrible sense of de ja vu came over me. “Mrs Graham.” I grabbed her hand as she tucked me in and pulled the sheets up closer to me, “I need to ask you a favour.”  
“Anything my dear.” She smiled at me warmly.

“The journal, you still have it don’t you?”

“It’s one of my most cherished possessions.” She admitted, “Why do you ask?”  
“You must promise me, never to tell me anything that hasn’t happened yet. I’ve no idea what I would have written in there past this day and I’ve no desire to. I lived with that burden once and it almost ruined me, I’ve no wish to be a profit again.”  
“My dear.” She laughed at me, and I felt a little embarrassed, “Have no fear. You have written as much several times over. I’ve no intention of breaking my promise to you.”

“I did?”  
“Aye.” She smiled, “You were most insistent that I never let you see it.” She continued, then pulled something out of her pocket, “But I thought you might like a little something from it, just to keep you company my dear.” She handed over the piece of carefully folded paper and watched me warily. My heart fluttered and a tear fell from my eye as I opened it up. It was my sketch of Jamie. “He’s a fine young man.” She told me, “You’re a very lucky woman.”  
“You have no idea.” I smiled with such elation, and longing.

“There are more, of Jamie and your young lass, but I’ll not show them to you just yet.” Her words gave me pause, and a thought crossed my mind.

“So there is more, I’ve written in it? In the future?”  
“Aye.” Was all she said.

“But that means.” I hesitated, could it be, “I don’t die then? In childbirth?”

“Oh my sweet child.” Mrs Graham pulled me in close and held me tight, cradling me in her arms, “No.” She continued as I cried relieved, “Whatever made you think of that? I’ll tell you this once and once only, you’ve a good many years ahead of you yet.” She calmed me as all of the tension and fear poured out of me. She sat with me until I had almost cried myself to sleep. Settling me down into the pillow she pulled the blankets up over me and whispered, “Rest my child and may god protect you as you sleep.” I didn’t hear her leave, as my thoughts filled of Jamie and Bree and the promise of a future to come.   
 

 

JAMMF

 

“Would ye like a bit of porridge Jamie?” Murtagh asked me as I made my way back down the hill to join them. But I couldn’t eat, my stomach was in knots praying she made it safely back to her own time. I had no way of knowing and it haunted me to the core. I sat on the log, letting the fire warm me as me hands twitched uncontrollably. God why couldn’t I have gone with her? All I could do was pray that she and the child were safe. I don’t know how long I sat there, or how many times I looked back towards the stones to make sure that she hadn’t come back through. All I knew was that I was already losing my mind, and she wasn’t due back for another eight weeks. Eight weeks of not knowing if she and the bairn were safe.

“Is there anything I can do for ye Milord?” Fergus asked as he watched from the log on the other side.

“No Fergus. I’m afraid there is not.” I sighed. I looked to Murtagh, who had gathered some more firewood and was watching me carefully. “We’ll camp here tonight.” I informed them, I wasn’t ready to leave her behind, not yet.

“Aye.” Was all Murtagh replied, as if already knowing my thoughts. “We’ll stay as long as you need.” He added, “We’ve enough provisions.” He nodded towards the wagon.

“And I can catch us some fish.” Fergus added, “Like you taught me.”

“You’re good lads. I have not thanked ye for your support. I ken it hasn’t been easy.”  
“I wouldn’t hear of it.” Murtagh scoffed insulted, “Say nothing of it.”

“Still.” I threw the stone I’d been twirling around in my fingers into the fire and looked them both face on, “Thank you. Truly”

 

We stayed at the hill, for three days. Every time I had tried to leave, something had drawn me back there. Murtagh had offered to go into town, to see if there was any news on the cattle market and to gather a few things that Jenny had requested while we were nearby. It was late in the afternoon when he had returned on the third day, with news of a cattle sale at a nearby croft. Although it went against my morals to profit from someone else’s misery, I couldn’t afford to miss out on a bargain, so we packed up our camp, and made one last visit to the stones and prayed that she’d be all right. Afterwards Murtagh, Fergus and I made our way, three days west to try and buy some more cattle.

 

The cattle were half starved and required some attention but the price was cheap enough. There were thirty head of prime stock once we beefed them up a little bit. Before long, we found ourselves herding a mob of cattle back up to the highlands, towards Lallybroch and leaving the stones and Claire behind. It took ten long days to move them slowly along the trail, and we had been gone almost two weeks by the time we returned home. I was pleased to see that nothing had changed when we entered the main yard, Jenny was busy with the washing, the bairns were running around playing and Maise and her foal were happily prancing around the stable yard. We penned the cattle in the paddock nearest the house so we could keep an eye on them while we fatted them up.   

“Jamie.” Jenny had greeted me tentatively as I settled Donas back into the barn. “What have we here then?”

“Some more stock, they’re a wee bit shabby but they’ll come good in no time.” I assured her as we both avoided the obvious questions.

“Aye.” She looked them over suspiciously, “It’ll be a lot of work.” She muttered, “But I think they’ll do well.”  
“I’m glad you approve.” I nodded as a glean of red hair caught my attention. She flew into my arms and I held her so tight. This had been the longest we had been parted since she had first come into my life two years ago, my mind preoccupied with Claire, I had forgotten how much I had missed her. I held her tightly in one arm, while she helped me brush Donas down with the other.

“Is mummy all right?” She had asked me, and I wondered what was the longest period of time she had been parted from Claire, before now.

“She’s all right. She’ll be back soon.” I promised, and I knew she took me at my word, I had never lied to her and I never would.

“Good.” She smiled at me and then continued to brush Donas, mimicking my actions. I looked at her in awe, telling myself that I wouldn’t spend the next six weeks weighed down by fear and worry. If Bree could trust that her mother would be coming back to her, then I could too. I couldn’t let my daughter be braver than I.

 

JAMMF

 

I awoke, two weeks later to a sharp pain in the middle of the night. My heart raced and my back ached as I tried to calm my nerves. I felt so alone, I wanted Jamie with me, I wanted him to hold my hand and tell me everything would be all right. I felt the moisture between my legs and I felt my heart freeze, my hand trembled as I reached for the sheets. “Dear god, please don’t let there be blood.” I prayed as I lit the candle beside my bed and drew back the sheets to get a better look. “Thank god.” My water had broken, but it was clear. My heart was pounding and I thought for sure I was going to have a heart attack. I made my way slowly out of bed, knocking over the table as I fumbled in the poor light. I had managed to get my robe on and open the door before I was overcome with searing pain. I held the doorway timbers for support as I tried to remember how to breath. Everything was moving so fast and just as I thought I might pass out from the pain, I noticed Mrs Graham’s light turn on and I tried to scream out her name.

“Claire.” She screamed startled finding me hunched over in the doorway, “Hold on my dear.” She took my arm and supported me while I waited for the contraction to subside.

“I’m afraid I wet the bed.” I apologised as I found my voice again.

“Don’t worry about it lass.” She laughed at me, “Do you think you can manage down the stairs?” She asked, as I tried to stand up right.

“I’m not sure.” That one had hit me hard and fast and it had knocked the wind out of me.

“What’s going on?” The reverend asked as he came out to see what was going on, “Oh my” was all he exclaimed before quickly disappearing again.

I made it to the bottom of the stairs before the next contraction came, by now the good reverend had returned, more appropriately dressed and was being ordered about by Mrs Graham. “Call the hospital, quick.” She ordered, “I don’t think this child’s going to wait.”

“Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.” I felt like I was splitting in two, how did I get to this stage so fast? I wasn’t ready. “Sorry Father.”

“Don’t you apologise my dear.” He smiled warmly at me, “You just hang in there. I’ll go get the car started.”

“Just breath Claire, it will all be ok. I promise.” Mrs Graham tried to sooth me, as I wondered if she was being honest with me. Why hadn’t she known this was going to happen and been prepared. Surely I would have mentioned it to make sure she was, or had I omitted the fact trying not to be a profit?

“Jamie!” I cried as the pain had me falling to my knees. Things had not progressed this fast with Brianna, and I began to feel that something was terribly wrong.


	13. A Baby Is Born

Chapter 13: A Baby Is Born

 

I had travelled back to Craigh Na dun as agreed, accompanied yet again by Murtagh and Fergus. The cattle had started to bulk up well once they were on Lallybroch pasture and after five weeks of being well fed they were healthy enough to join the other cattle in the bottom paddock. I had again left them in Ian’s care, as I came to fulfil my promise and bring my wife home. We camped in our usual spot, arriving two days ahead of schedule. It had been a long and anxious wait. My temper was short and I had scolded young Fergus more than once ashamedly. I felt sorry for the lad, I knew he was just as anxious as I was.

As the sun rose the next morning, I leapt out of my blanket where I slept by the fire and raced to the top of the hill. I sat there for hours, first alone, then with Fergus by my side. We watched the stones, not knowing what to expect. Would she just appear? Would she fade in just like she had faded out? My mind pondered the possibilities as I waited. The hours passed slowly and as the light faded, and Murtagh came with some wild rabbit for supper, a darkness filled me to the core. She hadn’t come. Why hadn’t she come?

I tried touching the stones, to travel through time and bring her back myself, but as before nothing happened. I was helpless, all I could do was sit and wait. So I did. I watched that stone, not taking my eyes off of it all through the night and the next day. Fergus drifted off to sleep early that morning, and Murtagh stood nearby, I ken his thoughts well. After the second day, he had tried to get me to wait by the camp, so I could at least have the warmth of the fire. I had ordered Fergus to go with him, but I couldn’t leave. Not wanting to light a fire of my own in case the English saw it from afar, I sat and I waited.

My bones were numb and my soul was heavy when he approached me on the afternoon of the fourth day. He had grabbed me by the shoulders and insisted that I join him at the camp, or he would march me there himself. I pushed him off, throwing him across the grounds. “My heart bleeds for you lad, but she wouldn’t want you to starve yourself on her account.” He had told me. How dare he imply she was gone.

“Do not speak of her that way.” I warned him, “She’s been delayed is all.”  
“I pray you are right, I do. But you must eat.” He had gotten back up on his feet and now stood before me again, “If not for Claire, then for Brianna.”  
“Brianna?”  
“Aye.” He held out a hand, “Don’t let her lose her father as well.”

“It’s all my fault.” Brianna had lost her mother because I had given her another child. I should have known better, after Faith, after Brianna’s dangerous birth. How could I have been so selfish. “I’ve killed her.” I fell to my knees, “Oh my sweet mo nighean donn. How could you ever forgive me?” I screamed to the heavens. “I am so so sorry.”

 

“CLAIRE!” I screamed out as I sat up cold in my bed. “Claire!” I cried into my hands as I tried to shake the thoughts from my head. Had it been a dream? A vision? A bad omen? It had been almost three weeks since I had left Claire at the stones, she could be due any day and I couldn’t help but wonder if today was the day. My mind filled with thoughts of her, surrounded by strangers as she lay in pain, and me not there to comfort her. I had seen Jenny often enough in childbed to know just how painful and laborious it was and I often wondered why any woman would want to go through that more than once, let alone how any man could allow their beloved to go through it at all.

I was still shaking when Jenny came rushing into my chamber, she had taken one look at me and wrapped me in her arms. “Shh mo gradhe.” She whispered, “It was only a dream.” She soothed me, as our mother had done. I didn’t fight it. I was filled with terror.

“God Jenny.” I mumbled, “What am I going to do?” I asked her, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach as I tried to breathe through the pain that I was feeling.

“You’re going to keep your faith is what you’re going to do. She’ll be all right, you ken she will. She’s as stubborn as the both of us.”  
“I should be with her.” The pain was easing, but it was still there, I felt like I was being torn in two and in a way I had been.

“I know. I know my love.” She rocked me gently, “Tis not an easy thing you’re going through, but it will all turn out for the best. You’ll see.” 

As my hands steadied and my heart found its natural rhythm Jenny sat by my bed, talking of odd things to help me pass the time. Once I was sufficiently recovered, I insisted that she go back to bed, while I took a walk outside to get rid of my nervous energy and calm my thoughts. “Till our time be done mo nighean donn, but I’m not done yet.”

 

JAMMF

 

I felt sorry for the trouble I had caused as the reverend raced through the tiny streets of Inverness in the early hours of the morning. Mrs Graham held my hand as we sat in the back, and no sooner  had we arrived at the Inverness Hospital, I had been rushed into the operating room. A precaution I had been assured, on account of my high risk pregnancy. I looked around for a familiar face, but I found none. They had refused to let Mrs Graham inside and she was forced to wait with Reverend Wakefield. I said a silent prayer and tried to imagine myself back at Lallybroch with Jamie and Brianna. There was very little rest between contractions, and the sound of the nurses buzzing around heightened my anxiety. It wasn’t eased when the doctor checked on my progress, the same look on his face I had used when I didn’t want to alarm the patient.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as the nurse handed him a sponge, and I felt something warm trickle down my legs. “Oh god not again.” I cried. “Jamie.” Where was he?

“Shh dear.” The nurse took my hand, “I’m sure Jamie will be here soon. Just in time to hold his child.” She comforted me, but it wasn’t any comfort at all.

“How bad is the bleeding?” I asked again, “Please I’m a nurse.” I begged.

“The haemorrhage is minor.” The doctor finally spoke, coming to look at me as he described my condition so that I understood. “Normally I would do a c section.” He began, “I can see you had one last time.” He pointed towards my scar, as I had already been scolded about travelling so late in my pregnancy without my medical notes. If only they knew I thought.

“You must save the baby.” I begged him, “Promise me.”  
“It hasn’t come to that.” He tried to calm me. “You are progressing quite fast and I think we can deliver this baby safely, without a c section, but I want to be prepared just in case.”

“Do whatever you have to do” I ordered him. “Just save my child.”

He hadn’t been kidding me. In less than ten minutes, I found myself baring down as hard as I could, a kind nurse holding my hand as I tried my best not to pass out. I gathered what little strength I had left and I tried to focus my thoughts, if he couldn’t be here in person he could at least be here in spirit. I imagined it was he who held my hand as I pushed down hard and screamed his name. “JAMIE!!!!” I called out as our child tore through me and into the doctors waiting arms.    

There had been some bleeding, as before, but the doctor had it under control in no time. I could hear my child crying, and I began to cry as well. Tears of joy, of relief. We were both alive. The nurse brought the child, wrapped tightly in a blanket over to me and held it so I could see, it was so pink and tiny, and it looked so much like it’s sister. I touched its tiny hand to make sure it was real, it’s fingers curled around mine as the nurse handed it to me. I cradled it in my arms, unable to convince myself that it wasn’t a dream. “I am so very happy to meet you.” I whispered as I imagined Jamie by my side, watching over us.

 

JAMMF

      
They had kept me in the hospital for a week, I had lost a little blood after the birth and they wanted to make sure I was fully recovered before I travelled back home, to America. Mrs Graham and the reverend looked after us for the next three weeks, helping with the early morning feeds and waiting on me hand and foot while I rested as much as I could. They didn’t mind the sleepless nights, or the endless piles of washing. At least that’s what they told me. Even young Roger helped out whenever he could. I was glad for the company and for the help, but I longed to get back to my home, to my family.  The night before my pre planned departure, I found myself restless and unable to sleep. Mrs Graham had also found herself awake in the early hours of the morning and we had shared an early pot of tea while she nursed my child one last time and made sure that I had everything I needed for my return journey. I would never be able to repay her for all of her help, or for her friendship.

 

We swaddled the child up tight to protect it from the early morning cold outside and as I dressed myself in my eighteenth century attire, she bounced the child up and down, cradling it like her own grandchild. “I’ll write to you often.” I promised her, “And let you know how we are going.”  
“I know.” She smiled at me knowingly, “And I’ll look forward to reading them.”

“I wish you could come with us. You would love Lallybroch.” I assured her.

“I don’t doubt it.” She thought remorsefully, “But I’m an old woman and my place is here.” She said, placing the child in a padded basket for the journey back to Craigh Na Dun. The journey was over before I knew it, and there was so much to say, but no words to say it.

“I’ll miss you.” I hugged her as we stood in front of the stones. Mrs Graham handed me the child and we used a thick large scarf to bind it tight to my chest, swaddling it like I had seen them do in Africa many years ago. I placed some old rags in its ears, to protect it from the sounds of the screams, as I had done with Brianna, and we said our final goodbyes.

“And I’ll miss you” She said as she kissed me goodbye, “Take care my child.” She added as she stood back and watched as I made my journey home.

 

JAMMF

  
“Mind where you stand lad.” Murtagh cursed, “You’re wearing a hole in the ground.” He teased me as I paced back and forth over and over again. The sun wasn’t up yet, but my hands were sweating with anticipation as my heart threatened to leap from my chest.

“I can’t help it.” I bit back at him, “It’s like my every nerve is on alert, ready to pounce.”

“Then pounce the other way man. Go for a walk or something, you’re making me nervous.”

“Aye, well. You’re in good company then.” I teased him. “You’re right though, I think I’ll just go up and take a look. You never know.” I winked at him as I set off in the darkness.

“Don’t get lost.” He called back after me. “Ye bloody clot head.”

I don’t know how long I waited, as I tried to tell myself that my reoccurring dream was not a vision, but born of my own fears. I watched and waited, my fingers twitched as the first bird started singing and the light of dawn started to rise over the nearby horizon. I checked the stone, over and over again, I still couldn’t feel anything. I wore a fresh hole in the ground as I walked forwards and back, willing her to come.

“Murtagh sent me to give you this.” Fergus interrupted my thoughts as he handed me a bowl of hot porridge. I took it from him gratefully, looking back down towards the camp as I blew the steam from the top of the bowl and took a bite.

“Thank you.” I said to Fergus as he waited with me.

“She’ll be alright, wont she milord?” Fergus asked me concerned, I stopped my pacing and looked him straight on.

“Aye lad, Milady will be back in no time.” I promised him as I took another quick bite.

“Milord.” Fergus turned white as a stone as he stood before me.

“What is it lad?” I asked as I turned to see what he was looking at. I froze. Dropping my bowl, I ran to her side. She was dressed just as I had last seen her as she lay on the ground. I placed the blanket I had brought with me over her and cradled her in my arms. “Claire.” I whispered, “Claire?”

“Jamie.” She mumbled as I held her tight against my chest. My god I thought to myself, she’s alive, she’s back. I brushed the hair from her face as she sat up.

“Careful.” I urged her, “Take it easy.”  
“I’m all right.” She insisted as she shook off the blanket, she held her stomach, rubbing it up and down and I cursed her for being so foolish as to come back before the child was born and that’s when I realised. As she undid the fabric around her waist, a tiny pink hand wriggled in the morning breeze and a child’s gurgling filled the air as it tried to speak. My eyes welled up with tears as I held that tiny hand in mine. Feeling the soft texture and the tiny bones just beneath the surface. With Claire still resting in my arms, she dropped the cloth and exposed the face of our child. Pink and healthy and staring up at me with such curiosity.

“James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser.” She began, “I would like to introduce you to your daughter.”

“It’s a girl?” I couldn’t believe it was real, I thought my heart was going to burst, “We have a daughter.” I kissed her on the forehead, soft and sweet as all newborns are, and then with great joy and longing I kissed my wife, Claire Fraser. First on the forehead and then on the lips, so long and hard I forgot to let her breath.

“Are you happy?” she asked me, as we sat there, getting use to one another again.

“I am so happy there are no words.” I told her, kissing her again. “Come.” I picked her up off the ground and placed the blanket around her shoulders as she carried the infant carefully in her arms. I feared with every step that I might trip and cause them to fall with me as I traversed the hill back down to the camp. Fergus kept watch on her other side just in case.

As we made it to the camp, I sat her by the fire and watched her as she sat in its warm glow, our child resting in her arms safe and sound. She had done it. She had come back to me again.  

 

JAMMF

 

“Does she have a name yet?” Murtagh asked as he congratulated us on our newest addition.

“Not yet.” I looked to Jamie who was standing proudly behind us, “But I have an idea.”

“Whatever you decide.” He smiled at me, I felt I could have asked to call her something ridiculous like porridge or Tinkerbell and he would have agreed, he was so enamoured with her.       

“How do you like the name Elizabeth Ellen Mackenzie Fraser?” I asked him. “After your mother, and mine”

“I think it’s a bonny name.” He replied, reaching out to take her hand. “I am very pleased to meet you, Elizabeth Fraser.”

“Ellen would be most honoured.” Murtagh agreed. “But thank goodness this one looks more like you than Jamie.” He teased, “Two red headed Scot’s is more than enough to handle.” He grinned, referencing Brianna’s tendency to be just as stubborn and adventurous as her father.

“I don’t know.” I said, looking down at her wisps of brown hair and the curl of her lips. “She may have my hair, but she’s definitely got her father’s eyes.”


	14. Welcome Home

Chapter 14: Welcome Home

   

We sat by the fire, Elizabeth in my arms as Jamie held us both tightly, watching her every move, I felt my body relax for the first time in weeks since I had left him. Felt the scent of him fill me once again and the warm sensation of his skin on mine as his arm reached around behind me and pulled me close to his chest. Instinctively I found myself leaning into him and resting my head on his shoulder, as his other hand manoeuvred his plaid over my own shoulder and around Elizabeth to make sure we were both covered from the chill of the approaching nights air. Fergus and Murtagh had kept the fire lit and ensured everything I would need was close at hand as we talked throughout the day, watching Em as I had come to call her, sleeping in between feedings. Jamie told me all about Lallybroch, how the crops were growing nicely and how the new foal was becoming more and more independent every day. How Jenny was coping and the adventures her children and Bree were getting up to in my absence. I had only been gone eight weeks but it felt like so much longer. I tried to tell him about Mrs Graham and how she had received my letters, about the daily goings on of Inverness and how I had spent my days as I awaited the birth of our daughter. He laughed amused as I recounted the poor reverend trying to get me to the hospital in time, and how he had helped Mrs Graham and I care for Em in the weeks afterwards.

“I wish I could have been there, to help you out.” He apologised as Murtagh placed another log on the fire and prepared the rabbits he had caught for our dinner.

“You’re here now, and that’s all that matters.” I leaned up and kissed him, as he caught my chin and returned my kiss. There was still a sadness in his eyes as I reached up with my free hand and placed it on his cheek. “Besides.” I continued, “Somehow I felt like you were with me all along, you never left my thoughts.”  
“Aye, nor you mine.” He smiled lovingly, “I counted the days till I would see you again.”  
“Nearly drove us all mad.” Murtagh added as he placed the skinned rabbit on the fire.

“I am very glad you are back Milady.” Fergus added, “Maybe now we can all get some rest.” He said looking at Jamie and then turning away quickly.

“Jamie.” I shook my head, knowing how he liked to keep himself busy when he was frustrated or agitated, never one to be idle, “Tell me you didn’t work everyone to the bone while I was gone.”  
“To the bone and deeper.” Murtagh hissed as he sat back to have another drink of ale, a cheeky grin on his face in answer to Jamie’s instant stare to stop talking.

“There’s much to do on an estate as big as Lallybroch. Tis not my fault if the servants are not up to scratch.” Jamie teased as he threw a small pebble in Murtagh’s direction.

“That’s gratitude for ye hey Fergus.” Murtagh winked at the young lad who was already watering at the mouth, as the smell of meat cooking filled the air.

“Well I’m sure that now everything is as it should be, the Laird will see fit as to grant you a day or two of rest.” I returned Murtagh’s wink as Jamie clamped his hand around me tighter.

“Don’t be going too easy on ‘em.” He quipped, “You’ll turn them soft.”

“Oh.” I elbowed him in the ribs a little in reply, “Spare the rod and spoil the child?”  
“Aye, something like that.” Jamie laughed as he rubbed his rib. Em gurgled a little as she stirred and Jamie sat up straight immediately, his hand resting on her tiny chest as he rubbed it trying to sooth her.

“She’s laughing at you I presume.” Although he helped out occasionally with Jenny and Ian’s children, it was another matter entirely to be sleep deprived by your own child on a regular basis. Em and I knew that the hard work and long nights were only just beginning, we would soon see who was soft then I thought to myself.

“She wouldn’t laugh at her da.” He smiled at her, “She’s got more sense than to disrespect her elders.”

“Oh aye.” I grinned at him, “Wives and children should be meek and obedient if I recall.” I added teasing him.

“I may be new at this parenthood thing.” He returned, “But I’m not so daft as to think any of our children are going to be meek or obedient, not with you as their mother.” He kissed me before I could protest any further or start up old arguments.

“At least you’ve got that right.” Murtagh laughed as Fergus checked to see if the rabbit was cooked yet. “You’ve got your hands full now lad.”  
“Aye, I have haven’t I.” He kissed me again on the forehead and squeezed me for good measure in a loving embrace. “And I wouldna have it any other way.”

After all we had been through, the time we had lost and the difficulties we had faced we were finally where we wanted to be, growing old together with children of our own to raise and one day start families of their own.

 

JAMMF

 

As Murtagh passed me the plate of cooked rabbit and potatoes, Jamie took Elizabeth from me and rested her in one arm, her tiny being almost lost in the folds of his shirt as she cradled peacefully in the hollo of his elbow. He took his plate in the other hand, resting it on his knee as he watched her sleep. I wished I had a camera to record the moment for ever, but I knew the image of Jamie finally holding his own child in his arms would never leave me. He was a natural, not like most first time fathers who took their children hesitantly, or showed little interest at all. Jamie was born to be a father, a natural protector and carer of the innocent, he held her in such a way that there was no chance of any harm ever coming to her. He gave the impression that he could do anything single handed, work the fields, ride a horse, fight a duel, all the while barely disrupting the sleeping child as she rested in his embrace. I was even a little envious, holding Bree and juggling daily activities when I first had become a mother had been a never ending challenge. It wasn’t until she was much older that I had finally found my rhythm and worked out how to best achieve each task.

We finished our meals as the light faded, and Murtagh and Fergus made themselves busy fetching more firewood for the night as I nursed Elizabeth after supper. Jamie had reluctantly handed her back so I could feed her, but remained attached none the less as she wrapped her tiny hand around his little finger, squeezing it as she suckled on my breast. I could feel Jamie watching me as if I was creating some magnificent work of art. I knew that look in his eyes well, and my entire body seemed to sense it as I felt myself tingling all over. I can only assume that my own look was just as lustful. With his free hand Jamie stroked my cheek, brushed back my hair and played with the base of my ear. I shuddered at his touch as he leaned in close and followed it with a kiss, his lips warm and soft on my skin. It had been too long, months, since we had been so intimate and now that we were together again the urgency was stronger than ever. As Elizabeth feed blissfully unaware of her parents sinful glances, Jamie held my gaze as I looked into his eyes. Whatever had been plaguing his thoughts earlier was clearly now a forgotten memory.

“Mmmphmmm?” Murtagh announced himself as he and Fergus returned to the fire with new kindling and timber.

“Why don’t you get some rest Sassenach?” Jamie blushed, “I can care for the bairn while you sleep.”

“I am rather tired.” I admitted. It had been a long day and I knew Elizabeth would wake at least twice during the night. Fergus threw another log on the fire as Jamie took her from my hands and swaddled her in the blanket Jenny had knitted.

“You look done in too, My Laird.” Murtagh mumbled in suggestion. I looked at Jamie and the child in his arms and wondered if she would sleep long enough for us to enjoy some time together.

“I’m fine.” Jamie hesitated as Fergus stepped forward with the basket Jenny had also placed in the wagon amongst other much needed provisions.

“Let me care for her for a while. I know what to do.” Fergus nodded, knowing full well what we had in mind, “It is my job to protect your right remember, and that includes her too no?”

“Aye.” Jamie smiled at the conspiracy before him as I tried not to feel too bashful. After all their subtlety, they knew exactly what we were about to do once inside the tent. “I suppose it is.” He surrendered, placing Elizabeth carefully into the basket as Fergus sat down by the fire ready to watch over her. “Come Sassenach.” He winked at me, “It’s time we did as we were told and went to bed.”

“To bed?” I asked, reaching out to take the hand he was offering me, “Or to sleep?” Jamie stifled a chuckle as he took my hand in his and led me into the tent, making sure the blankets closed behind us and left the world outside.

 

JAMMF

 

Jamie lowered me down onto the ground with haste, grabbing at my skirt and lifting it above my knee as I ripped of his own kilt in our urgency. In no time, my body already aching for him, he thrust himself inside me and I shuddered as we became one again. He jittered like an anxious child with a new toy, he didn’t know where to focus his efforts as his hands and lips moved from my own, to my chest, my stomach, back to my chest and my lips in an erratic whirl of energy. “My god Sassenach.” He finally moaned once he could speak again, “I have waited so long to take you in my arms again.”  
“I missed you so much Jamie.” I concurred as I grabbed his head in my hands and focused his attention on my lips, kissing him softly as he settled a little and returned my gaze, stealing my breath as he kissed me back.

“When you’re not with me…” He hesitated as he did when he considered his thoughts foolish, he was already aroused again and ready for more, moving up and down inside me slowly as he settled in for a long ride. “Everything just falls apart.” He continued, “It’s like the world is falling down around me and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“I’m here now Jamie.” I promised him. “I’m not going anywhere, not ever, not without you.”

“I thought…” Jamie began again and then stopped.

“What is it?” He seemed so sad, so frightened. I stroked his hair, allowing him a moment and then pushing the matter further as he seemed to stop still inside of me, lost in thought.

“I feared I‘d never see you again. I had a dream one night, you were calling my name and I couldn’t get to ye….”

“I’m sorry.” I held him close to me as he rested on my chest, he was almost as white as a ghost just recalling the sensation.

“You have nothing to be sorry for mo nighean donn. It was just a dream.” He shook it off trying to regain his nerves. “Tis nothing.”  


“I called out for you, when I had Elizabeth.” I added ending the silence, “For a moment I thought I heard you calling back to me.” I soothed him, “It was as if you were with me, perhaps you were. What was it you said, I give you my spirit that we two shall be one.”  


“Aye.” He smiled at me, his mood lightening, he took my wrist and traced the faint scar left by his dirk, “I promised I’d never leave you, that I’d always be there for you.”  


“And you were.” I said, tracing his own scar, “When I was exhausted and I had almost given up, it was your voice, your spirit that urged me to push on, not the nurses or the doctors but you, my love.” I stroked his cheek and leaned in to kiss him, “You gave me the strength that I needed to bring our daughter into the world.”  


“God Sassenach.” He said as he brushed his hand down the side of my face as one would brush an egg shell or fine porcelain, “You are the strongest most beautiful woman I know. It is you that gives me strength every day, I’d be nothing without you.” A tear fell from his cheek as he kissed me, his lips quivering as he tried to steady himself.

He began to move inside of me again as he watched my every move, every expression. I found myself speechless as I watched him, watching me. I had never believed in love at first sight or the idea of soul mates, I was too much of a realist for that, but the last few years had challenged my views till I had found myself believing that I had been destined to travel through the stones, that my entire reason for being was to find Jamie and live out my life with him here in the 18th century. As we shuddered in unison, our energy spent, I felt a sadness as he removed himself and came to lay beside me on the blanket. Even as he pulled me into his chest, cradling me in his arms, it didn’t feel close enough. Pulling the spare blanket over us to keep warm, he twisted my hair around his fingers as we slowly drifted off to asleep in each other’s arms for the first time in two months. 

 

JAMMF

“You are a bonny lass.” Murtagh grinned as he held Elizabeth in his arms and jiggled her up and down to keep her settled, “But I can tell by the gleam in your eye that you’ve got your fathers spirit within ye.”  
“What a horrible thing to say.” Fergus winced, “She’s going to be a fine lady like Madam.”

“Hmm.” Murtagh looked at him, “She’s just as much trouble as Jamie.” Murtagh recalled all of their many adventures together, “One things for sure young Fergus.”

“What’s that?” Fergus looked up to him puzzled

“We’ve definitely got our work cut out for us laddie. Let’s hope they don’t add any more to the equation any time soon.”  
“I don’t know.” Fergus looked towards the tent and then back at Elizabeth, “I think there will be more children to come.” He grinned sheepishly as the groans from the tent carried in the nights breeze. Murtagh looked at Elizabeth and raised an eyebrow in contemplation,

“Aye.” He agreed, “What have I gotten myself into?” Elizabeth smiled at him with almost devious timing as Murtagh pulled her back in close and began to cradle her in his arms.

“What’s that smell?” Fergus asked as he sniffed around, sniffing in Murtagh’s direction as he zoned in on the offending odour.

“It isn’t me.” Murtagh pushed him back offended, then realised what was happening. He swore something in Gaelic as he held the child away from him as far as possible. “That’s not right.” He screwed up his nose.

“You need to change her.” Fergus chuckled as he moved away from Murtagh on the log.

“Me?” Murtagh tried to hand her to Fergus, “You’re the one who offered to look after her.”

“But I’m just a kid.” Fergus objected with his best cute child expression, although almost sixteen, as the two men looked towards the tent. For a moment Murtagh contemplated seeing if they were almost finished so that Claire could tend to the child, but as the noises became more and more expressive, he thought against it and looked back at Fergus.

Swearing in Gaelic again he stood up and headed for the wagon, “Fetch me a clean rag and something to rest her on then.” He ordered Fergus, “We can’t have her laying on the cold ground, she’ll catch a chill.” Fergus complied immediately and together they managed to remove the soiled rags, burying them in a hole nearby as they struggled to hold their breath, and then fastened clean ones. Elizabeth smiled appreciatively as Murtagh rocked her back to sleep by the fire. 

 

JAMMF

I woke in the middle of the night to find Elizabeth, asleep in Jamie’s arms. I watched them for a moment, they looked so peaceful as both their lips twitched in their dreams and their eyelids fluttered back and forth. It was some time before she stirred and I took her gently from his arms to feed her. Jamie awoke shortly after and watched as I nursed her on my breast. “Does it hurt?” He asked curiously,

“No, not really.” It was the oddest sensation, “Not till she starts teething anyway.” I recalled feeding Bree and how she had left her own mark or two on occasion.

“Women truly are magical creatures.” Jamie whispered as Elizabeth stopped suckling and started gurgling. I placed her on my shoulder to help burp her, and started rubbing her back up and down gently.

“May I?” Jamie asked reaching out to grab her. I handed her to him, and he mimicked my action perfectly.

“She likes it if you….” But there was no need to finish. He was already jiggling her up and down gently. He raised an eyebrow smugly as if to tell me he needed no instruction.

“What about you my Sassenach. Are you hungry?” He asked as she burped twice and he lowered Elizabeth back down to settle her back to sleep.

“A little.” We had worked up quite an appetite last night and I smiled as I realised he knew exactly what I was thinking about.

“I’ll get Murtagh to boil the oats. It shouldn’t be too long.” He offered.  
“That would be lovely, thank you.” I leaned into his good morning kiss and let it linger a moment then watched as he put his boots on one handed.

“Would you like me to take her?” I asked as he made his way to the front of the tent.

“No. We can manage.” He smiled as he lifted the blanket and stepped outside effortlessly, “Take your time. We’ll wait for you by the fire.” I watched them go, then pulled the blanket up around my chest as I thought about what a wonderful morning it was. Deciding not to fall back to sleep, I fumbled for my clothes and got dressed so I could join them.

The morning was brisk but the sky promised a beautiful warm day as I finished the last of my breakfast. Afterwards, I made my way to the river to wash my hands and face, Murtagh and Fergus packed up the tent and our belongings ready for the long journey home. I couldn’t wait to be back in my own bed, but there was an undeniable tranquil feeling to living out under the stars. “Are you ready to go home?” Jamie asked as I returned shortly after. He had wrapped Elizabeth up securely in the blanket Jenny had made and she was resting in the basket at the front of the wagon, watched closely by young Fergus. Jamie held out his hand for me to take, leading me back towards the wagon.  

“Yes.” I replied as I took one last look at our hill.

“Bree will be glad to see you again. She’s been well but she misses you.” He informed me as he took me by the hips and lifted me up onto the wagon’s front bench. His hands shifting from my hip, to my thigh and lingering a moment as his thumb rubbed the material back and forth.

“I’ve missed her dearly.” I replied, brushing his hand aside reminding him we had company as Fergus jolted the wagon, taking the reigns as he sat beside me. Jamie took my hand and squeezed it before letting go. “I can’t wait to see her.”

“Aye.” Jamie mounted his horse as he came to ride beside me, “I ken what you mean.” He smiled, reaching out to kiss me one last time.

“Heaven all mighty.” Murtagh groaned teasingly, “Let’s get this wagon moving Fergus.” He urged, “Before we’ve another mouth to feed.”

“Aye.” Fergus rolled his eyes in a shared joke.

“Shaw, That’ll be enough of that.” I felt Jamie grin happily at the notion as he ordered the men to be quiet. He kissed me quick one last time for good measure and then broke free of the embrace as we made our way to Lallybroch. 


	15. Back To Lallybroch

_Chapter 15: Back to Lallybroch_

As we neared our destination on the fifth day, we were all covered in road dust and looking the worst for wear. Our journey had started off promising, Elizabeth had travelled well and slept for most of that second day. I also had found the jostling of the wagon, although uncomfortable, quite hypnotic, though I couldn’t wait till I could ride my own horse again. Elizabeth must have picked up on my thoughts, as sometime in the afternoon she had woken from her slumber and refused to settle. We had tried everything from feeding her, changing her, jiggling her up and down but nothing worked. Every time I placed her in her basket she had started to scream. Eventually we decided we had to get moving again to make it to camp before dark. I held her screaming and wriggling in my arms as we made our way back North. We’d stopped two more times to try and settle her, finding rest bite from her ear piercing screams only when Jamie held her. Thinking ourselves clever, Jamie had taken over the wagon from Fergus so he could hold Elizabeth while we travelled, but Elizabeth was none too pleased and continued to scream. It seemed only to settle her when he walked her, but he couldn’t walk all the way to Lallybroch.

“Blessed Mary.” Jamie had cursed after the seventh hour when we had failed yet again to settle while Jamie rode in the wagon, “Tell me what I can do for ye lass?” He begged, “It hurts me to see you so.”

“Welcome to parenthood.” I smiled at him, desperate for a nap myself.

“The lass is like a spirited horse.” Murtagh commented agitatedly, “She has a mind of her own.”

“Aye.” Jamie’s god like status was quickly coming into question as even he failed to sooth her, that was until he had a bright idea to swaddle her wrapped tight to his chest as he rode Donas slowly beside us.

“I cannae believe it.” Murtagh cursed as I watched on surprised. As soon as Jamie had started trotting beside us she had settled immediately and remained that way until he and Donas stopped moving for any length of time, an action which would instantly be met with more screaming.

“Shhh. Don’t jinx it.” I whispered as Jamie sat proudly in the saddle, gripping his child tightly.

“Aye.” Murtagh agreed, “Looks like ye’ll be in that saddle for a few days lad, we may even make it to Lallybroch in record time if she willna allow ye to stop.”

“Aye.” Jamie whispered nodding, making sure she was still asleep, “She ken’s who her da is that’s for sure.” He smiled, pleased with himself.

“Never doubted it.” I smiled at him as I wondered just how long this new found peace would last.

 

JAMMF

We looked almost like a band of beggars as we rode into Lallybroch, the look on Jenny and Mrs Crook’s face was priceless as Fergus brought the wagon to a standstill and Jamie and Murtagh trotted in behind us. Bree came running out to greet us, and flew into my arms as Murtagh dismounted and helped me down from the wagon. “Mama.” She cried, “I missed you.”  
“I missed you too.” I cried as I hugged her back tightly.

“Welcome home.” Jenny’s smile faded as she quickly noted the empty basket in Fergus’s hands, looking me up and down, before studying her brother.

“Dinna Fash.” Jamie whispered, “We had a little trouble on the way.” He informed her as he dismounted carefully and approached his sister. “The bairn wouldn’t settle unless we were riding on Donas.” He loosened the blanket and reviled he precious cargo inside. Jenny’s eyes beamed as she reached out to take the child from him….

“I wouldna do that…” Murtagh warned her as Elizabeth started screaming, and Murtagh, Claire and Fergus exchanged tired ‘not again’ looks.

“She screams if Milord isn’t holding her.” Fergus added taking the basket and blankets inside.

“Oh my.” Jenny looked at her brother, and the child now settling as it returned to his arms. She let out a chuckle as she covered her mouth to stifle it. “This could be interesting.” She said shaking her head. “Well come in. I have a warm bath waiting for ye Claire, I know how tough the trip can be and for the men Mrs Crook has a full breakfast waiting for ye in the kitchen.” Jenny stood aside so we could all enter the house and get settled, “Ian is in the fields but he will be back shortly.” She added, “Everything’s under control, just take your time to settle in.” Jenny ordered as she went about picking up the boots and jackets that were removed as we entered.

“Thank you.” I hugged her as she followed me upstairs, followed closely by Jamie.

“Don’t mention it. I’m just pleased that you are well.” Jenny put the fresh linen down on the bed, checked the temperature of the water and then stopped by Jamie as she went to leave. Jamie unswaddled Elizabeth and removed his own jacket and boots throwing them on the floor to Jenny’s disgust. “She a bonny lass Jamie.” Jenny congratulated him as she took Elizabeth’s tiny hand and welcomed her into the family. “What’s her name?”  
“Elizabeth Ellen MacKenzie Fraser.” Jamie introduced her, “But we’ve taken to calling her Em.”

“Well welcome to Lallybroch Elizabeth.” Jenny looked to me and smiled, “I’m sure you will be very happy here.”  
“I know she will.” I nodded affirmatively, “And thank you for watching over Bree.”

“That’s what family is for.” She shrugged it off as she left us to undress. Family. I thought to myself, looking at Jamie as he readied Elizabeth for a nappy change and a bath, and Bree who sat on the bed watching her new sister closely. It finally dawned on me that I had a family now, not just my own children, but a sister and brother in law, and a god father and adopted son. My children would have something I never had, siblings, cousins, grandparents. The thought made my heart melt as I sat back and watched the world around me and wondered if life could get any better than this? 

 

JAMMF

 

After we bathed and removed five days of dust and grim. Jamie escorted us downstairs for a quick bite to eat before we made our way out to the stables to check on Maise and her foal. I couldn’t believe how much she had grown in two months. The strong bone structure was clear and it was the spitting image of her father. I sat mesmerised as I watched the foal dancing around its mother as it trotted around the paddock and explored the environment. “She’s beautiful Jamie. You must be so proud.”  
“Aye.” He grinned, “I couldn’t have asked for a better result.” He agreed, “Hopefully we will have just as much luck next time Maise is in season.” 

“But how will you breed them without the English finding out?” I shuddered as I recalled what Jamie had said about their agreement. He was granted his freedom to work the estate for the English. Lallybroch’s profit, except those skimmed from the top that was, were to go to rebuilding the losses the British had suffered after Culloden. If Jamie was to breed his horses and raise his cattle to buy our freedom, he would have to do so without the English knowing or they would void their agreement and he could be taken back into custody for treason, Jenny, our family, our tenants thrown out and destitute. My stomach churned at the thought.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach. I have a plan.” He smiled trying to comfort me as I held Elizabeth in my arms, wrapped in Jamie’s shirt to keep her settled, Bree clinging to my side as she watched in awe at the foal jumping around.

“We always have a plan.” I reminded him.

“Aye, I ken. But this one will work.” He assured me, grabbing my shoulders as he turned me to face him. “Do ye remember Murtagh’s sister, Margaret?”  
“I know you’ve spoken of her.”  
“Aye well her son, Murtagh’s nephew, has some land in the low country. Murtagh has struck a deal with him. We’ll fatten the cattle up here in the highlands then send then down south to sell. They’ll not be able to trace them back to us.”  
“That’s an awful risk.” I thought aloud.

“Aye, Tis.” He nodded, trying to put a positive spin on it, “The English Captain isn’t a very conscientious man mo nighen donn. As long as he has the English’s gold and his belly is fed he does no see the need to inspect the lands as thoroughly as he should. He’ll never find them where we have them in the back paddock.”  
“And what about the horses? What if they try and take the foal for themselves?”  
“We have lookouts everywhere, we can hide them when the English come.”    

“You’ve got an answer for everything don’t you?” His Fraser blood was showing, he had set his mind to it, and I know I had agreed at first, but there would be no talking him out of it now. I let out a sigh of apprehension and smiled at him. “Damn you James Fraser.”

“You’ve no more questions then?” He baited me, “You’ll follow my lead?”  
“Aye Milord, I shall.” I curtseyed, shaking my head as he grinned with boyish enthusiasm.

“This could be our big break Sassenach. We could finally be free of the English, free to live our own lives.” He beamed as he picked Bree up and placed her on his hip, “So our children can be free also.”

“You’re right, I know you’re right.” I nodded.

“But?” He asked tentatively, sensing my hesitation.

“Just be careful. Things have a way of going terribly wrong when the English are concerned.”  
“Aye Sassenach, I ken that well.” He replied solemnly, but smiled for Bree’s sake. Bree leaned her forehead into his and they tapped heads for a moment, sharing their Fraser smiles before he leaned back and placed an arm around my shoulder. “Come mo nighean donn. Dinner shall be ready soon and I don’t know about you, but I’m ravenous.” He winked at me.


	16. Family

#  _Chapter 16: Family_

 

Over the next four weeks Lallybroch settled into a new routine. Jenny had found herself with child again while I was gone. Murtagh, Jamie and Ian focused on buying and fattening up as many heads of cattle as they could manage to get their hands on, while the other tenants saw to the oats and barley and other crops grown for the English. I found myself astounded that so long after the war, survivors, forced from their lands long ago, were still finding their way to the estate, where Jamie and Ian would find them lodgings in an old croft, once occupied by a tenant who hadn’t made it back, or in one of the newer crofts they had built in secret at the back of the property. They made it a point to never turn anyone away without just cause, and the extra hands in the fields were always welcome. The weather was getting warmer and the days longer as Spring turned into Summer and more often than not, Jamie and I slept in nothing but our own skin as the heat of the day kept the night air humid. Elizabeth was now ten weeks old and growing more and more each day.

“Sassenach.” Jamie was exuberantly cheerfully this fine morning, normally one to lay around in the morning and eager to act out on the thoughts that had filled his mind the night before, I awoke on this particular morning to find him already dressed and trying to wake me to do the same.

“What is it?” I asked still sleepy as I rubbed my eyes and tried to sit up.

“I want to show ye something. Will ye get dressed for me?”  
“What? Now?” I moaned still half asleep.  
“Aye. Now.” I looked around, the sun hadn’t even risen yet and the first hint of light was still an hour away. He threw my brush at me to comb my hair and set my clothes out at the end of the bed, including my thick cloak.

“Where are we going?” By the looks of it, it wasn’t anywhere close by.    
“You’ll see.” He whispered as he tightened his own jacket. “Quick, come.” He kissed me before quickly grabbing his boots as he went outside.

“Where are the girls?” I asked as I realised we were alone in the room.

“Jenny has them.” He whispered back as he returned with a small try containing bannocks and a jar of jam, “Are ye hungry?” He asked, spreading some jam on a bannock and placing it in my mouth before I could answer. His evasiveness was getting most frustrating.

“Mmm. Jamie, What on earth?” I took the bannock from my mouth so I could talk. He didn’t answer, he simply grabbed my underclothes and skirt and dressed me as quickly as he could before grabbing my cloak and escorting me downstairs. It wasn’t until we got to the stables that I realised what he was doing.

“You want to go for a ride? Now?” Was he mad? Surely this could wait for a more civilised hour? It was barely light enough to see the way.

“For once in ye life Claire, just do as I tell ye. Please.” He smiled as he led Maise, already saddled and bridle up to me, Donas following close behind. I couldn’t help but smile, it had been so long since we had ridden together, since I had ridden at all. I shook off my apprehension and grabbed the reigns.

“Lead the way _Master_.” I nodded in submission. He grabbed my chin and kissed me before helping me up onto the horse and mounting his own.

 

Together, we trotted off down the road, side by side as we held each other’s hands. It felt so good to be alone with him again. I didn’t even feel guilty at leaving my children behind. I knew Jenny would care for them well. We rode for a few miles before he turned off the road just past a tree that looked like it had been hit by lightening and onto a little known track. Whatever he had planned he seemed very pleased with himself as I followed his lead. Eventually we came across an old stone wall, in a corner of the estate that I hadn’t really seen before. Following Jamie in silence, he helped me off of my horse and led me up to a small thicket of bush. We made our way through it carefully, before emerging on the other side. “What do you think?” He finally asked me as we looked down out over the entire valley. It was a beautiful site as it was, but the orangey pink of the early morning sun coming over the hill in the distance made the site all the more magical.

“It’s amazing.” I answered speechless, “Why have you never shown me this before?”  
“I’m not sure really. It just guess that it never seemed the right time.”  It was clearly a special place to him. “I haven’t thought about it in ages.” He added.  
“What made you think about it now?”  
“I…. My mother, she used to bring me up here. Our secret place she called it, for dreamers like her and pa. Jenny and Willy, they were more practical, but ma called this our magical place, where dreams came true. We would come up here and make a wish and if you were lucky, the spirits would see fit to grant it to ye.”  
“What did you wish for?” I wondered.

“Silly things really. For a fine young horse, for adventure, for my ma….” He stopped sharply and I took his arm in support, I knew what he wished for, what any eight year old would wish for, to have his mother back. I had wished the same when I lost my own parents at first.

“What do you wish for now?” I wondered aloud. Watching him watch the sun rising over his ancestral lands.

“I wished for ye to return.” He smiled at me and pulled me closer to him, “twice.” He added softly.

“Well it must work then.” I assured him, “Cause here I am.” I kissed him, showing him that I was real.

“Aye, you are.” He kissed me back.

“What else?” I asked inquisitively.  
“That the bairn, both of them would be healthy.”

“Well I’m pretty sure they granted you that wish too.” I ran my hand down his arm, “What do you wish for now?”   
“I cannae tell ye.” He grinned sheepishly. “You mustn’t speak your wish aloud or it willna come true.”

“Surely you don’t believe that?” I teased him, he was after all more educated than most.

“Aye Sassenach I do. After all I wished for a fine young lady to call my own, and they gave me you.”

“Maybe they were granting my wish. Did you every think of that?” I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him closer to me, his head leaning down till his lips met mine.

“Ye wished to fall into the arms of a hapless beggar with a price on his head and no prospects? That would be a strange wish indeed Sassenach.”  
“Oh aye.” I teased him, “I wished to find my one true love, someone who would care for me and love me as fiercely as I loved him. Who would father my children and build us a fine house to live in.” I felt his skin flush as I flattered him, “I guess time will tell if my wish will come true after all. Do ye think men like that truly exist?” I continued, trying to mimic his accent.

“I dinnae like your chances Sassenach. I think ye may be stuck with me for some time.”

“Oh well.” I pulled away from him and started for the old rock wall behind us as I watched the orange and pink hues fill the sky, “I guess you’ll do for now.”  
“Do ye forget mo nighean donn.” He chased after me and grabbed my hand, pulling my body tightly against his as if to stop me from fleeing, “Ye are mine, now and forever.”  
“And you are mine.” I reminded him. I looked around, “You know.” I whispered seductively, “We are completely alone up here.”

“What do ye think the blankets for?” He winked at me again as he placed it on the ground.

“Why James Fraser. I’m a married woman.” I shied away,

“Aye, now get down here and let me perform my husbandly duties on ye wife or I’ll have to punish ye.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” I warned him, recalling his last attempt to punish me and how he had sworn on the edge of his dirk never to do it again.

“I promised I’d never raise a hand to ye, I never said I wouldn’t punish ye.” He winked at me as he pulled me down beside him, his hand reaching under my skirt as it made its way up my inner thigh. When he wasn’t overcome with unbridled lust, he always insisted on taking his time, exploring my needs first as he did now, his warm breath on my skin making my legs quiver as he darted in and out. For someone who had never been with a woman before his wedding night, he certainly knew all the right moves to make me submit to his every whim, at least while we were in bed.

 

JAMMF

 

“If ye hungry there are still a few bannocks left.” Jenny greeted us when we returned several hours later. It was almost noon and the heat of the day felt glorious against my skin. It was nice to feel warm again. I took the horses and brushed them down as Claire went inside to see to Elizabeth.  “Things went well I presume?” Jenny continued as she watched me from the stable entrance.

“Aye.” I grinned like a silly child, “Thank ye Jenny. You’re a kind woman and a man couldn’t ask for a better sister.”  
“Don’t be daft.” She shook her head, “I’m just glad to see you happy again mo gridah. Seeing you and Claire, it reminds me of mother and father.”  
“In what way?” I had been so young when ma had passed that in truth I had little memory of her.

“They loved each other as passionately as you love Claire, and she you. Mother would have called you soul mates.”  
“Aye.” I blushed, “I’m familiar with the term.”

“Don’t get me wrong brother, I love my husband and he I, but it’s different.” She bowed her head almost ashamed, “I’m almost jealous of ye.”  
“Dinna be foolish Janet.” She had a good life and a good husband, and Ian had looked after her far better than I had looked after Claire. “Ye dinnae ken what ye saying.”  
“Aye, I do.” Jenny looked her brother square on, “I always figured it was my job to look after ye, especially after mother died, and I was rightly jealous of her, an English woman, ye ken that well when ye first came, but she’s done right by you, she makes you a better person I can see that now. I may not always like that she has taken over the caring of ye, but I ken she will do it well. You’re a lucky man.”  
“I am.” I smiled well aware of the fact as I put aside the saddle and closed the gate, coming to stand in front of Jenny. I took her by the arm and kissed her on the forehead, “Dinna Fash Jenny. I’ll always be grateful for all you’ve done for me, for us, you’ll always be my first love.” 

“Now whose talking foolishness.” She blushed, but I knew she knew what I meant. “You’ll ken yourself one day, when your daughters find young men of their own and look to them to protect them instead of ye self.” She warned me half sarcastically, “It’s not an easy thing to be pushed aside, but if ye can trust the one that’ll replace ye then you can rest easy knowing they’ll be safe.”

“Och No. It’ll never happen.” I said as I pulled her closer to me and led us back towards the house.

“Ye don’t believe me?” Jenny raised her eyes, daring me to answer.  
“Oh it’s not that. It’s just.” The thought of Bree and Em growing up, marrying and oh god laying with a man as I lay with their mother. “I’ll send them to Uncle Alexander at the Abbey before I let that happen.” It would have to be an exceptional man indeed that would make me change my mind.   
“Don’t make me laugh mo gridah. You’ll have no more say in it than pa had with us.” She tormented me, elbowing me in the ribs.

“Just watch me.” I dared her as I escorted her into the house.


	17. A Farmers Lot

_Chapter 17: A Farmers Lot_

 

It was another fine Summer morning. Ian and Jamie were tending to the cattle, the lower fence had come down and it needed repairing before the cattle broke loose. I had followed Jamie and Ian down to the lower paddock with Young Jamie eager to get out of the house again. Fergus and Rabbie had been sent off to ride the rest of the boundary fences. The morning sun shone warmly on my back as I sat on the blanket, spread out in the meadow that overlooked where they were working. Elizabeth was enjoying rolling around on the soft tartan fabric, face up towards the sky she seemed to be laughing at the thin wispy clouds that formed overhead. Bree was nearby, dancing in the meadow and picking wild flowers as she talked to herself rambling on about someone asking her to a ball and giving herself the flowers she had picked, a scene replayed from her favourite story at the moment Cinderella. I watched Jamie and Ian arguing cordially as they struggled to replace the split post and I found myself delighting in simple pleasures. The sun on my face the sound of my children’s laughter, the mooing of the cows happy and healthy in their pasture. The knowledge that a split post was our biggest dilemma of the day and most of all, for the sight of my husband, content and at peace with himself. I rubbed Em’s belly as she looked at me and gurgled, I would never have met her if I never came back, if Frank had never betrayed my trust and if I had never read that fateful letter. How funny I thought to myself, how something as simple as opening a letter absentmindedly could change your whole life. What other daily events did we take for granted I wondered that could one day have major repercussions for those we knew and loved?

“Don’t go too far.” I called out as Bree began to spin around and around and further away from where I was sitting.

“Och… Blessed Michael…” Jamie cursed in Gaelic as he dropped the stump, shaking his hand just as Ian jumped backwards as best he could with one leg.

“Shall I get the…” Ian began, only to have his question cut short by a very irate Scottish glare.

“And let it beat me…. Never.” Jamie grinned determinedly at Ian, standing up straighter to reassess his options. I realised I myself had sat up, ready to race to his side and tend his injury. I relaxed myself and sank back onto my spot on the rug. I watched as Jamie got the stump back into position and Ian wound some new wire around the end of the existing fence line and stretched it out towards Jamie.

“Can I help?” I called out, putting the book I had brought with me aside as I watched them struggle further.

“Nay.” Jamie called out, shaking his head with a faint grin on his face, “Dinna Fash ye self Sassenach. We can manage.” I shook my head, stubborn Scot I thought to myself.

It took another two attempts and half an hour before they finally managed to secure the fence in place to keep the cattle from wandering onto the next property. Jamie and Ian had managed to secure over a hundred head of cattle at present and with so many cattle in one area it would be clear to anyone who cared to look, that they were here. Jamie had assured me that the owners of the neighbouring property were in on the deal, for a small percentage, and wouldn’t raise any alarms, but the thought that someone might find them always stayed with me. My thoughts were interrupted as Bree came rushing over, a fresh picked bunch of flowers in her hand as she sat beside her sister and tickled her stomach making her giggle while she waved the flowers in her face. Bree loved being a big sister, always entertaining Em with hand puppets and tickle sessions, rocking her when she cried and soothing her when she was restless.

I hadn’t noticed Jamie join us, too caught up in watching Bree and Em playing together, until I felt his hand on my shoulder. I looked up, his eyes meeting mine as we both shared a heartfelt smile. Watching our daughters laughing and enjoying life gave us both such an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment. We had fought so hard for them and right now, in this moment, any concern over the loses we had faced and the hardships we had endured melted away. Jamie squeezed my shoulder, his face beaming as he leaned down and kissed me on the lips. His lips lingered on mine a moment, trembling as he hesitated to break free. He grabbed my head as I grabbed his and we pulled each other closer, his tongue caressing mine as his fingers entwined themselves in my hair, and mine his.

“Hmmm.” Ian’s presence reminded us that we were not alone, and not a moment too soon. I opened my eyes, bright blue eyes staring back at me as Jamie grinned sheepishly pausing a moment before pulling back.

“Sorry.” I apologised as I straightened my bodice and tried to catch my breath.

“No need to apologise.” Ian grinned back at us as Jamie took a seat next to me on the rug and tickled Em’s chest, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. Jamie made a few funny faces at her and then picked her up to cradle her in his arms while Ian settled in beside us.

“Here Daddy.” Bree handed Jamie her bouquet of flowers she had picked.

“Thank you mo gradh.” Jamie smiled as though she was handing him the world. He took the flowers and then, sitting cross legged, Em on one hip, he scooped Bree up and rested her on the other. I opened up the basket of fresh bannocks and milk that Jenny had packed earlier that morning and handed them out to Jamie, Ian and the girls.

“How much longer until you can sell them?” I asked, once the men were fed and recovered from their mornings labour.

“They are fattening up nicely.” Jamie nodded, swallowing another mouthful,

“Aye.” Ian agreed.

“I think that we could start making plans to get them into the lowlands next month.” Jamie thought aloud, looking to Ian for confirmation, “The road should be dry so it will be an easy journey.”

“What about the patrols?” I had heard they were becoming more frequent, and I also knew that the warmer weather was likely to mean more people out on the road and more dragoons marching the highlands, as opposed to the wetter months where people tended to restrict their travels to only the most essential of journeys. Jamie gave me one of his smiles, trying to reassure me that everything was going to be all right.

“We have scouts out throughout the land.” He added, his smile clearly not achieving the desired outcome, “The English are due in the few weeks. They’ll head north for a bit after that, we’ll be able to head south without them noticing once they do.”

“What if they don’t?” I asked, looking more to Ian, who was the more realistic of the two of them. There was no sign that Ian disagreed with Jamie, or questioned the soundness of the plan.

“The English pride themselves on their routines Sassenach.” He winked at me, “They are as regular as clockwork. They will come in three weeks and then Ian the boys and I will drive the cattle down south.”  
“How long will you be gone.” Gone… I hadn’t realised exactly what that meant until I had said the words out loud. I hated it when Jamie wasn’t with me, but he was never gone for more than a day or two at the most. I knew this would be different. My heart sank a little at the thought of watching him leave.

“Shouldn’t be more than a week or two, by the time we drive the cattle down and arrange to sell them at the market. Three at the most. Murtagh should have everything organised by the time that we arrive.”

“Three?” I hadn’t meant to repeat this out loud, but my tone was unmistakable. I saw a flash of something in Jamie’s eyes, guilt? hurt? reluctance? I knew he would feel our separation as strongly as I did.

“It must be done.” He assured me, jostling Bree on his knee as he looked away from my gaze, “For our future.” He added looking at her as she nibbled on her bannock.

“I’ll watch his back.” Ian promised, “You’ve no fear of that Claire.”  
“Oh I know.” I felt ashamed, wishing Jamie could stay and send Ian without him. Ian and Jenny had just as much if not more to lose than we did. “And I’m grateful for it.” I thanked him.

“Aye.” Jamie nodded, accepting a piece of bannock from Bree and eating it as she placed it in his mouth. “It’ll be all right mo nighean donn. Besides.” He winked at me, “Someone has to keep Ian out of trouble, Jenny would never forgive me if anything happened to him.”

“No.” I added trying to quell my fears, “I dare say she wouldn’t.”

“Speaking of which.” Ian made his way to his feet, “She’ll be looking for us. Best make our way back to the house.” He said, dusting of his breeches and finding his balance.

“Aye.” Jamie took one last sip from his cup and placed it back on the rug by the plate of bannocks and cheese. “Be a good girl Bree and help your ma while Uncle Ian and I finish up with the cattle.” He said as he lifted her back up onto her feet, brushing the crumbs from her skirt.

“Yes daddy.” Bree nodded back to him as he kissed Em on the forehead and returned her back to my arms.

“It’ll be all right Sassenach.” He whispered taking my chin in his warm callused hands and kissing me quickly. “There’s nothing on heaven or earth that could keep me from you.” He winked, “And ye ken that well.”

“I’ll hold you to that James Fraser.”

“Always.” He said, bowing to kiss me on the forehead before taking his leave.

 

JAMMF

 

Claire was worried, I ken it well and there was little I could do to ease her thoughts. I didn’t want to leave her any more than she wanted me to go but there was little choice in the matter. It would be too risky to bring her with me, and we couldn’t leave the bairns behind for such a long period of time. Bree might be all right but Em was still too young to be without her mother for more than a day. Better she and the bairns be safe at Lallybroch in case anything should happen. I could handle anything if I knew that she and the bairns were safe.

As I picked up the fencing tools we had brought with them us and placed them in the back of the wagon, I thought I heard the faint sound of horses coming from the East. I couldn’t see anything at first, the sound was barely audible atop the morning breeze and the sounds of the cattle nearby.    

“That’ll be young Jamie and the boys.” Ian looked up, sensing it too. He nodded, giving the stump one last kick to make sure it was secure. I looked back across the field, Bree was picking up the food basket as Claire shook the dirt from the blanket and began folding it up. God I had an urgent need for her so badly, I had almost forgotten that we weren’t alone before and it had left me with an urgent longing that needed to be quenched and soon. With our work almost completed, I was tempted to send the girls back with Ian on the wagon, but on the other hand I didn’t want to be seen as being overly keen and ignoring my responsibilities just to spend time with my wife. Watching the morning light highlight the auburn streaks in her hair, I found myself swallowing hard and trying to focus my thoughts as I watched her from afar. It was going to be a long day.

 

Too many years spent looking over my shoulder and running from those who would mean me harm had left me with a sixth sense. My instincts told me to look up, and as I did I could make out the faint image of three riders on the horizon. It wasn’t common for travellers to appear from the west but they usually came from the east, through the pass. As the intruders got closer my mind raced as I could see that there were not three but four of them. I felt his skin tighten as I looked around, my sword was over by the wagon where I had taken it off so it wouldn’t get in the way while I worked. Checking my belt I was glad to find that my dirk however was still strapped securely to my hip.

 

“Ian.” I whispered, reaching for a stray log nearby.

“Mmm?” He mumbled, packing the last of the dirt around the stump as he looked up.

“We have company.” The tone is my voice signalling that whoever it was they weren’t familiar.

“Who do you think they are?” Ian asked as I handed him the thick log and glanced back over his shoulder towards them. “It doesna look like the boys.”

“I dinna ken.” He felt himself stiffen up, “When I say so, grab Claire and the bairns and run as fast as you’re able on the wagon back to the house. I’ll hold them off as long as I can.” I nodded, it wasn’t a great plan but there was no other choice.

“NO!” Ian shook his head, “I won’t leave you alone.”  
“Please Ian. I need you to see that my wife and bairns are safe.” I urged as I shot him a warning look, there would be no argument. Ian nodded, orders received, and took up a stance on my left. There was no time to call out, to warn Claire. I hoped that she would look up in time and get the bairns safe and that she wouldn’t do anything foolish in the process, or anything more foolish than normal.

 

 

JAMMF

 

“That’s it Bree.” I watched as she carefully packed all the food and cups into the basket and with two small hands had lifted it up hands raised so that her elbows stuck out by her chest. She was struggling to keep it off the ground as she made her way to the wagon. I tried to take it from her, but she had stubbornly refused.

“I can do it mama.” She insisted with a smile of immense pride and satisfaction on her face.

“I know you can.” I assured her, stepping back as she tried twice to reach up into the back of the wagon. “It’s just that sometimes it’s nice to have some help as well.”  
“Well then.” Bree considered this, after her third attempt, “I suppose you can help me put it in the wagon. I did the hard part already.” She grinned.

“Indeed you did my darling.” I smiled back, seeing more of her father’s stubbornness and charm in her than I would have liked. Heaven help the man who came to court her when the time came I thought to myself.

I looked across to her father, to see if Jamie was almost ready to head back and my heart froze. I had seen him in battle often enough to see the tell tale signs, the rigid back, the stance of his feet slightly apart bracing for impact and the distant stare. “Come.” I said reaching out to take Bree’s hand. “I need you to do something for me.” I said pulling her closer to the wagon. I threw the blanket in the back of the tray and noticed the gleam of the sun off of the iron blade. “Christ.”  
“What’s wrong mummy?” Bree asked worried.

“Nothing darling. We’re going to play a game.”

“Is daddy playing too?” She asked.

“Yes.” I closed my eyes a moment, “Daddy’s playing too.” I picked her up and placed her in the back of the wagon under the front bench. “I need you to stay nice and quiet for me.” I said, taking off my coat and bundling Em in it beside her. “I need you to keep Em quiet too.” I added.

“Are we hiding?” She asked, as I prayed she wouldn’t ask too many more questions.   
“Yes mo gradh. We’re hiding from Daddy. He’s going to come look for us.”  
“But where will you hide?” She asked as I noticed the short distance between Jamie and our guests. I needed her to hide and fast, but I couldn’t panic her.  
“Mummy can’t fit there so I’m going to hide under the wagon.” I said, motioning for her to stay quiet as I placed the blanket over them. “Don’t move till Daddy finds you.” I whispered, reaching for Jamie’s sword.  With no time to join Jamie at his side, I hid the sword in the folds of my skirt and stood by the wagon looking as innocent as possible.

 

JAMMF

 

“Thank Christ.” I whispered, glancing over my shoulder as quickly as possible. Claire had the bairns safe and was watching closely. She would be ready to make her move when I signalled to Ian.

“What are we going to do?” Ian asked me as the men came into view. Their horses looking as ragged and dishevelled as they did.

“They look like beggars. Living off the land. Probably driven off of their lands by the English.” I thought aloud, just the kind of people who you would expect to finding raiding your cattle in the middle of the night or committing highway robbery.

“They’ve seen the cattle Jamie.” Ian panicked, “What if they tell someone?”  
“I’d be more worried about them coming back later to take them for themselves. Maybe we can buy their silence?” I began, dismissing the notion as soon as I’d said it, we had little of value to give them that would be worth leaving the cattle alone.  
“With what? The English have taken everything. We’ve nothing left.” He reminded me, reflecting my own thoughts.

I thought of Claire and the bairns in the wagon, of Jenny and my nieces and nephews back at the house. “I’ll think of something.” I told him, but I knew deep down that if they couldn’t be trusted there was too much at stake. I couldn’t let them leave Lallybroch.

“They’ll hang you if they find out.” Ian warned me, knowing my mind well.

“Whose going to tell them?” He didn’t respond, his breath frozen as the horses pulled up in front of us and the lead rider dismounted and walked over towards us.

“Good morning.” He began, holding out a hand of friendship.

“Good morning.” Ian smiled back, his arm instinctively going for the non existent sword at his side.

“Is this your land?” He inquired. “It’s a beautiful place. What do you call it?”  
“Nay.” Jamie shook his head, sizing the other three up. “We’re just tenants; the master is around somewhere though. Doesn’t like to get his hands dirty that one.”

“Aye. I ken the type.” He grinned back at me looking around keenly, “Too busy getting fat ad rich while the rest of us work our hands of the bone and for what?” He asked, a tone of resentment in his voice, “So he can call us a traitor and send us on our way with nothing but what’s on our backs.”

“You from around here then?” I asked, as I watched the other three size up the wagon, and the woman who stood beside it. Claire, he was staring at Claire. My right hand was twitching at my side.

“Not so much.” He replied, walking around Ian and taking a look at the new fence, “We are what you might call in between places at the moment.” He spoke slyly, “Looks like you’ve had a bit of trouble here.”

“Aye. Nothing we can’t handle.”

“Them’s some fine cattle your Laird has. Would be a shame if one or two were to go missing.” He was standing in front of me now, standing tall trying to give off an air of intimidation.

“It would indeed. The laird keeps a keen eye on his stock. There will be hell to pay if we don’t get them all back in the paddock before he notices.”  
“Maybe we can help.” He looked back at his companions, “Old Jack here is a stockman. He could look for your strays, in return maybe you could see your way to letting us have one or two?”  
“I’m afraid I couldna do that.” I looked to Ian, who clearly disagreed.

“That’s a shame.” The lead rider nodded regretfully, “Sees we havna had a decent meal in days.” He continued, “We would be mightily obliged to ye if ye would do a fellow man a hand.”

“Maybe one.” Ian butted in, ignoring my gesture for caution. I could feel the power shifting from us to them.

“O would ye?” He smiled, “We would be most grateful.”  He motioned for his men to get off of their mounts and join him.

Jamie began to feel outnumbered and more than a little uneasy. Ian noticed it too. The three men spread out before them in a wide semi circle as their leader stood before them. “Fine. Ye may take one beast with ye, but ye best be on your way before the Laird returns. If he catches you…” I warned them, trying to get them to lower their guard.  
“Oh, I don’t think there will be any worry of that.” The lead rider cut me off, “But where are my manners?” He diverted the conversation, “Who is that lovely woman over by the wagon?”

“Let’s leave her out of this.” I urged them, the look in his eye betraying his lustful intentions. “Just take your cattle and go.”  
“There’s no need to be rude.” He said, beginning to make his way over to the wagon, “She seems a bonny lass. Is she yours?”  
“Aye.” I felt my blood boil, and the warning look from Ian was unmistakable. It was two on two at best, Ian was fine in a fight but he would be no match for these men and Claire… god what was she doing? She was walking over to us, away from the wagon. What was she thinking. I wanted to scream out to her, to tell her to take the wagon and run. These men were up to no good, I could smell it on them. I could take out one quickly, leaving Ian to take out the other while I tended to their leader and the fourth man. With any luck I could take them all out before they laid a hand on her.

“Hello, I’m Claire.” She handed out a hand to the leader who eyed her slowly up and down as she made her way across the field.

“Claire?” He replied, an uneasy hesitation in his reply, “English? A Sassenach?” The leader looked back towards me, curious. “And she’s yours?”  
“Aye.” I quickened my pace reaching her side as quick as possible. The lead rider assessed the situation, his curiosity peaked as Claire stood by me, reaching her hand behind my waist, as I reached mine around hers and drew her in close. Passing the sword between us discreetly.

“French really.” She corrected him, I hated having her in danger but she had given us a slight advantage. “And you are?” She asked distracting them.  
“My apologies mam.” He bowed, “My name is Alex and these are my companions Jacob, Duncan and Peter.”  
“You’ve come a long way by the looks of you.” She continued, her hands were trembling slightly but she was holding her own. She always did.

“Aye.” I took over the conversation, “And they’ve a long way to go yet. They were just about to take one of the Laird’s cattle. After all we can’t let them starve.”  
“Of course not.” Claire nodded towards Ian, “But the Laird will be back soon. It’s almost noon and you know how he gets.”

“We don’t mean to be any bother Mistress.” He apologised, stepping a bit closer as I tightened my grip around her waist ready to throw her behind me if need be. “Are you sure we can’t lend a hand in return for your generosity? It is _just_ the three of you after all isn’t it?”

“We are all done here.” I responded, “We’ve other fences to be mended and a new roof to put on the croft or will be swimming in our beds when the weather turns again.”

“Aye. Well.” The lead rider held out his hand to shake mine in gratitude. Cautiously, I took the extended hand and shook it back.

“There’s an old croft, abandoned now about 10 mile back the way you came if you’re looking for somewhere warm to stay tonight.” I suggested, wanting to know where they were headed.  
“I thank ye.” Alex began, “But we won’t be needing that.” Nodding to his companions he reached out to take Claire by the wrist, my hand pulling hers back first so that he grabbed mine instead, “Ye no fool I can see that. Now leave us the woman and I’ll let ye go quick, but we both knows how this is going to end.”

“Never.” I stared him down, pushing Claire behind me. There was no question about it now, their fate was sealed.

 

JAMMF

 

Jamie felt his right hand, around Claire’s waist tightening on the hilt of the blade as it rested in his hand by her skirt. With one action, he lifted his left arm, still tightly gripped by the lead rider, Alex, and with his hand on her right hip, pushed Claire underneath and past him till she was standing on his left. His right side clear he raised his sword on the return swing and caught Alex unawares across his left shoulder. Alex released Jamie’s hand as he reached to grab his injured arm, Jamie took the opportunity to grab his dirk and threw it to Claire. She caught it and held it out, ready to defend herself. Alex was no novice in a knife fight and he regained his composure and lunged back towards Jamie. Jamie made sure to keep himself between Alex and Claire at all times, Jamie prayed that Ian could hold his own against the other two, who were clearly less skilled. The sight of Jacob coming to defend Alex came as a welcome relief, with Ian’s chance of surviving improving. “Sassenach?” Jamie called out concerned, unable to see her for himself.

“I’m all right.” She called back, looking towards Ian. He was on the ground, Peter had tried to take him from above and found himself connecting with the timber Jamie had given him instead. Peter stumbled but he regained himself quickly. Ian struggled to get up, unable to steady himself on his wooden leg as Peter, not so encumbered, shook off the blow to his head and the blood pouring down the side of his face and readied himself to retaliate. “Ian.” Claire called out, throwing him the dirk as he looked towards her. She felt Jamie reaching out for her with his left hand and she grabbed his wrist to let him know she was there. Pulling her tight behind him, he continued to slash at his assailant with his sword in his right hand.

“You’ve made a big mistake.” Alex warned him as he matched Jamie blow for blow, “We only wanted your cattle and we should have let the lady live, once we had taken our pleasure but now…”  
“You’ll no touch her and it will be you who has made the mistake.” Jamie retorted, “You’ve no idea who you are fighting with.” He took the first out with a sword blow to the back of the knees.  
“I ken ye well…. Red Jamie….” Alex laughed, “Your lassie and your one legged friend are no match for us and you can’t take all four of us on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Jamie remarked, slowly edging Claire into position closer to the wagon. He squeezed her hand, still held firmly in his, “NO” he heard her whisper. “Ian?” He called out unable to take his eyes off of the two before him.

“Behind ye.” Ian replied as Claire looked over to see a body lying in the grass on the ground. He took up a position beside Jamie, dirk raised. It was two on two now. Jamie squeezed her hand again but as she went to protest, she saw the blanket move and Claire knew she had no choice. Jamie saw it too and she heard the panic in his voice as he yelled “Go.” And pushed her away from him.

 

Claire was halfway to the wagon before Alex and his companions realised what was happening. She climbed up hastily and grabbed the reigns as she yelled for the old stubborn mule to take off at speed. Claire heard Bree cry as she called out ‘Ma?”, terrified of what was going on as she peeked out of her hiding space. Em was screaming and her heart was pounding.   

 

Jamie tried to shield her as best he could, but Ian couldn’t follow his quick manoeuvres and he didn’t want to leave him unguarded. He prayed that she would make it, that she could get to the house and alert the others. He heard her scream at the mule to go, but he also knew that the mule had a mind of its own and he prayed that today it would follow its commands without question. Then there was the stomach churning cry of Bree calling for her mother and Em wailing in fright. Momentarily distracted as he looked to see if they were all right, Jamie felt a piercing blow to his side and it knocked him flat on the ground. His head bounced off of the dirt and he looked up to see the crazed eyes of Alex, arm raised ready to deliver the final blow.    

 

Searching for his sword which had fallen out of his hand, he was stunned to see the sight of Alex knocked off balance after colliding with the large brown horse, and he braced himself trying to get out of the way before he landed. Without hesitation, Jamie rolled over, grabbed his sword and drove it through Alex’s chest, killing him instantly. His companion, startled by the event, stepped right into Ian’s waiting dirk and joined him shortly after. Spinning around to see what had happened, Jamie felt a sense of relief.

 

JAMMF

 

“Are you all right Milord?”

“I am now, thank you Fergus.” I nodded as I handed the sword to Fergus to guard our recently deceased companions while I hastily made my way swiftly over to the wagon. I could see Rabbie beside the wagon on his mount, holding the reigns as Claire reached over the side. She threw back the blanket as reached under the seat to grab Em who was red from crying, as I simultaneously approached and grabbed Bree who flung herself around my neck and held on for dear life.

“Sssh mo gradh.” I whispered stroking her hair as she cried into my shoulder, “You’re all right.” Speaking the words as much for Bree as for Claire. I looked into her eyes, which were looking back intensely into mine with a mixture of fear and relief. “You’re all right?” I said as much as asked, looking at Em.

“She’s all right. Just a little frightened is all.” Claire confirmed, I could see the fear rise in her own body now that it was all over. She held Em close to her own chest, her hand reaching out to find mine as we held each other and our children tightly.

“Milord?” Fergus called out, wanting to know what had happened.

“Cattle raid.” I explained, trying to shield Bree from the sight by facing her away from the scene behind us.

“Do you think there’s more?” Claire asked concerned, looking out into the bush around us.

“Hard to say but I don’t think so.” I shrugged, “Still, these are hard times and we best be careful.” I looked to Ian. “We best hide the….” I stopped himself, not wanting to frighten Bree, “Clean up here and make haste to move the cattle before anyone else gets the same idea.”

“Aye.” Ian, flanked by young Jamie agreed.  
“But I thought you said we needed to wait until after the English have been.” Claire’s tone betraying the uneasy sinking feeling in her stomach.

“We can hide them by the old McInnes croft on Duncan’s land. I’ll speak to him about keeping them there for a week or two.”  
“And in the meantime?” Fergus asked concerned,

“We will post men out on the boundaries, day and night.” I said, holding my daughter close in my arms as she started to settle. “Take the girls back to the house Claire.” I whispered, “Let Jenny know what has happened.”

“Da.” Bree held me tighter, sensing I was about to let go.

“I need to stay here and help Uncle Ian.” I whispered, “But I’ll be back for supper.”

“You promise?” Bree asked, trying to judge my sincerity.  

“I promise.” I replied, noting the same look of hesitation in Claire’s eyes.

“I will take them Milord.” Fergus stepped forward, as I began to pass Bree over to him. She resisted but I whispered a promise in her ear that and she reluctantly did as she was told.

“Go straight to the house Fergus. Don’t stop for anything.” I warned him, wishing I could go with them.  
“Do not worry Milord. They are safe with me.” He promised.  
“I know.” I knew they were safe and as much as it pained me to watch them leave I knew I had work to do. If the English ever found the bodies we would all hang for sure.


	18. Safe

_Chapter 18: Safe_

 

“How are they?” Was Jamie’s first question as he came through the front door two hours later. It was late afternoon and Jenny had the children safe in the house playing in the parlour but he couldn’t find Bree among them.

“They’re fine.” Jenny assured him taking his coat and placing it on the chair by the door. He knew this day would come eventually, that the English or someone else would punch a hole in the idealic paradise they had built here. They couldn’t stay hidden from the outside world forever, but he had never envisioned his children being caught in the firing line. The thought sent shudders through his bones and made his skin crawl. “They’re upstairs.” She advised him.

“Thank you.” He took his sister by the arms and held her tight, “Thank you.” He said again. For everything she had done for them and more. With four children of her own and another on the way she had her hands full as it was but she was always there when he needed her.

“Milord.” Fergus joined them as he entered the house moment later, “Is it done?”

“Yes Fergus. It is done.” He assured him.

“I looked after them for you. Milady gave the Mistress Bree something to help her sleep.” Fergus recounted as Jamie made his way upstairs, “Can I get you anything Milord?”

“No Fergus.” He paused, noting the ungrateful tone in his reply. “But Ian and the others will be needing a dram after they have finished in the stables I’d appreciate it if you would see to them for me.”

“Yes Milord.” He bowed before heading for the stables to help them.

Jamie made his way upstairs, each step feeling like one too many as his breath caught in his chest and he thought of all the ways that things could have gone wrong. What if they’d had a gun? What if Bree or Em had been injured. What if Fergus hadn’t arrived when he did? As he opened the door slowly he felt is hand tremble a little on the doorknob. The first thing he saw was the fireplace, lit against the chill in the air and casting a soft amber glow across the room. In the basket at the end of the bed, Em lay on her back, her hands waving around trying to catch the air as she reached out to the ceiling, no sign of distress from the mornings events. He felt his burden lighten as his heart slowed and found it’s own natural beat again.

“SShh.” Claire was laying on the bed, resting on her right side with her hand propping up under her head. In front of her, a smaller bundle, wrapped in the quilt and fast asleep. Claire was stroking her back soothing her as she dreamt.

“Blessed Michael.” He began, his hand over his mouth as he prayed, “Is she hurt?”  
“No.” Claire shook her head and smiled at him, “Just asleep.” She whispered, reaching out her hand for him to join her. He sat down gently on the bed and took her hand in his, softly caressing each finger as he held her close again. Placing Bree safely between them, Jamie sat there watching her chest rise and fall, her lip curling and her nose twitching as she breathed in and out and dreamed pleasant memories. “She’ll be all right.” Claire whispered after a while, stroking his cheek and his chin as he tried to hide the pain in his eyes.

“If anything…..” Jamie stuttered, his words caught in his throat.

“I know.” Claire smiled, “She didn’t see anything.” She added, answering an unspoken question. “After she wakes I doubt it will be more than a faint memory.”  
“How can you be so sure?” He asked, still feeling guilty for not protecting her better.

“Once when she was two, we were playing in the yard and the phone rang, you remember I told you about phones?”  
“Aye.” He nodded.

“Well.” She continued, “I barely turned my back for a second and when I turned back she was gone. I couldn’t find her anywhere.” The memory was still so raw as Claire recalled the terror she felt, fresh as the moment it was born, “I looked everywhere for her, I was frantic and I guess I started screaming as the neighbours all came out to see what was happening. We must have looked up and down that street for over an hour before someone called out that they had found her.”  
“Where was she?” He asked, trying to imagine the scene.

“Two doors down, playing under the house with the neighbour’s cat.”  

“Hmm.” Jamie stroked Bree’s back and played with her hair, “Was she scared?”  
“At first. She was howling and crying and holding me tight and I was beside myself with fear and worry.”  
“She must have been so worried.”

“She was.” Claire looked at her, “But after a day or two, some ice cream and a new doll she hardly recalled the experience. In fact, I think it stayed with me much longer than it stayed with her.”  
“I don’t know how you do it.” He shook as his barriers slowly came down and the nervous tension found its release, “All I want to do is keep them with me, keep them safe and when they’re not with me….”

“You worry about all the things that can go wrong.” She smiled, “Welcome to parenthood, and being the wife of a Fraser.” She added smiling at him.

“And the husband of one.” He smiled back, then laughed a little.

“What?” She asked, seeing his face change so dramatically from fear to joy.  
“She wouldn’t stay put huh?” He looked at Claire and then at Bree. “I wonder where she gets that from?” Almost instantly, the longing he had felt in the field returned to him and he felt his shoulders relax and his breath slow.

“Well she looks like you, I guess she had to get something form me.” Claire felt it too. Tracing her fingers over his lips, she let them hover, his warm breath tingling the tips as he drew them into his mouth. She reached her foot out and entangled it around his as they stared at each other across the bed.

 

JAMMF

 

“She won’t wake.” I reminded him, “Not for another hour or two.” The sedative I gave her would keep the most stubborn of Scots fast asleep. Taking my meaning, Jamie winked at me, kissed my hand and sat up slowly. He gathered Bree up in his arms and walked her slowly over to the pallet bed by the fire in the corner of the room. Lowering her gently onto it, he pulled the spare blanket up over her to tuck her in and brushed the hair from her face. He watched her a moment, then stepped softly backwards turning around to stare at me, waiting impatiently on the bed. It was still the middle of the day, but the other members of the household were busy tending to chores left undone by the mornings events and I was certain we had little chance of being interrupted.

Jamie hastily took his belt off as he approached the end of the bed, hitching up his kilt as he crawled towards me, pinning me underneath him in a matter of moments. There was an urgency in both of us as he undid my corset and played with the nipples of my breast, his tongue caressing them to the point of ecstasy. I tried not to scream out, to risk waking the children but as he kissed his way down towards my belly I felt the intense tingling all over. “Jamie.” I whispered, “Christ….”

“Not yet Sassenach.” He smiled reaching his hands down between my thighs, pushing my skirt out of the way as his fingers moved further north. His lips followed soon after, his hands still on my breasts as his breath warmed my already moist skin. I grabbed the sheets in my hand, holding on as I bit my lip to stop from screaming out. I cursed Jamie, he knew the dilemma I was in and drew me fervently closer, daring me to cry out. My back arched, betraying me as he grabbed my hips and pulled me closer, enabling him to go deeper. “Christ” I cried out again and felt his lips curl as they pressed against my skin. I reached out and grabbed a fistful of his curly red hair, lifting his head slightly. “Now!”

“No.” He continued and within moments I felt my body shudder uncontrollably. Completely spent I rested a moment, exhausted as he kissed his way back towards my chest, a giddy prideful grin on his face.

“You’ll pay for that.” I warned him as he kissed my lips and brushed my ragged hair from my face.

“I’m not finished yet.” He threatened me, lifting my skirt as he thrust himself inside of me. My body shuddered again as he moved ever so slowly inside of me, teasing what was to come. Pleased with himself he brought me to spasm over and over again until he had no more left in him, then collapsing on the bed beside me, grinned and stared into my eyes with even more longing. “Christ Sassenach.” He chuckled, “I could die happy right now.” He informed me. “Do you think anyone has ever died from wanting a lass too much do ye think?”

“I don’t think so.” I smiled at him, taking his hand in mind, “But if you don’t rest a moment we might find out.”


	19. A Promise Kept

** Chapter 19: A Promise Kept **

“Da, da?” The light had barely begun to fill the room as the soft voice rose me from my dream. I was standing in a field, by a church, so very long ago as the sun shone over the most magnificent sight I had ever seen. The vision so emotionally powerful that it was seared into my memory. The woman I loved, who I had watched from afar, had felt the overwhelming urge to keep close and to protect was before me. Her long silver dress flowing in the gentle breeze as she prepared to take my hand in marriage. I had thought then that I could never be happier even if I lived a thousand years, but I had been wrong. There had been many moments since that day where time stopped and my heart skipped a beat, feeling Faith kick for the first time, holding Claire in my arms after a long days work, the moment when she chose to stay after the witch trials. The day she returned with Bree to live by my side and when I first held her in my arms again after Elizabeth was born and they were both safe and well. Each day was a blessing and a promise of happiness to come.

“Da?” She shook me again impatiently as I pretended to be asleep. “Da?” She whispered, changing tactic as I felt her tiny fingers move from my shoulder to my ear. She tugged it gently then moved her hand forward, grabbing my lashes and lifting my eyelids. “Da?” She said once more, slightly louder.   

“Mmm.” I groaned in play.

“It’s morning Da.” She whispered, leaning over me to look me in the eye.

“So it is.” I grinned.

“You promised da.” She reminded me as I heard a frustrated humph from her. “Please da.”

“What’s the matter?” Claire, still half asleep beside me moaned. She had watched over them most of the night as I had.

“Da promised to….”  
“All right all right.” I stopped her. I knew Claire’s thoughts on the matter and I didn’t want to darken the mornings mood. “First we eat.” I told her.

“What are you up to?” Claire asked me, eyeing me suspiciously,

“Nothing.” I grinned back unconvincingly. She shook her head, smiled and went back to sleep. Bree was already half way out of the door before I had even gotten to my feet or had a chance to reach for my kilt.

“Jamie, be careful.” Claire called out as I entered the hall, leaving her and Em to sleep a little longer.

“Dina fash Sassenach. She’ll be safe I promise.” I bowed to her, swearing an oath. She smiled. Claire had once said that we were as bad as each other, that Bree and I had an adventurous spirit, which often led us into trouble more than it got us out of it. I had tried to argue the point with her, but found myself proving her right more often than not.

 

JAMMF

“Here” I said tossing Bree a bannock from the basket in the kitchen as we made our way out the back door towards the stables. “Eat up. You’ll need your strength.”

“So I can be big and strong like you?” She looked up at me, proudly.

“Aye.” I nodded feeling rather shy, “Give us a look at your muscles.” I said, reaching out to take her by the upper arm.

She grinned, flexed her arm and nodded. “What do ye think da?”

“Aye. They’ll do.” I assured her as we stepped outside into the morning light.

“Can I ride your horse da?” She asked, racing up to feed him an apple from the barrel.  
“No. Donas is too wild a beast for ye. I have another horse in mind for ye.” I had purchased it ten days ago while on a nearby trading expedition with a fellow highlander. It was still a young beast, no more than 18 months but it had been well broken in and was of a gentile nature. I had made sure that there was no risk to Bree, having Fergus and young Jamie put the horse through its paces and was pleased to find it was quite possibly the most docile and laziest horse I had ever seen. I had meant to give it to her on her birthday, once I had to time purchase a new saddle and reigns and, I thought more importantly, that I had convinced Claire that it was a good idea, but I had promised her yesterday in the field that I would teach her to ride if she would be a brave lass and see her mother safe. 

“The foal?” She asked, half tentative half excited “But ye said he hasna been trained yet.” She questioned me as I took the spare set of reigns and fastened them over the foals face.    
“Aye well.” I nodded, “I may have told a wee fib. Fergus has been training him for ye, and a braw job he’s done of it too but ye are right lass. She isna ready just yet. That’s why I brought this horse for ye.”  
“For me?” She asked, her face beaming as she reached out to take the reins. “I thought ye said I wasn’t to be ridden.”   

“Well that was before.” I smiled at her, checking the saddle was sufficiently secured. “But I figure a brave lass like you should have a horse of her own and since the wee foal is too young just now, I guess ye can learn to ride on this one for a time.”  
“She’s mine?” Bree squealed, hugging me tightly around the waist. I felt a strange sense of pride, like I had won a challenge I didn’t know I was taking. “She’s real braw da. Thank you.”  
“Aye. Well.” I found the words escaping me. “Mind ye never take her out on ye own, and ye must pass all ye lessons first.”  
“Yes I promise.” She smiled as I lifted her up into the saddle. Suddenly my heart sank and my hands rested on her waist keenly aware that as soon as I let go she would be completely on her own. I began to question if Claire wasn’t right after all? “I can do it da” She informed me, comforting me as she sat up eager to begin her first lesson.

“I dinnae doubt it.” I said, prying my fingers loose and taking the reins. Why I cursed myself, why hadn’t I waited for Fergus or Young Jamie to be awake so they could walk beside her just in case. I led the horse slowly out of the stall and into the yard, moving ever so slowly so she could find her rhythm. Bree was almost seven and it was true I had been just past five when I had first learned to ride. She was tall for her age, and that helped in that she could reach the stirrups with ease but still, my heart raced and my hands glistened with sweat. 

“Faster da.” She urged me.

“No.” I shook my head, “Ye must learn to be one with your horse. Read each other’s thoughts before you race through the fields.”

“What do ye mean da?” She looked at me curious.

“The horse must know you, ye ken. Be able to sense when you want to stop, to go left or right. Sense when you need it to take care and when there is danger.” We reached the end of the stable yards and were half way down the main entrance to Lallybroch, I turned the horse around slowly and headed back from whence we’d came. “If you take care of the horse, your horse will take care of you.”  
“Like you and Donas?”  
“Aye. Wee beast has saved my neck more than once.” I recalled pleasantly. He was like a dear friend to me.

“Ma says you’re the finest horseman she’s ever seen.” She said innocently, beaming with pride as she patted the horses mane and sides while she road.   
“She does, does she?”

“That you can ride a horse without holding onto the reins even.”  
“Aye, well that’s a trick I’ll not be teaching you till you’re at least three and twenty.” I informed her strongly, suddenly conscious of just how much she would be watching me when I rode, not wanting to give her any ideas. We were almost back at the stables, our first lap nearly complete as Bree sat tall and proud on her horse. With little instruction, she found her rhythm with the horse and was becoming more confident with every stride, Claire was right, she was a natural born highlander. “Master sitting in the saddle and I’ll teach ye a few commands.” I promised her.

“JAMIE!” Her voice echoed from the windows above down to the cobbles on the ground below and out into the woods. Bree looked at me and I at her, sharing a conspiratorial smile.

“Ma doesn’t sound happy.” Bree said as we stood in the stable yard, Bree still on her horse.

“Aye.” I nodded fully aware of the wrath I was about to face, “You leave her to me.” I promised her as I lifted her out of the saddle and back onto the ground.

“Good luck da.” She hugged me as she ran off to clean up before breakfast. “And thanks for my horse. She’s beautiful.”

 

JAMMF

 

“JAMES ALEXANDER MALCOLM MACKENZIE FRASER!” She shouted each word slowly making sure I couldn’t misread that her anger was directed at me as she made her way through the front yard towards the stables.  

“Now look Claire.” I began softly, my hands up in surrender.

“Not a word.” She warned me, pacing back and forth as her hand twitched at her side.

“I know what you’re going to say…”  
“Ughh.” She stopped me again before I could continue. “How could you, we agreed. Not for another year or so. It’s too dangerous.”

“Aye, and I agreed at the time, but..”   
“But what? You just happened to change your mind?”  
“No.”  
“Then what?”

“You don’t understand.”

Then enlighten me. What made you decide to put our daughter in danger behind my back.”  
“Behind your back. NO!”

“Then what do you call this?” She asked, gesturing towards the small beige horse before her.

“I promised the lass, yesterday. You dinnae want me to break my promise?”  
“You made a promise to me.” She cried out.  
“Aye, I did. And I told ye that when the time was right I would teach her how to care for a horse, how to treat it with respect.” Claire didn’t answer, moving from irate yelling into infuriated silence. “She wilna be riding any time soon.” I assured her, “She needs to learn the basics first, I’ll be in control the whole time.”  
“You know as well as I how quickly things can happen.” Her voice broke, I sensed the same fear in her that was in me. “God damn it Jamie.” She cursed after a time, letting her chest fall as she exhaled sharply.   
“I ken Sassenach, I do.” Her guard was lowering slightly, I took the risk and stepped forward, taking her in my arms and kissing her on the forehead. “She’s my daughter too. I dinnae want to see her come to harm any more than you. If I didna think she was ready I wouldna let her near the beast.”

“I’m not ready.” She whispered after a moment, “She’s growing up so fast.”  
“Aye.” I agreed as I thought about how much she had grown in the two years I had known her. How much more will she have grown in two more years? How long before she was too old to carry to bed or to read stories too? “I’m sorry Sassenach. Truly. I shouldna have acted as I did, it was deceitful of me. Do ye forgive me?”  
“I’m sorry too.” She whispered back, “You know what you’re doing Jamie, I don’t mean to question that. I should ask your forgiveness.”

“There’s nothing to forgive mo nighean donn.” We were both prisoner to the same fears, the same sense of responsibility and the desire to wrap her in cotton wool and let no harm ever come to her. Bree had been a gift, one we had waited so long for and neither of us was prepared to take it for granted especially after the loss we felt from loosing Faith. “Come.” I took her by the waist and led her back towards the house. “They’ll be nothing left to eat if we don’t get inside soon.”

“True.” Claire smiled, all tension between us gone, “Your daughter eats as much as you do.”

 

JAMMF

Jamie slowly won me over and over the next two weeks I watched as Jamie spent several hours a day teaching Bree the basics of riding. He was right, she looked so at home on the horse and she was a quick learner, Bree had finally convinced Jamie to let her try walking the horse on her own. I stood watching as his hand twitched nervously beside him while his smile conveyed nothing but the strongest conviction that there was no danger at all. Bree walking laps around him in the yard as she learned to lead the horse left and right. Fergus, Young Jamie and Rabbie cheering on, sometimes joined by Maggie and Kitty when they weren’t helping Jenny in the house. As I watched them, father and daughter working together as one I remembered why it was I had brought her here in the first place. She belonged here, to him and she deserved to learn all the things that her father had to teach her. Their bond was undeniable and I realised that as much as I would always fear for her, that she deserved to live the life that I had brought her here to live.

“She’s a bonny lass Sassenach.” Jamie had told me proudly, “The equal of any rider I’ve known.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I told him back, “When I think if all we have been through, when I think of her, racing through the fields, outrunning god knows what…”  
“Aye.” He grinned at me, “With your sharp tongue and her Fraser stubbornness I’m thinking it’s a good thing that she can outride any trouble she may find herself in.” he replied teasingly.   
“That’s supposed to ease my mind?” I asked him, pushing him mockingly away as he leaned in for a kiss.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach. They’ll have to get through me first.” He winked, successfully planting a kiss on my cheek. Fergus had taken over her lessons as Jamie stood by me at the post.  “Do ye feel up to a wee ride today Sassenach?” He asked out of nowhere, “Jenny said she can mind the wee bairn.”

“I’d like that.” I said, leaning towards him as he took my chin and kissed me quickly.  

 

JAMMF

I packed a light lunch in my basket, tied it to my saddle and climbed up on top of my beloved horse. Jamie had left orders with Ian and the boys to keep a close eye on the cattle and joined me at the stables. The English would be arriving soon and as the day approached I found myself feeling more and more anxious. There were so many things that could go wrong and every one of them remained at the forefront of my mind. I knew the tension was getting to Jamie too and decided, against my better judgement, that a nice ride, alone with each other, was just the distraction that we both needed. Jamie smiled as he mounted his horse, took the reins and led us out through the main gates.

“We’ll head out and check the south border.” Jamie informed me as we trotted off slowly down the path, “Then I need to check in at the Mill.” He added with a slight curl of his lip. It made me immediately suspicious and I wondered what he was planning, but decided not to press the matter. Something told me I would find out soon enough.

“Do you think the English will be here soon?” I asked, a note of apprehension in my voice.

“Aye, likely in three days, weather permitting.” He nodded, looking towards the mountain pass they would first come through. The weather had been remarkably fine being early summer and the days were almost hot by Scottish standards. Jamie had warned me that they would come once the road was passable after the winter rains. While the thought of the English visiting sent shivers through my spine, it was the thought that shortly after Jamie and Ian would make the dangerous journey south that gave me the most despair.

 

We rode the boundary, checking for any signs that the cattle had been discovered, or of anyone camping out nearby that might mean to raid them. Once Jamie was sufficiently satisfied that their herd was in no danger, he stopped and turned his horse towards the mill. Happy to just be with him, I followed suit, each of us sharing meaningful glances as we enjoyed the heat of the sunshine above and the warmth of the slight breeze across our faces. In no hurry, we never broke into a full gallop instead strolling at a leisurely pace across the open fields. My heart almost sank as we made it over the rise and the mill came into view, not wanting the moment to end.

“Here mo gradh.” Jamie had dismounted and was by my horse in no time as he reached out and offered a hand. Grabbing me by the waist and helping me to the ground.  

“Thank you.” Was all I could think to say, his tender embrace taking me off guard. Released from his grip, I ran a hand through my hair, which had come undone during our ride. I started to put it back up but he grabbed my arm, holding it in his.

“Leave it.” Jamie said sternly, “It suits you.” He smiled, combing out the curls as they settled over my shoulder.

“What are you up to?” I asked him, shaking my head slightly to let my hair hang free. I felt a slight blush on my cheeks and a tinge of embarrassment as I met his eyes, staring at me with such depth.

“Mmm. Nothing.” He grunted, looking away and seeing to the horses. Jamie tied them to the tree so they could graze and rest while I grabbed the lunch basket and the blanket that I had borrowed from Jenny.  “Wait here.” He said, heading for the mill as I stood by the horses, basket in hand wondering what he was up to. I looked around, spotted the familiar clearing up by the large tree which offered a respite of shade and decided to lay out the blanket and prepared something to eat. Jamie returned moments later, a contented smile on his face as he sat down beside me.

“Are you going to tell me yet?” I asked, breaking open the fresh loaf of bread and spreading some of my fine honey over it. I handed Jamie a slice, then spread some honey over a second piece. He took it from me, rising it to his mouth and resting it there as he stared at me, another warm smile on his face. I was beginning to feel thoroughly unnerved. “That’s it.” I shouted, putting my foot down, irritated as Jamie just smiled wider at my distress. “What are you up to James Fraser?”

“Tis nothing Sassenach.” He grinned, “It’s just that I dinna know how ye do it. Up at dawn and working non stop until long past dark. Tending to ye wee herbs, looking after Bree and Em and me and helping Jenny with the house. Giving Bree and the lasses their lessons and helping with the animals. I ken many a woman who would not have half the stamina you have, and yet, ye still look no older than when I first ken’d ye.”

“Well when you put it that way.” I blushed, taking a bite of the loaf and washing it down with some of the wine I had packed. “I work no harder than you and you seem to do just fine. So does Jenny.”  
“Aye.” He nodded, “But there are many who work half as much and age twice as fast.” He took a sip of his own wine and grinned, “I’m a very lucky man Sassenach. A very lucky man indeed.”

“And don’t you forget it.” I teased him. Poking him in the shoulder as he mocked being stabbed. “Is that what this is all about?”  
“I suppose so.” He admitted after a moment, “It’s been two years ye ken, since ye first returned to me through the stones, with Bree. When ye left, I never thought I’d see you again and I became half a man, lost and alone but ye returned to me and now…” He looked deep into my eyes, “Ye never do anything for yeself.” He continued, “I wanted to do something for ye to show you how grateful I am to have ye in my life again.” He said, moving closer and brushing the stray hair from my face, “And, well.” He hesitated, “I wanted to spend some time with ye, before I..”  
“Before you go.” I finished for him, trying not to let my fear burden him with guilt. I didn’t know what to say, what could I say. I flung my arms around him and kissed him passionately. “God I do love you Jamie Fraser.”

“And I love you mo nighean donn.” He promised back. He grabbed my hand and lifted me up onto my feet, “Come.” He said as he led me down to the water.

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.” We stopped just on the water’s edge, he started to shake off his shoes and I looked around, suddenly realising that we were completely alone.

“Where is everyone? What are you doing?” I asked.

“Ye need to get undressed Sassenach, and dinna fash, I sent them all home. No one will see ye.”  
“See me do what?” I asked again as he began undoing my cloak for himself. Before I knew it I was standing in the field as bare as the day I was born, Jamie before me in nothing but his birthday suit as well.

“Come.” He said again leading me into the water, as he held a small parcel in his hand. Smiling nervously, I followed him into the stream, warm and inviting after the heat of the ride. “I ken it’s not exactly the same.” He nodded pleased with himself, “But it will be much better than trying to squeeze into the old tub in the house.” Jamie smiled.

“Oh Jamie.” I couldn’t believe how perfect it was, “A bath, you brought me here for a bath?”  
“Aye.” He handed me the small bar of scented hand made soap as I noticed a rectangular shape made out of odd stones by the bank of the river. “Stretch out mo nighean donn and I’ll wash ye hair for you.” He said, “I know ye miss it so, so I wanted to give it back to ye.” I climbed inside and let my legs stretch free, the water keeping me afloat as Jamie squeezed in behind me. I’d almost forgotten how good it felt to fit my whole body in the tub at the same time and I drifted away in sweet pleasure as Jamie’s hands lathered the soap and massaged the sweet rose scent into my flesh before washing my hair as promised.  

“I ken you dinnae want me to go.” Jamie whispered after a time, “And I hate to leave ye, especially for so long, but I must.” He apologised.  
“I know Jamie.” I took his hand in mine, playing with his fingers as they entwined around mine. “I know you have to go, and why and I understand.” I told him, “I’ll be all right Jamie. I promise.”  
“I ken Sassenach.” He kissed the back of my hand, still knotted with his, “But it doesn’t pain me any less.” Jamie leaned in and embraced me thoroughly, scooping me up and pulling me close until there was no space between us.

 

“Claire.” He began some time later, the way he did when something serious was on his mind. We had moved from the water up onto the blanket so we could dry in the summer sun. As we lay there wrapped tightly in each others arms, we watched the clouds pass overhead. He had given me the most perfect gift I could have asked for.

“Hmm?” I replied half dreamily.

“I must ask ye something.” He hesitated again, turning around to face me. “I’ve heard that when, I mean…  not that I’ve been there to help ye after…“ He sounded almost heartbroken and lost in memory.

“What is it Jamie?” I asked in a tone that said he could tell me anything and I would not reject him.

“When ye had Faith and Bree.” He asked softly, “Did ye…. Did ye courses return to normal straight away?”

“My courses?” I wondered what he was on about, what had been on his mind this whole time?

“I’ve heard it said, in passing, that after it can take some time… with the feeding an all, that…”  
“Jamie are you trying to ask if I have had my period?”  
“I ken ye haven’t Sassenach, not since ye returned from… well, with…”

“Jamie what….” I started to say, then realised that he was right. Em was almost 3 months old. I had been back just over eight weeks and had been far too preoccupied to even notice.

“Are ye all right Sassenach?” He continued, “Ye would tell me if something was wrong?”  
“Of course I would Jamie.” I assured him, “Nothing’s wrong I promise.” I laid a calming hand on his cheek and felt his flesh blush underneath. “I suppose your right. Sometimes it does take a while for things to return to normal, I am still feeding Em after all and that can have an effect.” I informed him, but not that much of an effect I thought to myself, silently praying that nothing was wrong.

“Ye dinnae think?” He asked more hopefully.

“No, it’s not possible.” I told him, dismissing the idea. The chances were so small and there had been no other symptoms.

“Aye.” He agreed half-heartedly. “It had been almost a year since ye took me to ye bed when we had Faith, and another eighteen months before Bree.”  
“And almost as long again before Em.” I added, falling pregnant had not come easily to us, and with my history of difficult pregnancies it was clear that I wasn’t what most would call a fine breeder. “I’m sorry Jamie.” I could see the disappointment in his face and hear it in his voice.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach. You’ve given me more than I could ever have hoped for. I cannae ask for more.” He said, kissing me softly as I felt a small tear fall onto my cheek, not knowing if it was his or mine. 


	20. We Meet An Englishman

** Chapter 20: We meet an Englishman **

Three days later, just as Jamie had predicted, the English had arrived to take their share of the profits. Lieutenant Myers, a somewhat tall man, thin but strong boned and Second Lieutenant Johnston fairer than the first with a kindly face, arrived in their usual manner flanked by six junior officers. Riding up through the main gate as if they owned the place, they took their horses directly to the stables and tied them up to the rails, ordering Fergus and Jamie to feed and water them.

“Good morning Mistress Fraser, Mistress Murray.” Lt Myers greeted us, tipping his hat in respect. “I trust that you are well.” He bowed graciously.   
“Quite well, thank you.” I replied as I noted that both Jamie’s and Ian’s horses were missing.

“And where is Mr Fraser?” Myers asked, also noting Jamie’s absence as I felt my heart race.

“There was some trouble in the field. He went out early to see to it. He should be back shortly.” Jenny’s voice was calm and sturdy.  
“What kind of trouble?” Myers enquired, looking around for any sign of distress, or defiance.

“Something about the oats… I must confess I don’t understand much of what he tells me about the plants and things.” I added, as Jenny shook her head just as _ignorant_.

“Aye, of course not. I didn’t mean to offend you Mistress.” He apologised.   
“Not at all.” Jenny replied as I blushed at our deceit, cursing my glass face. We had meet them only a few times before, but they were always friendly and showed no signs of malice. I felt bad for deceiving them like this.  

“Would you like a wee dram while you wait Lt Myers?” Jenny asked, “I’ve some fresh bannocks and a current cake for you too if ye wish a bite.”

“That would be lovely. Thank you ma’am.” Lieutenant Myers made his way inside and I took a quick glance around before following him and the others into the parlour.  

Jenny made herself busy, serving the men any number of edible dishes and keeping their cups full as I tended to the children, keeping them at their lessons and distracting them so they didn’t let slip about the cattle. Everyone knew what was at stake, but they were only children after all. I felt the tightness in my chest as I looked at the clock above the mantle. It was almost noon and I wondered not for the first time where Jamie was?

 

“Don’t worry Claire.” Jenny whispered trying to sooth me as she walked past with another tray of assorted cakes and cold meats. “They’ll be gone by tomorrow, just as always.” They had only come to Lallybroch a number of times since my return, twice the year I had first returned and again while I was away, having Em. But we hadn’t been hiding illegal cattle then and Jamie hadn’t been actively betraying his word to the English.  
“I know.” I nodded, trying to hide the shake in my voice. “It’s ok, I’m ok.” I guaranteed her.  
“Jamie ken’s what he’s doing. Trust in that.” She nodded, her eyes not sure I was telling the truth.   
“I do.” I always had I thought to myself, but he wasn’t here, where was he? I corrected Bree’s latest handwriting attempt and Maggie’s spelling as I tried to take a deep breath and calm my nerves. Then I heard it, that strong, masculine, unmistakable Scottish tone and my heart lightened and I felt giddy from my prolonged oxygen deprivation.

 

“Myers, my old friend.” Jamie greeted him confidently extending out a muddy hand to the lieutenant. “I didn’t know ye had arrived I do apologise.”

“Get out!” Jenny screamed at Jamie to my astonishment, “You’re trampling mud all through the house. Get out ye wee fool. Both of ye.” She hit Jamie and Ian with the towel she was carrying and they shot a scowl at her in unison.

“My apologies.” Jamie bowed to Myers, “I will return in a moment.” he assured him, Ian following close behind as he left for the front porch under Jenny’s watchful eye and I took the opportunity to sneak out the back entrance to join him.

 

JAMMF

 

“Where have you been?” I asked helping to remove some of the mud from his face with his dirty handkerchief.

“Fergus had some trouble with the…” Jamie stopped short of saying the word, a single word that could see us all hanged. “It’s settled now.” He grinned in promise.  
“And what about this?” I asked looking at all the mud on Jamie and Ian, covering them from top to toe.

“Aye, well.” Jamie smiled, the whites of his eyes beaming amongst the dark brown dirt. “I thought it would make a good cover story, aye so we stopped by the creek on the way back.” He looked himself over, quite pleased then looked at me, his smile turning to a frown “Are ye all right Sassenach? You look a bit shaken.”

“I am now.” I felt the tension lift from my shoulders as his hand curled around my arm trying to hold me up. Just having him near made me feel safer and I felt myself calming already. I leaned up and kissed him quickly. “You’d better hurry.” I urged him, “They’ve already had quite a bit to drink.” I tilted my head in slight disapproval.   
“Aye, and the nights still young.” Jamie grinned cheekily at me, knowing as I did that they would be beyond drunk by the time the night was over. He brushed off the last of the mud and went back inside with me by his side. Ian straightened his coat and followed close behind.

 

JAMMF

 

Under Jamie’s insistence, not that I disagreed, I retired early, taking Bree and Em with me. I tried to fall asleep but found myself lying on the bed, listening to the sounds of the men laughing and drinking downstairs until the early hours of the morning. I wondered to myself how Jamie could do it, even drunk on whiskey he could keep a sharp mind, minding what he said so as not to give anything away. I myself had no such skill, my every thought there for anyone to see and I secretly wondered if that thought was what had caused Jamie to insist that I keep my distance. I couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning as I thought of the cattle, lying in wait nearby. I thought it my imagination but I could hear them mooing in the not so far off field, calling to the English to find them. I knew Ian had sent Jenny to bed also, almost five months gone with child she had worked her magic all day long, entertaining and feeding the soldiers as they took over the parlour. Taking every precaution, Jamie had ordered Rabbie and Fergus to remain visible, placing some of the other tenants in charge of sentry duty for the night. Every care was made to ensure that the British Soldiers could account for all of us should the cattle be found, after all I reminded myself trying to calm the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, they weren’t even on our land anymore.

 

“Sassenach?” Jamie whispered as he opened the door slowly and tiptoed over to the bed, “Are ye awake?”   
“Yes.” I answered hastily, sitting up as he laid down on the sheets beside me, the hour was quite late and I guessed it was close to three in the morning. It was dark, with only the thinnest of moonbeams lighting up the room in addition to the embers from the fire that burned low.  “Christ Jamie you wreak; how much did you drink anyway?”  
“Urgh.” He moaned, smelling himself and turning green from the fumes, “They are a thirsty lot the English.” Jamie noted, taking off his boots as he lay on his back, “But they’ll sleep well tonight, and be in no mood to ride the boundary tomorrow.” He smiled self assured.

“That was your plan? Get them drunk?” I asked surprised.  
“Worked last time.” He commented sliding under the sheets, “And the time before that.” He replied proudly. “The English cannae hold their whiskey.” He said opening an eye to look at me, “Not all of them anyway.” He corrected with a smile. Impressed at his simple but effective plan I reached out and stroked the top of his head, pushing his hair back in a soothing manner.

“Neither can some Scots.” I noted, he looked a little green around the edges, more than I had ever seen him and I felt sorry about how he would feel in the morning.

“I’ll be fine Sassenach.” Jamie whispered, the fumes seeping from his breath and I wondered whether I had better put the fire out lest the air be flammable, “Maybe you can give me some of your wee herbs in the morning.” He struggled to say as he drifted out of consciousness.

“Of course.” I promised, smiling as his lip curled, then his bottom lip lowered slightly and the sound of snoring rose from his chest and the room fell still again. I snuggled in beside him, resting my own head on his chest and letting the sound of his heart lull me off to sleep.

 

JAMMF

“Good morning Mistress.” Johnston greeted me as he sat green gilled and feeble at the table, looking only a tad more able than the other men, their heads hung low as they struggled to sit upright.

“Good morning.” I replied handing out the plate of bannocks and some hair of the dog. “I trust you slept well?”  
“Aye. We did thank you ma’am.” Johnston looked around at the men, watching as one excused himself and left for the outside garden. “I must apologise but your husband makes a most splendid dram if I do say so myself and Lt Myers was never one to let a good drop go to waste.”   
“I’ll tell him you said so.” I nodded, going to wake the sleeping giant.

 

“Oh god Sassenach.” Jamie moaned, his head over the chamber pot, “I think I might be dead.” Whether he was or he wasn’t I thought to myself, he certainly looked it.

“Well if you are, so are the eight men downstairs, although I must say, they look a little better than you just now.” I teased him as I searched my medicine box for the fine powder I used for hangovers. “Here.” I said handing him the decoction in a glass of fresh water. Jamie drank it without question and threw up. “Now this.” I said handing him the second glass. It would relieve his headache and reduce the effects of the alcohol. I couldn’t believe that his plan had worked.

“Ye look a lil green yeself Sassenach.” He said, looking up at my face as I stood by the window, the room had an unpleasant odour about it and it was making my stomach turn.

“I just need a little fresh air is all.” I assured him, “I think I’ll take Em for a walk.” I picked up Em from her basket where she had just woken up and proceeded downstairs.  
“Don’t go too far.” He called out as I turned to catch him checking me out as I left, a slight gleam in his eye, “I may need ye, soon.” He smiled.

 

JAMMF

 

When I returned from my walk, fresh and feeling much better, I found Jamie in the stables already seeing to our guests’ horses. The men could hardly stand on their own two feet let alone ride, I felt a touch of empathy for them as I noted how unpleasant their trip back would be. “Leaving so soon?” I asked, trying to settle Em as she started to fuss, ready for her next meal. Jamie came to stand by my side as the men bowed and welcomed my presence.

“I’m afraid so Mistress Fraser.” Myers said, coming to join us. Lieutenant Johnston right behind him, “And this must be your beautiful daughter.” He enquired, pulling the blanket back to look at her, “I’m afraid we missed you last time we visited.” Johnston noted apologetically, “James said you were visiting family in the lowlands?”  
“Yes.” I confirmed, “I was detained due to the birth of this little one.” I added, “I do apologise for not being here to greet you.”  
“Not at all ma’am.” He said, cooing at Em as she smiled back at him.

“Aye, she took us all by surprise and came a wee early.” Jamie added proudly.

“She’s a bonny lass.” Johnston congratulated us, “As is her sister. You are a rich man Mister Fraser.”

“I cannae disagree with you.” Jamie smiled, “I ken it well.” Jamie wrapped an arm around my shoulder and paused a moment, “Well it will be a long ride. We mustn’t keep you.” Jamie changed the subject, nodding towards the wagon filled with bags of grain, potatoes, oats and several barrels of Jamie’s whiskey.

“I thank you again Fraser for your hospitality. You are a credit to your people, if only more of the Scottish people accepted us as warmly as you and your family does.” Johnston praised him as Myers struggled to mount his horse. “If there’s ever anything we can do for you.”  
“Aye well, maybe in time.” Jamie nodded as he watched the rest of them mount their horses uneasily, and held the reigns for Myers as he readied himself to leave. “When will we see you again?” Jamie asked, returning to my side, one hand around my waist.

“It will be four months before we are back this way, December I suspect.” Myers took his horse and turned it towards the road, aiming to take the lead as Lt Johnston quickly took up his position beside him.   
“I look forward to your visit.” Jamie bowed politely.

“As do I.” Johnston called back as he led his men down the road away from Lallybroch.

 

“Thank god they’ve gone.” I let out a breath that I didn’t realise I had been holding, feeling Jamie do the same.

“Aye.” He squeezed me tighter, his free hand brushing Em’s wisps of hair back as she stared at the sky above her. “Ye can rest now Sassenach.” He assured me, watching our guests becoming smaller and smaller as they rode towards the horizon.

“Not yet.” I reached out and kissed him softly, “Not till you return.”

“Well then.” Jamie grinned sheepishly, “The sooner I leave, the sooner I can return to ye.” He bent down and kissed me on the forehead and lead us back into the house.   

 

JAMMF

“When will you leave?” I asked as we sat around the table eating supper. The English had been gone a day and I knew that Jamie was eager to get the cattle to safety. He had found a fresh campsite yesterday afternoon and he feared that another raid on the cattle was imminent.

“Soon.” He said buttering a bannock and taking a bite as he looked to Ian. “Murtagh will arrive tomorrow if all goes to plan. We will be ready to go once he does.” Ian shot him a look back, I didn’t quite understand the meaning behind it but I thought I saw some tension or uncertainty, maybe fear behind their eyes.

“You will take Jamie and Fergus with you?” I insisted, something inside me told me that the more men he took the safer he would be, I’d make him take the whole estate if I had to. I couldn’t eat, I had no appetite, only the uneasy feeling that we would soon be separated and that something would go terribly wrong. 

“Fergus will stay here, just in case.” Jamie shook his head, “In case anything should happen he’ll ken what to do.” He continued strongly, looking to Ian, “But Aye wee Jamie will come with us.”

“Jenny and I can manage.” I began to argue, looking across the table to where she sat beside Ian, not looking the least bit concerned about what was to come. She always took the daily running of the house in her stride. She was as strong as an ox and she never let anything phase her, unlike myself who felt like a bundle of nerves waiting to explode. “Surely you need Fergus more than we do.” I protested, trying to swallow the whiskey as it burned my throat. Johnston was right, Jamie’s latest batch was a strong drop indeed.   
  
“I’m sure Jamie ken’s what’s best.” Jenny added softly, finishing of the meal in front of her and leaning back with a sip from her own glass, “But if any harms comes to my son you ken there’ll be the devil to pay.” She shot a warning glass at Ian and Jamie. “For the both of ye.”

“Aye.” Jamie and Ian both nodded glancing again at each other. “The lad will be safe. I promise you that mo gradh.” Jamie gave her a reassuring nod and then leaning back in his chair grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. “Dinna Fash. We’ve done far worse and we’re still here to tell the tale. It’s not but a couple of days hard ride and once we’re in the lowlands there will be little to do but wait for the buyer.” He detailed as he took another sip, “We’ll likely die of boredom before we meet any danger.” Jamie winked not so reassuringly.

“Well that’s comforting.” I replied sarcastically, shooting him a look of my own. “I feel better already.”

“Aye.” Jenny concurred, raising her glass. “To the future.” She toasted, looking at us each in turn.

“To the future.” We all toasted back,  

“To finally being free of the English.” Jamie added raising his glass and emptying the warm liquid in one gulp. He put the empty glass back down on the table and cupped my head in his hand, leaning in to give me a kiss. “And to whatever else might come.” He winked at me, taking the whiskey bottle away before I could refill our glasses. “That’s a strong drop Sassenach.” He smiled at me, “I think ye have had enough for tonight.”

I didn’t respond, not wanting to cause any more attention to us than we already had, but shot him a subtle look warning him not to push the subject further. Jamie didn’t take any notice as he rose from the seat, grabbed my hand and helped me to my feet. “Come Sassenach.” He insisted, “It will be a long day tomorrow, I think it best we retire early tonight.”

 

JAMMF

“Jamie.” I began softly, as if talking to a child, “You do understand what I told you before?” I asked, sliding in beside him in the sheets. He took me into his arms, brushing the hair from my face before his hand slid down my arm and rested on the thin material above my waist.

“Aye, I did.” Jamie answered softly, staring absent mindedly where his hand hovered. “That does not mean that I agree.” He added, “You’re a practical woman Claire and I ken that well and I dinnae disagree with ye reasons.”  
“But?”  
“But I also ken that there are some things in this life that cannae be explained. You are living proof of that.” He smiled up at me. “If I’m wrong then I will be sorely amiss, but if I’m right…”

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.” I knew how much this meant to him and how devastated he would be if he turned out to be wrong.

“The way I see it.” Jamie reasoned with me, “I ken’d you belonged with me from the moment I saw you. I ken’d you were no a spy when so many others thought you were, nor a witch.” He smirked, “And I ken’d that you were telling me the truth when you told me about the stones, about Colluden and the defeat of the Highlanders. I was right about Brianna, and Em, just as I ken I’m right about this.”

“But the odds...” I began to protest, placing my hand over his.

“We’ve beaten the odds so many times Sassenach, is it so hard to imagine that we might have beaten them again?” He asked, not waiting for an answer. Taking my head in his hands, Jamie kissed me thoroughly then drawing me closer to him, we began to spend one final night together. It was the last night I recalled forlornly, that I would sleep in his arms till he returned to me. Three weeks I would wake up without him beside me, for twenty one days I would fall to sleep without his arms wrapped around mine. Tomorrow might see us torn apart, but tonight we were together and in each others arms and we would make the most of every last moment we had. 

 

JAMMF

“You look like something the cat dragged in.” Murtagh greeted Jamie as he made his way down the stairs, still fixing up his kilt, as he ran into his godfather in the parlour. “Claire.” Murtagh nodded graciously, eyebrows lifted in a knowing glance as I made my way down after him.

“Murtagh. So glad to see you again.” I greeted him, giving him a warm hug much to his displeasure. Murtagh had been gone for weeks, paving the way with his nephew, finding potential buyers and securing safe passage and lodgings with several crofters along the way.  

“And I you.” Murtagh hugged me back, I had so missed his company.  

“Uncle Murtagh.” Bree came running down from the top of the stairs and flung herself at him, jumping at the last minute giving him no choice but to catch her. “I’ve missed you.”  
“You’ve grown.” He hugged her back, looking her up and down, “And ye’ve lost a tooth.”  
“Aye two nights ago, ma says it will grow back though.” Bree beamed eagerly.  
“We’ll your mothers usually right.” He said, winking at me and giving Bree a final hug before putting her back on the ground.

“Are ye here to stay?” She asked excitedly, “Da’s going away for a while but you can stay can’t you?”  
“Sorry lass.” Murtagh said, hesitantly, “I’ll be going with your da, but you can tell me all about what’s been happening while I’ve been away when I get back.”  
Bree studied him a moment, almost trying to guilt him into staying and then she sighed and backed down. “Of course.” She whispered, stepping back by Jamie’s side.   
“I promise lass, as soon as I return.” Murtagh pledged, the guilt trip working. “And I’ll bring you a wee present as well.”

“You promise?” She asked him, as much as threatened him.  
“I promise.” He bowed.  
“Enough.” Jamie stepped in, a proud grin on his face, looking to me as if I was the cause of this behaviour. “Go to the kitchen and fetch the food for our journey.” He ordered Bree.

“Aye da.” She raced off at once to do as Jamie had asked her, barely curtseying before she left.

“She’s growing up fast.” Murtagh announced to Jamie as we began to walk outside to where the others were already gathered.

“Aye she is, too fast.” Jamie admitted wrapping his hand around my waist and leading me out by his side. 

 

JAMMF

 

“And how is young Elizabeth?” Murtagh asked me as we gathered all of the belongings by the stable, ready to load the wagon. “She is well I hope.” He pulled back the shawl she was wrapped in and stared at her with a great amount of love.  
“She’s grand.” Jamie confirmed as he glanced at her sleeping in my arms. “She’ll be a bonny lass like her sister.” He smiled proudly as young Jamie and Rabbie loaded the wagon behind them. The morning sun began to shine over the mountains. Jamie stood before her, his hair glistening in the morning light and for a moment she felt herself frozen in time, trying to decide if the ghostly apparition before her was a good omen or a bad one.

“It’s still early Sassenach.” Jamie said, looking at me with an air of concern, he knew I was worried for him, and I knew he was worried for me too. “Go into the house and get some rest, we’ll not be leaving for a time yet.” He cupped my cheek in his hand as he lifted my gaze to his then he nodded, insisting that I did as he suggested and I let out a deep sigh,

“All right.” I said, Em was getting ready for her next feed and I had started a letter last night that I wanted to finish before he left. I kissed him quickly and turned to go back into the house. “I’ll be back soon.” I promised looking at Jamie, still bathed in the morning light, taking in every detail before committing it to memory and turning to go into the house.

 

JAMMF

 

“Things are going well then?” Murtagh asked me as we began to load the bags of supplies into the wagon and prepare the horses for our journey. “Claire looks, well.” He paused in question.   
“Aye.” I said, trying to supress a grin on my own face as I looked away and tossed the next sack up to Fergus.

“Anything ye need to tell me?” He asked, as I bit my lip, trying not to say too much. A silence fell between us and I felt Murtagh staring at me, eager for more information as he loaded the last of the bags. “I’m ye godfather lad, it’s not polite to keep secrets from me.” He reminded me, trying to guilt me into an answer. Maybe that’s where Bree got it from?

“Nuthin.” I shook my head, walking away and over to the stables. I picked up the brush, running it across Donas’s back one last time before I would saddle him up for the long ride.

“I kent it” Murtagh looked at me, an odd smile on his lips as he seemed to study my face with eagerness. He shoved me in the shoulder, almost knocking me off of my feet. “I told Fergus as much when she first returned.”

“Shh.” I wished he would lower his voice, Claire would be quite displeased if she knew what we were talking about. “It’s not certain yet.” I cautioned him.   
“Och,” Murtagh scoffed, “Ye ken it as much as I do. I’m happy for ye lad. Truly.” Then he chuckled, “Ye didn’t waste much time did ye.”

“No.” I admitted, sharing a chuckle with him, glad to finally share the news with someone. “Although Claire doesna seemed convinced. I’m not sure why?”  
“She’s scared is all.” Murtagh said shrewdly, “We all ken that the bearing of bairns does not come easy to ye both. But it’s a blessing none the less.” He patted me on the back once again.

“Aye.” I agreed, “I just wish I dinnae have to leave her. Not like this.”  
“We could do without ye, if you thought it best. Everything is arranged.” Murtagh stated with a tone that told me to stay. I wished I could, but my conscience wouldn’t let me. No. It was only three weeks, and Claire couldna be more than two months gone. She was in no danger yet. I’d have plenty of time to sell the cattle and make it back to her, my sporran full of coin enough to be free of the English and free to settle with my young family. I needed to do this, for Claire, for all of them.

“No. Thank you but no.” I declared aloud. “I’ll see the cattle sold. It was my idea and I’ll see it through.”

“As you wish.” Murtagh nodded, he was always loyal. Following my lead whatever I asked of him, without question. So many times that loyalty had saved my life, and Claire’s. “We’ll the wagon is loaded and the morning is early, we should get a move on if we want to make it to McInnis’s Croft by dark. He’s a fenced yard we can keep the cattle in overnight.”

“Aye.” My heart sank. Last night I had hours before I had to part from her, and now I had only minutes. Better to get it over with before I began to lose my nerve. I threw the blanket over Donas, followed by his saddle, making sure to pull the straps tight, then made my leave to go and find Claire.

 

JAMMF

 

She was in the kitchen, with Jenny and the younger bairns when I entered the house. She hadn’t been there long I surmised as Claire handed Jenny a fresh loaf of bread from the oven for her to pack into the sack. Her eyes had a redness to them, the sensation of a hand squeezing my heart overcame me, she had been crying. Steeling my expression so as not to cause her any more distress, I took my place beside her and kissed her softly on the top of her head. “Will ye be ready with the rations then Jenny?” I asked as the bairns slurped at their morning porridge and their fresh goats milk. 

“Here da.” Bree grabbed the sack from Jenny and, under great strain, handed it to me.

“A feast fit for a king.” I bowed to her, placing the sack by the door as I hoisted Bree up into my arms. I held her close, trying to recall her scent and sight to memory. It wasn’t only Claire that it pained me to leave behind.

“You’ll be ready to leave then?” Claire asked, her voice breaking subtly as she looked up from Em, her eyes, still bloodshot and moist, meeting mine. I put Bree down so she could finish her breakfast and stood hesitantly trying to find the right words.

“We best be making a start, we’ve a long journey ahead of us today.” I said matter of factly, “Will ye walk with me a moment Sassenach?” Claire didn’t answer, passing Em over into the arms of the maidservent before kissing Bree on the head and coming to stand by my side. I grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in my own, and led her out into the garden.

“Jamie.” She began some time later,

“Sshh Sassenach.” I turned her to face me, her hair still down and flying about her face in the breeze. “I like it when ye wear your hair like that mo nighean donn.” She seemed more relaxed when she did, happier, more content and the brown auburn locks complimented the colour of her eyes.

“I know.” She smiled wryly and I realised she’d done it on purpose.

“I must go now.” I began again, wishing I could take her to bed one more time, my arms tight around her shoulders as she rested her hands on my waste.

“I know.” She repeated again, her hands squeezing tighter against my sides. “Don’t take any chances you hear. They’re only cattle and if we can’t pay off the English I don’t mind so much. We love you no matter what.”  
“Aye. But I would.” I disagreed, lowering my face as I lifted hers to meet mine. “But I take ye meaning and ye can rest assured I’ll not do anything to risk not returning to your arms.” I assured her kissing her thoroughly.

She took her hand from my waste and leaned up to take mine. “Here.” she thrust a wad of paper into my hand, a letter I realised. “Read it later.” She urged me and I held it tight in my hand. I was still looking at the letter trying to imagine what she might have written about when she took my hands back into her own, gripping them so tightly that it crushed the letter between us. “Hurry back to me Jamie Fraser.” She demanded, “To us.” She added, a smile on her face as she placed my hand over her inhabited womb.

I felt my knees go weak. I had known of course, but her confirmation only enhanced my joy. “Christ Sassenach.” I scooped her up into my arms filled with so much delight that I could hardly keep my composure, “God I love ye so.”


	21. Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

Chapter 21: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

“Now mind ye ma, see that you do what she tells you.” Jamie said holding Bree tight in his arms. She listened to him intently, her eyes meeting his as she rested on his arm, his right hand tight against her back protecting her from falling backwards. “Mind that ye look after your wee beast as well.” He added, “You must see that it is brushed down and fed everyday. But _dinnae_ ride her you hear.” Jamie added sternly, “She’s not ready for that, and nor are you.” He stared at her then, making sure she understood it was an order and not a suggestion.

“Yes da.” She nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck and holding him tightly. He hugged her back, allowing his emotions to overcome him a moment then has neck stiffened up, his jaw clenched and he pulled her back from him.

“Now go.” Jamie said setting her back down on the ground, his face neutral again except for a faint tear in his eye, “Say goodbye to your Uncles for me.” Bree stared at him a moment than ran to do as he said. He turned then, and moved to stand before me. “And you Sassenach.” I could hear the faint murmur in his heart as he tried to steady his breathing. Hesitant about leaving, it had quickened slightly and he was trying not to let me see his concern, “I leave Fergus in charge while I’m gone.” He smiled first at me and then at Fergus who stood nearby watching and stood up taller at the mention of his name, “He’s under strict orders to ensure that you dinna climb any trees, leave the house without an escort or any other foolishness while I’m gone.” He winked at me, referring to the events which had taken place while I was pregnant with Elizabeth.

“Jamie… I.” I began to promise that I wouldn’t be reckless but he put a finger to my lips to stop me.

“And before ye say anything Sassenach, I ken well enough that ye promise not to, but Fergus will make sure that ye keep that promise.” Jamie nodded to Fergus, “And he has orders to lock ye in your room if ye do not.”   

“Yes, My Laird.” I bowed mockingly. Jamie took my chin in his hand and my lip started to quiver. Slowly, he lifted my head up and I felt the tears I had been trying to hold back rise to the surface. He didn’t say anything, we had said it all before, his lips pressed softly against mine as my lips parted and invited his tongue within. My lips tingled as he hovered over them, one hand at the base of my neck pulling me closer as he played with my hair. I felt a warm salty tear run down my cheek and swallowed hard, trying not to break down. Eventually he broke free, kissing my nose and then my forehead as I opened my eyes, staring straight into his bright blue and piercing eyes, like the rays of the sun.

Em gurgled quietly in my arms and Jamie broke his gaze, looking down at her, gently brushing the back of his hand over her cheek and then grabbing her tiny hand in his, “And you mo gradh. Make sure you let ye mother get some rest.” He ordered her, “And make sure ye stay healthy and strong like ye big sister.”

“She will.” I promised him for her. He stood a moment, struggling to make the first move. I placed a hand on his cheek, caressing my thumb over his stubble and feeling the rough hairs against my skin. “On your way soldier.” I whispered to him. Jamie didn’t say anything, he simply grinned, took a step back, taking my hand from his cheek and holding it in his and bowed.

“Milady.” He said as he stood tall again. Jamie kissed my hand, first the knuckles and then the ring and let my hand hang in mid-air as he let it go. Bree returned to my side and I pulled her close to me, still feeling the sensation of his lips on my skin as my hand curled around her. I nodded and Jamie turned, mounted his horse and went to lead the wagon away. Standing under the archway, with Fergus, Jenny and the other Murray children, I watched him go, watched as he turned around only briefly to look back at us. He stood tall in his saddle, smiled and then turned back to the road ahead. And then he was gone as he rode out of sight.

 

JAMMF

 

I grabbed my journal and began writing a letter to Mrs Graham, more of a prayer really. I cursed myself for insisting that she didn’t tell me anything. What I wouldn’t give to read that blasted journal, to find out if Jamie made it safely back home, if the English found out we were selling cattle, if I was carrying a boy or a girl, if it would live? So many questions ran through my mind and I felt a sense of anger at myself for having been so close to all the answers and yet so in the dark. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness, of being dragged along on some horror ride that I didn’t want to be on. As I wrote down my fears, I let myself imagine Mrs Graham sitting opposite me in the parlour with a cup of oolong, making polite conversation and answering my questions as if she were really here.

“Oh you poor child.” I could hear her say, “Of course you will see him again. He’s only going to be gone a few days. You’re worrying about nothing.” She would tell me, “Drink up and I’ll read ye tea leaves for ye.”

“But what if something goes wrong?”  
“Then he has Murtagh, Ian and young Jamie with him. He’s not alone.”

“What if something goes wrong here?” I wondered again.

“The English you mean?” She clarified.   
“Or drifters, they’ve been a few lately but Jamie always sent them on if he didn’t like the look of them.”  
“That’s why he left Fergus here.” She reminded me, “He won’t shy away from what needs to be done if it comes to that, and he won’t let you boss him around. Your Jamie’s a smart lad.”  
“Yes he is.” I agreed, realising that I was talking to myself. “What about the baby, will it be all right?”  
“If you do what your told he will.”

“He?” My eyes lit up, was it a boy then, a son for Jamie?

“Or she. The tea leaves aren’t clear on that one just yet.” She apologised.  
“And me? Will I be all right? Will I? Will Bree and Em?”

“You’ve a long life ahead of you.” She had told me once, “Many years to come.” Years. I had only seen her four months ago, could she be right? Was she just humouring me in a time of panic? I stared into the embers of the fire, burned low from neglect and tried to recall exactly what she had told me.

“Claire?” Jenny’s voice interrupted me, “Come and get a bite to eat and then ye can help me with the washing.” Jenny found solace in the day to day running of the house. It was no surprise that she had delved straight into the kitchen once Ian had left, eager to busy herself to stop from feeling his loss as strongly as I felt Jamie’s. I put the ink away and closed my journal, placing it on a high shelf safe from little hands and then went to join her. She had made a blackberry pie for dinner the night before, but had taken it off the shelf and carved us each a slice as I poured some soothing teas. The kitchen seemed quiet without the men folk buzzing in and out, trying to steal a snack here and there between meals. The children were all out playing in the yard under Fergus’s watchful eye and Jenny and I had found ourselves with a rare moment alone.

“My feet are swelling up already.” She said lifting her legs onto a nearby stool as she leaned back and took a sip of her tea, “I tell ye Claire, they say it gets easier but I tend to think that I just get older and more tired. Sometimes I even think that it is sucking the life right out of me.”  Jenny was four years older than Jamie, and a year younger than me and she’d already had four children. This was her fifth.

“I don’t know. It seems to suit you.” I said, thinking of how graceful she looked even full term.

“And you buy the sounds of it. Jamie tells me you’re with child again?” With all the preparations for the muster I hadn’t had a chance to speak with Jenny in several days.

“Yes.” I nodded, taking another bite of her delicious pie. “It’s still early days but it would seem so.”  
“Early days?” Jenny seemed to study me a moment, her face looked puzzled. “Jamie said you were nearly three months gone.”

“Wishful thinking I think.” Damn him, I thought I’d settled that argument, “Only two months I’m sure.”  
“Well it will be a busy house come this time next year.” She smiled happily, “With eight bairns in the house. We might need to build an extra wing on the south wall.” Jenny found something about that amusing and she let out a small laugh. She didn’t often let her guard down and I felt privileged to be included. 

“We might.” I agreed with her. It was getting a little crowded and the nursery was already full as it was.

“You don’t mind us being here do you?” I asked, wondering why I had never thought to ask her before.

“Don’t be daft.” Jenny scoffed looking at me, “I may not always show it but it brings me great joy to be able to look after you and Jamie, and the bairns. Hearing the children’s voices echo up and down the halls. My ma would have loved to have been a part of this. She had a saying. Anyone can make a house, but it’s family that makes a home and that’s what ye are Claire, you’re family and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“I don’t know what to say, I only wish I could be of more help. I know I’m not that good at the cooking or the cleaning for that matter.” I was not what one would call domestic by any means.  
“Ye keep us clean and healthy, you care for us when we’re sick and you prevent us from getting too many ills. We couldn’t ask for more than that.” She said reaching out to take my hand. Jenny took a breath, a distant memory causing her a moment of grief, “You saved a good many of us during the war Claire and even afterwards. You’ve paid ye dues and I’ll not hear another word about it.” She pulled her hand back then and went to get up, grabbing some fresh celery and potatoes for the stew she was beginning to fix for our lunch, she turned to me and added, “Besides, if ye could cook and clean I might just see ye as a threat. No, I like ye better this way I think.” She said smiling at me, grabbing the large pot from the shelf and placing it over the fire.

 

JAMMF

 

They had been on the road two days. The cattle, unaccustomed to being droved over such large distances, ambled slowly along the dirt paths and Jamie feared that they were already starting to fall behind. He didn’t like being out in the open like this, where any traveller could see them, eight men and over a hundred cattle making their way slowly south. He tried to move them on, but with so many young calves in the mix it was becoming a tedious affair. They had made camp on the second night, by a creek just off the main track. Four men kept guard at all times, relieved at midnight by the other four who had tried to get some rest after their evening meals. Ian, young Jamie and another tenant, Duncan slept nearby while Murtagh and three more watched over the herd, grazing in the woods around them. Jamie couldn’t sleep, he felt the letter in his pocket and opened it up to read it for the third time. His saddle serving as his back rest, Jamie made himself as comfortable as he could and angled his shoulders so that the light from the fire enabled him to see the words on the page. He didn’t really need to see the words, he had committed most of them to memory, just as he had the sight of her, long auburn hair blowing in the wind as it bounced off her shoulders, the salty taste of her tears on her lips, the soft texture of her hands as he held them tightly not wanting to let them go. He could hear her voice, reading the letter to him aloud as she sat nearby, the warmth of her body joining with his;

 

_To my dearest husband,_

_James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, I love you!_

_I may not say it out loud nearly often enough but I feel it, deep down in my bones every moment of every day. When I watch you sleeping, the curl of your lip when you’re pleased, when the light catches your hair and when the evening breeze brushes past you filling the air with your sweet scent. When you’re playing with Em, tossing her in the air and she giggles with such excitement and as you read to Bree at night, or teach her one of the many things she has learned since we first came here. When you place your warm hand on my back, offering me the protection of your body as you did from the first moment I saw you. The way you try to reassure me that everything will be all right, even when you know it won’t be._

_You once promised me that I would never be alone again. I hadn’t realised then just how much I needed you. I’ve never needed anyone so much in my life. You are the air in my lungs, the beat of my heart and the courage in every step that I take. When I’m not with you I struggle to breath, to be. You are the other half of me, the half that makes ‘being’ possible and I know you well enough to know that I am yours._

_You are a stubborn Scot James Fraser and I’m glad of it. Always knowing what we meant to each other, would mean to each other, even when in those early days I fought so hard against it. You have saved me time and again from myself and other dangers too vile to mention. Damn you James Fraser. I hated you that day you sent me back through the stones, for making me endure the pain of knowing that my heart was gone. But you were right._

_You have given me so much. You have given me a home, a sister, a brother and a family that I never thought I would ever have, somewhere to belong to. Someone to care for me and who I could care for in return. You’ve given me hope, love and life itself. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. If you’d asked me, I would have told you that I could die happy. And then James Fraser, you gave me the gift of our daughter._

_I think you may be right, I know you are although it scares me so. Not to be with child, of that I am most pleased, but to be with child again so soon after Elizabeth. She’s barely four months old, if anything should happen… The thought of having to leave you now as you prepare to head for the lowlands is hard enough, but to think that I must leave you again so soon after you return. I can’t bare the thought of it…._

 

Jamie paused, pushing the tears aside that threatened to return as he tried to swallow the hard lump in his throat. He had been so excited about the bairn that he hadn’t stop to think about how Claire was feeling, and damn her if she wasn’t right. He felt the guilt of selfishness as he wiped the moisture from his eyes and read on.

 

_… Still, I will take the gift that you have given me and hold onto your strength and your courage. I will push aside my fears and take joy in the little moments that we make together, whatever may come. I hope for just one thing Jamie. You have given me three fine young daughters as perfect as any I could ever have wished for, so I pray that this may be a son. Tall and handsome like his father with your kind and gentle spirit. A son who will one day be a man who will love and care for a woman as perfectly as you have loved and cared for me._

_Hurray home to me James Fraser, I can’t wait till the moment I can hold you in my arms again and feel your flesh against my own._

_Always. Mrs Claire Fraser_

_Your Sassenach._

Jamie held the letter tight in his hand, trying to imagine Claire’s face as she wrote it. The pain of homesickness overcoming him once again. She was his spirit as he was hers and it never felt right when they were apart. He longed to be with her again. Jamie pulled out the other two pieces of paper that she had enclosed with the letter and stared at them, recalling vivid memories.

 

_I have enclosed some sketches that I made for you, a little piece of home to keep you company while you are gone. Until we see you again, be well my love._

The first was a picture of Bree on a horse, he was standing beside her holding the reigns. The details were so perfect that he could recall the moment intricately, he could see the flush of Bree’s cheeks as her muscles clenched firm from extended beaming. The second was from a moment not so long ago, he was sitting in the parlour by the fire, holding Em in his arms as he watched her sleep. Staring at the photos he imagined he was back there with them, the fire warming his face as he held Em tight and read to Bree, Claire on the sofa watching him as she tried to mend some garment or simply watched on, trying not to fall asleep exhausted from the daily events. The vision was always the same, but there was a new element now, Claire’s hand resting softly on her belly, a bright smile on her face as she felt their newest bairn move within her. The image left him with a peaceful feeling and he let himself drift off to sleep, their images held safely within his dreams.

 

JAMMF

It was late August, the days we still so warm and inviting as the summer sun shone its brightest. I busied myself planting new herbs and tending to my garden. The feel of the fresh cool dirt under my hands was soothing as the scent of freshly planted herbs filled the air with their pleasant aromas. Thyme, Rosemary, Mint, Sage, too many to mention. The heat of the day was yet to come and I wanted to get the garden sorted before it was too warm to be out in the yard. Fergus had insisted that I stay indoors so as not too tire myself out in the heat and I had been forced to drink a glass of water on an almost hourly basis. I began to feel more like a water storage unit and had taken to taking a few sips then tossing out the rest when he wasn’t looking. Fergus and Bree were in the stables at present, tending to the horses. Bree woke each morning eager to start her chores and I was under her explicit orders to tell Jamie that she had looked after the horses just as he had asked her to as soon as he returned.

Jenny had taken the opportunity that the warm day brought with it, to wash out the heavier blankets and the bedding. She had a procession of maid servants and assorted tenants helping her out. All my attempts to help had been met with stern disapproval. Maggie and Katherine did their bit, gathering the lighter items and hanging them up on the various make shift lines that had been strung up around the courtyard. I watched them, smiling as I thought of Bree, more like her father at home in the stables than her aunt at home with the housework. I wondered if she weren’t like me after all, domestically challenged, and if I shouldn’t insist that she help her aunt and cousins out so that she might learn a skill or two.

“I said No!” I could hear the frustration in Fergus’s voice, and not for the first time, as he tried to reason with her. I didn’t envy him, with her father’s stubborn spirit Bree was almost seven going on seventeen. He tried to be patient with her, not to overstep his boundaries of politeness, but there was only so much one could take and I sneakily wondered how far he would let it go. I had never heard Fergus lose his temper, but like all men and women, I knew it had to be in there somewhere.   

“Please Fergus, just for a moment. I won’t ride her anywhere I promise.” Bree begged.

“No Milady. Milord will not approve at all.” Fergus insisted strongly as they came around the corner. “I will not let you do it and that’s final.”  
“You’re not the boss of me.” She called out after him, throwing a pile of horse apples at his head. He stopped, bit his lip to cool his temper and turned around.

“Yes I am. Your da put me in charge, ordered me to protect you and milady and that’s what I’m trying to do.”  
“You’re just being mean and I’m going to tell da when he returns.”  
“Brianna!” I wouldn’t tolerate her being rude, and certainly not to Fergus. “Fergus is right. It’s too dangerous. Your da told you that the horse wasn’t ready. You promised you wouldn’t ride her till he returned. Do you mean to break your promise to your da?”  
“Oh no ma.” Bree seemed thoroughly offended by the idea. “I only meant to sit on her a while. I wasna going to leave the yard.”  
“You made a promise and that’s final.” I warned her, “Now apologise to Fergus.” I could see Fergus standing taller, his position vindicated as Brianna stood before him, all the wind gone out of her sails as she scuffed her feet in the pebbles beneath them.

“Sorry.” She said softly.

“I don’t think so young lady, try again.”

“I’m sorry Fergus.” She said looking at me for approval, “I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way.”

“It’s all right Milady, but please.” He looked as much to me as to Brianna, “Milord put me in charge of your safety and I would hate to have failed him when he returns.”  
“I understand Fergus.” I bowed to him, and I sensed him shift uneasily where he stood, “We will follow your lead, wont we Brianna.”  
“Yes ma.” She bowed, looking at me.

“Jamie did right to put you in charge Fergus.” I assured him, “You’re doing a fine job.” He smiled at me, pleased with the good report of his character.

“Please sit Milady, you look warm.” He said noting my flushed complexion from leaning over in the garden for so long. Fergus took my arm, escorting me to the step where Em and young Ian lay in their baskets, soaking up their essential vitamins. I hadn’t been sitting long when a rider approached, it was young William McCreary and he looked like he had the devil behind him. My heart sank, but I steadied my nerves and stood up, walking over to greet him as he brought his horse to a stop and dismounted abruptly.

“Mistress Fraser.” He bowed, addressing me directly, “I’ve got news from Mr Fraser.” He held out a sealed letter and my hand shook as I extended my own hand out to take it. Jenny was beside me now, looking over my shoulder and I felt her sharp inhale as I turned the letter over and opened the seal.

 

“Milady?” Fergus asked, appearing with a tray of drinks and setting them down on the step beside us, “Is everything all right?” I felt Jenny relax beside me as a smile crept across my face.

“Yes Fergus. Everything is all right.” I read the letter again, making sure I hadn’t misread the message. It was short, but it was most welcome;

 

_My dearest Sassenach,_

_The journey was much longer than we had expected and I had hoped to write to you sooner. We made it to our destination late last night and have secured the merchandise as expected. We are all in sore need of a long bath and a good meal but we are well. Tell Jenny that Ian and young Jamie are in good spirits._

_I read your letter every night and I can’t wait till the moment that I can reply to you in person. Until then mo nighean donn, keep well, listen to Fergus and I will see you soon. Give my love to the bairns, all of them, and to Jenny. Stay out of the trees and try not to fash._

_Now and Always,_

_J_

 

“Last night.” I read aloud, “The letter was dated six days ago, that meant it had taken them ten days to get there instead of the anticipated seven.” I looked to Jenny, who was relieved to hear that he was all right.  
“Aye, they’ll have had a slow run of it then.” Jenny added, “Still, the journey back will be far easier. They’ll not have the cattle to contend with.”

I tried to do the math in my head, ten days there, six days since they had arrived. They had been gone sixteen days. Jamie had estimated they would need to stay a week to secure the deal and see the details were taken care of. That would be another seven days all going to plan, and then it was a five day journey back at least. Twenty six days, he would be gone almost a whole month.  

“Come.” Jenny took William aside as I sat down to read the letter again, “You’ll have had a hard ride.” She said offering him one of the drinks on the tray as Fergus thrust another into my hands. I felt the twin pains of relief that he was safe and agony that he would be gone longer than we had planned, it was only another two weeks till he was home but it felt like an eternity.

“Yes ma’am. The messenger arrived two days ago, Mister Fraser sent explicit instructions to deliver the letter as soon as possible so I thought it best not to delay.” William announced proudly, certain he’d done the right thing by his Laird.

“You did a braw job William. Come inside and have a bite to eat, I think ye’ve earned it.”

   
 

JAMMF

 

William looked exhausted, eating most of the bannock Jenny had given him in a single mouthful, Jenny subtly placed the entire plate of bannocks in front of him and the ladle of fresh honey. Maggie fetched William a glass of water and handed it to him, then took a seat opposite, watching him eat with fascination.

“You rode the whole way?” Maggie asked with astonishment, “In a single session. Didn’t you stop to sleep?”  
“No Mistress. Not for more than an hour here or there when I couldna hold the reigns anymore.” He held out his hands, red raw from the leather. I went upstairs and fetched my medical box and came back with some soothing ointment.

“Uncle Jamie will be most pleased.” Maggie assured him as she grinned at him from across the table.

“Here.” I took his hands, one at a time and rubbed the ointment into them. He flinched at first, but didn’t pull away. I noticed he was watching Maggie as intently as she was watching him.

“Oh he can’t ride back like that ma, and it’s already so warm outside.” Maggie knew it too I realised. “He should rest a while, I could make up Jamie’s bed in the nursery. He wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh Aye.” Jenny grinned at her daughter, Maggies intentions quite clear, “No. I suppose he wouldn’t.” Jenny added. Maggie was young, barely nine and William only eleven, but it was a fine match and there was plenty of time before Jenny Murray truly had to worry about such things. This was just the first stage of innocent puppy love, but I would keep an eye on them just to be sure. Jenny looked to me for sympathy and then back at her daughter. “He can stay here for the night. But his ma will be worried so he will have to be on his way in the morning.” Jenny said firmly.   
“Oh thank ye ma.” Maggie hugged her mother tightly around her swollen waist as William blushed shyly at the table.

“He can sleep in the barn with Fergus and Rabbie.” Jenny added, a touch of the victory vanishing from Maggies face. “It’s not proper for him to be sleeping in the nursery with you wee girls, not being kin and all.”  
“Oh yes ma.” Maggie nodded in affirmation, pleased to have her friend staying for the afternoon.

I found myself wondering how Jamie might have handled the matter if it had been Bree who had asked instead of Maggie. A smile flashing across my face as I thought of William, white as a ghost under Jamie’s watchful stare, sleeping with the horses as Jamie, and most likely Fergus, kept watch over him all night long. The poor lad would never sleep a wink let alone find the courage to look at a girl ever again once Jamie was through with him.


	22. Waiting Is The Hardest Part

** Chapter 22: Waiting is the hardest part **

 

“Fergus. What’s wrong?” I had woken early, Jamie was due home any day and I found the anticipation that had built up inside of me made it difficult to sleep for any length of time. His image filled my dreams and I could still smell his musky scent in the room around me. I had intended on going downstairs for a quick walk before breakfast, Em was still asleep in our room and Brianna was already up and playing with her cousins. But as I made my way down the stairs, I saw Fergus, in a heated discussion with one of the other tenants of the estate. It was too early in the day to be a social call, and there was an air of tension in Fergus’s voice.

“It is nothing Milady, do not trouble yourself.”  
“Fergus.” I said sternly, “Do not lie to me. Somethings wrong and I want to know what it is.” He looked at me, now by his side, and the tenant whom I recognised as Old Bill hung his head and avoided eye contact. “Now please.” I insisted cutting through the silence.

“We’ve lost another three sheep ma’am.” Old Bill nodded apologetically. “Last night. That makes five this week.”

“Five? Lost? How? Are there fences down?” Why hadn’t Fergus told me about this sooner?

“Oh no ma’am, they’ve…” Fergus shot him a warning glare sharp enough to cut stone and Old Bill stopped mid sentence.

“I think it’s time you told me what was going on Fergus.” I said gripping his arm tightly as I would have Bree’s if she was in trouble, “All of it, now.” Fergus looked angered at first, and then he beamed red with a tinge of embarrassment.   
“They’ve been taken Milady.” Fergus confirmed, “I didna want to frighten you, but there may be someone camped out near the north border. I have sent men up to keep an eye on it.”  
“Do you know who they are?” I asked a little alarmed. If they figured out that all the men had left and that we were vulnerable, then they could raid the house for anything else they wanted as well.

“No. Most likely drifters, they’ll stay for a few nights have a feed and then move on. I am sorry Milady” He added regretfully, “I did not want to trouble you with this, in your condition.” Fergus laid a hand on his own stomach and bowed, “I will send for Milord at once.”

“You will do no such thing.” I stopped him, “I trust that you are right and that they will move on in a day or two. Has there been any other sign of them, closer to the house I mean?”

“Oh no Mistress Fraser.” Old Bill added more confidently, “Just a few carcases left about in the top fields.”

“Then carry one with your watch duties. If anything changes then let us know immediately. I see no reason to trouble Milord when he is due home in a few days anyway.”  
“But he will want to know Milady. I should have sent word already. He will be most furious.”  
“You leave Jamie to me.” I nodded to Fergus,

“Are we in danger ma?” Bree asked as she joined us in the main hall and clung to my skirt. “Fergus said da would be mad. What’s happened?”  
“Nothing to worry about. We’ve just lost some sheep is all. Da will fix it all up when he gets home.”  
“When will that be?” She asked looking up at me with anticipation.

“Soon.” I promised her, “Soon.”

“Begging ye pardon Mistress.” Old Bill bowed, “I best be tending to the flock.”  
“Yes, of course.” I excused him.

“I will come with you.” Fergus nodded, grabbing one of Jamie’s pistols from the sideboard nearby were he kept one ready just in case. “Just to be sure.”  
“It will be all right.” I promised him, and I watched as Fergus stopped, turned and smiled at me.

“Of course it will Milady, like I told you nothing to worry about.” Then he stood a little taller, and his voice raised a few levels as he ordered, “Stay here and don’t do anything while I’m gone. I’ll be back soon.”  


 

JAMMF

 

I hadn’t realised it as I sat reading in the parlour by the fire, but the afternoon had already approached and it was almost three in the evening. Bree had been playing in the room with the wooden horse Jamie had given her for her birthday, galloping it around Em as she lay on the floor, Em a prisoner held hostage by the evil queen. So I was surprised when I looked up from my book and found Em staring at the roof with no sign of her sister to be found. I could hear the other children laughing and talking in the kitchen nearby. Distracted by the rumblings in my own stomach, I picked Em up off of the floor and went to go and find something to eat. Fergus hadn’t returned, but it wasn’t time to worry yet. I knew he would want to check the nearby woods for himself and ride the other boundaries to check for any other breeches. He could be gone till after dark or even the next morning if he camped out somewhere, Lallybroch after all was a very modest estate. 

“Bree.” I began as I rounded the corner into the kitchen. Jenny was teaching Maggie how to bake a rabbit pie and there was flour over their clothes and faces from some hilarious mishap that had them all in giggles. “Bree.” I called out again when she didn’t answer.

“She’s not here Claire. Isn’t she in the parlour with you?” Jenny asked looking up from her pastry.  
“No. I just came from there.” I felt my heart race and a sense of panic began to overwhelm me. I stepped out into the main hall and called out louder “Bree, Bree where are you?” I watched Jenny, her face changing from one of slight interest to concern as the house remained silent. “Bree!” Jenny put down the rolling pin and came by my side at once, it wasn’t like Bree to go off on her own, not like this.

“She’s probably just fallen asleep somewhere.” Jenny tried to assure me, but I could see the tension in her neck muscles, as strong as Jamie’s when he was worried and I realised that she was worried to. Now my heart truly raced.

“Girls, go and check around the house.” Jenny ordered Maggie and Katherine, “See if you can find her. Mrs Crook stepped forward and grabbed Em from my arms, placing her in the basket beside young Ian. “Come.” Jenny grabbed my arm and led me outside, “Let’s check outside ourselves, she’ll not have gone far.”

“This is all my fault.” I rambled, “I should have been paying more attention. Jamie will never forgive me.” I would never forgive myself. I felt an awful hollowness in the pit of my stomach and an overwhelming sense of dread.  
“Nonsense. You can’t watch bairns all the time. Even when you do they find ways of slipping out of ye sight. It’s just what they do.” Jenny’s eyes darted in and out of every hollow, like she’d done this search a hundred times before.

“Bree.” I called out again looking towards the front paddock, the barn, the hills. “Where could she be?”

“We’ll find her Claire ye hear, we’ll find her.” Jenny stared me down, not breaking her stare till I nodded back in agreement.

“Did anything happen? Did you have a fight?”  
“No.” I shook my head, “She was playing in the parlour, happily. After Fergus left this morning……” A sickening thought occurred to me and I picked up my skirt and raced towards the stables. “Christ, it’s gone, She’s taken the horse.” I shouted.  
“She wouldn’t have.” Jenny tried to dismiss the idea.  
“Oh yes she would have. She is a bloody Fraser after all, just like her father. Christ where is she?” I looked around, which direction had she gone?

“She’ll be with Fergus then. Ye said it yourself she’s her father’s daughter, she follows in his footsteps as much as Fergus does. The two of them will be up there, tending to the situation just as Jamie would.” I could tell that she had reservations, her shoulders remained tight and she stared uselessly towards the north paddocks. “And what do you think you’re doing?” Jenny asked, snatching the reigns from my hands and stamping her foot in strong disapproval.

“I need to go after her. I need to know she’s safe.”  
“Not in your condition ye not. Jamie would tan ye hide if he knew what you were after.”

“Well you can’t go.” I may have been almost four months pregnant, but Jenny was closer to seven and there was no way she was getting on a horse any time soon. “I need to know Jenny.” I pleaded.

“I’ll send one of the men up. It won’t take him more than an hour or two to get there and back and full gallop.”

“It will be dark by then.” I protested.   
“Aye, and no place for a woman with bairn on horseback. Don’t be foolish Claire.” Damn it, she was right. I was faced yet again with having to choose which of my children I tended to first. Brianna may need my help, or she may be safe, there was no way of knowing. If something had happened to Brianna, and I forced the feeling that it had deep down into the pit of my stomach, then it would do Jamie more harm to put myself and the baby in danger also. He would never survive losing all three of us like that.

“Who will you send?” I asked, stepping back from the horse. She gestured for Maggie to come closer and placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Go and fetch Mr McNeil.” She urged Maggie, “And hurry.”

 

JAMMF

I paced back and forth on the front step. My legs ached and my back twinged from too many hours on my feet and the hard stone ground. I had too much nervous energy to stay put, I wanted to see her, to hold her in my arms, to yell at her for scaring me so and to lock her safe in her room till she was old enough to marry. Jenny kept me company, churning the butter in the bowl beside me as we both kept watch on the road ahead. The light was fading fast and I knew that in less than an hour it would be too dark to see and I prayed that she would be safe and warm. I cursed Jamie for not being here and I cursed myself for being so neglectful.

Suddenly, I could hear the familiar sound of hooves on the dry pebbles underfoot and spun around to see Fergus approaching from the North. I started to race to him, then realised that he was alone. “Fergus, where is she? Where’s Bree?”  
“I don’t know Milady. I came as quick as I could.” He was out of breath and his horse breathed heavily.  
“She’s not with you?”  
“No I havena seen her.” He apologised, “I will water my horse and go look for her right away.” I felt my knees go weak, and Jenny’s arm softly grabbing my elbow. I had put so much faith in the thought that she was safe with Fergus that all other considerations were too much to bare. I raised a protective hand to my stomach, I wanted to be sick.

“Claire?” Jenny asked concerned.

“Look mama.” Maggie and Katherine had joined us, and Maggie now pointed to a cloud of dust approaching from the south. Kicked up by what was certainly a group of men on horseback. I thought I would faint, Jamie had made it home just in time and all my walls were coming down.

“Maggie get your aunt a glass of water.” Jenny ordered as I struggled to remain upright. I tried to step forward, to greet Jamie, but Jenny held me tightly in place. It wasn’t until the first of the riders came around the corner that I felt her tense up beside me, my own body stiffening with fear. They rode with such furious pace and as they stormed their way into the front yard I was glad that the bairns hadn’t been outside playing. They would have been trampled. Jenny stood straight and pulled me around behind her, taking the lead. She motioned for Fergus to stay back, and I felt him take my right arm as Jenny let go of my left and the world started spinning.

“Go into the house.” I whispered to Katherine, “And stay there.”

 

JAMMF

“Good evening Sir.” Jenny greeted the men in a polite, but clearly unimpressed tone, “The hour is rather late. What can we do for you?”  
“We are looking for a James Fraser. Is he present ma’am?”  
“I’m Jenny Murray, his sister. I’m afraid he isn’t in right now, we’ve had some trouble in the fields and he’ll not be due back for hours.” There were ten men in total, all clearly well armed.

“That is most unfortunate.” He looked down at her from where he sat atop his horse. An irritated scowl on his face, and an air about him which made it quite clear that he disliked having to be anywhere near the highlands at all.

“May I ask sir.” Jenny hid her tremor well, but like Jamie I could see the muscles of her neck tighten as she sensed the hostile attitude of their visitor, “What business do you have with my brother?”

“My name is Captain Charles Wilmington the Third and I am here to right a wrong ma’am.”

“A wrong?” Jenny replied as my heart sank. I felt Fergus’s nails grip into my arm as he tried to keep me upright. I looked up, seeing the men before me clearer now. I recognised one or two of them. They had been here only a month earlier. I began to step forward, to offer our hospitality like last time they had come, but the young man on horseback behind the captain, fair skinned and blonde, shook his head slightly and urged me back. ‘Danger’ his eyes warned me ‘Watch your step’. Jenny saw it too. The last time we had seen them the men had been carefree and in good spirit, now they looked broken and, yes, afraid. They were afraid. But of what? I took a deep breath, and stepped forward to stand beside Jenny.

“I am Mrs Fraser, James Frasers wife. May I help you in any way?” I asked cautiously as Fergus kept his place behind me.

“We need to speak to your husband.” Captain Wilmington repeated himself, frustratingly, “About a matter of some importance. It would seem that a large herd of cattle was seeing leaving from this direction several weeks ago and although I am informed that your husband is a friend of the crown and would not be caught up in such, treachery, his absence here makes me question whether or not he may truly have had something to do with it.” The venom in this mans words was clear, he was no friend. The last bit of strength that I had began to fade and I felt my legs buckle. Jenny caught me and Fergus stepped forward, I grabbed his arm to stop him, feeling the tirade of French vulgarity about to leave his lips.

“Are you ill ma’am?” Second Lieutenant Johnston asked concerned as he dismounted his horse and came by my side.

“She is with child.” Fergus warned him, not allowing Johnston to take my arm from him. “Her other daughter Brianna is missing. Milady is in shock, she must rest.”

“Brianna is missing?” Lt Johnstone lost all formality and received a stern warning from his Captain not to let it happen again.

“Yes.” I answered him, the concern in his eyes calmed me a little, I didn’t know why. “She took off on her horse, she’s not a good rider she could be anywhere.”

“That will be enough Lieutenant.” The Captain ordered.

“But if we can help sir. These are good people.” He insisted.

“Return to your mount at once.” The Captain ordered him again. “I know very well who they are and if my suspicions are correct Red Jamie is behind all of this.” Wilmington looked around the yard, looking for any sign that he was right. “Once a traitor, always a traitor.”

“Jamie is not a traitor.” I bit back at him, my frustration and nervous energy finding it’s release. “He is a kind and loving man who just wants to look after his people.”

“And I know you as well.” The captain stared me down, “You were there, I heard the stories they told of you. You’re just as big a traitor as he is.” I felt Jenny grip my arm as I took a step forward, the anger rising within me.

“Please.” Jenny interrupted, stopping me from saying anything that I would regret. “There is a child missing and it’s getting late. Can you help us find her?”

“She was on a horse you say?” Lieutenant Johnston stopped a moment and looked behind him to the back of the pack.

“Oh my god.” I screamed running over to it. “That’s Bree’s horse. Oh god where did you find it?” It was saddled, clean and not a mark on it, but there was no rider.

“A few miles south of here, by the road. It looks like it’s rider was thrown.” He said hesitantly. I shook my head, looking first at him, then Jenny and then at the horse.

“No.” I shook my head, “NO!” Instinctively I grabbed the horse, put my foot in the stirrup and mounted it one motion. I needed to find her.

“What do you think you are doing? That’s crown property.” The Captain turned his horse and faced me straight on. “Get off this minute or I will have you for thievery.”  
“But the horse belongs to Milady.” Fergus stood between us now, the small Frenchman in between a Mexican standoff with two mounted and determined riders.

“Claire.” Jenny warned me, moving to stand beside Fergus. “Don’t be daft.”

“She could be injured, I have to.” I shook my head, and I thought I noticed Lt Johnston nod in sympathy, or approval. “Please Captain.” I begged, “She’s only seven.”

“You will not. For all I know you are running off to warn your husband that I am here.”

“She’s my daughter.” I pleaded.

“You will stay here where I can keep an eye on you until your husband returns and that is final.” Wilmington took out his pistol and primed it, aiming it straight at me, “Now get down from the horse this instant.”

“Please ma’am.” The fear had returned to Johnston’s eyes as he begged me to do as I was told.

“You wouldn’t.” Jenny questioned him, “She’s with child, let her go, you have us.”

“Do not presume to order me about madam, after all I could take you all into custody right now for treachery to the crown.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Jenny warned him, as Captain Wilmington swiftly bent down and struck her across the cheek. Fergus caught her, and she stood up, defiant as she stared him down, no sign that it had caused her any pain other than the red welt on her face. Fergus let out a few select curses and the found the pistol aimed between his eyes.

“Say that again.” Wilmington warned Fergus as he looked through his sight.

“You wouldn’t, he’s an English subject, you can’t just murder him.” My heart raced, he truly meant to kill Fergus.  
“He’s French.” Wilmington corrected, “And he is consorting with known traitors.”

I watched as Wilmington pulled pack the trigger slowly and smiled. Fergus pulled Jenny behind him and stood up, facing the situation like a man without fear. My hands shook violently, helpless to stop it.

“Ma.” Maggie cried out as she raced from the front step where she had been watching and over to her mother. Startled, Wilmington looked to the blurred image that was rushing towards him and fired.

“Nooooo!” Jenny screamed hysterically as the horse beneath me reared up onto its hind legs, spooked by the sound of gunfire. Everything happened so fast as I saw a flash of red glistening in the late afternoon sun over my left shoulder and then felt the sensation of flying through the air, hitting the ground with such force, that everything went black.                                                  


	23. Vengence

** Chapter 23: Vengeance. **

 

“Claire!” I screamed, the panic that rose within me catching her name in my throat as I kicked the horse to go faster, “What in the name of holy hell was going on?”

“Christ Jenny.” Ian cursed beside me as we urged our already tired bodies and horses to close the gap between us and the ones we loved with haste. I saw the red coats, but I didn’t recognise the man at the front, a Captain by the looks of it, with his pistol aimed directly at Jenny and Fergus who stood before the familiar horse. Christ woman, what was she doing on Bree’s horse, and where was Bree?

I felt my muscles tense, the fatigue I had felt moments ago replaced with an intense feeling of power and speed. Something told me that there was no time to waste. As I got closer, I could see the fear in Claire’s eyes, the resolution in Fergus’s face. The English bastard actually intended to shoot him. “Hide.” I ordered Murtagh, “But stay close.” I didn’t stop to see if he had followed my orders. The flash of blue running across the front of the horses held my attention as the sound of gunfire echoed through the field.

“Noooo!” Ian cried out as he tried to will himself closer to her.

Blessed Michael, tell me I wasn’t seeing this. “Claire!” I was too far away, I couldn’t get to her in time. I watched helplessly as her horse reared up and she was thrown to the ground. I felt a stabbing pain shoot through my heart and an intense rage overcome me. The bastards were going to pay. And if she was harmed in anyway, heaven help them if they thought they were walking out of this alive.

 

“Claire?” I was off of my horse before it had even come to a halt. “Get ye hands off of her.” I shouted to the Englishman who was crowding over the top of her. I slid across the hard stones beneath me and scooped her up into my arms. “Claire.” She didn’t respond, she was still, motionless, she was barely breathing. I shook her hard, trying to wake her up “Mo nighean donn? Open ye eyes Sassenach, dear god please open ye eyes.”

“You mustn’t do that.” The Englishman, Johnston I realised, tried to take her from me. “She may have a neck injury you need to keep her still.”

“Get your filthy hands off of her.” God, please don’t let her be dead I prayed.

“Oh god.” I heard Jenny cry over my shoulder. Ian stood behind us, carrying Ferus’s weight as he nursed a gunshot wound to the shoulder. Fergus had flung himself in front of Maggie just in time and young Maggie was now safely in the arms of young Jamie and Mrs Crook.

“Milady, Is she….” Fergus asked hesitantly.  
“No.” Johnston replied calmly as he looked at me. I looked her over from head to toe, there was no sign of life in her. I felt my jaw clench and my fist curl into a tight ball. I stood up and took a step back.

“You!” The look I gave Wilmington would have been enough to frighten the dead. “You did this.” What I wouldn’t give to have my sword right now.

“Go.” Jenny pushed the lieutenant away, “Get them out of here, Go, before he kills someone.” Johnston hesitated, then looking at Jamie he realised that it wasn’t an idle threat. If Jamie killed a British Soldier he’d be hanged for sure.

“I take it you are James Fraser.” The Captain didn’t back down and began to press his own agenda. “And where have you been?”  
“I told you.” Jenny yelled back, still cradling Claire in her arms, “He’s been up in the north field trying to find the missing sheep.” She looked at the lieutenant again, “Get him out of here.” She whispered.

“Sir.” Johnston began trying to mediate the situation, “I don’t think this is the time.” He knew he was second guessing his captain but he also knew Fraser, neither man would back down on their own. “I think it may be best if we come back another day.”  
“No!” Jamie approached the captains horse, “You’ll pay for this. I’ll kill you, you rutting bastard.” He threatened Wilmington, reaching up to pull the captain off his horse. The captain got a good boot into Jamie’s face, but the horse moved and Jamie yanked the captain off by the back of his coat. Scrambling to his feet, Jamie found himself being held back by Ian and Murtagh as Johnston held back his captain.

“Sir, I really must insist. This is not in our best interests. General Flint will not be pleased.”

“It’s my word against his.” Wilmington argued eager to begin the fight.

“And all these witnesses. Let them tend to their wounded.” And dear god Johnston thought to himself, don’t let the woman die. Captain Wilmington looked around at the growing crowd and at the enraged Scot before him, things had gone disastrously wrong and there would be hell to pay once his superiors found out. The British army was no place for personal vendettas.  

“Let him go Jamie.” Ian urged me, “Claire needs ye.”

“If anything happens to her.”

“Aye, I ken.” Murtagh pushed me back from the fight another inch. “Take her inside, she’s not lost yet lad.” He counselled me as I watched the captain pick up his hat and remount his horse, as I stood still fighting against Ian and my godfather. I had a primal urge to tear Wilmington’s flesh to the bone.

“I’ll be back.” Wilmington warned me being escorted away at great haste by his men.

“And I’ll be waiting.” I threatened him back. This wasn’t over yet, not by a long shot.

 

JAMMF

“Claire?” I was at her side again in no time. She looked so lifeless, so distant. She flopped in my arms like a rag doll as I picked her up and I had to lean her in towards me so that I wouldn’t drop her. How desperately I ached to see the faintest hint of a smile, or to feel her flinch against my embrace.

“Where’s Bree?” I asked Jenny as I entered the house and began to make my way up the stairs, noting the panicked look between Jenny and Fergus. “Is she safe?”

“Aye.” Jenny nodded, grabbing Ian and pulling him aside. Fergus, still bleeding from a wound of his own followed closely behind, opening the door as I walked through. I wasted no time in settling Claire gently on the bed. I brushed the hair from her face and watched as she lay there, peaceful like she was just sleeping. “Jenny” I called out to the rooms below. “I need a cloth and some water.” I added trying to brush back more of her hair as I felt through her tight auburn curls for any sign of blood. I had seen men fall from their horses before, their heads split open like a chunk of wood and blood seeping from their wounds. Sometimes they lived, but often they succumbed to their injures, or lived wishing that they had.

“I will get it Milord.” Fergus stood up to fetch what I had asked for, but I put a hand out and stopped him.

“You will not.” I said, gesturing for him to sit back in the chair by the fireplace. “It was a brave thing you did lad. You saved Maggie’s life, countless others too by the looks of it. I am in your debt.”

“No Milord, I failed you. I should never have angered the Englishman.”  
“The Englishman is at fault Fergus, not you.” I watched, her fingers, her lips, her chest for any sign that she might wake up and tell me that everything was going to be all right. But she didn’t. “What was she doing on that bloody horse in the first place?” I asked myself as I began to remove her clothing so I could check her over more thoroughly.

“The English found it, they were going to keep it.”  
“Found it. Where?” why hadn’t it been in the stables, and what would make Claire risk riding in her condition. “Where’s Bree?” I asked again as I noticed the blood drain from Fergus’s face as he stood before me, shuddering trying to find the words.

“She’s missing.” Murtagh spoke for him as he stood in the doorway.

“Missing.” Christ. What on earth had happened here? I picked up my coat to go after her, then looked at Claire, injured and unconscious on the bed before me.   
“Since this afternoon. Ian and I will go looking for her.” Murtagh continued, “You stay and watch over Claire. We’ll find ye lass for ye.” Murtagh bowed and took his dirk in his hand, “I swear it.”

I couldn’t find the words, everything was so out of control and I felt so helpless. “She’ll be all right lad.” Murtagh assured me, “They both will.”

“Thank you.” I finally managed to say, “And be careful. That Wilmington is a cunning wee bastard.”

“Aye. I’ll not be letting that one sneak up on me. That’s for sure.” He nodded his farewell, “I’ll say a prayer for her.” Murtagh promised as he turned and left to find Bree.

 

Jenny almost ran straight into him as she appeared with the bowl of warm water and a rag. She looked warn out and her hands were shaking, but she moved with all the authority that I had seen Claire use during the war, when there were men to be tended to and work to be done. “Shaw.” I said taking the bowl to from her hand, “See to Fergus. The wee lad looks like he’s about to faint.” And he did, pale and limp in the chair, he had lost a lot of blood from his shoulder and the bullet was most likely still lodged inside. What he wouldn’t give to be able to speak with Claire. She would know what to do. I wiped the dirt from her face and ran my fingers through her hair. To my relief there was no sign of any blood, or any injury. Carefully untying the laces of her corset, I removed her outer garments, skirts and all, until she was dressed only in her shift for modesty. I couldn’t find a mark on her, no sign of anything that I could stitch up, or cleanse or bandage. As my hand hovered over the small swell in her belly that wasn’t there before I left I felt a momentary relief. She hadn’t started bleeding, and she had fallen flat on her back, “Christ” I prayed, “Let the child be all right.” Maybe she just needed some time. I had seen men, and children fall from great heights, sleep for a few hours and then wake up as if nothing had happened. Perhaps that’s all she needed, some time? I pulled the covers back over her and knelt down beside the bed, my hands clasped in prayer, I closed my eyes and began to recite every prayer I knew, papist, Christian, Gaelic it didn’t matter. As long as it brought her back to me. Jenny tended to Fergus’s wounds, and then came to sit by the other side of the bed, praying with me.

 

JAMMF

“I can’t lose you, not now, not like this mo nighean donn.” I begged hours later as she lay as still on the sheets as she had when I first laid her on them. “If you leave me now I’ll never forgive you.” I felt a tear fall from my face and watched it hit the sheets below. I didn’t care who saw it. I prayed that Murtagh would find Bree safe, that Claire would wake up, that the child wouldn’t come too soon. Lost in thought I almost hadn’t heard the commotion in the hall below, Jenny was screaming at someone and I heard Ian raise his voice as well. It had been a long day for all of us. I looked across to where Claire’s medicine box sat open on the bench by the window and reached out to pull it closer. I picked up a few of the bottles and read the labels. “God Sassenach, what I wouldn’t give to have you here, to tell me what I can do to make you better.” I looked through her notes, trying to find some direction and found the bottle of ‘milk of the poppy’ that she had given Mary when she was ill. “Maybe some of this might help.” I looked at it again and rolled it around in my hands. “But what if I make ye worse? Damn it.” I cursed a little louder than I had intended, “Open your rutting eyes Sassenach and tell me what to do.”

“I can help with that.” Johnston stood in the doorway, staring in turn from me to Claire. Fergus asleep in the chair by the fire.

“What in the name are you doing here?” I asked, the sight of his uniform stirring up the rage within me again.  
 “I mean you no harm.” He nodded, not moving to enter until invited, “But I have some medical knowledge and I thought I might be of assistance.” Johnston looked towards the medicine box and I knew the desperation I felt was plainly written on my face. “I wouldn’t give her that, not if she has a head injury.”

“Then what?” I asked, as he stepped forward cautiously. He stepped towards Claire, I grabbed for my dirk, then stopped, there was no sign of malice in his movements.   

“I found your daughter.” He continued, “She downstairs with her aunt. She is unharmed, a little cold and hungry is all. She got lost in the woods after her horse bolted.” Bree was safe, she was here. I wanted to run to her, but I couldn’t leave him alone with Claire.

“Wilmington?”  
“He doesn’t know I’m here.” Johnston nodded, “He thinks I’m out on patrol.” I watched him, checking her scalp as I had, lifting her eyes and then placing two fingers on the side of her neck and pausing a moment. I’d only ever seen one other person do that. “May I?” He asked, gesturing towards the light covering. I stepped forward, pulled back the covers and watched as he ran his hands carefully over every inch of her. “I can’t feel anything broken.” He said as he began pressing his fingers into her lower abdomen, “And there’s no sign of haemorrhaging, I mean internal bleeding.” I felt an intense urge to throw him across the room for touching her so intimately, so close to my unborn child, but I didn’t. There was something about him. He rolled her over, and checked her back, pressing in certain spots and making short content noises. “I think your wife is a very lucky woman indeed Mr Fraser.”

“Then why won’t she wake up?” I asked, watching as he respectfully placed the covers back over her.

“It’s hard to say. She may have an injury to the head that we can’t see.” He began, hesitant about saying the wrong thing. “Maybe some swelling. It should go down in the next day or two and then with a little luck and some prayer Mrs Fraser should be awake and as good as new.”

“And if she doesn’t?” What if she never woke up?  
“Here.” He reached into her medicine box and pulled out a few bottles of herbs, some that I recognised, some I didn’t. “Try and get her to drink a decoction of this every hour. “She needs to keep her fluids up…”

“Will she loose the child?”  Was that what he was telling me?

“If she hasn’t started bleeding by now, then chances are that the child is safe. I won’t lie to you Mister Fraser, she isn’t out of the woods yet.” He warned me sincerely.

“Thank you.” He had risked a lot to come here, and other than Claire, he was the only other person who knew what needed to be done. In fact, he reminded me a lot of Claire I realised and a thought suddenly struck me. “Lieutenant Johnston.”  
“Yes?” He asked already making his way to the door to leave.

“When was the last time you were at Craig Na Dun?” Johnston’s eyes betrayed him a moment, and he knew it. He tuned, looked towards Claire and then back at me.

“It’s been some time I confess.” He nodded, “Sometimes it feels like another lifetime ago.”

    

JAMMF

“It was almost twenty four hours since he had returned. The household, as large households do, had returned to a degree of normality as maidservants and family went about tending to the animals, preparing meals and minding the children. Even in times of war the daily needs of farm life didn’t cease. He hadn’t moved from her side, his eyes were heavy and his hand ached from where it had gripped hers all night long, his fingers almost numb but he had no intentions of moving anytime soon. Johnston had told him, before he’d left, to talk to her, to massage her hands and feet regularly to ignite the connection between them and to hold her to him. Christ, Johnston, could it be true, was he a traveller too? He felt an odd sense of gratitude to the man, he had shown up knowing exactly what to do just as he had prayed for it the most. Had god really answered his prayers by sending a fellow time traveller to him. What if Johnston hadn’t been here, what would he have done?

“Can ye hear the birds singing mo nighean donn?” Jamie asked, gently rubbing each finger one at a time as she had done after his hand had been broken. He found a small bottle of rose oil in her box and was using that to help glide his fingers over hers. “Bree is safe, she’s home.” He told her for the hundredth time, looking over to the tired red head, asleep on the other side of the mattress, face down with a hand stretched out holding her mother’s shoulder. “She’d love to see you.”

“Eat mo gradh.” Jenny had insisted when she brought up the tray of stuffed cabbages and some fresh rabbit pie, it sat cold and untouched on the table by the window, he couldn’t stomach the thought of eating, his insides felt like a bag of knotted ropes. He’d managed a bit of whiskey though, to help calm his nerves and to keep him awake, not too much lest he fall asleep. He tried to make Claire drink the decoction Johnston had described, but she didn’t even try to swallow it, he’d sit there frustrated as he watched it dribble down the front of her mouth and he would have to wipe it away with a cloth.

“I’ve so much to tell ye.” He continued, “About our journey. We fetched a grand price, just like ye said.” He felt the gold purse in his sporran by his hip, wondering just what that great price had cost him. Jamie put her right hand down and picked up her left, continuing the massage. “I read your letter, every night mo nighean donn and I want ye to know, that you are everything you wrote to me and more. I cannae bear the thought of living without you. I don’t want to. Please don’t make me.”

 

 

“Any change?” Ian asked as he peered in through the doorway,

“No.” I looked up briefly to acknowledge him, he looked like he hadn’t slept in days either. Ian nodded, regretfully, “Jenny has fed Elizabeth. She’s says not to fash about her she’s doing well.”

“Thank you Ian.” I hadn’t even thought about how Em as going to get fed, with Claire ill she would be unable to feed her herself. Ian lingered a moment, then moved on down the hall allowing me my space. He was worried about her, about us, they all were. I squeezed her hand, willing her to squeeze it back. “Blood of my blood, bone of my bone, I give ye my spirit that we may be one….. take my strength mo gradh, find your way back to me.”

 

 

“Milord.” Fergus woke me some time in the middle off the night, “It is late Milord, you must get some rest, I shall watch over her for a while.”

“No Fergus, I know you mean well, but I want to be here when she wakes.”

“Madam Fraser has made a bed for you by the fire” Fergus pointed to the small pallet bed on the floor covered in blankets. “I promise I will call you as soon as there is any change.” I couldn’t remember the last time I had slept; the last time I had ate or the last time I had been able to feel. I was numb from top to bottom, physically and emotionally. I looked to Bree, spread out across the left side of the bed, her old grey rabbit tucked under her arm. Maybe Fergus was right, it wouldn’t do any of us any good if she woke up and needed me and I was too exhausted to do anything about it.

“Maybe just for an hour.” I relented, “But no more ye hear, you wake me up in an hour or I will tan ye hide.”  
“Yes Milord.” Fergus seemed pleased that he had been able to accomplish something that no one else had. I allowed him his small victory and went to rest my head by the fire, pausing to kiss her on the forehead, hoping she’d wake, before I left.

 

JAMMF

I felt the cool breeze brush across my face, and I could feel the warmth of the sun where it shone through the window onto the pillow beside me. Bone weary, I let the sensation linger a moment reaching out beside me where I would usually find her sleeping, before realisation dawned on me and I remembered where I was. I sat up in a flash and pulled the blanket off, “Fergus, Fergus where are you?” I yelled, he certainly wasn’t beside Claire’s bed as he had promised and it was past dawn so I had been asleep for over six hours. “I’ll tan your wee hide.” I bellowed as I stubbed my toe on the side of the pallet and made my way to the bed.

“I’m here Milord.” He came around the corner from the hall, “I had to…. and I didn’t think it was right to do it in front of the Milady.” He apologised.   
“Aye, well…. That doesna explain why you let me sleep so long.”  
“Mistress Murray told me…..”

“Oh she did, did she?” I could just well imagine poor Fergus trying to stand up to my sister, and losing. “Well I’ll see to her.” Claire looked no different to me now than before and my heart sank. I took her hand in mine and resumed my position by the side of the bed. “You may go now, get some rest.” I told Fergus.

“Yes Milord.” He bowed and left reluctantly.

“And Fergus.” I said, nodding to him with gratitude, “Thank you.”

 

I started to brush her hair, still perfect from the last time I had brushed it, but I knew it made her feel better to have clean brushed hair and I thought it couldn’t hurt. It was so soft and bouncy, the curls flowing around her on the bed like a field of wild flowers. “I remember the first time I saw you, your hair flowing about your face just so. The way it caught in the early light, reminding me of the burns and the rivers. I couldn’t wait to call you mo nighean donn, my brown hair lass. I like the way it looks when it’s down all wild and full of spirit, like you. I know you hate it, you’re always cursing your hair when ye brush it, especially after its rained, but I think it’s one of your finer features. Like the way a strand or two will break loose when ye have it all pinned up and the like, like it’s got a mind of its own.” I stopped for a moment “I wonder if the wee lad will have red hair like me and Bree, or brown hair like you and Em?” I stopped brushing her hair, and took her hand in mine, lifting her hand and kissing it softly, one knuckle at a time. “What do you think?” I asked her, caressing her ring finger where my silver ring, the key to Lallybroch, rested above her knuckle.

I felt my pulse quicken and a sudden rush of energy course through my veins, “Claire, mo nighean donn, can ye hear me?” Her hand twitched again and I squeezed it, harder. Her thumb twitched and I saw a flutter in her eyelids. “That’s it mo nighean donn, come back to me, come back to us.” I squeezed again, both hands this time and I felt her inhale deeply. “We’re here Sassenach, you’re not alone, we’re all here for ye.” I had been out cold once or twice before, and I recalled what a frightening experience it can be. She opened her eyes, bright life filled eyes that looked straight into mine. She tried to speak but her mouth was dry, “Shh Claire.” I handed her a sip of whiskey, “You’ve been out a while.” I told her, pulling her into my arms and brushing her hair away from her eyes repeatedly. I kissed her on the lips, gently and she kissed me back.  

“Jamie.” She whispered hoarsely,

“Rest Claire.” I whispered, “You’ve been ill for two days. Do you remember?”

“I fell from a horse?” She asked more than confirmed,

“Aye.” I smiled at her, “Well at least it wasna a tree, they’re a great deal taller.”

“Hmm.” She started to laugh, then stopped as she inhaled sharply.

“What is it?” I placed my hand over her chest where her hand had instinctively guarded.

“Ribs.” She whispered again. “Sore.”

“Johnston said you hadna broken anything, but maybe you’ve a few bruises. They’ll mend in time.” I saw her hand reach to sooth her aches and pains, and then her eyes shot wide in panic and she felt for her stomach. “Dinna fash Sassenach.” I placed my hand on hers, “The bairn is fine. Ye landed on ye back.” I saw a tear fell from her eye and I wiped it away. “Ye all right Claire, I’m here now. Ye’ll be all right.”       

“Bree? Did you find Bree?” She asked, her voice coming back to her as she took another sip of whiskey.

“She’s safe. Look” I motioned to the spot beside her on the bed and she rolled over, cautiously and reached out to touch her. “Ye scared the life right out of me Sassenach. I thought I’d lost ye for good this time.”

“I’m sorry Jamie. I…”

“Shh. Jenny and Fergus explained the whole thing.” I kissed her forehead handing her my handkerchief, “I’m just glad I got here when I did, that bastard Wilmington has a lot to answer for.”

“Jamie, please tell me you didn’t do anything drastic?”

“I’ll tell ye this Sassenach, when I saw him fire that gun and ye fell from your horse, still as stone on the ground as if ye were…. I wanted to, sorely, and I tried, but Ian and Murtagh stopped me. That’s not to say I wilna try again if I ever see that rutting bastard again.”

“Jamie please don’t talk like that, not now.” She held out a hand and placed it on my cheek, and I cupped her hand in mind so warm, so alive.

“You must be starved. You havna eaten in two days.” I realised, “I’ll get Jenny to cook you up some porridge.” I started to leave but she grabbed my hand and pulled me in closer.

“I love you.” She smiled as I leaned in and kissed her thoroughly. She didn’t need to tell me, I already knew it well.


	24. That Our Spirit Be One

_** Chapter 24: That our spirit be one. ** _

 

“She’ll be awake then?” Jenny asked as I came into the kitchen soon after. I felt lighter as if the heavy burden I had been carrying was lifted.

“Aye.” Murtagh, who was standing by the bench sampling the latest batch of bannocks grinned as he raised an eyebrow, “That grin of yours is bright enough that the whole estate will know soon enough.”

“I’ll not deny it, or apologise for it. Claire is sitting up and is just fine, save for a few sore ribs.” I replied, thankfully. I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome,

“That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.” Murtagh grinned in relief.

“Aye. I was hoping you might have a bit of broth left over from last night.” I said already making my way over to the pot by the fire. 

“She’s not, damaged?” Jenny asked hesitantly as she hit the back of my hand with the wooden ladle and pushed me aside. I could see the look of relief in her features as well. It had been a tense few days for everyone, not just myself, and I made a note to let them know how grateful I was once Claire was sufficiently recovered. Jenny pushed past me, forcing me to the chair nearby, the extra bulk of her advanced pregnancy being used for all its worth. “You’ll be needing your strength then mo gradh.” She said forcing a second bowl into my hands, “You’ve not had a bite to eat since you returned. Eat up and then go have a wash for heavens sakes, you look like a beggar.”

“And smell like one too.” Murtagh added as I took in my appearance and decided they were right. I hadn’t even shaved and the hairs on my chin were already beginning to itch.

“Here.” Jenny threw me a cloth and some soap. “Go clean yourself up and I’ll tend to Claire.” I stood up ready to argue, but before I could Jenny was already half way across the room towards the stairs. I looked to Murtagh, who shot me a ‘don’t even bother arguing’ look and poured himself a glass of whiskey.

“Shaw.” Murtagh said handing me the second glass, “You look like you could do with this.”

“It’s been a long month that’s for sure.” I nodded, savouring the flavour and the burn as it slid down the back of my throat. I almost didn’t recognise the odd sensation of my shoulders relaxing, the tension that had lived there for the past five weeks slowly diminishing till it was nothing more than a dull ache. I took another sip and closed my eyes a moment, letting out a deep sigh as I thanked the lord that she was all right. 

“Have ye spoken to the young lass yet?” Murtagh asked me as I finally opened my eyes again.

“Bree? Why?” She had not moved from Claire’s side since she had returned and I had barely had a decent conversation with her about what had happened. I had spoken to Fergus, who had shed some light on the matter and I still had trouble reconciling what had happened with what I must do.   
“Tis just.” Murtagh began and then stopped. Obviously the topic was not an easy one to broach for him either.

“Speak plainly man, it’s been a long night.” I was too tired to let the tension between us continue.

“It occurs to me, and to Jenny, that is” He added for support, “That ye may feel a bit apprehensive towards punishing the lass, for her part in what has happened.”  
“Aye.” The idea of thinking about such matters made me sit up straighter. I canna say I hadn’t been thinking about it, but my relief in finding her safe had pushed the matter to the side until things were well with Claire. I had no choice now, I would have to face it.

“It is not always an easy matter. Lord knows Brian ken’d that much. But she’ll need to be spoken to. Afterall.” Murtagh emptied his cup in one gulp, “Claire wouldna been on the horse in the first place if Bree hadn’t have run off. As bad as things are things could have been a lot worse and not just with the English.” Murtagh had taken a personal oath once to protect us both, and I knew he felt as responsible for what had happened as I did.

“I dinna think I can whip the lass, not like my pa did to me.” The thought of her small body, flung over the gate as I brought the leather strap down across her cheeks. No. I couldn’t do that anymore than Claire would let me. I had to agree with her on that one, but the lass did need to be punished, and soon.

“Then what then?” Murtagh asked, echoing my thoughts.

“I dinna ken. But I’ll think of something.” In the four years I had known her I had never had to lay a hand on her, but her actions had put all of us in danger. I thought back to the first time that I had punished Claire, the only time. My heart ached recalling how distant and cold our relationship became after those events, how I almost lost Claire before I had ever really known her. A cold shiver ran over me as I shuddered to think how Bree would react. Would she hate me as much as Claire had? Would she ever forgive me?

 

JAMMF

I sat in the bed, watching the fire in the hearth as each flame flickered, individual yet part of the whole. Each flame a different path ignited by a choice, each one entwined together with the others to represent the fire, the sum of ones life. How many choices had I made in all my years, and which ones had led me to this point in time? I couldn’t regret the choice I had made, I’d make it again.

“Claire?” Her soft voice whispered around the corner as she peered her head inside the bedroom. “Are ye awake?” She asked. I had been lost in thought, Bree still clung to my side hugging me tight and I hugged her back, stroking her hair, but it was not Bree that hung in my mind.   
“Yes Jenny. Come in.” I called back as I sat up in the bed. I was welcome of the intrusion. The thoughts that swum around inside me were threatening to overtake me. I also realised, to my surprise, that I was glad that it wasn’t Jamie. The look of fear in his eyes when I had first woken had chilled me to the bone. Although I didn’t recollect a single thing from after my fall, I was aware that on some level I had come dangerously close to not waking up at all. My mind and my body both feeling like I had just fought in some epic war. I stared at Jenny as she crossed the room, watching as her legs glided across the floor.   

“I’ve brought ye some broth.” She said, smiling as she placed it on the small table beside the bed, “And I’ll fetch some water for you in a minute. No doubt you’ll be wanting a wash now your awake.” Her eyes lifted to meet mine, the joy they had reflected now looking at me in puzzlement as I stared back at her.  

“Thank you.” I nodded. I wanted to say more but couldn’t find the words. Jenny placed a hand on my hand, I tried to look away but as she looked at me as a small tear fell down my cheek.

Jenny straightened up, no more politeness in her gestures but an air of someone who knew what need to be done to remedy the situation. “Go and find Maggie.” Jenny spoke softly to Bree, “Tell her to get you some breakfast, and ye’ll need to go out to the yard and fetch some eggs.”

“But I want to stay with ma.” Bree held me tighter, shaking her head at her aunt.

“Please Bree.” I began softly, “Let me talk to your aunt for a while. Be a good girl and do as aunt Jenny says.” I kissed her on the forehead, hoping she would go.

“But.” She stood her ground.

“Please Bree.” I said pushing her away a little to break her embrace. She stared back at me, rejected.

Jenny reached her hand out, “Come.” She smiled, taking Bree’s hand then walked her over to the door. Bree hesitated a moment then went to do as she was told. As soon as she had left, Jenny closed the door behind her and came back to my side. “What is it?” She asked concerned, not wasting a moment on pleasantries, “Is it the bairn?”  
“No, I don’t think so.” I shook my head. I knew I was in a state of denial. I felt numb, detached from myself. I began to cry and she reached closer and held me tight. Stroking my hair until I had consoled myself enough to speak again.

“You’ve suffered a nasty shock.” She said reaching for a glass of whiskey and watching as I took a sip.

“You don’t understand.” I said as she started to tidy up the sheets on the bed and tucked them in around my legs, making sure I was warm. She reached beside her for the bowl of broth, but as she passed it between the tray and myself, her own child kicked, startling her.

“God damn it.” She swore as she dropped the bowl of hot broth which fell from her hands and landed across the bedsheets above my knees. “Christ Claire I’m sorry.” She apologised as she started to clean it up, “I’ll get you another bowl.” Jenny wiped her cloth over the sheets again then her hand stopped moving, the cloth in her palm still as she looked up into my eyes. “Can you not feel that? You didna flinch.”

“No.” I cried as her eyes met mine, both of us filled with fear. “I can’t.” Jenny stepped back a moment, I couldn’t blame her. The shock that flowed through my thoughts reflected on her face. At first I hadn’t realised what was happening, but now it was unmistakable. Everything from the waist down was numb.

Discarding of the empty bowl and cloth, Jenny took a seat on the bed beside me and took my hands. “Does Jamie know?” She asked, although I was certain she already knew the answer. I shook my head indicating that he didn’t, my eyes staring at my legs, willing them to move. “Well then.” Jenny simply nodded her head, decision made. “It will be all right.” She assured me, “It’ll be all right?” She repeated again, taking of the top sheet covered in broth off of the bed as she threw it in the corner and replaced it with a thicker blanket from the chair near the fire.   
“How?” I asked. How would it be all right? How would I tell Jamie? I had seen and healed a great many things, but there were some things that my medicine box, my knowledge and sheer determination itself couldn’t fix and this was one of them.

 

JAMMF

 

I felt guilty that I resented Jenny, watching her walk back and forth across the room as she helped to sponge me down and clean the bed sheets. She didn’t show any kind of pity, simply went about the task that needed to be done, talking to me and trying to sooth my fears as I sat there helpless. At one point I could hear her, just outside the doorway talking to what sounded like Murtagh. She didn’t say anything when she came back in, she simply nodded, then handed me the fresh bowl of broth that the unknown visitor had brought with them. Is this how it would be now? A spectator in my own life? I tried to push the thoughts away. I refused to feel sorry for myself. I had my life, Bree and Em were safe and for all I knew there had been no ill effect on the child that I carried within me. 

“I don’t want you to fuss over me.” I told Jenny, she was already seven months pregnant and she had the whole household to look after as it was. “The others need you. I’ll be fine.”

“Hush.” She scolded me, “Mrs Crook and Mrs McNab can deal with the others.” She informed me sternly as she stoked the fire and grabbed the hairbrush from on top of the dresser. “Maggie will be us shortly with Em, she’s just taken the girls out to play in the yard.” Jenny had washed my hair and was now trying to dry it off and tie it back.

“And Jamie?” I asked, he had been gone for a while, I knew he would return shortly and the thought of it filled me with joy, and fear.

“I sent him out to wash and shave as well. Murtagh said he was just seeing to the horses and that he would be back.” Jenny stopped to look at me a moment, then returned to brushing my hair as she stood beside the bed, “Dinna fash Claire. Jamie will see you right.”

“I know.” Jamie would never leave me, no matter what happened, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t feel guilty or obligated. I’d seen many couples, once thought inseparable, fall apart under the strains that illness and disability could bring. “Do you think?”

“What?” Jenny asked, my hair done to her satisfaction she had begun collecting the dirty dishes on the tray, ready to take them down to the kitchen.

“Never mind.” I felt the words caught in my throat. Jenny didn’t let my question go though, she turned and smiled at me, her lip curled just like Jamie’s.

“Never.” She grinned at me and left. I sat there, my hands over my belly, trying to feel him move within me. I knew it was too early but something urged me to try anyway.

 

I hadn’t been alone for more than ten minutes before I heard the sound of footsteps on the floorboards outside and the door opened up ever so slowly. “Claire?” His voice was shaky, hesitant. Had he been crying? “Sassenach?” He called out again as he peered around the door.

“It’s all right Jamie.” All my fears seemed suddenly so stupid as I sat up, eager to see him. I held out a hand for him, watching as he stood by the door, timid like he was on our wedding night. He stood a moment in the doorway then reached out and stepped closer, taking my had in his as he sat carefully by the bed beside me. “Come.” I smiled reassuringly wanting desperately for him to hold me in his arms.

“Are ye all right mo nighean donn?” I could see he was trying hard not to look at my legs, trying not to upset me. I took his cheek in my hand and he leaned into it, placing his hand on top of mine before reaching out and wrapping his hand around the back of my neck. He slowly pulled me closer, his forehead resting on mine before he took my lips in his and kissed me. “I am so sorry Claire.” He whispered.

“You don’t need to be sorry, It’s not your fault.” I stopped him.

“Aye. Tis. I should have been here. If I had, it would have been me on that horse and not you. I willna forgive myself for leaving you alone like that.” Jamie ran his hand down the side of my cheek repetitively as if trying to sooth a wild horse, trying to sooth himself as much as me.

“Don’t speak like that Jamie please.” I begged him, “It won’t do either of us any good to blame ourselves.”

“I promised to protect ye, to keep ye safe, and I’ve failed.” Jamie shook his head, kneeling beside me, his hands reaching instinctively for his dirk as he recalled his oath.

“It will be all right.” I promised him again, “We’ll sort something out. We always do.” Although at this point in time I couldn’t think of anything specifically that would fix this.   
“Aye.” He agreed. “I’ll do whatever it takes to see you well again.” He pledged and then hesitated, his voice softer, more wary when he continued, “Jenny told Murtagh that it’s a permanent situation. There’s nothing I can get for ye that will help?”  
“I’m afraid not this time.” I shook my head, his forehead still resting on mine, “Not even in my time.” I added, before he even considered suggesting sending me through the stones again. Jamie smiled, though I could see the tense muscles in his neck as he did so. He swallowed hard and then stepped back, he was clearly lost for ideas as well and it troubled him. Jamie was not accustomed to having the answers he needed be so elusive. An educated man, more than most his age, he often found solutions to problems before they arose. I could see his mind ticking over, his hand rubbing against his chin as he stared at me.  

“Well then Sassenach.” Jamie nodded affirmatively after a moment. “It seems we’ve finally found a way to make you stay put after all.” He cocked his head to the side and grinned, “At least this way I ken where you’ll be and you’ll be less likely to get into any more trouble.” He smiled at me, waiting for me to smile back.

“I don’t need my legs to make trouble.” I reminded him, grinning back to let him know I was all right.

“Aye, ye’ve still got ye sharp tongue.” Jamie agreed as I noticed him relax a little. He climbed onto the bed beside me and taking me in his arms I felt his breath as it passed by my face, another of his oaths not to leave my side. “It’ll be all right Sassenach.” Jamie whispered into my ear, “Nothing on heaven or earth could make me leave your side, not even this.” He confirmed. I knew he wouldn’t, not ever, but hearing him say it made me feel so much safer.

“You’re a fine man Jamie Fraser.” I said, running my hand up and down his arm, as it held me tight to his chest, then over the back of his palm. Jamie took my hand in his, holding it between his left and right hands and I felt the familiar surge between us. The connection as strong between us now as it was when we had first been married and Jamie had asked if the sensation he felt, that we felt, had been usual. “I don’ know what I did to deserve you.” I whispered, “But I’m so glad to be able to call you mine.” Even after everything that had happened I would never regret my decision to stay with him.   
“And I you, Claire Fraser.” He kissed me as we lay there, shock and fear disappearing as we contemplated our future together.

 

JAMMF

“Did you speak to Bree? Did she tell you why she took off on the horse?” I asked some time later as Jamie shifted beside me. We hadn’t slept, I knew that much, we had simply laid their resting in each other’s company.

“Aye. Sort of.” Jamie cleared his throat and sat up a little taller, “She said she was coming to get me.” I saw a brief flicker of guilt in his eyes as he paused, then continued. “It didna make a lot of sense but she said that Fergus was mad and that he wanted to send for me but that you wouldna let him, so she thought she should send for me herself.”

“Christ.” I hadn’t realised just how much of our conversation she had heard, I should have spoken to her about it sooner I thought to myself, she must have been so frightened to do such a thing. “Jamie.” I began to explain, but he placed a hand over my lips to quiet me.

“Fergus explained Sassenach.” I could hear the disapproval in his voice,

“You think Fergus was right?” I asked, “That I should have sent for you?”  
“It doesna matter now what I think.” But his body language told me that it did.  
“It does to me.” I turned as best as I could to look at him, he tired to smile, to convince me that it didn’t matter whatever he thought, but I could tell that he was lying.

“Honesty.” I reminded him, “I may have a glass face James Fraser but yours isn’t exactly made from bricks.” I informed him.

Jamie thought about it a moment then nodded, brushing that stubborn stray lock of my hair from my eyes. “Aye Sassenach. You’re right, and I do.”

“Have I not proved myself capable over and over again? It was only a few sheep.” I argued with him.

“I put Fergus in charge.” Jamie reminded me, “You shouldna questioned his orders. You’ve no idea how many men you were dealing with. And what if they did come closer to the house, with you and Jenny both with bairn and not to mention Bree and the other bairns. What would ye have done then?” I could hear his teeth grinding as he tried to control his rage, “Aye. You shoulda sent for me.”

“Well I didn’t.” And there was nothing I could do to change that, “What on earth made Bree think she could find you anyway. She barely knows how to ride a horse?”  
“Hmm.” Jamie laughed, and looked at me as though he was recalling some far off memory. “You really need to ask Sassenach.” His smile, so wide it brightened the room, “Do ye not recall, back at the gathering when I first met ye. Were you not planning on escaping on horseback yeself all the way back to Inverness. More than a days ride in the dark and through unknown woods and ye no been on a horse in years.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead, “Ye right, where on earth would she get such an idea?”

“That was different. I wasn’t a child for one.” I said, elbowing him in the ribs as he looked at me with a mocking gesture in his eyes.   
“Ye set ye mind to a thing and nothing will stop ye.” He noted, “Frasers may be a stubborn lot, but so are Beauchamp’s, and I’m afraid she’s a bit of both of us in her ye ken.”

Jamie was right, poor Bree had an awful lot of stubbornness in her and it had risen to the surface every now and then. Jamie had always overlooked her wilfulness and her defiance, one glance at her baby blue eyes and his anger would dissipate immediately, but there was an uneasiness about him now and I thought I could guess what it was. She had disobeyed his order, put herself and the rest of us in danger and his Scottish pride couldn’t let that go unanswered. 

“Have you spoken to her yet?” I asked him. He looked away warily, so I reached out and took his hand in mind. Difficult conversations always seemed easier when we held each other close. “It will be all right.” I promised him.

“I dinna want to make the lass feel any worse than she does, but she needs to be punished for her actions.” Jamie spoke, fishing for my advice.

“You won’t strap her will you?” I asked, already knowing the answer. Not only would he never lay a hand on Bree, but he knew I would never allow it. My thoughts on corporal punishment were quiet clear.

“No.” He replied firmly, “I think you are right on that account, and I do not want her to hate me, like you did.” He added remorsefully.

I thought back to the beating Jamie had given me after Fort William, I had treated him so badly after that night and although he had thoroughly deserved it, I knew the experience was just as painful for him as it was for me. “I didn’t hate you Jamie.” I said brushing the back of my hand across his cheek, “I was angry, that’s true, and I resented you for it for a time but I did understand why you did it.”  
“Aye, but I almost lost ye as well, didn’t I?” He asked and I felt my stomach turn, in truth he had. Unlike Bree I had the benefit of knowledge and life experience to see past my anger and to forgive him. Bree had known nothing but love from her father, he had never raised a hand to her, or his voice. How would she react to seeing Jamie upset with her, he was after all a Scot, and an upset Scot was quite a sight indeed.

“What if we talk to her together?” I offered to him. “She may not forgive us straight away, but she will in time.”

“NO.” He shook his head, “If she has to hate me so be it, but she should have her mother to comfort her afterwards. I’ll speak to her tonight, before dinner.”

I squeezed his hand in mine where I still held it, turning it over and tracing the back of his palm, “What will you say? I asked him as he looked away from my gaze.

Jamie didn’t reply straight away, he studied our hands entwined in each other’s then he looked at me, a defiant smile on his face, “I dinna ken mo nighean donn, but luckily I’ve some time to think about it before I do.”

 

JAMMF

I still wasn’t sure what I would say to her as I made my way down the stairs towards the main parlour. Jenny would have supper ready shortly and I knew the sooner the matters were dealt with the better it would be for everyone. I sent Maggie up to sit with Claire as I looked into the main room. Ian had taken the chair by the fire, reading as Kitty played on the ground nearby with young Ian and Em nearby resting in her cradle. Young Jamie was reading the latest book that Claire was schooling him on by the firelight and I could see that it had been a long day for all of them. The news had undoubtedly stifled the short lived feelings of joy at Claire’s return from death. “Where’s Murtagh?” I asked Ian, noticing his absence.

“He’s by the stables with Bree and Fergus.” Ian replied, a subtle glance asking if I was all right. Followed by a look from myself which just a subtly replied ‘No but I will be’. I nodded and made my way to the front door, glad that I wouldn’t have an audience.

I rounded the corner to the stables to see Bree and Murtagh in deep conversation as they sat on the bench facing each other. Murtagh was nodding rhythmically as Bree spoke at length about something, I couldn’t hear what, but Fergus listened in nearby as he brushed down the horses. “Excuse me.” I interrupted them as I walked closer, thinking of my father and how he had conducted himself in such matters, “But I think there are some things that Bree and I need to discuss.”

“Aye.” Murtagh nodded at Bree, her eyes pleading with him not to go, but thankfully he stood up and made his way over to Fergus, helping to put the saddles away.

It took a moment to find the courage to start, but I took her tiny hands in mine as I sat down on the bench beside her and lifted her chin, so that I could see her face. “I think ye ken that ye did wrong. Don’t ye lass?”

“Aye da, and I’m sorry. Truly I am.”  
“I ken.” She had started to cry and I brushed the tears from her face. “Ye’ve a wild spirit about ye Bree, like ye mother and I love ye for it but it can also be dangerous.” I warned her.

“Murtagh said that ma is hurt. It’s all my fault. Will she die da?”

“Christ.” I thought to myself, now I really didna want to do it. I pulled her closer up onto my lap and held her gaze, “It’s true ye ma is not well, but she wilna die I promise ye that.”  
“But Rabbie says…” She argued,

“I dinna ken what Rabbie says, but I made a promise to ye ma and to you that I’ll not let anything happen to ye and I mean to keep it. Claire is not going to die.” I told her strongly.

“Those rutting Englishman.” Bree cursed, as I sat backed startled.

“Where on earth did you hear a filthy word like that?” I asked her, with a tone strongly suggestion it was not to be used again.

“From Fergus.” Bree looked confused, “And Uncle Murtagh and you da.” She added.

“Aye, well.” Perhaps I had been a bit careless with my words in front of the lass. “It’s not the kind of thing a lady should say, ever.”  
“But they hurt ma. I heard you say you wanted to kill them.”

“Tis true, I did.” I picked her up off my lap and stood her in front of me, taking her by the shoulders as I looked down at her ready to do what needed to be done, no sense in prolonging it any further, “But it wasna just the English who put your mother in danger.”

“Who?” She began to ask, but stopped as she read the expression on my face, “But it wasna my fault. I didn’t do anything.”

“But ya did Bree.” I could see she didn’t fully appreciate the gravity of the situation and I had to remind myself that she was only a wee bairn. “If ya hadna run away and the English didn’t find ye horse, then ye ma wouldna been so worried about ye and tried to go look for ye. Not to mention the danger you put ye aunty Jenny and Fergus and the others in.”

“But I didn’t mean to.” She sobbed.  
“Ye promised me Bree. Ye made an oath that ye wouldna ride the horse while I was gone and ye broke ye promise. It brings me no joy to do it but ye need to be punished for it.” My hand went instinctively to my belt, not to use it on her, but as a man locked in battle.   

“You mean, you’re going to whip me like Uncle Ian does to Jamie when he’s mad?”  
“Och.” The look of fear on her face and the colour draining from her skin as Bree thought about her own behind being hung over the gate with her skirts up, sent an odd sense of laughter through me and I had to act quick to hide it. “No lass, but ye’ve done wrong by us all so you must make amends for it.”  
“What are you going to do then?” She asked, as I looked over to Murtagh and Fergus who were watching intently.

“Ye canna ride ye horse for a month.” I decided, and I watched her face sink as the weight of her consequences sank in, she loved her horse as much as I loved mine and I knew it wouldna be easy for her. “And till then ye’ll muck out the stables morning and night with Rabbie and see they have fresh straw and feed every day.” I added, recalling just how much Ian and I had loathed scrubbing the tower as children after one of our many indiscretions. It didn’t deter us for long, but we never forgot it either. Maybe it would give her time to reflect and learn from her mistakes. “Does that seem fair?” I asked her as she stood before me in silence.  
“Aye da. I think it does.” Bree smiled at me, and leaned in to hug me tight. “I’m sorry I made ye angry da. I promise I’ll never do it again.” She whispered, “And I’m glad ye willna let ma die.”  
“Shh.” I comforted her. “Dinna fash yeself about it mo gradh. Now go inside and get cleaned up, your aunty will have ye supper ready.” I watched her as she stepped back then took a quick glance at the stables before running inside to join the others.

 

“Ye dinna think ye were a bit soft on the lass do ye Milord?” Fergus asked, having received one or two whippings himself for his indiscretions. Murtagh chuckled as Fergus rubbed his behind, recalling the memories.

“Nay.” Murtagh placed a reassuring hand on my right shoulder “It wasna easy but ye did well lad.” He pulled his hand away then, his grin gone as he looked towards the house, “But ye right about one thing, she’s got Claire’s spirit in her. I dinna think it will be the last time you’ll be having to speak to her so.”  
“Aye.” I agreed, a slight smile forming on my lips as I thought about the many times Claire’s free spirited nature had caused trouble for her and I both, and how I wouldna have either one of them any other way.  


	25. Friends In High Places

** Chapter 25: Friends in High Places  
  **

Two days had passed since Jamie and Bree had spoken. There was no sign of tension between them and between Jamie, Jenny and myself we had found a routine that made the day to day necessities of life a little easier for all of us to manage. Much to Jamie’s annoyance, I had protested strongly about being kept isolated upstairs from everyone and Jamie had reluctantly carried me downstairs to the parlour so that I could sit by the fire and read while Jenny and the maid servants went about their daily chores. I once again found myself watching over young Ian and Em while the others worked. Their cradles had been placed close enough to the where I sat, so that I could reach for them and pick them up with a minimum of effort. I had come to find watching them oddly comforting. Although Ian was almost 3 years old and was beginning to explore the world on his own when not confined to his crib, he was however for the most part a docile child who still love to take long naps during the day. I would watch him and Em, both with similar facial expressions while they slept, sucking their thumbs, curling their lips and giggling in their sleep. I would read to them from one of the numerous books in the library, and in the morning after their chores I even managed to continue the older children’s lessons. I may not be able to walk on my own or help out around the house but I was relieved to find that I was by no means a burden to the others. 

“Are ye all right mo nighean donn?” Jamie asked as he returned to the house to check on me after seeing to the animals, “Can I fetch ye anything?”   
“No, I’m fine.” I told him as he came to sit by me. I had Em in my arms and he reached out and offered her his little finger. She took it happily and began trying to put it in her mouth.

“She’s a strong grip for a lass.” He noted proudly, wriggling his finger back and forth in a gentle game of tug of war.

“And a healthy appetite.” I added, “Like her father.” She had just finished her third meal for the morning and it was barely noon. We watched her together, noting her features, my hair, Jamie’s eyes, the Fraser bone structure. Her eyes never left his, whenever he was near she always gravitated towards his presence like she had when we had first come home. Jamie took her eagerly from me, cradling her softly in his arms as he jiggled her up and down. He whispered to her in Gaelic like he often did and she gurgled trying to repeat his words. It was like watching a secret conversation between the two of them and it just melted my heart.     

“What are you saying to her?” I would ask, watching them in awe.

“Nothing.” Jamie would always tell me, “Just telling her how much her da loves her.” He would smile at her, and then me “All of you.” He added this time, his hand resting on my cheek before it moved lower to rest on my waste. I placed my hand over his. If Jamie was right, and damn him if he wasn’t normally, then I was almost 17 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. When I was in my shift the small swell was clearly visible, but fully clothed you couldn’t tell the difference, but we knew he was there.

“We love you too.” I reminded him, as he cradled Em in one arm effortlessly, while leaning in and kissing me thoroughly. Ian stirred in his cot reminding us we weren’t alone, pulling himself up onto his feet as he clung onto the sides. He bounced up and down trying to crawl over the sides, energetic after his long nap.

Jamie handed Em back to me then picked young Ian up out of the cot and placed him on his lap. “And you wee laddie, I hope ye havna been giving ye aunty any trouble.”

“Oh no Uncle.” I imagined him replying as young Ian looked up at him, squirming to break free and crawl to his freedom. He looked so much like his big brother Jamie when I had first met him, almost 10 years earlier.

“Did ye ever think Sassenach.” He asked me, a pleased grin beaming across his face as he held the restless Ian in his arms, while I held Em in mine against my womb that happily homed her sibling, “That we would be surrounded by so many bairns?”

“No.” I smiled, happy to be proven wrong.

 

JAMMF

 

After what seemed like hours in the parlour together, but was more than likely only a single hour, the rest of the Murray / Fraser clan started to come in from the fields, the stables and everywhere they had been working for the morning, to share in the fine stew that Jenny had made from the rabbits Murtagh and Fergus had caught the night before. As had been their custom the past few days, they had forgone dining in the large dining hall and spread themselves out among the chairs and sofas of the parlour so as not to exclude me from eating with them. Young Jamie, Rabbie and Fergus leaned against the fireplace, warming their bones already chilled from working in the fields since the crack of dawn. The children sat on the chairs, their bowls perched precariously on their laps as Ian and Jamie kept a watchful eye over them.

“Where’s Bree?” I asked looking around and noting that she hadn’t made her way inside with the others.

“She will be in momentarily Milady.” Fergus said, while swallowing his latest mouthful. “She wanted to finish laying the straw down first.”

“Oh.” She had been trying so hard to win back Jamie’s favour, and I heard Jamie chuckle slightly as he handed a bowl to me and saw the look on my face.

“Aye.” He agreed kissing me on the lips and placing his bowl on the table before him, “I’ll go send for her.” I smiled back at him, pleased I wasn’t the only one feeling guilty over Bree working her hands to the bone more than usual. Jenny made her way into the room to join us just as a scream sounded from outside in the yard and the once smiling faces turned suddenly to looks of intrigue and alarm.

 

“English. Da! English.” Bree came running back inside at great speed, “I was just finishing up with the horses and I saw them…” Jamie grabbed her and steadied her footing. Checking her over to make sure she wasn’t hurt, one eye on the door, he looked to Ian and Murtagh. The two men had already discarded their bowls and were by his side.    

“Easy girl.” Murtagh calmed her looking over his shoulder.

“What did you see?” Jamie asked her, urging her to reply calmly.

“Two men da. On horses dressed in red. There.” She pointed towards the path that lead up to the gates of Lallybroch and everyone’s breath froze.

“Are ye sure Bree?” Jamie looked at me, was she telling the truth?

“Yes da. They had those funny red coats on.” Jamie stood up, his hand stiffened by his side as he tapped his fingers. He pushed Bree in my direction and I held her close. My own heart was pounding as I recalled our last encounter with Wilmington. Had he really returned so soon? I could see the rage building in Jamie again and silently feared the confrontation that was about to take place. Subtly, Young Jamie handed pistols to Fergus and Ian while Jenny took Maggie, Kitty and the two younger children upstairs.

“Go with your aunty Bree.” I ordered her as the sound of horse hooves echoed on the stones outside. Jenny handed Em to Maggie, while Kitty carried young Ian, then reached out a hand and dragged Bree up the stairs as she protested loudly that she wanted to stay with Jamie.

“Take Rabbie and young Jamie.” Jamie ordered Fergus, “Slip out the back and flank them from behind, just in case but stay out of sight.” Jamie added for my benefit. “Can ye see how many there are Ian?” He asked as Ian peered through the study window.

“Just the two of them by the looks of it.” Ian announced, strapping his sword to his side from where it had been stored above the fireplace in the study. A memento of younger days. Jamie looked towards me on the couch, there was no time to carry me upstairs and make it back to greet our uninvited guests. Jamie positioned himself between me and the door, if he couldn’t get me to safety he could at least defend me.

“What do ye mean to do lad?” Murtagh asked, taking a position to his left as Ian stood to our right. Murtagh looked to me, and then to Jamie, shoulders ridged and ready for battle. It was clear to everyone that Jamie would kill them if the occasion called for it and the chances of that were high if it was Wilmington that came through the door first. As the echoes announced that our guests had entered the house, we collectively drew our breaths and waited in stillness.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach.” Jamie whispered as he took a quick glance over his shoulder, taking my hand briefly in his as I offered him my support. “It’ll be all right.” He handed me his smaller hidden dagger and returned his focus to the doorway before him.

“Mr Fraser.” The voice called out confidently, bellowing through the halls, “Mr Fraser are you home?”  
“In the parlour.” He answered back, a puzzled expression on his face. I noticed his stance shift slightly, and I brought the dagger closer.

The door had been partially closed by Ian, to allow them time to defend if need be. I watched as the large wooden door was pushed slowly open, a tall man dressed in Red British Regiment uniform stood before them, a smaller man, just as well dressed stood beside him.

“What do you want?” Jamie asked as Lt Johnston looked first at Jamie, clearly armed, then to Murtagh and Ian. Johnston stood his ground, squaring his shoulders and looked Jamie in the eyes.

“I have come to call on Mrs Fraser, to make sure that she is all right.” He requested, the two men still locked in a firm stare. Jamie had been grateful for Lt Johnston’s help, but he by no means trusted him.  

“As have I.” The second soldier, clearly superior according to his markings and mannerisms, approached Jamie, pushing Lt Johnston aside and coming to stand before him. Jamie didn’t appear to move, but to the keenly observed eye, he clearly knew the man.

“John.” Jamie greeted him calmly, “What are you doing here?” Jamie lowered his hand from his dirk slightly and Murtagh and Ian took a step back, watching carefully in case the situation intensified.

“I have come to give my apologies on behalf of the British Government.” He bowed, first at Jamie and then at me, “And to assure you that Lt Wilmington has been relieved of his duties and will be punished for his actions.” This ‘John’ took a step forward towards me, pausing as Jamie shifted his weight in protest. I smiled at him, allowing Jamie to take the lead. “I’m afraid I have not had the privilege ma’am.” He bowed to me, “My name is Lord John Grey and you madam I believe are James’s beloved wife, Claire?” He knew my name, and he spoke it so informally like he had known me a long time. I shot a glance at Jamie who looked almost mortified, his stance uncertain but he stepped back allowing Lord John to take my hand as he bowed. “Pleasure to finally make your acquaintance ma’am.”

“I’m afraid I haven’t had the pleasure.” I replied, Jamie was beginning to regain his colour as he came to stand by my side.

“I am an old acquaintance of your husband.” He clarified.  
“From after the battle.” Jamie added hesitantly, indicating that he had met ‘John’ during his time in the prison. Had he been one of the wardens? Jamie had mentioned that some of them had been kind and allowed them some small comforts of humanity during his incarceration.

“Are you well ma’am?” He asked, taking a seat in the chair opposite as Lt Johnston stood by Ian at the door. “I understand from Lt Johnston that you were injured during the…” He struggled to find the words,

“She was thrown from her bloody horse is what happened.” Jamie added clearly vexed. I tried not to look at my legs, or to give too much away. I would allow Jamie to decide how much we told them. Jamie watched me warily though, like he always did when I had to keep a secret.

“I understand you were passed out for some time, but you seem to be in good spirits?” Lord John looked me over, then glanced at Jamie. I thought it my imagination but this Lord John seemed to be able to tell that Jamie was worried about something. Could he have known him that deeply that he knew his tells?

“I am, thank you.” I smiled, smoothing out the blanket over my legs and resting my hands on my lap, mentally hushing the butterflies in my stomach.

“I hear that congratulations are also in order.” Lord John continued, “Lt Johnston also mentioned that you are… with child?” He spoke the last slowly, is that what Jamie was worried about I thought I heard him wonder.

“Aye.” Jamie picked up a glass of whiskey left over from lunch and took a sip. “Aye she is.” He grinned at me, “Thank god she and the child were no harmed.” Jamie’s manner changed slightly as he turned to speak to John in a less formal manner, “That Wilmington has a lot to answer for and if I ever…”  
“Yes well.” Lord John cut him off, glancing to Lt Johnston, “That’s why I’m here. I received word from a mutual friend.” He began, glancing again to the Lt by the door, “And I have come to investigate before taking formal action against the Lieutenant.”

“What kind of action?” Murtagh asked stepping forward, echoing my own thoughts.

“At the least, dishonourable discharge.” Lord John nodded hoping the news was pleasing, “If I have my way though, I’ll see him sent to the tower.” Lord John turned his attention back to me and smiled, “The British Military ma’am does not take kindly to those who would threaten and endanger woman or children when there is no cause, and even then.” He added, “Neither do I.” I noticed Jamie’s tension diminish, as Ian and Murtagh followed suit the five of them found a place to rest while the conversation continued. Jamie sat beside me, taking his hand in mind and resting it in his lap as he rubbed his thumb over my fingers in a calming gesture.

Lord John asked for the details of what had happened and I told him as much as I knew. I could sense Fergus and the boys prowling around nearby, not so sure that the danger had passed, while Jenny had returned to the kitchen to prepare some snacks for our guests. “I see.” Lord John nodded as Jamie recounted the last of the tale from his perspective. “I can not apologise enough for the suffering that this has caused you Madam Fraser.”

“Thank you.” I nodded, my mind beginning to be preoccupied by the uneasy sensation in my bladder.

“I’m just glad there are no long lasting effects.” Lord John continued, “And that you and your children are safe and well. James has come to be a dear friend of mine and it would have grieved me personally to think that the ones he loves could have been hurt in this ordeal.” I felt Jamie shift beside me and make a small grunting noise, as I squeezed his hand and glanced towards the makeshift privy set up in the study.

“Aye well.” Jamie responded as I looked at him, ‘ _tell him’_ I begged. He’s about to find out anyway. Although I couldn’t feel my legs, I had at least retained some control over my bladder, but was completely reliant on Jamie getting me to the privy on time.

“Are you all right Mrs Fraser?” Lt Johnston, who had been quiet for the most part, asked as he watched me wince a little.

“If you will excuse us gentleman.” Jamie nodded to Murtagh, who stood up and along with Ian indicated that it was time for the men to leave the room.

“I’m fine.” I assured him, removing the blanket from my legs, “I just need to use the bathroom.” I grinned shyly. This was proceeded with a round of confused looks, which turned to looks of guilt and embarrassment as Jamie lifted me into his arms and towards the study.

 

“You could have told them.” I scolded Jamie as he held me above the chamber pot.

“Aye.” He nodded, “Better this way, let them squirm a bit.” He replied, “They’ll be too embarrassed to pity you then. I ken ye Sassenach, ye hate that as much as I do.”

“Do you think Lord John will help us?” I asked as Jamie helped straighten my skirt and then took me back into his arms.

“Aye. He will.” He sounded certain of it, “Lord John and I came to know each other quite well during my time…” He stopped short of saying where it had been, I knew too well that saying its name brought back the ghosts, “We can trust his word Sassenach. He’ll see things done right by you.”

Jamie placed me back on the couch and resumed his position beside me. I felt the lingering stares of Lord John and Lt Johnston as the watched us return.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Lt Johnston asked looking to Jamie. “I assume the sensation is localised to your lower limbs.”  
“Yes.” I answered startled, surprised to find myself talking in modern medical terms. “Ever since.”  
“I would like to take a look.” He began to ask, shying back as Jamie stared him down, “I may be able to tell if it is permanent.”  
“Of course it’s bloody permanent.” Jamie spat back at him, “Ye think she’s making it up?”  
“No. Not at all.” Lt Johnston stood his ground against the agitated Scot, I’ll say that much for him. “I think you know I have a ‘ _knowledge’_ about these things.” He said, trying to win Jamie over.

“Aye.” Jamie looked at me and I felt like I was in the middle of a conversation I couldn’t recall having. “Ye mean there’s a chance, she could walk again?”

“Maybe? May I?” He asked looking to me for consent.

“Lt Johnston does seem to know what he is doing Madam Fraser.” Lord John added, “That’s one of the reasons I requested him to join me, in case his services were needed.” I looked to Jamie, who sat considering this new information that things may not be as bad as they seemed. The thought of letting anyone from this time practice their medicine on me was enough to send a shiver down my spine, but there was something about him, the way he talked and his level of understanding. Jamie squeezed my hands and I looked at him,

“He’s been to _Inverness_.” He whispered to me, raising his eyebrows indicating an implied meaning. “He’s seen ye stones.”

“He’s what?” Forgetting myself and our present company, I looked to Jamie, alarmed and then intrigued, then back to Johnston who simply nodded with a knowing smile.

“It was some time ago. I _passed_ by the stones on my way to Fort William.” He nodded again, “They are quite breathtaking, _aren’t they_?” He asked me.

“Yes.” I replied stunned as Jamie tried to calm me from my shock with the rhythmic caress of his touch.

“I’ve never been myself.” Lord John added unaware of our private conversation, “But I do strongly insist Madam Fraser that you let the lieutenant see if he can do anything for you.”

“Yes.” I answered again. “Of course. Thank you.”

“If you could help carry Mrs Fraser to her room, I need to lay her out on a flat surface.” Lt Johnston wasted no time in standing up, and waited for Jamie to lift me once again into his arms before following us up to the top of the stairs.

“I’ll wait here.” Lord John announced as he looked towards his two chaperones.

“Would ye like a drink while ye wait?” Ian asked, pouring a glass for himself as Murtagh helped himself to another.

“That would be most kind of you.” Lord John took the glass and swallowed it, it had been a long hard ride from the estate where they had camped overnight and an even more intriguing morning once they had arrived.        

 

JAMMF

“Are ye sure?” Jamie asked, watching the lieutenants every move meticulously. “It wouldn’t pay to be giving her false hopes.” He warned him.

“Jamie.” I hissed, reaching out for him to stop pacing back and forth and to take my hand. He hissed back, grunted and took my hand as he stood in front of me. Lt Johnston was feeling his way down the length of my spine. Sitting up on the edge of the bed in nothing but my shift with my head bent slightly over my legs, I felt a sense of fatigue flow through me and I wanted nothing more than to roll over and close my eyes. Jamie sensed it too and he took me by the shoulders and held me firm. Shooting questioning looks towards the lieutenant as he pressed lower and lower down my spine.

“Lt Johnston.” I began, trying to ease the tension between the two of them.

“Matthew, please.” He insisted, “I think we know enough of each other to be on first names, don’t you?” He grinned at Jamie, teasingly.

“Matthew.” Jamie made it sound like some kind of horrible disease.

“What time are you from?” I asked, ignoring Jamie.

“I’m from the year 1987 ma’am…. Claire.” He corrected, “I’ve been here for almost ten years though, I came here just after my second tour in the Middle East.”

“You were in a war?” Jamie asked, picking up on the way he said ‘tour’.

“Yes sir.” Matthew replied, focusing on the top of my pelvis, “Seventh generation soldier.” He smiled, “My mother and father both served before me.”  
“But why here?” I asked him,

“At first I came to meet my family I guess, find out of the old family tales were true.” He pressed his finger deep into the pressure point and I squirmed in pain. Jamie held me tighter, then glared at him, warning him not to do it again. “My great, great, great grandfather I guess died in battle not long after I got here.” He continued, “But by then I was hooked and I didn’t want to go back.”  
“And now?”  
“This is my life now.” He straightened my shift and came to stand before me. “I couldn’t imagine going back.” Matthew placed a hand on my shoulder, gently lowering me backwards then started to feel his way down from the top of my legs to my ankles and toes, one leg at a time.

“What about your family?” Jamie asked curiously, family had always been so important to him.

“It was only my parents and they passed just before I came here.” He paused, pushing away the memory, “The Army is my family now.” 

“I know what you mean.” I sympathised with him, for so long I had only known Frank and the army as my family as well. Jamie looked at me with a concerned expression on his face, trying to decide if I was all right. I placed my hand on top of his where it rested on my shoulder and squeezed it. ‘I’m fine’ I told him. Matthew stopped talking a moment as he flexed my leg back and forth and I saw Jamie’s eyes shift from mine to his.

“What is it?” Jamie asked, his voice tight with tension.

“Nothing.” He shook his head, not looking up, then he reached around in front of me, coming close enough for my chin to rest on his chest as he reached around behind me and pressed into the base of my spine once again. “Do ye not feel that Claire?”  
“No!” I asked looking at Jamie, “Why?”

“I’m no expert mind you.” Matthew began, “But it feels to me like there’s a build up of some spinal fluid just at the base.”  
“What does that mean?” I asked, having only vague recollections of what he was saying as all logical thought evaded me.   
“Once the swelling disappears.” Lt Johnston looked first at me, then to Jamie before looking back at me, “If.” He corrected, “Then the pressure on the spine should be released.”  
“Ye saying she could walk again?” Jamie asked, as the words bounced off of my skull.

“Maybe.” Matthew tried to emphasise that it wasn’t certain, but Jamie didn’t care. He looked at me, shook me gently then pulled me close in a tight embrace.

“Do ye hear that Sassenach. There’s a chance.”  
“Yes but it might not.” I remained him.

“As long as there’s a chance mo nighean donn then there’s hope and that’s enough for me.” Jamie pulled me away, looking at me then pulled me in close again. I wanted to share his joy, his optimism, but he had a faith in modern medicine that I did not. I had seen often enough false hope turn to despair and I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was possible. I smiled back at him, trying to hide my concerns, but he gave me a sympathetic look and wiped the hair from my eyes. “It’s okay mo gradh.” He whispered to me softly, “I’ve faith enough for the both of us.”


	26. Time Will Tell

** Chapter 26: Time will tell **

  
“And you must be Brianna.” John stated assuredly as Bree came walking into the parlour holding a tray of cold meats, followed by Maggie and Kitty carrying platters containing other various food offerings prepared by Jenny and Mrs Crook. Ian and Murtagh had gone off to tend to the needs of the farm and the animals nearby, leaving Jamie and myself to entertain our two guests. “My god Jamie, she’s the spitting image of you.” John said doing a double take between the two of them. Jamie helped Bree place the tray on the table then picked her up and placed her on his lap, his hand pushing back her stray red curls and exposing her bright blue eyes, a matching pair to his own.

“Aye, that she is.” Jamie winked at me, I could see the pride he felt flowing from him as he spoke “She’s a bonny lass, but she’s a wild spirit about her though.” He added with a slight curl of his lip and another stare in my direction.

“I recall.” Matthew said, extending out a hand for her to shake. “I’m glad to see that you are well Milady.” He bowed, “I was relieved that you were found unharmed.” Bree blushed and turned to bury herself in Jamie’s shoulder. I saw the faint shiver in her delicate features as she recalled what had happened and I felt a similar shudder go through mine. Jamie moved his hand soothingly over her back and whispered something to her. She smiled up at him, then turned to face her guest and reaching for Matthews hand, she shook it back with thanks.

“And Elizabeth.” Lord John looked from her to me and smiled, “She takes after her mother I say. In beauty at least, if not courage and strength of character.” How smooth I thought as I heard the stifled noise from the Scot beside me, laughter or jealousy I wasn’t certain which.

“I can only hope.” I said as Jamie let out a faint chuckle beside me, “We’ll have our hands full soon enough.” I added nodding to the tiny swelling belly before me, “And two stubborn Frasers is about all I can handle right now.”

“Indeed.” Lord John looked around at all the children playing and going about their chores. There were six at last count, seven in a month or so when Jenny delivered her latest child and then my own. “I must say Fraser.” John began a little more formally, “It does suit you.”

“I canna say I disagree.” Jamie nodded, beaming and tapping his forehead to Bree’s before placing a hand on my knee. If I knew that look, and I did, he was already planning how we would make our next child. I smiled back quickly.

“You’ll excuse me Mrs Fraser.” John coughed not so delicately, forcing Jamie to look away from me and back to his guest, no hint of embarrassment on his features at all as I tried strongly not to blush, “But when I knew your husband, he had thought you lost and I could see that he mourned you deeply. It does so lighten my heart to see you with him just now.” John smiled at me and then Jamie, as they exchanged a brief look of a memory I didn’t share. “And with all your children and family.” He then added quickly as if the previous statement had exposed more of his thoughts than he had intended.

“Marriage agrees with him don’t you think.” I placed my own hand in Jamie’s and squeezed it tightly. I felt his muscles tense, and he shifted slightly as I felt the familiar shudder run through his veins. John caught my eye and blushed as Jamie made a small cough of his own.

“And you too it would seem.” Lord John added, glancing sideways at Jamie, as Jamie smiled again, his lustful thoughts returning. Now I did blush, but I didn’t care. Jenny had told me once that anyone who spent more than five minutes in a room with us could ken well what Jamie and I meant to each other. Jamie was mine and I was his and there was no hiding it.

 

JAMMF

 

My mind raced as I tried to sleep. Jamie lay still beside me, my body curled snuggly against his as his hand rested across the top of my hip and on my waist, his whiskey laden breath warming my ear as he exhaled. He smelled of the sweet mixture of sweat and rose oil and breathed him in deeply. It may not have been like it once was, but we were both pleasantly surprised to find that my body still responded to his, and while I could no longer wrap my legs around him, I could enjoy the sensation of his body against mine, the soft butterfly kisses on my skin as he worked his way down and the feel of his breath warm in my ear as he hovered above me. He slept content now, his lustful urges fulfilled for the time being.

This morning I had been happy, crippled but happy. I had found peace with it all and that was the end of it. Now. “Hmm.” I grunted softly, had I really just had supper with another time traveller? Someone who like me had come through the stones and made a life here? And Jamie, he had known all about it and not told me. Damn him I thought. Who was this man, I was dying to know more, to get five minutes alone with him without having to watch what I said in front of Lord John. Who was this Lord John anyway? He was an enemy at Culloden so why did Jamie treat him like a kinsman? What had happened to him after I left in 1746?

1987? my thoughts drifted back to Matthew, that was almost forty years after I had travelled through the first time. Even later than Gellis. Matthew had seen things that I had only imagined. For a moment I wondered if this was how Jamie had first felt when he had found out that I was from the future. I felt a numb discomfort in my hip area and tried to shift my weight, failing to move on my own without disturbing Jamie, I took a deep breath and tried to ignore it. I found myself wondering if Matthew’s experience of war had been the same as my own, first in the 1939 and then again in 1745. I had been to war twice and each was as different from the other as an apple and an orange I thought to myself. The tactics, the weapons, there was nothing similar between them at all. Had the act of war gentrified over time, or had it become more savage and inhumane? Did I want to know? The pain returned and I tried again to find a more comfortable position.

“Are ye all right Sassenach?” Jamie asked concerned as my elbow slipped and connected with his ribs. “Do ye need to use the privy?” I felt him sit up slightly as he tried to look at me in the dark.

“No!” I hissed at him, “My hip hurts, I’m trying to roll onto my back.” Half asleep, he shifted back and moved me into position, his large warm hand grabbing me by the hip and massaging it a little as he stared at me with eyes of longing. “Don’t even think about it.” I warned him, guiltily aware that my wriggling had aroused his inner need once again. My back hurt from all of Matthews prodding and probing earlier and I groaned a little with discomfort.

“Are ye sure you’re all right mo nighean donn. It’s not the bairn is it?” Jamie asked sitting up with sudden alarm. I saw him feel the sheets, but they were dry. My heart raced, something _was_ wrong, and it worried me. “Shaw.” Jamie sat me up and helped me rest against the backrest. The room had grown cold and he fumbled in the dark to light the fire. Once the fire was lit, Jamie made his way back to the bed, sliding in between myself and the back of the bed as he began massaging my shoulders, before making his way to my lower back. “Ye are so tense mo nighean donn.” He whispered, “Are ye sure you’re all right?”

“I’m fine.” I lied. I couldn’t tell him what was wrong before I knew myself. He would want answers and right now I had none.

“Is that better?” He asked as I felt a large knot of tension dissipate under his warm fingers. I looked back to see that he had one eye on me, smiling as he continued while he had another towards the door still deciding if he should call for help.

“Yes.” I assured him, “It just felt like a bad cramp.” I described it to him as he made his way to the end of the bed and lifted my leg and massaged the base of my left foot.

“Blessed Michael!” Jamie exclaimed shocked, then looked up to meet my gaze. “Can ye do that again?” It sounded more like an order than a question and I tried to focus my thoughts as Jamie rubbed the pressure points deeper.

“Jamie?” I cried out. Was this a dream I asked as he massaged the soles of my feet harder. He picked up my right leg and repeated the motion. I kicked out slightly, the sensation tickling me. I started to hyperventilate as I sat there, watching my bare toes wriggling. Jamie abandoned my legs and reached forward, brushing back the hair from my face and kissing my forehead, placing his large secure palm on my chest.

“Breathe mo nighean donn.” He whispered, “For heavens sakes don’t pass out on me now.” I rubbed my back and wriggled my toes as he held me in his arms, rocking me back and forth. All the tension I had been holding threatening to overtake me as I struggled to find a healthy rhythm to my breathing.

“Jamie?” Jenny asked as she peeked her head inside the door, “I heard ye scream, are ye all right?”  
“Aye.” Jamie smiled back at her, “Get the Lieutenant. Quick.” He ordered and Jenny took one look at me, pale and stunned where I sat before him. Was this really happening? I could feel the shock slowly fading as I looked at Jamie, he held my hands in his trying to warm them, he smiled back at me tentatively. The hour was late but I could hear the whole house erupting into motion around me. “I told ye.” He said softly, his fingers brushing against my temple, “Ye just needed to have a bit of faith.”

 

JAMMF

 

Elizabeth began to stir in her crib near the bed from all the commotion and Jamie picked her up and handed her to me. The lieutenant and Lord John had been put up for the night in the south cottage and in the haste to get to their newest patient, had dressed only in their shirts and hastily pulled on breeches. Looking completely dishevelled, they came bounding into the room expecting the worst. As I held Em in my arms, bouncing her up and down to settle her as I mentally tried to feel every inch of my lower limbs, I became increasingly aware of our growing audience. Jenny came in shortly after and ushered everyone back out into the hall as Jamie grabbed Matthew and pointed him towards my toes.

“There.” Jamie exclaimed excited, “That’s good no?” He asked, “Claire said she had some pain in her back and then this happened.” Jamie noted careful to relay the details accurately.

“You said you had pain?” Matthew ignored Jamie and looked to me, the look on Matthew’s face not expressing the good news that Jamie expected to see. I gave the baby to Jamie, hoping it would prevent him going for his dirk if the news wasn’t pleasant.

“In my back and my hip, it felt like a bad cramp and I thought….” I recounted as I looked to Jamie. He looked back at me, both scared by the memory brought back to life so unexpectedly, I had experienced a similar feeling before and he knew it. “But then….”

“It’s not the bairn though is it?” Jamie told him, and asked at the same time. Jamie’s fist clenched at his side as he stood straighter, warning Matthew that nothing was to happen to the child. Matthew took a step back, glancing at John and then to me. I saw Lord John, straighten a little, sensing the same threat in Jamie as I did. Matthew may be a friend, but god help the man who gave the Scot bad news. 

“I don’t know Mr Fraser.” Matthew sensed it too, and used his authoritative tone as he took a deep breath and returned to his patient. He inspected me carefully, feeling for the tiny life inside me and for the vibrations of any tell tale contractions. Jamie stood, eyes transfixed on me as he jiggled Em up and down on his shoulder. John stood within reach to pull him back from Matthew should the need arise. Everyone in the room held their breath as the silence grew. When Matthew finally stood up and nodded, the tension in the room was ready to explode. “I believe the child is in no danger.” He confirmed, breathing a sigh of relief. Jamie and Lord John both stood back, exhaling a collective sigh of their own.  

“Then I’m right.” Jamie smiled glancing down at Em, then back at me, the despair in his eyes fading. “It’s just this fluid stuff?” Jamie asked, “It’s going like you said? She will walk again?”  


I sat back, praying silently, as Matthew tested my reflexes, and I was relieved to see that although slow, they were still there. My toes retracted from his touch and my skin crawled as he ran his fingers along it. I felt the long supressed smile light up my face as I looked at Jamie. He saw it too. “You’ll be sore for a few days yet and it might take a while to get full sensation back but I’m quite confident Mrs Fraser that you are going to make a full recovery.” Jamie passed Em to John, kissed Matthew on the forehead overjoyed with emotion, then gathered me up in his arms and kissed me thoroughly. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back.

“Ye hear that Sassenach?” Jamie asked, holding me close, “Ye not be crippled much longer. Ye’ll be chasing after the bairns again before ye know it.”     

“That’s enough.” Jenny said reaching in and pulling Jamie off of me when he made no move to let go himself, “That’s wonderful news.” She hugged me briefly, her large belly hanging between us, before stepping back and standing by the end of the bed. “I’ll go put the fire on since we’re all up. I think that this calls for a celebration.”

“Aye.” Ian, who had come to stand beside her seconded, “Ye sure ye havna some Fraser blood in ye somewhere Claire?” He asked, “Ye certainly seem to have their spirit and tenacity for overcoming the odds.” Jamie patted him on the shoulder, thanking him for his support, then turned his attention back to Matthew and John, who was still holding Em, now screaming after being thrust into the hands of a stranger.

“Shhh.” Jamie took Em from John and began to sooth her, resting her on one shoulder as he muttered his Gaelic musings to her and rubbed her back. Once Em was calm Jamie extended his arm and shook the men’s hands in turn. “I’m grateful for all you’ve done. Truly.” He nodded at John and then at Matthew.

“In truth I haven’t done anything.” Matthew shook his head.

“Aye ye have.” Jamie’s tone was firm, there would be no discussion. It was also his way of saying there were no ill feelings between them anymore.    

“I’m just glad we could be of assistance.” John bowed as he and Matthew started for the door, making their way downstairs for a warm cup of tea to warm their bones in the cool night air.  

“Get some rest Claire.” Matthew addressed me less formally now that the danger was passed, “I’ll check on ye in the morning.” He offered and then they were gone.

I sat on the bed, rubbing my hands over the tops of my legs, enjoying the sensation it brought with it. Jamie kissed me again and then sat on the side of the bed with Em still in his hands, grinning like the cat who got the cream. “You can join them if you’d like.” I was tired and not quite up for a night of drinking and rejoicing, not even with the adrenalin rush that was coursing through my body, now that the shock had worn off.

“Not a chance.” He shook his head, reaching out to take my hand as I smoothed it over our newest addition. “I told ye before mo nighean donn, there’s nothing in heaven or on earth that could make me leave ye side and I mean it. No.” He smiled, “If it’s all the same to you. All I want to do is take you in my arms and hold ye close to my heart so that I may keep ye safe.” Without waiting for a response, Jamie placed Em back in her basket, gathered me up close to him and lay with me, pressed tightly against him as we watched the flames from the newly stocked fire, flicker against the walls.

 

JAMMF

I sat by the edge of the bed, watching my toes as I wriggled them up and down and swung my legs back and forth. Jamie had finally fallen to sleep about an hour ago. The first deep sleep he had had in days and I hadn’t the heart to wake him. I myself couldn’t sleep, the tingling sensation in my toes had evolved into a warm glowing sensation as I felt the blood flowing through them. Even the cold shock of warm toes on the frozen floor wasn’t unpleasant and I repeated the action more than once, the quick flinch of my muscles as I pulled my foot back from the chill warmed my heart. My stomach grumbled and I placed a hand over it soothing my hunger, then moving down to feel the slight swell of my belly under my own fingertips. “Can you hear me?” I whispered softly, pressing slightly as I tried to imagine what position it was lying in, “Can you feel that?” I asked as I reached out to touch the ground again. “I can’t wait to see you do that too.” Em kicked out in her basket, gurgling to herself and I reached out to place a hand on her stomach, rubbing it back and forth as she gurgled louder. “And you.” I spoke to her, “You’ll be walking before we know it as well.” I told her.

I remembered when Bree had first started to walk, she was barely a year old but that hadn’t stopped her. Frank and I had been forced to put up barriers all over the house as she sped her way down the halls and climbed over anything she could get a grip on. She was quite the adventurer, she still was, I recalled. Even though Em was almost five months old, she already had a strong kick and her father’s strong bone structure. Watching her bare legs flying around her crib, I realised that by the time Em was twelve months old, the child in my womb would be slightly younger than she is now. For a moment I imagined holding him in my arms as Bree and Jamie taught Em to walk. Jamie standing behind her, his hands holding hers as she rested on wobbly legs and walked towards Bree who had her arms stretched out ready to catch her. “There lass.” I imagined him saying as Em made it safely into Bree’s arms. I looked back towards the sleeping red head behind me, wanting to share the memory, the hope, with him. He stirred, smiled still lost in his own dream then exhaled and was still again.  

 

The wind outside momentarily blew the chill off of the floor and up my shift and a different sensation filled my thoughts. I rubbed my sides, it was almost light and Jamie would be waking soon. Could I hold on a little longer? The chamber pot was over by the window, pushed out of the way last night in all of the commotion I presumed. I wriggled my toes, pressing into the souls of my feet as I contemplated my next move. My bones creaked slightly, an insignificant pain travelling the length of my legs as I tried to put my weight on them, I released the pressure, exhaled and tried again. “There.” I whispered to myself, “It’s nothing.” I looked around, and finding myself seated in the middle of the bed, I shuffled to my right and reached out to take the bedpost at the end of the bed for support. I gripped it tight, making sure my wrists would take the strain, then began to push myself up off of the sheets. My knees wobbled and I gripped the post tight, my hands were sweating and I sat down wiping them on my skirts before trying again. I took a deep breath, judged the distance, eight steps, maybe ten. It was so close. I looked back towards Jamie, then forwards to the pot. “I can do this.” I said to myself and Em as she stared at me from her crib. Grabbing the pole, I pulled myself back to my feet and waited till they stopped shaking.

“Claire?” Jamie sat bolt upright in bed, took one look at me, scowled and then threw back the covers as he leapt out of bed and came to my side.

“Traitor.” I scowled at Em, who had decided to wail just as I was about to take my first step. And who now, sat content as she had been moments earlier staring at the two of us, Jamie naked by my side as he took my hand from the pole and lowered me back onto the bed.

“What do ye think you were doing?” Jamie asked, looking me over for injury.

“Stop that.” I said, brushing his hand away from where he was checking my legs for marks, “I just needed to go to the toilet.”

“Well why didn’t ye wake me ye stubborn woman?” He asked, looking around for the chamber pot and finding it by the window. He looked at me, deciding it was safe to take his eyes off of me for a moment, little chance I would do anything else foolish, and reached out to pull it closer.

“I feel fine Jamie. Honest.”  
“Aye, well.” Jamie nodded, shaking his head in debate, “Matthew said it would take some time for ye to fully heal and I mean to make sure ye don’t injure yeself again before ye do.” He placed the pot strategically under me, helped me lift my shift and supported my weight, placing his hands on my hips as I relieved myself. Focused on my tasks, my legs still a little shaky, I waited until I was sufficiently rested on the bed again before replying.

“I had to know Jamie.” I apologised, “I needed to know it was real.” I looked at my toes still shifting back and forth across the cold surface.

“I ken Sassenach I do.” And I knew he did, “But If it’s all the same to you, I’ll not be taking any chances, aye?” He looked at me, then to the window, the urgency of my bladder relieved, the distance seemed much further now. “What would ye have done if ye couldn’t make it?” He asked me, a tone of reprimand in his voice that I had heard him use on young Jamie and Fergus.

“Likely landed on my ass.” I smiled at him, trying to relieve the tension. But it didn’t work. He looked at me disapprovingly, his stare cut right through me as I imagined lying flat on the floor, helpless as I called out his name, my legs under me like dead weights. “I’m sorry.” I lowered my gaze, ashamed that he was right. He didn’t say anything, just took me by the chin, lifted my eyes up to meet mine as kissed me.

“Come Sassenach.” He lifted my legs back onto the bed and pulled the covers over me. “We don’t want ye to catch ye death as well.” Jamie smiled as he, in a state of complete undress, made his way slowly over to the fire to get it started. If anyone was going to catch a death of cold it was going to be Jamie Fraser, but even the devil himself wouldn’t risk Jamie’s wrath if he could help it. 

 

JAMMF

 

Jamie held me firm against him, one hand around my waist and another holding my elbow as I insisted on making my own way down the stairs to join the others for breakfast. I heard and felt Jamie’s frustrated protests as we made our way to the bottom of the stairs, taking it one wobbly step at a time. We found everyone dining informally in the kitchen and were greeted with looks of awe and disapproval. It was hard not to notice Jenny’s disapproving stare as she locked eyes with Jamie. He glanced away momentarily, avoiding her wrath, as he searched for the nearest chair.

“Here ma’am.” John was on the bench nearest us and upon seeing Jamie’s search, hastily got off of his seat and motioned for me to take it. “It’s good to see you on your feet again ma’am.” He bowed, hovering close behind, ready to catch me, as Jamie lowered me onto the bench. “There ye go lass.” He said, as he waited a moment to make sure I was able to sit on my own before letting go. I recalled my premonition from last night and chuckled briefly to myself. Jamie let go and stood back, as John did the same.

“That feels much better.” I assured them both as I placed my hand on the table trying to decide what I felt like for breakfast. Jamie poured me a glass of ale and handed it to me as Jenny placed a fresh batch of hot porridge on the table. Jamie leaned over and poured a bowl for the both for each of us, as John reached for something to his left and then handed me a spoon. I wondered rather ungratefully if they were going to chew my food for me as well, and supressed the urge to tell them to back off. “Thank you Mr Grey.” I nodded and took the spoon, breathing over the bowl to cool it down.

“This is most delightful. Thank you Mrs Murray.” Matthew finished his first bowl and was preparing to pour another.

“You certainly now the way to a man’s heart.” Murtagh agreed, “If ye weren’t already taken I’d ask ye to marry me yerself.” He nodded to Ian who sat at the head of the table, his bowl finished as he began to feed young Ian.   

“Good thing I got in first then aye.” Ian smiled at Jenny, and I saw her smile back, her features relaxed and almost jovial. Jenny was normally a straight forward stone faced woman and it was rare to see her let her guard down. Not in such company anyway. I took a sip from my own bowl, letting the warmth fill my own belly and sat back to watch the room around me.

“Will ye be heading back then John?” Jamie asked, finally leaving my side and taking a seat nearby.

“I’m afraid I must.” He nodded regretfully, “I’ve formal matters to see to and I need to lodge my report.” I had almost forgotten why he was here in the first place and I wondered just what the future had in store for dear Mr Wilmington. “I’ll miss your cooking though Mistress Murray. These are the finest meals I’ve eaten in some time.”

Jenny blushed, her food was good, real good and I had told her often but she had always brushed the remark aside and thought it just polite banter. But the look on John’s face made it clear that he was being honest with her. “Well if ye can stay till mid morning I’ll have Mrs Crook whip you up a wee hamper to take with ye.” She nodded and returned to her bubbling pot over the fire.

“Will ye be going back to Inverness then?” Murtagh asked as he scooped the last of his porridge and place the empty bowl on the table.

“Yes.” John looked to Matthew and then to Jamie. “I’ll be stopping by the McInness Estate first to check on the men, and to leave my orders with the new commander there first though.”  
“The new commander.” Ian’s eyes shot up, reflecting the tension in Jamie’s. First there had been Lt Myers, a friendly soul overly fond of his ale, then Wilmington a seditious and evil man. Who would they have to deal with next and would they be worse than the man they were replacing? “And who would that be?” Ian continued, as Jamie listened carefully.

“That would be me.” Matthews stepped forward, “Lord Grey offered me the position last night and I accepted it. I will be in charge of the regiment from now on.” Matthew looked at Jamie, and then at Jenny and Ian. “And you can rest assured that what happened here before will never happen here ever again.”

“Well then.” I lifted my glass and prepared to make a toast, “To your new command Lieutenant Johnston, and to a safe journey back for the both of you.”

“Here, here.” Murtagh seconded as everyone cheered and emptied their glasses. It was welcomed news indeed, and I sensed Jamie relax beside me as he poured another ale for himself and the other men around the table.

I pushed my glass out, indicating I was ready for a second glass as well, but he corked the bottled and shook his head. “I dinna think so Sassenach.” He grinned at me, “Ye’ve only just got ye legs back, I dinna think it wise for you to be drunk as well.”

“I agree.” Matthews winked at me, as Jamie stared at him surprised but grateful that he was taking his lead. “As your doctor I have to agree with your husband.” He repeated, “At least for now.” He winked hedging his bets both ways. 


	27. To Future Plans

Chapter 27: To Future Plans

 

Lt Johnston and Lord John Grey had left later that afternoon, promising to send news of their report on Cpt Wilmington. It was late summer and Jamie had agreed, eventually, to allow me to sit in the front yard and tend to my garden. The girls had been keeping an eye on it for me, but there were some plants that needed specific growing requirements and I needed to see to them before they wilted completely. After several days, I found myself almost fully recovered, except for a slight twinge in my leg every now and then. Jamie reluctantly returned to working in the fields with Ian and Murtagh and I helped Jenny to prepare the house for the coming Autumn. Life at Lallybroch returned to normal and the events of the last few weeks faded into a distant memory.

It was late October, Harvest time and the whole house was buzzing with occupants going back and forth as they tended to their chores and prepared the newly harvest crops for storage over the coming months. As it always did this time of year, the nights grew dark quicker and the air was much cooler. Jenny tired easily, with only three weeks to go, and I had taken over some of the cooking duties under Mrs Crooks watchful eye.

Tonight, I had prepared my latest attempt at rabbit stew, complete with fresh rabbits caught and skinned by Jamie himself.  Jenny had given me the recipe and Mrs Crook had instructed me every step of the way. My last two attempts had been less than edible but as the smell of the boiling meat rose from the pot above the fire, I was certain that this attempt was going to be much better. Jamie, Ian, Jenny and the children sat patiently around the table as Mrs Crook carried the large pot out into the dining room and sat it in the middle of the table. Murtagh and Fergus had excused themselves earlier, something about having to check the back paddock before taking a handful of bannocks and leaving hastily by the back door. I tried not to be offended, but I couldn’t blame them. Even Mrs Crook had set aside some meat for an extra pie just in case.

The room was silent as Jamie, who glanced at Ian who shook his head negatively and then back to me, grabbed his bowl and scooped out a serving for himself. Everyone, watched with baited breath as he took a small spoonful then ladled it into his mouth. His lips closed, the spoonful of meat, celery, turnips and other matter trapped inside. I hoped I had seasoned it correctly, I had added too much pepper last time and his eyes had stung for hours. Jamie rolled the substance around on his tongue for a moment then swallowed. As he looked at me, the sour look on his face, echoed by the look of defeat on mine, changed into a grin as his lip curled up and he chuckled. “That’s a fine stew Sassenach. Ye did well.” He offered a hand, and I reached out and took it as he pulled me towards him and kissed me. “We’ll make a lady of ye yet.” He teased me as I stepped back and watched the others ladled small portions into their own bowls. One by one they relaxed, finishing their bowls and going back for more. I took my seat by Jamie and scooped out a bowl for myself. It wasn’t half bad I decided as I scooped out the last of my bowl with a slice of bread I had made earlier that day. The rich aroma’s filed my senses and I silently congratulated myself on a job well done.

“Here mo nighean donn.” Jamie poured me a drink and handed it to me, his hand resting on mine as I took the cup from him. “I think ye’ve earned this.” He smiled at me, taking a slice of bread for himself and buttering it carefully. “What did ye say ye make with these again?” He asked placing a piece in his mouth.

“Sandwiches.” I nodded, taking a sip of his latest batch of whisky, “Or you can fry it in the fire and make toast with it.”  
“Toast?” He rolled the word around on his tongue but it was so foreign to him he had no concept of what I was saying.

“I’ll make you some tomorrow.” I promised him as he put the knife down and took a sip of his own whiskey. “After I’ve made a new batch of bread.” I added noting that it was almost gone.        

“I’d best fetch ye some more flour from the mill then.” He smiled, his eyes lingering on mine, “Would ye like to go for a ride tomorrow? I’ll take ye with me.”  
“You mean leave Lallybroch?” I mocked him, he had kept me close to the house for months now first due to my fall and then as my pregnancy advanced, “Are you sure you can risk it?”

“I dinna think you’ll try anything foolish while I’m with ye.” He winked at me, grinning, “And if ye do I’ll be there to stop ye.”

“Well in that case.” I bowed teasingly, “I would love to come.”  

 

JAMMF

“I’ve been thinking Claire.” Jamie began after some time, I knew there was something on his mind, his body was still tense as we lay on the bed and he hadn’t moved to take me close to him after we had made love.

“I know.” I replied, rolling over to face him, “What has you so troubled?”

“Not troubled, it’s just.” He rolled over, facing me so that our eyes looked into each others. He rested his head on one arm, and reached out and grabbed my hand in the other. “I think it’s time we had our own place. It’s getting a bit crowded around here don’t ye think?”  
“What? Leave Lallybroch?” What would make him consider such a thing?

“No.” He shook his head, “I could never leave here, it’s my home, where I belong.” He reminded me, “But maybe it’s time we had a place of our own. My father built this place with his own two hands ye ken, I could build ye a fine home mo nighean donn, big enough for all of our barins to have their own space.” He squeezed my hands, like he did when he wanted me to take him seriously.

It was true that Lallybroch was a fine house, boasting 4 large rooms for the main family and a south cottage for our guests. Jenny and Ian slept in one room, Jamie and I in the other. The girls; 9yo Maggie, 7yo Bree, 7yo Katherine occupied a third room, and would soon be joined by Elizabeth in a year when she was weaned. The boys; 12yo Jamie and 3yo Ian occupied the second. While 16yo Rabbie and 15yo Fergus slept in the loft above the stables. The situation worked for now, but with two more children on the way in the near future, and maybe even more after that, Lallybroch was shrinking by the minute. I knew Jamie loved living in the house that his father had built, but it wasn’t his house anymore it was Jenny’s and young Jamie’s. Maybe he was right, maybe it was time that we did make a home for ourselves.

“I’d like that.” I squeezed his hand back and smiled at him, “A place of our own.”  
“Aye.” He looked through me a moment, lost in thought, then he smiled back at me, “It will be a fine house mo gradh, fit for a queen.”  
“Whatever you build will be fine for me Jamie. But where will you build it?” I could think of at least three places on the estate that would be suitable, all of them close enough to the house so that we could still be useful, but private enough for us to have some time alone.      

“I have an idea about that too.” He grinned sheepishly at me, “It will be a fine house Claire, with a grand room for its master.” Jamie squeezed my buttocks pulling me closer, “And his lady. With another four rooms, one each for our bairns, and another just in case.” He rubbed my belly, it’s occupant kicking him swiftly as it reached out against the intrusion.

“How many were you planning on having?” I asked him, as I shot him a look that warned him to think about his answer.

“Well Jenny has the 4 bairns, 5 now and I doubt it will be her last, so I think it best we have six or seven of our own, just to be sure.” His hand lowered from the small of my back to somewhere lower and more private as he grinned pleasantly.

“I see.” I shook my head in debate, “And who is going to have these children for you?” I asked him pushing his hand away, “I don’t know if I’ve got another four in me.”

“We’ll see Sassenach.” He said, kissing me on the forehead to let me know he meant no harm by it. “There’ll be a fine room for all ye wee herbs too and a room with a fine hearth for us to watch the children and our grandchildren playing of a night time.”

“Grandchildren.” He had thought this plan of his out thoroughly, “Don’t ye think Bree’s a little young? She’s only seven.”

“Aye, but she’s be a lass soon enough.” He replied regretfully,

“And if her husband wants her to live on his estate?” I asked, wondering if Jamie had considered that scenario.

“Nay. She’ll live here, they all will and I’ll build them all grand houses when the time is right.”  
“Yes Master.” I nodded, grabbing his buttocks and pulling him closer, the only thing between us, the swell of our child already 6 months gone. He rubbed a hand lovingly over it, feeling the tiny bumps underneath move about, then brushed back my hair and began to kiss me behind my ear, his hands cupping my breasts as his knee nudged between my legs. “I do so ache with loving ye Claire.” He whispered into my ear.

“And I you.” I whispered back as he flipped me onto my back, his touch warm on my skin.

 

JAMMF

 

Jamie rested behind me, his hands cupped over my belly as he held us close to him and I felt myself drifting off in a cloud of bliss before a rush of cold air wafted over the bed and the slight creak of the heavy wooden door announced a visitor. Maggie knocked softly on the door and then came to stand by my side of the bed, ignoring the fact that Jamie slept completely naked behind me as was his custom. I pulled the sheet up over me a little higher and opened my eyes. “What is it?” I asked half asleep, half deliriously exhausted.

“It’s ma. She’s got the pains.” She whispered as Jamie pulled me closer in his half dreamlike state and opened his eyes. He looked towards the bed and realised that Maggie was watching him, I felt him inhale sharply as he propped his head up, keeping me between them for modesty. “She’s moaning real bad.”

“Christ Sassenach What ye put in the stew?” He asked as grabbed his shirt at the end of the bed and pulled it over his head.

“Quiet you.” I elbowed him in the ribs and returned my attention to Maggie. “Tell your mother I’ll be there in a moment.”

“She says to come quick. She doesn’t think this one is going to wait.”

“Go make sure the water is boiled.” I ordered Maggie as she promptly ran towards the kitchen. I reached for my own shirt, failing to find it until Jamie threw it in my direction, along with my skirt, and hurried to make myself decent.

“Can I do anything for ye Sassenach?” Jamie asked, his kilt now secured as he opened the door for me.

“No. Just keep Ian company will you. If Maggie is right, I don’t think this is going to take long at all.” Jamie kissed me on the forehead, handed me my box of medicines he had grabbed from the table and stepped with me out into the hall. Ian was pacing by the door, having already been thrown out of the room by Jenny. Jamie shot me a ‘good luck lass’ look and grabbed Ian by the arm and escorted him downstairs.

“Right.” I took a deep breath and went to meet my patient.

 

JAMMF

 

Maggie was right. Jenny was already in full labour and there was barely enough time for Rabbie and Fergus to bring up the straw bedding before her labour progressed and she was ready to push the newest Murray out into the world.

“Christ Claire.” Jenny swore under her breath as the next contraction came so fast she could hardly catch her breath. “This little one isn’t wasting any time is it?”  
“Indeed he’s not.” I agreed, rubbing her back as she leaned into the bedpost. Her labour had progressed fast and she looked more exhausted than usual. “Can I get you anything?”

“Aye, Jamie’s dirk so I can get this wean out of me. I’m getting too old for this.” She moaned. She was a year younger than me, and this was her fifth child. She loved her children dearly, but I could see that the latest pregnancy had taken its toll on her. I tried to offer her some whiskey to keep her strength up, but she refused even that. “I made you a promise once Claire, that I would look after ye if the worst should happen.” She stated as she breathed through another pain, “I need ye to swear to me Claire that you’ll do the same for me. That ye’ll look after Ian and the bairns for me.”  
“Of course I will but hush. You’re not dying.”

“Aye, I am.” She argued with me, “Oh Christ.” She squatted on the floor by the bed and I guided her over to the hay. She reached out for my hands and gripped them so tight they turned white, “Swear it Claire, I need to hear ye swear it.”  
“I swear.” I promised her, “Now shut up and push, I can feel the head.” Jenny took a deep breath and pushed as hard as she could. I felt the head, peak slightly and then withdraw as Jenny fell back limp in my arms. “One more time Jenny.” I tried to let her go, to catch the child at the other end but she had no strength left within her. “I need ye to stay with me Jenny, just a little bit longer.” I looked around, thinking. I didn’t want to frighten anyone but I needed some help and fast.

 

“Sassenach?” Jamie tapped on the door, the pot of boiling water in his hands as he made his way in slowly and placed it by the fireplace. Jenny passed out a moment, then woke up a look of sheer pain on her face as she appeared more like a ghost than her former self.

“Is she all right?” Jamie looked as white as a ghost himself. He’d seen the look too.

“Here.” I reached out for him, and slid out from behind Jenny as I pushed him into my place, “Keep her awake and for Christ sakes make her push.”

“Jenny?” Jamie shook his sister, her eyes opened up, rolled back in her head then fixed themselves on me.

“This is it Jenny.” I promised her, pressing down on her belly with one hand as I prepared to catch the child with the other. Jamie shifted his gaze from Jenny to me and then back again repeatedly. “That’s it,” I said to both of them, “Now push.” I noticed Jamie, digging his fingers into Jenny’s hand, I thought her bones might break and I began to chastise him for it, until I saw the glare she gave her brother and realised that the adrenalin rush it bought with it was just what she needed. I grabbed the tiny head in my hand, twisted the shoulders free and waited for the ‘pop’ that announced that Murray number five was born. Jenny fell back into Jamie’s arms, who held her gently in his own embrace.

“Ye did it mo gradh, rest now.” He wiped the sweat from her head and passed her a glass of ale. Ian, who had come to see what was taking Jamie so long paused in the doorway, I waved him inside and after wiping the infant clean and swaddling in the blanket Jenny had made, I handed him to his father.

“You have a son.” I told them, “A healthy son.” I took a moment to share a warm glance at Jamie, his sister already asleep in his arms as Ian cradled his new child.

“And Jenny?” Ian asked, as I cleaned up the afterbirth. I checked her pulse and made a quick investigation of her health.

“She’s fine.” I assured them, and myself, “It was just a quick birth is all, she’ll be fine once she’s had some rest.”

“You can say that again.” Ian said holding his son fondly. “She woke me barely an hour ago.”

“Some babies are like that.” I reminded them as I nodded to Jamie and he picked Jenny up and placed her gently in her own bed. “Let her rest and I’ll watch over her tonight.”

“And this little one?” Ian handed the child to Jamie as he took a seat by Jenny’s side. Jamie looked at his newest nephew, counting his fingers and toes and checking him over for himself.

“I guess you can go and introduce him to his sisters and brothers. I’m sure they are eager to meet him.”

 

JAMMF

I left Ian with Jenny and made my way downstairs. To find Jamie on the seat by the fire, the new child in his arms as the rest of the household gathered around them. Fergus was cradling a sleeping Elizabeth as Jamie kept the littlest Murray content with his pinkie finger resting in his mouth.

“Is ma all right?” Maggie asked as she stroked her new brothers cheek.

“Aye.” Jamie nodded, “Dinna fash, ye aunty Claire says she just needs some rest.” He looked up at me, his eyes meeting mine as I noted the supress fear that lay in them. I smiled, walked casually over to the seat and sat beside him, taking the child from his arms.

“Hello Michael.” I began, taking another look at my newest patient. “Your mother is very sorry she couldn’t meet you just yet but you came so fast I’m afraid she is asleep from exhaustion but not to mind.” I said looking at Maggie, then Jamie, both older and younger, “Let her rest for an hour and she will be so happy to meet you.” I reached out and took Jamie’s hand in mine, “I promise.” His heart still raced beneath his skin, but I felt his hand relax as he reached out and brought young Ian onto his lap, a soggy bannock in his mouth.  

“He’s a bit small.” Katherine announced as she looked her brother over the way I had seen Jamie inspect a new foal. “Is he supposed to be so pink?”  
“He’s perfect.” I said lifting him up to look at him in the eye, “Aren’t you Michael.”

“He’s a bonny lad.” Jamie agreed, “Your grandsire would be very proud of ye.” Jamie nodded towards the family plot where his father was buried, “Do ye think he has the dark hair like his grandsire, or the red hair like his grandmother?” He asked, staring at the two strands of hair in the dim firelight.

“Only time will tell.” I shook my head, “But he’s got the Fraser features that’s for sure, just like young Ian.”

 

It was only an hour past midnight when the house had finally settled. Jamie had sent the children into their beds and had managed to convince young Ian and Em to sleep in our bed under his watchful eye. I had tried to relieve Ian from watching over Jenny, but he had insisted that I needed my rest more than he did and sent me back to my room. I checked to make sure that Jenny was in no danger and then made my leave to rest with Jamie. With the five of us in the bed, Young Ian in the middle, Em in Jamie’s arms, Michael in mine, there was little sleeping to be done, but we could rest our eyes at least. I felt the child moving inside of me, it’s imminent arrival in a few months reminding me how precious life can be, and recalled Jenny’s word. “You made me make you an oath.” She had said, as a chill ran down my spine. Thankfully I hadn’t needed her to fulfil that oath, but what if I wasn’t so lucky this time? No. I shook the thought away. I’d promised myself not to let fear overwhelm me. I looked across the bed, Jamie was watching me and I smiled at him. He smiled back, but he’s eyes echoed mine. We had been very lucky tonight but our blissful bubble had been cruelly burst open.

“I’ll see ye safe.” He promised me, whispering across the bed.

“I know.” I nodded, pushing back my fears. “I love you.”  
“I love ye too mo nighen donn. Always.”

 

JAMMF

Jenny woke just before dawn. Ian had come in to fetch me, as Jamie and I lay wide awake watching over the youngest children. I gathered Michael in my arms and went to check on her. I was relieved to see she was sitting up in the bed, her colour was back to normal and she had a look of determination on her face.

“There’s my child.” She said reaching out to take him from me before she placed him effortlessly on her breast and he sucked blissfully content at the milk it delivered. I watched Jenny as she watched her child, taking in his sweet dimples and healthy complexion.

“He’s perfectly healthy.” I assured her, sitting on the bed beside her as I made a few more observations. “And so are you by the looks of it.”  
“Of course I am.” She bit back at me, a smile of joviality on her face. “Never doubted it.”

“Of course you didn’t.” I checked her pulse, her eyes, her reflexes, all good. Ian let out a deep breath he’d been holding and took her by the hand.

“We named him Michael, like ye wanted.” He informed her lovingly, relieved she was well.

“I’d expect no less.” She grinned back at him, her usual banter restored. It sounded cold and distant, but it was the way they told each other how they felt.  

Seeing that my patient, patients were in no harm I made my way off of the bed to leave them in peace. I was just about to turn and head for the door when Jenny called out. “I never thanked ye Claire. For delivering my son for me. I’m most grateful to ye.”   
“It was my pleasure.” I smiled at her, “Just keep him safe, and try to get some rest.” I added, knowing she would want to be back in charge of the house as soon as possible. Jenny was not one to tolerate other people telling her what to do, or doing her duties for her, much like her brother I noted, thinking of the red headed Scot resting down the hall. Jenny nodded and I left the room and entered the hall, taking a deep breath and thanking who ever might be listening that she and the child were safe.   


	28. Harvest

Chapter 28: Harvest

“I don’t think this is a good idea?” I told him. Everyone was tired. The last of the crops were being harvested and most of the men on the estate had been working till long past fatigue set in for the past six weeks now and tempers were high. Jenny’s youngest child was only three weeks old and had been restless since his first night. Michael didn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time, screaming his lungs out day and night as he quickly wore down the patience of even a saint. Jenny was exhausted, as we all were. We had been taking it in turns to keep him company night and day so that others could rest. Elizabeth had started to cut her first tooth and was just as restless and grumpy as Michael which didn’t help matters. Jamie and Ian tried to help as best they could, but even they needed to sleep every now and then, often collapsing in the chair each night before dinner had even been served. I made every effort to be more help around the house, to keep the younger children out of everybody’s hair, but my own stamina had been waning lately as I struggled to keep up with the demands of my advanced pregnancy and to top it all off I had just remembered that it was Bree’s birthday in four days.

As I handed Michael over to Mrs Crook, taking my leave of him after soothing him for the last several hours since breakfast, I left the other women to their work in the kitchen, snuck upstairs and took a long needed quiet seat by the fire, closing my eyes for a moment. ‘Right Beauchamp, get a grip.’ I told myself. Bree’s a big girl, she’ll understand, I thought. Besides, times were hard and it wasn’t customary to celebrate ones birthday with a party here, as it was or had been, back home. Maybe it was time to let some old traditions, or newer traditions, rest. I slipped off my shoes, rested my feet on the small chest nearby and let the noise of the fire crackling away drift through my thoughts.

 

JAMMF

 

“Nay. It’s a bonny Idea.” Jamie denied my concerns about his most recent plan as he slipped out of his dusty clothes and collapsed into the chair beside me. He had come up to find me not long after I had snuck away from the others, looking just as tired as I felt. I knew he had Fergus and the others keeping an eye on me when he was in the fields, but he also found any excuse he could to check on me in person. I had long since stopped arguing that I was fine, and found joy in the fact that even after so long together he still cared for me the way that he did. Today’s excuse, or so I had been led to believe, was Donas having come up lame after he picked up a stone. Although I was quiet certain that said stone didn’t exist.

“You want to hold a bonfire, a party? Now?” I asked him, noting that he could barely stand on his own, exhausted and hanging onto the bedpost for support he nodded, the expression on his face contorted as he tried to contemplate my reasons for my concern. Bewildered, he made his way to sit before me on the other chair.

“Aye.” He took my foot and placed it on his lap while he massaged the knots from my feet. “We’re all bone weary, ye said it yeself, what better way to lift everyone’s spirits than to hold a gathering?”

“I don’t know?” A thousand thoughts flew through my mind, the catering and the hosting for one. None of us felt very social at the moment. I felt the rush of ecstasy as the muscle Jamie had been rubbing surrendered and I let out a deep sigh of relief as Jamie put down the first foot and gathered up the second. Despite the callouses on his hands, his touch was warm and soft.

“It can serve to announce Michael’s birth and to celebrate Bree’s birthday as well.” He grinned at me, certain his idea was brilliant, and picking up on my guilt for not having organised anything myself. Damn, how did he read my mind like that?

I closed my eyes, too tired to open them again without effort. “I don’t think Jenny will go for it.” I warned him, as I felt his warm hands pressing into the knotted flesh of my soul, I knew she wouldn’t. She was already complaining that there was too much work to be done, too many extra mouths to feed this winter. Three more families had come to join us on the estate and Jamie had insisted on sharing some of our food stores with them while they established themselves. I didn’t disagree with him, but the strain on our limited resources was starting to show, we had the funds from the cattle of course, but it was too risky to buy so many supplies without being noticed.

“Let me worry about Jenny.” Jamie insisted, as I let out a defiant sigh and rubbed my belly as the occupant turned and wriggled inside. I hoped the child would let me sleep tonight, it had been restless lately like its cousin and its sister and I hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in weeks. Jamie leaned forward, rubbed his hands where mine had been and kissed the area above my naval. I played with the curls of his dusty red hair as he rested his head a moment, then smiled as he looked up at me and smiled back. “Ye look worn out mo nighean donn, come.” He held out a hand and pulled me onto my feet and into his warm inviting chest. Slowly he undid the laces of my bodice and took off my corset and then my skirt with a skill borne of years of practice tossing them aside till only my shift remained. “Dinner can wait. Lay with me a while and rest ye head. It’s been a long day Sassenach and I just want to hold ye in my arms a moment while I’m still awake enough to do so.” He didn’t wait for my reply, leading me to the bed and laying me down blissfully beside him. I tried to stay awake, to enjoy the feel of him beside me and the scent of a long day out in the field, dry hay, sweat and a hint of lemon grass, but I heard him snore softly behind me and I closed my eyes to join him.

 

JAMMF

I woke sometime later feeling much more refreshed and with the odd sensation that I was alone in the bed. I reached out beside me finding only warm sheets beneath my fingers. He hadn’t been gone long. Lifting my head I looked around the room and saw him, standing by the fire, bare as a newborn, his taught buttocks sending warm thoughts through me as I watched him stoke the flames. Beside him I saw a tray with two meals on it keeping warm by the fire. Jenny or one of the girls must have brought it up while we were asleep, as I was fairly certain, or at least I hoped, that Jamie would at least have put his kilt on before going to fetch us something to eat. I looked at the clock, it was barely ten at night and I listened for the sound of people below. To my surprise, the house was quiet, even the wails of Michael and Em were distinctly absent, too absent. I looked around the room again and then noticed that even Em’s basket was gone. Had Jenny taken her to sleep with them for the night I wondered? Jamie hadn’t noticed me wake and was standing by the fire, reading something intently, a note left on the tray by the looks of it. I gathered the covers around me to keep warm “Where are the children?” I asked him.

“Mrs McNeil has them.” Jamie nodded, “She offered to take them for the night and Jenny agreed. Murtagh’s taken them.”

“She what?” How could Jenny just give her child away, and mine? I made to get out of bed to go after them but Jamie grabbed my arm and stopped me. “It’s payment.” He explained, “For the food we gave them last week. She’s got four bairns of her own and she kens what she’s doing.” Jamie insisted, “Jenny’s sent young Maggie with them just in case.”

“You can’t be happy about this surely?” I had a sudden urge to go down to Mrs McNeil’s croft and make sure my children were safe. A widow herself, two of her sons were almost fully grown, her daughter was Maggies age and she had another daughter a year younger. Rationally I knew that Jamie was right, that they were safe, but the thought that Em wasn’t close by, where I could keep her safe, sent unpleasant ripples through my body.    
“If it gives us a good nights sleep, I cannae say I disagree.” Jamie reflected truthfully, listening again to the sounds of a quiet house for once. “Best take our luck while it comes Sassenach, there’ll be three bairns in the house in a matter of weeks and there’ll be no rest for anyone then.” I looked towards the hall outside, to the nursery at the end filled with beds and sleeping children and I rubbed my belly absently, he was right. Em was only eight months old and I was already close to seven months pregnant myself. In less than three months we would have three children under the age of one in the house and silence and sleep would be a distant memory. I sank back into the bed and let out a sigh of defeat. Jamie watched me intently, I knew he’d go and get them back if I asked him but I nodded and relaxed my defences. I saw Jamie’s lip curl as he grinned at his minor win, and then at me. He placed the letter on the tray and he pulled me closer to join me, taking my hand in his.

“You’re right.” I surrendered as he stroked my hair where it fell across my cheek and I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck. “It’s just…”  
“I ken Sassenach.” He said kissing the top of my head, “I feel the same, but I trust that Murtagh will see them safe.” Jamie brushed my cheek with the back of his hand and I felt his gaze linger on me a moment more. “Just say the word mo gradh and I’ll fetch them back for ye.”   

“Do you know what I want to do?” I told him seductively, his eyes meeting mine as his lip curled at the infliction in my voice.

“Aye, but ye’ll tell me anyway Sassenach I suppose.” He said kissing me on the forehead again.

I looked towards the tray on the hearth, “I want to eat this meal.” I began softly and slowly, playing with the curls of his hair at the back of his neck “And then I want to crawl under those sheets with you and stay there, wrapped in your arms until tomorrow afternoon.”

“Well Sassenach.” Jamie leaned down to kiss me, his lips warm as they engulfed mine “You certainly know what a man wants to hear.” He smiled, passing me a bowl of hot stew and a spoon and we sat there, eating in silence and enjoying each other’s company, alone for the first time in weeks.   

 

JAMMF

 

“It’s just a few people Jenny, there’s naught much for ye to do just a few stews. I’ll go hunting with Fergus and the boys tomorrow. There are still some deer left deep in the forest and the other tenants will be glad to help.”  
“Help. Help ye say, like I havna enough people underfoot here as it is?” Jenny glared at her brother, waving the spoon in her hand with displeasure, “Aye, and I suppose you’ll be wanting me to see to all the preparations and such, and the cleaning up afterwards?”

“No, of course not. Rabbie and Fergus would be more than happy to help.” Jamie offered peering over at the two boys in the corner, watching on with amusement as he gestured for them to step forward. Fergus put down the apple he had been turning over in his hand and tugged at Rabbie to stand taller.

“Aye.” Fergus stepped forward, “We will have everything under control Milady.” He bowed and went to stand by Jenny, looking around the room like a professional eyeing off his latest challenge. Then using his best French charm, Fergus grabbed Jenny by the elbow and escorted her towards the nearby seat. “You just rest Milady, I have everything under control here.” He grinned, waving a reluctant Rabbie over to him.

“Aye, and I am the Virgin Mary.” Jenny scoffed, standing up from her seat and taking back her kitchen. She nodded at Jamie then smiled “I suppose ye have a point though, and we could all do with a little celebrating around here.” Jenny eyed Fergus, tasting her latest stew in the corner and smacked him on the backside to shoo him away.

“So you’ll do it?” Jamie asked excitedly. He knew his sister well enough to know how to bend her will to his.

“Aye. I suppose I will.” Jenny nodded “Now get, all of ye, I’ve got a lot to do if we are to be ready in time.”  
“Thank ye Jenny.” Jamie bowed and kissed his sister on the forehead, “I’ll send Claire in to help ye if ye like.”  
“You will not.” Jenny said a little too abruptly for her own liking, “I mean, I’m sure she has enough to do looking after Michael and Em and tending to her garden.”  
“Aye.” Jamie tried to supress a grin, he knew what Jenny thought of Claire’s cooking attempts and he was often grateful that Claire couldna understand the Gaelic language especially when Jenny had her dander up, “I ken she cannae cook, but I’m sure she can peel a potato or two for ye.” Jamie went to leave, then remembered his promise to Claire, and turned back wondering how best to approach the topic, “Jenny, mo gradh, there was one more thing.” He hesitated, biting his lip,

“What is it?” Jenny asked already distracted by her preparations for her next culinary creation.

“It’s Bree’s birthday ye ken, and…..”  
“Aye.” Jenny grinned at her brother, “I’ll see she has a wee cake. I dinnae know when I will get the time, but I’ll make sure of it.” Jamie walked back over and gave his sister another kiss on the forehead, she was too good to him and he knew it.

“Mama would be right proud of ye Jenny. You’re a fine woman.” Jamie told her.

“Enough of that.” Jenny blushed, “Now off to the fields with ye. Ian will be waiting.” Jamie bowed gracefully and left Jenny to her kitchen, glad to have one more item marked off of his to do list for the day.

 

JAMMF

Jamie got his gathering three days later. The night was still early, the sun was still in the sky above but already there were men, woman and families gathered around, sipping on Jamie’s newest batch of whisky, sampling Jenny’s cooking and relaxing after another long day in the fields. I sat on the makeshift bench made from hay bales and an old wooden plank, watching as hands were shaken, memories shared and the sounds of laughter filled the air. It was nice to be surrounded by company again, to forgot the trials of day to day life and just be. Mrs McNeil was currently seated beside me, enlightening me on how to cure Young Ian’s rash with her herbs, and I was educating her with my medical knowledge on how to treat minor infections with my latest experimental ointment. She was sceptical at first, but more open minded to my exotic ways than most who still believed in the old ways of evil spirits and unseen demons, instead of germs and common sense. Jamie smiled at me from across the yard, where he was talking to three of his tenants about some new adventure he had planned. I smiled back, overjoyed to see him at ease and enjoying life for a while. Bree and the other children played nearby and Mrs Crook had created a roster of local woman to watch over Ian, Em and Michael as they slept upstairs so that everyone could enjoy the festivities. I took another sip of my ale and took in the wonderful sights around me. Tonight we were free, no English or war, famine or despair just a gathering of joyous neighbours enjoying their tiny corner of the world.

“Are ye well Sassenach?” Jamie asked me a while later, as the sun started to set and the crowd gathered closer to the unlit fire. He leaned over the top of me as he handed me a fresh glass of ale, kissing my head then hovering a moment before taking a seat beside me. Jamie grabbed my hand and held it in his between his thighs, his thumb rubbing back and forth across my knuckles. The air was cool and the warmth of his flesh against mine was just what I needed.

“I’m wonderful.” I smiled at him, “You were right Jamie. This is just what we needed.”  
“Aye.” He said looking over towards Jenny and Ian, who were also sitting on a bench opposite the unlit fire, leaning into each others arms and chatting away pleasantly. “It’s always a good thing to be reminded of what one has to be thankful for, especially when times are tough.” Jamie wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer, shielding me from the cool night breeze that was starting to join us. “I may not be a rich man Sassenach, but I’ve plenty to be grateful for that’s for sure. I’ve you and the bairns, Jenny, Ian and their bairns, Lallybroch and the men. That’s more than I could have ever have hoped for, especially after….” He stopped, almost without realising and I leaned in and squeezed his arm.

“I know what you mean.” I whispered to him, we had thought everything lost after Culloden, to have each other again was more than we could have hoped for, but to have all of this too was almost surreal. I reached up and kissed him on the cheek, breaking him free of his momentary trance. I felt him flinch as the distant memory faded, then he reached out and rested a hand on my swollen stomach, “I am so glad we came back Jamie, that you got to meet Bree and for Elizabeth.” I told him.   
“Aye.” I heard the quiver in his voice as a tear threatened to fall from his eyes, “I could lose it all mo gradh, as long as I still had you and the bairns. You are most precious to me, more than ye could ever know.”  
“We know Jamie.” I told him, rested my head on his shoulder, “We know and you are just as special to us.” I placed my hand on top of his and we sat in silence for a moment, speaking to each other without words. The light faded to a soft pink hue eventually and Jamie shifted uneasily beside me, I was about to ask him what he was doing, when he pulled a small handkerchief from his sporran and handed it to me.

“I got ye this when I was away last spring.” He began and my mind wandered back to when he was away selling the cattle, when the English had come. “I wanted to get ye something, to make sure you were safe.” Jamie’s words were strangled, almost sorrowful as I looked at him bewildered. Jamie didn’t say anything more, he simply undid the cloth bandage that he fumbled with in his hands and I found myself looking down stunned by the precious item inside. An exquisite unpolished sapphire, the size of an old dime, fashioned into a beautiful necklace with a strip of blackened leather. Even now, in the dim light, it sparkled with beauty.

“My god Jamie.” I exclaimed, “It’s beautiful.” My hands shook a little as I tried to pick it up, and Jamie took it from me, pushing aside my hair where it hung loose over my shoulders so that he could fasten it around my neck. It hung perfectly just above my breasts and I looked at it, then at Jamie. “I love you Jamie. It’s perfect.”

“Happy Anniversary.” He smiled at me, tracing his hands over the gem before wrapping his arm around my shoulder again. “Ye said once that gems could keep ye safe, when ye travel ye ken, so I wanted to make sure that you and the bairn had as much protection as I could give ye.” I felt him shudder softly, recalling the tiny ring he had given me of his mother’s when I had left to have Em. It was a grand ring and I was saddened that it hadn’t survived the trip back, but nothing that compared to this.

“Happy Anniversary.” Not the anniversary of our marriage, but the anniversary of when we had first met, when I had first travelled through the stones. I reached up and kissed him, placing my hand on his cheek trying not to think of what my life would have been like without him. How empty it would have been. “I love it I do. But it must have cost a fortune, are you sure we can afford this?”

“Dinna Fash yeself Sassenach. We made a good profit from the cattle, enough to see us through the winter, and to start again next spring when the snow clears.” He said, transforming back to a more matter of fact tone. “I’ll see my family, my men safe and fed, but my first priority will always be you mo nighean donn. I made an oath to ye Claire that I would always look after ye, and I mean to fulfil it no matter what it costs me.” I blushed, remembering the night he had made that oath, and he felt it. He brushed my flushed face ever so gently and I swallowed hard, recalling what that oath had cost him, more than he had ever realised. Jamie had given his body to Randall because of that oath, been exiled to Paris, fought a long and bitter war for Prince Charles in my vein attempts to change the future. He had torn his own heart out to send me away to safety and he had missed the opportunity to see Bree born, to watch her achieve so many milestones, and then he had sent me away again to see Em born safe. Jamie had sacrificed so much in the name of my safety, and for others. It wasn’t fair. And now he would be forced to send me away yet again, to miss his child being born for the fourth time. Jamie would never mention what his oath had cost him, but I knew he had regrets. As did I, and that the weight of those choices weighed heavy on us, especially now. I rubbed my hand across my belly, then reached up to feel the warm gem in my fingers as I made a few oaths of my own. I didn’t turn my head to face him, instead looking towards the pile of dead trees and twigs before us. “Jamie.” I whispered, trying to force the words to come out calmly.

“Hmm?” He replied, taking a sip of his ale as he tried to compose himself.

“What if I don’t go? Back through the stones I mean?” I waited, and felt Jamie sit up, pushing me away from him as he looked down to meet my gaze.  
“What are ye saying Sassenach?” A look of confusion mixed with disapproval marked his face, his brow line wrinkled in deep thought.  
“What if I stayed here? Had the baby at Lallybroch I mean?” I saw the recognition of what I was saying in his eyes. Jamie took a moment, then answered strongly.  
“No! It’s too dangerous.” Jamie shook his head, hard. “Ye said so yeself Sassenach.”             

“I’m not saying there won’t be some danger, no more than most anyway.” I admitted, “But with Jenny and the midwife, the lieutenant…. Em’s birth went quite well all things considered.” I could hear myself lying to him, to myself, but believing in the lie also. Jamie brushed the hair from my eyes and thought about it a moment and I tried not to let my own doubts show.

“NO.” He said again. “I’ll not risk ye Sassenach, not for anything.”  
“I wouldn’t mind.” I wanted him with me, wanted him to be there, to be the first person to hold his son in his arms. “I’m willing to risk it. I don’t want to be apart from you again.” On this I was sure, but then, regretting it almost as soon a s I said it, I whispered. “You’ve risked so much for us already. I’d risk it for _you_ Jamie, to chance letting you see your son born into the world.” I felt his body tense up, almost angry as he took me by the shoulders and stood me firmly before him so that I could read every mark on his face.

“Don’t say that Sassenach, don’t ever say that.” He yelled at me, several heads nearby turned to look at us, then seeing Jamie embrace me with an assuring grin, turned back to their own conversations.

“Why not?” I argued back quietly holding him tight as his hand cupped the back of my neck tightly, “You would die for me, I know you would.”

“That’s different. No!” He shook his head firmly. “Yes I’d die for ye Sassenach, I’d kill for ye, defend ye, protect ye till my last breath but I willna have ye do the same for me. To leave me behind, knowing that I killed ye. No!” He shook his head again, “I couldna bear it.” Jamie pulled me close to him, burying my face in his chest so deep I could barely breath, “I won’t risk ye life for anything Sassenach, I would die myself before I let ye risk ye life for me.” Jamie held me for the longest moment, then released his grip slightly, “Promise me Claire.” he finally began, “Promise me ye’ll go through the stones. For me, for the bairn.”

“I promise Jamie. I promise.” I held him tight, he was still rigid, but he tried to reassure me that he was making the right decision and I felt a sense of guilt for the fear I had awakened inside of him.

“Jamie.” Ian called out from the other side of the yard. I felt Jamie smile, only the stiffened neck muscles and his tense hand betraying the turmoil within. “Would ye like to do the honour of lighting the fire?” Ian shouted out, signalling to everyone that the fire was about to be lit.

“Aye. I’ll be with ye in a moment.” Jamie called back. He kissed me softly on the head, then stood up and let me go. “I’m sorry I was cross with ye.” He apologised, “But there aren’t a great many things in this life ye ken that scare me, but the thought of losing you Claire, I fear that most of all.”  
“I know Jamie.” I apologised back, “And I’m sorry.” the tension and angst between us released, we found a sense of peace again. Jamie stood up and bowed before me then went to join Ian and several other men as they prepared to light the giant bonfire and get the nights festivities underway.  

 

JAMMF

 

The roaring light of the fire replaced the dull light of dusk. Sounds of laughter, random cheers and toasts and good tidings passed around like wildfire and everyone was in high spirits. Although we found ourselves entertained by different social groups, Jamie and I never took our eyes off of each other, always aware of where the other was. My only distraction, other than keeping an eye on Brianna who was currently playing another game of chase with the other children, was the sight of Maggie, flirting delicately with young William who had lived with us for a while after his house burned down a year ago. The two of them had only seen each other a half dozen times since then, but I was all too aware of the kindling fascination they had with each other. Maggie was only nine and William soon to be ten. It would be a few more years before any formal agreement could be entered into but that didn’t stop a young impressionable girl from dreaming. Jenny didn’t seem to notice, but then again, I had learned long ago not to underestimate what Jenny did and did not know about what was going on under her roof.

Not too far away, I also noticed that Fergus, Rabbie and young Jamie were also watching a group of young girls from afar, teasing and jostling each other, too scared to make the first move. It seemed so long since I had been that age, since I had had my first crush and I envied them a little, then I looked to Jamie and reflected on the deeper love that we had found together in the years since, and how grateful I was to have found it. Jamie noticed my gaze and nodded, smiling. I blew him a kiss, and he looked stunned for a moment, the way he did when I did something out of the usual from his time, but perfectly normal from my own, then he smiled wider than before at me, his blue eyes sparkling in the firelight as they stared longingly at my own until he found himself being pulled back into his conversation with Dougal McIntyre. Everyone wanted to drink and celebrate a fine harvest with the Laird, and to wish him a fine son, for they all knew the situation but old habits were hard to break. There was no way I could see, almost ashamedly given my current thoughts, that we would be able to slip out unnoticed for a celebration of our own.

 

Ian and Jenny had just as many well wishers surrounding them, as did I, and for a moment I rather felt like the queen herself, mobbed in the street by her fans all wanting to say that they had touched her, spoken to her and that they were considered one of their closest confidants. Jamie had gathered a large number of followers after Culloden, many of the men who had followed him to the fields, been trained by him and then been safely returned had sworn him a lifelong oath to serve him in return for his kindness and gratitude. It made Jamie feel uncomfortable to be worshiped so, as it did myself, and I found myself wondering just how many of these men would have been lost if we hadn’t have tried to change the future. Looking around, I realised that most of them would have perished in the war, if not in the years afterwards and I quickly dispelled the sickening thought from my mind.

 

I made my excuses and moved through the crowd towards Jenny, who was starting to clear away the pots full of half warm stew. I didn’t particularly want to be doing the dishes at a time like this, but it was as good an excuse as any to take a break from everything that was going on and to find some quiet solitude. I was never one for large crowds, and had found over the years that the key to surviving such occasions was to have a little down time in between. “Here.” I said reaching out and taking a pot from Jenny as she tried to juggle three at once, “Let me help you.”  
“I wouldna say no.” Jenny smiled at me. “I thought it best to clear these away before they spoiled.” She explained making her way inside. Then she slowed, glanced behind her and whispered, “And between you and me, a needed a wee break from Mrs McNeil.”

“I know what you mean.” I confided in her, having escaped the woman earlier in the night. Mrs McNeil was a lovely woman, but she did like to talk and she seemed highly motivated in her task to make us find her favourable tonight.

“Ye ken, I was mighty cross with him when he first suggested it.” Jenny began a moment later, making her way into the kitchen and placing her burden on the bench before her, “But I had a lot of fun tonight, I haven’t laughed so hard in years.”

“Nor have I.” I admitted and we both laughed at that, tired but happy. We had both shouldered the burden of being strong for too long and tonight we could let all that go and just be ourselves. “Thank you Jenny.” I said, placing my pots beside hers as we stood in the kitchen just catching our breath. 

“What for?” She asked, looking confused and almost stunned like she’d never been thanked before in her life and didn’t know how to respond.

“I’ve never had a sister before, but you’ve taken me in, looked after me and made me feel like I belong. I can’t say that there’d be many who would have believed me under the circumstances, or that would have let me stay under their roof if they did.” Most folk feared ‘the fairies’ and I shuddered at how they had treated me when they had thought me a witch all those years ago. 

“Aye, well.” Jenny blushed, looking away as if her reaction was inexcusable, “I’ve not had a sister before either and I have to say that although ye do confuse me sometimes Claire, I’m mighty glad to have known ye as well.” Overtaken by a sense of belonging we hugged each other briefly then stepped back, taken off guard by the odd sensation caused by the brief moment of intimacy between us. “Ye a fine woman Claire, and although ye not what I pictured for my brother, anyone can see how much you belong with each other.” She added, grabbing a fresh plate of bannocks and odd savoury items. “Here.” She handed it to me then collecting another “They’ll be getting hungry out there and we don’t want them to eat the stores we have put away for winter.”

“No. We wouldn’t want that.” I agreed as I heard the faint sound of some musical instrument, accompanied by a makeshift drum and several voices signing old Gaelic limericks. I knew from past events that things were about to become even more festive, and if any of the men were still standing in a few hours’ time then it would be a miracle indeed.

 

JAMMF

 

I followed Jenny as she made her way outside, passing the plates around for a moment before resting them on the nearby table and going to join the others. It wasn’t long before I found Jamie, standing by a group of men singing and passing around their jugs of ale in celebration. He reached out a hand for me to join him and grabbing my wrist he pulled me in close, placing his other arm around my waist holding me in place. “Marvellous timing Sassenach.” Jamie smiled at me, “Old Duncan here was trying to get me to join him in a wee ballad, but I told him that I must see to the horses and fetch us some more ale before we run dry. Would ye like to take a wee walk with me?” He asked doing his best to wink at me inconspicuously.   

“I would love to.” I said, wincing slightly as Jamie squeezed me, begging for me to follow his lead. I nodded to the men, who cheered to my good health, and let Jamie turn me and lead me away. “What was all that about?” I asked him once we were far enough away from the fire not to be overheard. Jamie looked back towards the men, looked back down at me and smiled.

“Tis nothing Sassenach. Ye ken well enough I cannae hold a tune and I’ve not drunk nearly enough to try.”

“I see.” I said, poking him in the ribs with my finger as I wriggled out of his embrace. “So you made me your accomplice, lying to your tenants.”  
“Our tenants.” He reminded me, “And aye.” He nodded, “Though I dinnae think ye’d mind. I saw ye trying to avoid Mrs McNeil earlier and I thought ye might need a little saving yeself.”

“I did. Thank you.” The night air was cool and I shivered a little. Jamie drew me in close to him and the heat of his body warmed me instantly. We made our way together, heading towards the tower, where Jamie had some of the whisky stashed. As we walked through the main entrance, Jamie lit one of the lanterns by the door and the room filled with a dull light. I could see the whiskey barrels, the crates used to transport the smaller bottles to the nearby crofts and in the corner, several hay bales covered with an array of old tartans, used as seating while the men worked and brewed fresh ale during the day.

“Here Sassenach, have a seat.” Jamie said escorting me to the nearby bale. He moved into the darkness and returned seconds later with a small bottle in his hand, “Would ye like to try some of the latest batch? It has a while to age yet but it’ll wet ye throat.”  
“I’d love to.” I said reaching out and taking the bottle from him. The liquid was warm and soothing and it made my lips tingle a little. The ale’s he was creating were getting better and he was beginning to get a name for himself throughout the highlands. I closed my eyes, relishing the sensation. I closed my eyes as I took another sip. Jamie placed a hand on my cheek startling me, but I didn’t flinch. I enjoyed the sensation of feeling his large palm resting over my left cheek and I felt his lips hovering over mine. My neck tilted back instinctively and his hand slid down to take me by the back of my head. Lips entwined, I opened my eyes and reached out grabbing the front of his shirt, pulling him closer to me. “Don’t stop.” I whispered as I felt him hesitate.

“Are ye sure it’s all right Sassenach?” He whispered as he continued.

“Verry.” I mumbled, finding it hard to talk. I felt his other hand slide down my side and come to rest on my waist. He pulled me closer and I felt the heat of him against my swollen belly. Warm and inviting. Jamie began to kiss me softly and religiously from neck to navel, my skin tingled and I tried not to cry out as my body called out, craving for his.

Just as Jamie had undone the front of my corset and was sliding my shift off of my shoulder, we heard the sound of muffled voices just outside the door. Caught stunned, like deer in headlights, we froze and tried to decide whether we should pull apart from our embrace and act as if nothing had happened, or to continue and hope that we weren’t discovered. I tried to supress a giggle, and Jamie placed a hand over my mouth to stifle the sound. The instinct to laugh was only made worse when he cocked his head to the side, warning me not to make any noise. When the person outside made no attempt to move away, Jamie placed a hand to his own lips and whispered “Shhh.” Before he sat me up more comfortably on the bench, pulled the shift back over my shoulder and straightened his kilt before going to investigate who was there.

“And just what do ye think you are up to?” I heard him yell at the intruder, he was clearly surprised by who he had found, and none too pleased.

“I was just looking for….” It was Fergus. I’d know that French accent anywhere and he sounded afraid for his life.   
“I ken what you were looking for.” Jamie raised his voice disapprovingly, “Have you no shame, what of the lasses’ honour?”

“I didn’t, I wouldn’t, I wasn’t.” The poor boy scrambled for words,

“Weren’t ye just? And just what did ye have in mind then?” Jamie asked impatiently.  
“I was just going to talk to the lass? Show her around and get to know here a little better. Like ye told me.”

There was a frustrated grunting noise and I supressed another chuckle, I wasn’t sure if Jamie heard it, but I did hear him clear his throat again.

“Aye well.” Watching his shadow, I could see Jamie shifting his weight as he stood a little taller, more intimidating, “I think maybe ye may have misunderstood what I was telling ye.” And then in a more forgiving tone, “Take the lass back to the others, share a drink with her aye, and have ye conversations but stay where the others can see ye, ye ken.”

“Yes Milord.” There was a brief shuffling of feet and then Jamie returned, a small grin on his face.

“You were a bit hard on him weren’t you?” I asked as he returned to join me, taking a large gulp of whiskey as I handed him the flask.

“And if the lass’s father found them up here. How hard do ye think he’d be on him then?”  
“I see your point.” I admitted thinking about what we were about to do ‘up here’, reaching out and taking his hand I pulled him back down beside me. 

“So you were teaching Fergus about how to court a lady were you?” I teased him, wondering exactly how that conversation had gone.   

“Aye.” Jamie grinned, he hadn’t had the benefit of such advice himself and had learned most of what he knew about woman after he had been married.

“And what exactly did you tell him?” I smirked, playing with the front of his shirt as his hands made their way under my skirts.

“Shaw, let me show you.” Jamie grabbed me fierce, resuming our previous positions. He kissed me intensely, then placed his hands behind me as he supported my weight. “What about the bairn?” He paused to ask, starting to tilt me backwards then hesitating as I moaned a little.

“Shhh.” I made a move, tipping him over so that he was beneath me, then with a well-practiced move, I released his belt and watched it fall to the floor. I climbed on top of his lap, and he placed a hand on the small of my back to steady me. The sensation of his flesh on mine drove me deeper and I grabbed his shoulders, moving myself up and down as he joined me. He played with my hair at first, then his hands moved down to my waist, lifting me up and down on top of him. My body ached for his as much as his ached for mine and I felt the surge of spirit leave my soul as it entered into his. My back arched and I fell forward into him, thoroughly pleased. Jamie held me close afterwards, letting me rest on his shoulder as we struggled to catch our breaths.

“Are ye all right mo nighen donn?” He asked eventually, grabbing his plaid and placing it around my shoulders to guard against the chill. “I dinnae hurt ye?” We had been a bit more forceful than usual, and I had felt my body strain under the motions but I had no regrets. It had been wonderful.

“We’re fine Jamie.” I promised him, sliding off of his lap and onto the seat beside him. He rubbed my belly, making sure I wasn’t lying then nodded and picked up the discarded bottle of ale taking a sip then handed it to me.

“When I saw ye by the fire, ye hair blowing in the breeze and the light shining of ye fine skin, I just had to have ye.” He apologised, “God ye beautiful Claire.”  
“So are you Jamie.” I said, kissing him softly on the neck as he pulled me closer to him, taking me in his arms. “I was watching you by the fire too.” I told him, “Thinking the exact same thing.” Jamie turned to look at me shocked, I knew he didn’t think that women should say such things, that their minds should be pure and not full of sin. He also knew, after great experience, that my thoughts were just as lustful as his own.  

“You’re a rare woman mo nighean donn and I am so very glad to be able to say that yer mine.”

We hid in the tower for another few minutes, then regretfully, we straightened our clothes, held ourselves in one last embrace and returned to our guests.

 

JAMMF

 

Jamie and I walked arm in arm back to the fire, stopping briefly at the edge of darkness for one last kiss before we would be swarmed once again by friends and family. The festivities were in full swing as I had suspected, and I was pleased to find young Fergus, sitting with young Mary McIntyre on a log by the fire, sharing a glass of ale and holding hands as they spoke. Jamie saw it too, and I felt him tense up slightly, burdening himself as he did, with making sure that the ladies honour remained intact under his watch. I smiled briefly, wondering how he was going to handle raising two daughters through puberty if this is how he responded to Fergus’s first attempts to court a wife. “Are ye ready Sassenach?” Jamie asked as he took my hand and stepped forward,

“Are you?” I asked, hiding my double meaning as I squeezed his hand affirmatively and stepped forward with him.  

As we entered the swarm, hand in hand, I noticed the familiar form of Mrs McNeil standing by the food bench, talking to someone who had their back to me. I squinted my eyes trying to make out the details and then, in my surprise, I let out a faint gasp.

“What is it Sassenach?” Jamie asked instinctively reaching for his dirk as he looked towards where I was pointing,

“Blessed Michael.” He swore under his breath, “Is that?”  
“Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser and he’s courting Mrs McNeil.” I spoke allowed, watching his body language, the quick glances, hovering his hand over hers as he poured her an ale, his endearing but infrequent smile as he pretended to laugh at what she was saying. No doubt about it, Murtagh was courting Mrs McNeil, or was she courting him?

“It’s an odd match for sure.” Jamie acknowledged as he stood watching, just as stunned as I was. “But I give the man credit, she is a fine catch Sassenach.”

“She can cook and clean and keep house if that’s what you mean.” I glared at him, knowing full well that he had come to terms with the fact long ago that I could do neither of those things.   
“Ye ken very well that’s not what I mean mo nighean donn.” Jamie placed a hand around my waist almost daring me to break free, “Besides. There’s more to being a wife than just keeping a man feed and clean. And ye do that just fine mo gradh, if I do say so myself.” I smiled at him, then looked at Murtagh and Mrs McNeil trying to imagine the two of them together. I couldn’t, but he was a sweet man who deserved someone to look after him, and Mrs McNeil was a sweet lady who longed for a man to look after and to keep her company at night. someone who could provide for her and the four children from her late husband. It may not be an obvious match, but if things went well, it would be a match that was good for them both.

“No wonder.” I said aloud finally putting two and two together.

“What are ye thinking Sassenach?” Jamie asked suspiciously.

“It all makes sense. Murtagh offered to take Michael and Em to Mrs McNeils three times last week. I thought he was just to watching over the children and giving us a break, but now….” I said, pausing for effect, “What if he was using the children as an excuse to see her?”  
“Ye may be right Sassenach.” Jamie nodded then began walking us towards the crowd again.

“And Mrs McNeil, the way she has been with Jenny and myself. You don’t think she was trying to….. to bribe us? To make us like her so we would agree to the match?”

“I dinnae ken the ways of women Sassenach, but what if she were, would it make much of a difference? If Murtagh likes her that’s enough for me.” He said, as I stood frozen recalling all of our recent conversations. “Come. Let’s see to our guests and then I want to take ye to bed.” Jamie winked at me, squeezing my hand tight in his as he dragged me along behind him.  


	29. Wilmington

Chapter 29: Wilmington

****

A letter arrived in the mail, two days after the gathering, from Lord John Grey. He wrote informing us that he had secured a hearing with his superiors to ensure that Wilmington’s dismissal was permanent but that he needed Jenny, Jamie and myself to testify as to what had happened. The hearing was to be held in a weeks time, on the 28th November in Inverness. As I sat by the fire reading over the letter once again, I could feel the apprehension surging through Jamie, his fingers tapping uneasily on the mantle. It would take that long to travel there, especially this time of year in autumn when the ground was still damp and the nights cooled quickly. Jenny and I would have to travel by wagon, Michael was too young to be left behind but Fergus and Mrs McNeil could watch over the others while we were gone. Jamie’s biggest concern however, as was mine, was making the journey twice in less than a month. I was, to the best of our knowledge, only three months away from my due date and with Winter coming Jamie had insisted that I be taken to the stones before the snows started to fall too deep. It would be a week to Inverness, a week there and a week back. No sooner we returned to Lallybroch then Jamie and I would have to return back to Craig Na Dun. I didn’t like the idea of being on the road for the next four weeks. The only thought I hated more was the notion that I would have to leave Em and Bree behind now in order to travel straight from Inverness to Craig Na Dun. The idea of not seeing them again until I returned in four months time burned an unwelcome hole in the pit of my stomach and I rubbed the spot absently. Jenny had offered to go on her own, but we all knew, that as the injured party, my testimony was the one that Lord John needed the most. My back ached, thinking of those days I had spent believing that I would never walk again after the accident and even now I could recall that tingling sensation I had felt when the feeling had first started to return.  

“I dinnae like it Sassenach.” Jamie objected as we sat in the parlour, discussing our options. He must have seen me wince, as he made his way immediately to my side and began rubbing my lower back. He handed me a small glass of whiskey and I let the letter drop onto my lap, willing it to disappear.

“It doesn’t look like we have much choice.” I sighed regretfully, “John writes that the General will be leaving shortly after and will not be back in the area until late spring.” I took Jamie’s hand in mine, assuring him that I was fine, there was only one true choice before us. “We have to do it Jamie. If we don’t stop him now, then he might come after you again.” And that would mean coming after him here, at Lallybroch. We had been lucky to survive last time, god knows what might happen if he came here again.  
“Aye.” Jamie nodded, “I just wish I ken why he has such an agenda against me.”

“He didn’t say much.” But I recalled all too clearly that what he had said, had been full of hate. “He called you Red Jamie, I’d say there’s a fair chance that it has something to do with Culloden.”

“Tis true I made many enemies on the battlefield. But war is war Sassenach and most of us let go our anger long ago.”  
“You know as well as I do Jamie, that for some men, the anger is all they have left.”  
“Aye.” He squeezed my hand his knuckles white around my own, and I saw the fear in his eyes, “That kind of anger can make a man verra dangerous ye ken.” Then he looked across to Ian and I saw Ian glance back in agreement.

“Ye worried that if we testify, he’ll come looking for vengeance?”  
“I’m worried about what I’ll do if he does.” Jamie glanced back at his brother in law. It didn’t take much imagination to know exactly what Jamie would do, if Wilmington ever turned up here at Lallybroch, he’d never leave here alive and the British would hunt him high and low for the murder of an officer. I felt the hairs on my neck stiffen and shudder.   

“Even so.” I said, making up my mind and supporting Jamie’s decision, “I think we should do it. We need to stop him before he hurts anyone else.”

“I ken ye right Sassenach.” He nodded running his fingers through my hair, and resting a warm reassuring palm on the side of my face. “But I wish to god that ye dinnae have to be the one to do it.”

“It will be all right Jamie.” I promised him and I looked towards Ian who nodded in agreement.

“Clare’s right Jamie. The man is out of control. He could have killed Fergus, Maggie even Jenny. Wilmington is a loose cannon, best we make our case now, before he does come here again and it’s too late.”

“He won’t stop coming after you Jamie. I saw it in his eyes.” Two dark eyes, as black as his soul starring down the barrel of his gun, matched by the satisfied grin on his lips as he pulled back the trigger. “If testifying against him keeps you safe, and the others, then you have to let me try.”

“I’m not daft enough to think I could stop ye mo nighean donn, but I’ll not have to be pleased about it.”  
“It’s settled then.” Ian grabbed a quill and paper from the desk and began writing, “I’ll let them know we will be there in a weeks’ time. If we leave tomorrow, we could just make it.” He calculated.

Ian was in charge of most of the correspondence, with Jamie’s hand being crippled after Wentworth, Ian was Jamie’s hand as much as Jamie was Ian’s leg. They were a fine match. Jamie stood up and went to stand by the desk, helping Ian compose the reply and I watched as Jamie bit his lip, chewing it repeatedly as his stiffened hands tapped the side of his leg. It would be a long hard journey, cold during the day and freezing at night, the ground hard underneath us as we slept and the nights long and dark. I didn’t want to be out on the road under such conditions any more than Jamie wanted me to be and I found myself suddenly thinking of those long nights travelling in the back of my uncle’s car, its crude heater turned up high for warmth as I huddled under the woollen blanket. How long would it take by car I wondered? One day? Maybe two?  

I smiled at him reassuringly, as he tried to supress his doubts and his fears from showing. His mind was made and now there were plans to be put into action. Feeling a sudden need to stand by him, I got up off of the couch where I had been sitting and made my way to his side. I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “I’d best go help Jenny make the preparations for our departure.” I said after a while, feeling the muscles under my hand beginning to relax as he set about his task. “I’m sure she’ll be needing my help with something.”

“Aye.’ Jamie took my hand and held it out in front of him, studying it carefully as he thought. He didn’t say anything, but the tightness of his facial features and the way he stared at me betrayed him. He wasn’t just worried about Wilmington and the trial, but for how perilous the journey would be. I could see the tears hidden behind his bright blue eyes, pleading with me to find another way. I looked back, my eyes as regretful as his as I apologised for not having the answers he sought.

“You said that the regiment was staying in an estate, about two days south of here?” Jamie spoke suddenly as I prepared to leave. The suddenness of it stopped me in my tracks and I turned around to face him.

“Aye. They are. What are ye thinking?” Ian asked as he stopped writing and pondered Jamie’s statement.

“What if we held the trial there?” I looked at Ian, and then to Jamie, “I’m sure they would have no objections, not with Claire being so far gone with child and Jenny being with wee Michael. If this General is as close a friend as Lord John says he is, I’m sure John could persuade him to make the arrangements.” Jamie concluded optimistically.  
“Aye.” Ian agreed and I noticed the creased brow of Jamie’s forehead recede, he had found what he wanted, a better option. “He just might at that.” Jamie grabbed me by the shoulders, drawing me in close so he could kiss me on the forehead. “Go and tell Jenny to pack, we will leave for the trial in two days.”

“And if he can’t change the location?” Ian asked, preparing to continue his letter.

“He will.” Jamie grinned at him. It didn’t matter how important the general thought he was. Once a Fraser had made up his mind, there was no changing it.

 

JAMMF

 

Murtagh had insisted on coming along, he didn’t like the idea of Jamie travelling into hostile territory any more than I did. Jamie had convinced him however that it was too dangerous for him to go with a price still on his head and that he was needed here to guard the children and defend the home if need be. Reluctantly Murtagh had bid us a safe journey and sworn an oath that Bree and Em and their cousins would come to no harm while we were away.

The journey was relatively uneventful, if not slow. The air was mild enough, and the sun warm on my skin as it shone brightly above us, but the road itself was already turning into a boggy mess beneath us and we had been forced to stop more than once when the wagon became stuck in the quicksand, forcing the men to dig it out. It was mid morning on the second day. Jamie and I had slept in the wagon last night, at Jamie’s insistence that I wasn’t in a condition to be sleeping on the damp ground and catching an ague. I had scoffed at this, thinking of the numerous nights we had both spent sleeping out under the stars, but he had made our sleeping quarters in the tray none the less. As tired as I was, I had found it difficult to fall asleep, and I could tell by the stiffness in Jamie’s arm beneath me that he had felt the same. The boards of the wagon were hard underneath me and my back was beginning to ache from the constant jostling. I said a quick ‘thank god’ that our journey would take two days instead of five and tried not to let my discomfort show.     

“Christ.” I heard Jamie swear from where he rode Donas beside us. Jenny held the reigns of the wagon as Mary, one of Jenny’s maid servants, cradled young Michael in her arms behind us. I felt the wagon come to a sudden stop, for the second time this morning, and let out a deep sigh.

“Blessed Michael.” Jenny cursed as she tried to steady the horses. “If this is what the road is like now.” She mumbled, “I can only imagine what it’s going to look like after the winter snows.” 

“Aye.” Jamie’s voice trailed off, lost in thought as he reached up and helped me onto the ground. I wondered secretly how much I must weigh now as his arms strained to hold me suspended in mid air. He settled me down on the ground, as light as a feather and straightened my skirt for me. “Take a seat Sassenach.” He insisted as Ian set about helping Jenny lead the horses around the bog. “I’ll get ye something to drink.”

Despite the temperature, I was hot and thirsty. My skin warmed from the inside as my child grew. Jamie had joked once that my furnace ran hotter than his when I was “ _with bairn_ ”. No sooner had Jamie returned from Donas with his flask, Jenny and Ian announced that they had cleared the obstruction and were ready to proceed. I took a profound sip, let out a sigh and handed it back to Jamie.

“Here.” I said, looking around from where we had come and towards where we were going. My buttocks was still numb and I longed for the times when I could ride my own horse.

“Nay.” Jamie pushed it back towards me. “You keep it.” He insisted, watching me closely, but I managed to wave off his look of concern.

“I think I might walk a while.” I said, stretching out my back in preparation. Jamie spun me around, massaged my shoulders quickly then made a “Hmmph” sound.

“Aye.” He grinned as I turned back to face him, “I ken what ye mean Sassenach.” Ian helped Jenny onto the wagon then mounted his horse. “Ride ahead Ian.” Jamie called out, grabbing Donas by the reigns, “Claire and I are going to walk a bit.” Jamie didn’t wait for his answer, but I saw Ian nod and instruct Jenny to get the horse walking again. I supressed a small chuckle, thinking that by the time they dealt with the next obstruction we would probably catch them up. Jamie took his place on my left, wrapped his arm around my waist and with a firm hold on his horse with his left hand, led us back along the path at a quiet stroll.  

 

JAMMF

We could see the walls of the main house, standing tall above the fields before us. Smoke bellowed from the chimneys and I wondered, given that the afternoon had long been upon us, what manner of food was being prepared in the kitchens for dinner. My stomach growled loudly at the thought and Jamie squeezed my hand and smiled at me. “Hungry are ye?” He asked, his own stomach groaning in protest.

“Not really.” I lied, smiling back as he looked back towards the wagon.

“Come Sassenach.” Jamie removed his arm from my waist and offered it for me to take. “Best we make ourselves known and see to getting ye fed.” He grinned, lifting me back up into the wagon. The tension that had left us all now returned as we prepared to walk straight into the English camp. There was no turning back now, but there was also no assurances that this was going to go well either. Ian and Jamie road ahead of us on their horses, announcing our arrival and creating a barrier between us and any threats from the British soldiers below. My mind raced, what would I say once I got there? “Best keep ye thoughts to yeself Sassenach” Jamie had warned me, “Keep to the facts and try not to say more than ye should.” I hadn’t taken offense, I knew as well as he did that my temper and my words had gotten us into trouble more than once. I just hoped that this time, Jamie wouldn’t have to rescue me again from trouble of my own doing. I looked across to Jenny, back straight, head held high and determined and I tried to feel the same.

 

There was a small blockade on the road, four young soldiers looking bored and cold as they watched us approach. “Halt” They had called out. “What business do you have here?”

“We are guests of Lord John Grey.” I heard Jamie announce. “He is expecting us.”  
“And who may you be?” The soldier asked, stepping out to look over our small group and limited provisions.

“My name is James Fraser.” There was no hint of apprehension in his voice, but I knew it was there.

“Fraser?” The first soldier asked again, listening to something whispered in his ear by the other. The soldiers face went pale and he stood straighter, hand clasped tightly around his rifle. “James Fraser” He repeated more loudly.

“Aye, and my family.” I rubbed my belly, making it clear that I was with child and not a threat. Jenny grabbed Michael and did the same while Ian moved his horse slightly back from Jamie’s allowing him room to swing his sword if need be.

“Proceed.” The soldiers nodded, parting to the sides to allow us to pass. I smiled gratefully at them as our wagon moved past them and felt their eyes on us as we made our way down the path and out of view.

“What on earth was that about?” I asked Jamie as he came up beside us after we were out of sight.

“I dinnea ken.” He remarked keeping a wary eye on the trail behind us. “Here.” Jamie handed me the small knife he kept in his boot. “Keep this close Sassenach, just in case.”  
“And what do you want me to do with this?” I asked.

“Whatever ye have to.” He nodded at Ian and Jenny, then kissed me quickly before I could protest. “Dinnae fash mo gradh.” He said as much to me as to Jenny. “I’m sure that it is nothing.” Jamie grinned and turned Donas back in the direction of the main house. I felt the metal of the knife in my hands, warm from his touch, and hid it inside my skirt.

“Right then.” Jenny urged the horse into motion and we were on our way yet again. Ian trotted his horse back up beside Jamie’s, and I couldn’t hear what they were saying but I could guess. ‘If anything should happen’ I said to myself, ‘take the girls and run’.

 

JAMMF

“Mr Fraser.” The wagon came to a stop just at the front dooryard, with a dozen or more red coats watching our every move. Jamie nodded and dismounted his horse very carefully so as not to make any sudden movements. I felt a drop of sweat run down the back of my neck and the fatigue I had been feeling quickly faded away.

“And Mrs Fraser.” A more familiar voice announced as it joined us. It wasn’t Jamie’s hands that reached up to help me off of the wagon, but Lieutenant Johnston’s. I smiled, relived to see a friendly face and let him lead me towards Jamie. “I am glad to see that you travelled well.” He remarked, handing me over to Jamie, and signifying to his men that I was not to be harmed. Jamie noticed the gesture too and I felt him relax a little. If anything happened to him, I would at least be looked after. Lieutenant Johnston repeated the gesture with Jenny and a calmness lulled over the grounds as soldiers returned back to their posts and commenced with their duties.

“Very well. Thank you Lieutenant.” Jamie bowed and reluctantly let go of the reigns as a redcoat grabbed his horse from him and led it away. I knew Jamie was surveying the land, he never entered an unfamiliar place without first knowing the layout and having an escape plan. A skill learned from years on the run and in the army. The Lieutenant noticed it too.

“I don’t mean to be a bother.” I apologised, “But...”  
“Of course. Where are my manners Mrs Fraser. Please forgive me.” Lt Johnston stepped aside and motioned towards the house, “Please, I’ll see that you get a warm bath and something to eat. You must be exhausted after your journey.”

“Just a little.” I bowed courteously. Caked in mud and road dust I wanted a bath very badly, but I wanted something to eat even more.

“This way, please ma’am.” I stepped forward, followed by Jamie, Ian and the others and entered into the Lions den.

The Lieutenant explained the use of each room we walked past then led us into a huge chamber with two rooms that opened up off of it. It was ornately decorated and had clearly been designed to impress any guests that were staying there. Not by the British though, it had a more feminine touch and I wondered for a moment who had lived here beforehand. It was decided that Jenny and Ian would take the first room, as it was slightly bigger and allowed for young Mary to stay with Michael, while Jamie and I would take the second.    

Looking at the large feather mattress, the desire to sink into it and sleep till the next morning fought a strong battle with my need for nourishment. I poured a small amount of water into the basin, infused with the delicate scent of rose oil I realised, and began to wash my face and hands. Jamie removed his travelling jacket, rested it over the nearby chair, but left his dirk and sword securely fastened around his waist. “What now Sassenach?” He asked me as he wrapped his arms around me and drew me back into his chest.

“Now.” I said, feeling the grime caked onto his own hands. I placed them in the water and massaged them gently. His injured hand had a tendency to be mildly arthritic in the colder months and I could see it was giving him some trouble now. “We eat.”  

“Aye.” I felt his chest move as he laughed softly, “Ye’ve a fierce appetite on ye Sassenach.”  
“No more than you.” I argued back.

“True.” He nodded, “I wonder if the British Army has enough supplies to see us through?”

“We will soon find out.” I replied, handing him the towel to dry his hands as I let out my hair to brush it. Tiny leaves and debris had found their way in during our journey and I struggled to comb them out so I could make myself presentable for dinner. There wasn’t much I could do about the dust on my clothes, but I could at least make sure that my hair and face were not a mess. Jamie grabbed the brush from my hand, and began pulling my hair back behind my ears.

“You shouldna do that.” He whispered in my ear, “Ye ken what it does to me.”  
“Think again.” I teased him, “Your son is hungry, your wife needs her rest and…” his teeth on my earlobe distracted me momentarily and I lost my train of thought.

“And….” He mumbled through gritted teeth.

“Mmmph.” I coughed, “We are expected below, they’ll come looking for us.”

“Let them.” He grinned, dropping the brush and sliding his left hand under my shift, cupping my breast.

“Later.” I turned around, kissing him softly on the lips as I tried to tie my hair back. “You can wait till after dinner, surely?”  
“You’ve a very high opinion of my will power Sassenach.” He surrendered, grabbing his jacket and shaking loose the dust.

“Just close your eyes and think of something unpleasant.”  
“Unpleasant?”  
“You know, cold baths, dead cats, splinters, thorns.”  
“Aye, like the ones we got stuck in our backside when we….”  
“NO!” Damn, he was more in need now than before, “Not those thorns.” I warned him as I opened the door to see Jenny and Ian waiting patiently for us outside.

“Aye.” I heard him grunt disappointedly as he bit his lower lip, hard. Did it work I wondered? thinking of how we often bit each other during our encounters, and the tell-tale marks we would leave on each other.

“Ye all right Jamie?” Jenny asked as we made our way into the corridor.

“Bit my tongue.” Jamie replied hastily, grabbing my hand and leading us ahead of them. I supressed the urge to laugh, put on my game face and followed him down to the dining hall. 

 

JAMMF

“Please Mrs Fraser.” The older gentleman insisted as I stopped to look over my left shoulder towards where Jamie and the others were sitting. I had been seated on a chair in the middle of the room, a large bench before me with four men on it. The older gentleman to my right, Lord John Grey, Lieutenant Johnston and another General that I didn’t recognise. Wilmington sat to my right and I could feel his eyes boring into me. It was all very formal. Lord John and Matthew proceeded as if we were not acquainted, their questions direct but tactful. I had recounted my testimony twice now, but still the questions kept coming.

“Like I said before General.” I heard the sass in my tone and urged myself to hold it back. I knew it was taking all of Jamie’s strength not to reach over the table and kill Wilmington himself, no need to add fuel to the fire. Jamie nodded urging me to speak, he had heard the account three times now, nothing could enrage him more than he already was, at least I hoped. “My husband was away with the men. We had reports from the local crofters that some of the sheep had gone missing and that some strangers had been camped near the boundary. As the estate and your Majesty’s Army is reliant on the sale of those sheep and their goods my husband thought it prudent to check it out at once.” Wilmington whispered something derogatory under his breath, and was ushered to be quiet by the general. “My sister in law and I were busy tending to the chores, when my son, Fergus, informed me that my daughter Brianna was missing.”  
“Missing?” The general asked, as if this was the first time he had heard the news.

“Yes sir. I was most distraught, she is only 7 years old you see sir and it wasn’t like her to disappear. I thought something most dreadful had happened to her.” Tone down the melodramatics Beauchamp I thought to myself, then noted the look of interest on the Generals face and decided maybe it was working. “We were searching for the child, my daughter, when Mr Wilmington and his men came up on the house.”  
“Did you not tell the Captain Wilmington what was happening?”  
“I tried sir, but he would have none of it.” That’s right, the helpless housewife routine. How dare he pick on poor little me. I saw Wilmington glare down at me and I shied away. “Lieutenant Johnston offered to help search for her but Captain Wilmington ordered him to stand down. I believe that is the term.”

“He what?” The General seemed enraged by this.

“The Captain then began a tirade of abusive language towards myself, my husband and my good sister in law that I dare not repeat in respectable company and threatened to throw us all in jail for treason.”  
“On what grounds?” By now I could see I had a captive audience. Not just before me, but in the stalls to my left and right as well.   
“He said that my husband sir, wasn’t off checking the estate but that he was taking cattle to market. I tried to tell him that he was wrong and that we didn’t have any cattle, but that’s when he called me a liar and threatened to have me taken into custody for trying to warn my husband what was happening.”  
“Lieutenant Johnston.” The General turned to the man on his right, “Is what this woman says true?”  
“Yes sir. I’m afraid to say it is.”

“And was there any evidence of this, this, accusation.”  
“None sir.” Lt Johnston admitted, avoiding eye contact with Wilmington. “I myself tried to reason with Captain Wilmington but he was not inclined to listen.”

“Then what happened?”

“That’s when I noticed my daughters horse. I realised immediately what had happened, she must have taken it for a ride. It was a new present you see, from her father, but she didn’t yet know how to ride it.” I didn’t look back at Jamie, but I could feel the regret, the blame running deep within him still. “I must admit, in my fear that something tragic had befallen my daughter, I may have angered the Captain by trying to take the horse and ride out after her to see if she was injured.”

“An impulse anyone who has had children would understand.” I heard Lord Grey chime in, with affirmative nods from the others.

“Thank you sir, but I fear that my actions may have placed my sister in law in great danger.”  
“How is that Mrs Fraser?”  
“Captain Wilmington made move to stop me. He accused me of trying to go and warn Jamie, my husband that they were there and he ordered me off of the horse. I refused, eager to get to my child and my sister in law, Jenny Murray whom you see here behind me.” I pointed towards the stalls, “She stepped forward to incline Mr Wilmington to let me go and find Brianna.”  
“This is Jenny Murray, your husbands sister?”

“Yes sir.”  
“And I believe that she was with child at the time?”

“Yes sir. Seven months at the time.”

“It says in Captain Wilmington’s account, that she provoked him. Is that true?”  
“She only asked him to let me go. To take her and the children as hostage instead. But Captain Wilmington….” I paused.

“Yes?” The General leaned closer.

“He took out his pistol, pulled back the trigger and aimed it at me.” I could hear Jamie’s fingers tapping on the rail before him, faster and faster and heard his blood churning in his veins. “I feared for the child I was carrying, and for my family before me but I couldn’t just leave my other daughter out in the woods to die.”  
“The Captain knew you were with child as well?”

“Yes sir. My son told him as much.”

“A lie.” Wilmington bellowed, “They’d say anything to save Mr Fraser.”

“That’s when.” I continued more forcefully, “He made ready to fire. Jenny Murray stepped in to intervene and Captain Wilmington stuck her across the head with the side of the pistol.” I took a deep breath, suddenly feeling very giddy and wishing I had a glass of water. “Everything happened so fast. I could see the rage in Captain Wilmington’s face and I feared for the safety of those I love. The Captain went to strike her again but my son pulled his aunt behind him to protect her. Wilmington enraged by this aimed the pistol at my sons head and readied himself to fire. There was nothing anyone could do. We pleaded with him not to shoot but he was quiet insistent on his actions. I was about to try and diffuse the situation by getting off of my horse, when Captain Wilmington caught sight of something running towards us and fired. I don’t remember much after that I’m afraid, my horse bolted upright and I was thrown hard to the ground. The next thing I recall was looking up into my husband’s face as I lay in my bed hours later. Unable to move my legs.”

“They came at me.” Captain Wilmington cried out from his stall. “It’s all a bloody lie. They are traitors to the crown. You cannot believe them.”

“She was a ten year old girl.” Jamie roared back at him, “Frightened for her life after you attacked her mother.”

“Aye.” Ian joined in. “And shot her cousin after threatening her aunt.”

“Silence please.” The general sounded his gavel to no avail.

“I’ll get you for this Fraser.” Wilmington cried out, “Mark my words you and your wife will pay for this.” He promised as he was quickly dragged away by two guards into the hall nearby under protest.   


I hadn’t noticed at first but my hands were shaking and I barely realised that Jamie was now standing behind me, hand resting on his dirk as he watched the door to the hallway intently. Lord John was whispering to the two other generals as Matthew looked on, trying to decide what to do next. “Are ye all right Sassenach?” Jamie asked,

“I think so.” I nodded softly, the giddiness remained and I wished to be back in my bed, resting my head. 

“Ye did well.” Jamie placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder, his little finger resting against my neck, “Ye need not be scared. I’ll not let him harm ye again.”

“It’s not him I’m worried about.” I looked back towards the men who would decide our fates. “I know what you have to do Jamie, I don’t disagree, but if they catch you.”  
“Aye.” He swallowed hard, looking past me to the men at the table, “I’ll hang.”

“My apologies Mrs Fraser.” The men continued, “I think it best that we take a short break after this disturbance. We shall begin again in an hours’ time.”   
“Yes sir.” I nodded and watched them leave the room.

Jamie took my hand and led me over to Jenny and Ian who had remained safely behind the stalls, at Jamie’s command. None of us spoke as we watched the room slowly empty until only we remained.

 

JAMMF

 

Jenny took the stand next, then Lieutenant Johnston followed by Jamie. Between the four of us the court had a fair account of exactly what had transpired on that fateful day. Jenny defended her brother strongly, claiming that Captain Wilmington attacked him as he watched over my lifeless body. Lieutenant Johnston testified to my injuries and to the unstable mind of his superior. By the time the day was over, Captain Wilmington had no argument left to use in his defence. I should have felt a sense of relief as his sentence was carried out. Discharged from the army, to be sent far away from the highlands where he could no longer pose a threat to us. He protested vehemently that he was being setup but there wasn’t a sympathetic ear in the room. I didn’t feel relief though, the cold dark stare of his eyes chilled me to the bone and I looked instinctively to Jamie to make sure we were safe. We still didn’t know why he was so transfixed on Jamie, or why he felt so passionately that what he did was justified, but for the proceeding it didn’t seem to matter.

“I hope you are pleased with the findings.” Lord John asked as he made his way over to us in the food hall.

“Aye.” Jamie nodded, putting down the half stale bannock and taking a sip of his ale. “It’ll do. Thank ye.”  
“The British Army has no need of men like Wilmington. I’m just sorry that you and your family had to become involved in this.”

“I cannae disagree with ye there John.” Jamie glanced quickly at me, I hadn’t touched my plate much, and I knew he worried about me.

“Are you well ma’am?” Lord John asked, noting the same. Jamie went to answer for me, then hesitated, waiting to hear the answer for himself.

“Just a little tired. It’s been a long day.” I said pushing the plate away and contemplating a sip of ale myself.  
“That it has ma’am.” Lord John agreed. “Well. Mr Wilmington.” I noted pleasingly that he had dropped the use of Captain. “Will be spending the night behind lock doors, until his disposition improves.” John assured us, “So you can sleep well tonight. I promise you Mrs Fraser, no harm will ever come to you.” I nodded thankfully, then witnessed a familial nod between John and Jamie and found myself intrigued once more as to how Jamie had come to befriend an Englishman so deeply.

“If you will excuse me then gentleman.” I stood up, my head spinning for a second as I got my bearings. Jamie’s arm was under my elbow before I could protest and John had pulled the chair out of our path.

“Of course ma’am. Rest well.” He bowed and then watched as Jamie took me back to our room.      

“Are ye ill mo nighean donn?” Jamie whispered, looking around the room for something, or someone to help. “Is it the bairn?”

“Nothing an early night and a hot bath couldn’t cure.” I assured him as he undressed me down to my shift and slid the covers over me. “Will you join me?”

“Not just yet Sassenach, I’ve a few matters to attend to first.” Jamie kissed me on the head, made sure I had a glass of ale nearby and then went to join the others back down in the main parlour. I closed my eyes, tried not to hear Wilmington’s voice screaming his threats in my ears, and drifted off soundly to sleep.

 

JAMMF

 

“There you are.” I had been looking for Jamie for the past few minutes. It was still early, but I knew Jamie must have been up for hours. The sheets where he lay were already starting to cool and I also knew that the recounts of the past few days would be playing heavily on his mind. I had looked first in the main hall, thinking he may have gone down to breakfast, but finding him absent I had enquired with one of the guards who had seen Jamie heading towards the stables.

“Tending to the horses always helps to clear my mind.” He whispered back as he brushed Donas down with careful strokes.

“You could have woken me. I wouldn’t have minded if you needed someone to talk to.”  
“Ye looked so peaceful Sassenach and I dinnae want to wake ye.”

“Well I’m awake now.” I said, he had his back to me, and I reached my hands around his waist and rested my head on the back of his shoulders. He was so warm against my cheek and I nuzzled in a little deeper.

“Careful Sassenach. We’re being watched.” He grinned, engulfing my hands in his and warming them for me. The morning air was fresh but it was also cool.

“I don’t care.” I said, “Let them try to stop me.” But I noted that they were turning away now, allowing us some privacy.

“It’s a daft man mo gradh who would take on a fiery tempered Sassenach, let alone one with child.”

“Then kiss me.” He stopped still, turned and grabbed me in full embrace, taking my head in his hands as his large palms warmed my ears. I wanted to tell him how grateful I was, how lucky I was to have him in my life. He would defend me, protect me with every breath in his body, and even after I imagined. He would risk it all for me and ask nothing in return. Jamie pulled me in close, touched his lips against mine, drawing back and biting my lower lip as he smirked.

“Ye welcome.” He whispered as he kissed me thoroughly. I felt pleasantly giddy when we parted, and reached out to grab the post for momentary support. “Best get ye things Sassenach, I don’t want to stay here any longer than we need to, and there’s a fierce storm coming over those hills.” He said looking towards the north.

“I’ll tell Jenny and Ian.” I offered, beginning to walk away, but Jamie reached out and grabbed my wrist, pulling me closer for one last kiss.

“Hurray back to me, Claire Fraser.” He said, pressing his forehead to mine.

“Always.” I promised him back. I turned to leave, his kiss still warm on my lips, when a familiar voice turned my skin cold.

“I told you I’d find you.” The voice was sharp and sinister as it echoed from the shadows at the rear of the stables.

“Claire.” Jamie whispered, “Run.”

“Oh I don’t think so.” The darkness objected, “Not unless you want me to slit your husbands throat.” I froze, what were the chances he was bluffing? Probably none. And what were the chances that Jamie could over power him before it came to that? Probably good, but could I chance it?

“Claire?” Jamie questioned why I hadn’t left yet.

“NO!” I shook my head, “What do you want? Why are you doing this?” I asked him. Time for some bloody answers I thought. I looked around, there was no way of raising the alarm without risking Jamie’s life, or mine. And then it occurred to me, what if he wasn’t alone? I felt for the small blade in my pocket, good it was still there.

“I’ve a debt to settle with you Mr Fraser and I aim to do it before I am sent away and it’s too late.”  
“What debt?” Jamie asked, he held his hands wide in a non-threatening manner, but I could see his hand twitching as it yearned to grab his dirk.

“I know all about you, Red Jamie. You led the bloody rebellion against the English in ’45. It was because of you and your men that the war lasted as long as it did.”  
“There were a great many Generals and soldiers in the war sir.” Jamie reminded him, “I was but just one man.”  
“They hung on your every word, they did your bidding.” My bones shuddered, if only he knew, how many times we had tried to prevent that bloody war. How many of those men had dismissed Jamie’s concerns and forced their own disastrous plans instead.

“It’s not true.” I yelled back at him, eager to defend Jamie, “We tried to stop the war. We didn’t want it to go on any more than you did.”  
“Claire!” Jamie warned me, shifting slightly to place himself between us.

“Do you remember a little place called Prestonpans?” He asked, stepping slightly out of the dark so that half his face was visible, “I saw you there, leading your men.” Wilmington continued, “Many of my fellow men were slaughtered that day, gutted where they fell by you and your so called highlanders.”

“It was a war.” I reminded him, “There were casualties on both sides. No one can change that. It’s hardly Jamie’s fault.”

“He led the charge that slaughtered my men, that killed my…” He stopped himself, and I stepped forward absently eager for him to finish his sentence.

“Claire, I beg you, please stay back.” Jamie panicked.

“You care deeply for her, anyone can see how precious she is to you. Imagine if someone was to take her form you?” Wilmington stepped fully into the light, his gaze fixed on me as Jamie stiffened, the full weight of Wilmington’s threat fully received. Jamie took his dirk from his belt and stepped back, pulling me behind him.

“Ye’ll not harm her. I’ll kill ye before ye get the chance.”

“You and who else?” Wilmington asked, looking behind us. Jamie turned, to see what he was looking at, as Wilmington stepped forward and reached out wide taking me by the wrist and dragging me into his grasp.

“Jamie!” I gasped as I found myself pressed tight against him, a sharp knife at my throat. Jamie’s’ knuckles went white around his dirk, his brow furrowed and I saw the look in his eyes. Wilmington was a dead man walking, and scarier still, he knew it.      

“Let her go!” Jamie warned him. “Your fight is with me. I killed your men, not her.”

“No Jamie.” I shook my head, I could see what he was up to and it made my stomach turn.

“Dinna Fash Sassenach.” Jamie inched closer and closer, as Wilmington found himself being backed into a corner against the rear wall.

“Sassenach. What an odd term to call someone you claim to love. Such a derogatory word.”  
“Aye. Tis.” Jamie agreed, looking for his advantage, “But she’s my Sassenach and ye’ll not harm her do ye hear?”

“An eye for an eye.” Wilmington threatened, “You see, it wasn’t just anyone I lost at Prestonpans.” He informed us, “But my beloved brother. He’d been in the army less than three months and you.” He hissed at Jamie, “You and your men chased him down and gut him from neck to navel. He bled out in my arms before I could do anything.” I felt the bile rise in my throat as I imagined what it must have been like.

“I feel verra badly for ye loss, but harming the lass willna bring him back.”  
“But seeing the look in your eyes, when I gut the one you love before you, watching her bleed out as my brother did. That will bring me some comfort.” Wilmington raised the knife and dug it into the top of my breast. I felt the small pin prick and saw the drop of blood that rose to the surface. I closed my eyes, steadying myself against the pain that would follow.

“No!” Jamie’s high pitched yell was a barely distinguishable as he lunged forward, Wilmington stepped back and while he was distracted I reached up and grabbed the lamp glowing on the beams above us. With one hard thump I smashed it into the side of his face. Hot oil covered his cheek, burning his flesh before the lamp fell to the floor and ignited the straw beneath him.

“You witch; I’ll see you burn for this.” Wilmington screamed as he tried to brush the oil from his face. Jamie grabbed me and threw me clear, out towards the courtyard. The smoke made my eyes water but I could just make out the forms of Jamie and Wilmington, locked in a battle to the death as they lunged at each other with their weapons.

“Help, somebody please help!!” I screamed, now free of my captor. I didn’t care who came as long as Jamie was safe. “Jamie!” I cried out but he didn’t answer.

“My god!” I heard Lord John before I saw him, several soldiers busied themselves freeing the horses as Lord John and others watched Jamie and Wilmington, trapped behind a wall of burning hay bales as they fought oblivious to the fire raging around them.

“Are you all right ma’am? Mrs Fraser?” Lt Johnston noticed my ripped bodice and the cut on my breast, he took off his cloak and wrapped it around me.

“Jamie, please.” I called out trying to get to him, but Lt Johnston held me back.

“Mrs Fraser, please it’s not safe here.” He tried to lead me away but I wouldn’t go.

A crowd was gathered now. They tried to pull back the burning bales with long pitchforks but it was a slow and tedious task. I could see Jamie, matching Wilmington blow for blow as his shirt tore and his face smeared with blood began to blacken. I clutched my chest, even if Jamie won he would be consumed by the fire. “Jamie!”

“Sir?” The men looked to Lord John for orders, but there wasn’t much that they could do.

“Keep moving those bales men, we need to get to Mr Fraser. It’s quite clear that Mr Wilmington has lost his mind.”

“Yes sir.”

“Fetch some water.” Another man ordered and a line of men formed from the well in the centre of the courtyard to the burning stables. I had seen such a line in old movies, and always laughed at how useless they had seemed, but now, it appeared to be Jamie’s only hope.

“My god. What happened?” Jenny asked as she ran to my side, tracing a finger over the wound on my breast before looking into the flames where everyone else was looking. “Is that?”  
“My god. It’s Jamie.” Ian spoke for her, “What the devil does he think he’s doing?”  
“Wilmington tried to kill him, and me. Jamie’s lost his mind with rage.”  
“Aye.” Ian nodded, clearly having seen this before. “They’ll be no stopping him then.” Ian moved to shield the two of us as he looked around to assess the situation.

“Have you any ideas?” Lord John asked as he looked on as helpless as us?  
“Pray that he wins.” Ian suggested, and I did. “He’ll not rest until he does, not when his family is at stake.”  
“I see your meaning sir.” Lord John stepped forward, his finger twitching similar to Jamie’s as he looked on. One blow and then another, they seemed to be tiring. Wilmington was on the ground now, barely fighting back. One last blow from Jamie and he was out cold. There was a moment of stunned silence as Jamie stood up, clothes torn, covered in blood and looking like some crazed manic out of a horror movie. I felt the panic ease a little as he stood still and looked up towards our direction.

“Jamie.” I cried out, with relief this time.

“Claire?” He called back, realising he was trapped behind a wall of fire. “Stand back Claire, for god sakes John get her out of here.”  
“I’ve tried sir. Best you come and do it yourself.” John called back, looking for a path to his friend.  
“I aim to do just that, just as soon as I figure out how.”

“Are you injured my friend?” Lord John called out. I waited with baited breath, hoping the answer was no, I couldn’t see him favouring anything but I had learned from experience that Jamie was very good at masking his pain.

“I don’t….” Jamie’s reply was cut short as the sound of gunfire echoed through the burning stable. I ducked, covering my ears as I watched Jamie spin around suddenly and stumble.

“No!” Instinctively I lunged forward to go to him, but I felt Jenny and Ian holding me back. I cursed them. How could they stop me? I looked to my left, Lieutenant Johnston had his weapon aimed but it was Lord John’s gun that had smoke coming out of the barrel. “Jamie?” I couldn’t see him anywhere.

“Aye Sassenach. I’ll do.” He smiled standing back up. The body of Wilmington dead at his feet.

“I had no choice.” Lord John announced to his men.

“Aye.” They agreed in unison.

“Get him out of there. Mr Fraser has been through enough for one day.” John ordered. Then he looked to me, I felt like I was going to be sick. “Lt Johnston, if you would be so kind as to see to Mrs Fraser.”  
“Yes sir.” The Lieutenant took me by the arm and forced me onto a crate just outside the barn.

“I’m fine.” I lied, pushing the bile back down my throat. My heart raced so fast I was sure I was having a heart attack. I could barely catch my breath.

“Ye daft fool.” Jenny flung her hands around her brother as soon as he was clear, “Don’t you ever do anything like that ever again.” She slapped him, then broke free, pushing him in my direction.

He didn’t say anything, there were no words for how we felt. Jamie gathered me up into his arms and held me tight, I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. I could feel him, solid and warm beneath me, he smelled of blood and ash and his hair was slightly singed but he was whole and he was alive.    

“Ye couldna just leave quietly could ye?” Ian patted him on the back, grateful his brother wasn’t dead.

“No.” He whispered eventually, his voice croaky from all the smoke. “I’ll not say I planned this when I woke this morning, but I am surely grateful that the wretched bastard can never harm ye again.” He said, looking back at me.

I cried, as he tried to wipe the tears from my cheek. “I thought I’d lost you. I couldn’t bare it.”   
“Never.” He smiled at me, “I told ye once mo gradh. I made an oath before god to protect ye, and I mean to uphold it.”       

“Take me home Jamie.” I begged him, wishing it all to be over and longing to hold Bree and Em safe in my arms again.

“Come.” Lt Johnston offered his hand as Jamie helped me to my feet. “Mrs Fraser looks like she could do with some rest, and I’d like to tend to those wounds before they get infected.”

 “Aye.” Jamie nodded, wrapping his arm around me and taking my weight as we began walking back towards the main house.   


JAMMF

 

“I’ll do. See to my wife first.” Jamie shrugged off Matthews attentions.

“I’m fine Jamie.” I said trying to deflect them back.  
“Christ ye are. Ye as white as ye shift and ye look like ye legs are about to fall from under ye.” He said lowering me into the nearby chair.

“It’s just shock, I think. It’ll pass.”  
“Aye?” He looked to Matthew and then to me, not sure if I was being honest with him or not.

“You may be right Mrs Fraser.” Matthew said, abandoning his attempt to look at Jamie’s stab wound and taking a seat by me. He grabbed my wrist, took my pulse and checked the whites of my eyes. I hadn’t been assessed like that in years I recalled.

“Well?” I asked, as Jamie passed back and forth behind him.

“I’ll get you some honey water and a warm blanket and I’d like you to rest in bed for a while just to be sure but…”  
“I told you.” I glared back at Jamie, cocking an eyebrow at him for doubting me. “What are you doing?” I asked taken by surprise as Jamie picked me up without warning.

“You heard to doctor. Bed, now.” He said as he lowered me onto the mattress and pulled the covers over me, “And a warm blanket. I’ll have Jenny fetch the honey water.”  
“I’m fine.” I assured him, “Or at least I will be if you would stop dripping blood all over the floor.”  
“Aye. I suppose ye right.” Jamie nodded, placing a hand on the wound to stop the bleeding. Jamie took a seat at the end of the bed and let Matthew clean and stitch the wound.

“I must say.” Matthew quipped as he completed his work, “There’s never a dull moment with you two around, that’s for sure.”

“Not since this one dropped out of the sky.” Jamie joked, looking towards where I sat, critically watching everything Matthew was doing.

“It’s not like your life was a bed of roses before you met me.” I bit back,

“Well.” Matthew said, finishing the last stitch and sitting back as he assessed his work. “You certainly know how to keep a man entertained, but I would take it as a curtesy if you would refrain from such entertainment at least until your safely off of the estate.

“I’ll try my best.” Jamie nodded at him, reaching for the fresh shirt Jenny had found for him and handing Matthew an ale. “Thank ye.” Jamie toasted and skulled the ale.

“My pleasure.” Matthew accepted and did the same.


	30. Snowed In

** Chapter 30: Snowed In  **

Jamie had been right about the storm. Against Jamie’s better judgement we had made haste later that afternoon, to make it back home to Lallybroch as soon as possible. Lord John had leant us one of his wagons which was in better condition and we had arrived home safely just before the heaviest of the snowfalls settled in. Exhausted from our journey and chilled to the bone, I had taken the opportunity to have an early night’s sleep before spending some quality time with Bree in the morning. As the morning light began to rise over the nearby hills, I could see the snow on the peaks, feel the chill in the morning air and I pulled the blankets up closer to my ears to hide from the cold. It was cold?

I felt the sheets behind me, they were cold too. Strange. Jamie had been restless most of the night and he had been keeping the fire well stoked whilst pacing back and forth and grinding his teeth in deep thought. Whatever he was up to he had been gone for a while. I threw back the blankets, tiptoed quickly across the icy floor and threw another log on the fire. The flames roared back into life quickly and I warmed my hands over the fire before looking around for my cloak. I could hear the farm below in full motion already and I decided to head down and see what was going on.  

Jamie, Ian, the boys and a few of the crofters were all gathered around the barn. Sharpening their axes and nodding in agreement as Jamie spoke. I pulled the cloak tighter around me as I cursed myself for not getting dressed first.

“Jamie. What on earth are you doing?” I asked, noting the full scale army of men he had gathered.

“Claire. Are ye mad woman. You’ll catch a death of cold.” He scolded me, taking off his jacket and placing it over my shoulders before guiding me to the fire that burned in the middle of the yard.

“Claire.” Ian greeted me good morning as he threw a few more tools in the back of the wagon.

“What are you men up to?”

“We’re going to gather some trees Milady.” Fergus announced proudly as he finished sharpening his tools and went to stand by Ian.

“Trees? Why?” I wondered.

“To build a sled of course.” Fergus explained, as Jamie watched on unusually quiet.

“Jamie?” I opened up the opportunity for him to explain further, but he made no move to answer.

“That’ll do.” Jamie ordered the men, “I’ll catch up in a minute” He nodded to Ian, who led the men away from the stables and towards the woods.

“Fergus?” I asked again, as he stayed by his master’s side.

“We’re building a sled to get you to the stones Milady.” Fergus announced pleased, then turned his grin to a straight face when Jamie stared him down.

“A sled?” I smiled at Fergus, thanking him, then looked towards the path already covered in 4 inches of snow.

“Aye.” Jamie put down the blade he was sharpening and stepped forward. “The snows have come early this year and there’ll be no getting the wagon through this.”

“But…..” It took me a moment, still groggy from early morning, “Oh.” I felt the child kick, and looked up to meet Jamie’s gaze. He took my hands in his and sighed apologetically.

“I dinnae ken if it will work Sassenach but I have to try.”

“Of course.” I squeezed his hands back, “We’ve got some time.” I assured him, “Promise me you won’t take any chances. I will be most angry with you if you freeze to death out there, or god knows what else.”

“Dinna fash mo nighean donn. We should be back by late afternoon and I aim to have the sled ready by the end of the week. I promised ye I’d get you to your stones, that I’d see ye safe. I’ll not break my vow.”  
“I know.” The tension between us began to grow. Now I knew why he had been unable to sleep. He was worried we wouldn’t be able to make it to Craig Na Dun in time. That we had been delayed too long.

“Best ye be getting back inside.” He ordered as I kissed Jamie on the cheek, took his hands in mine one last time, then sent him on his way.

 

Bree was still fast asleep when I went back inside and Jenny had the chores all under control so I decided to take the time to write another entry in my journal to Mrs Graham. With Wilmington and the trial, the harvest, young Maggie and William I had a bit to tell her and I wanted to get it all down on paper before it was too late. I found it was warmer and more comfortable in my room than in the parlour, the maid servant kept the fire lit and there was a never ending procession of warm beverages and hot broth placed before me. I looked at the sketches of Bree and Jamie I had made, that now sat on my writing desk. I had made some more over the months and kept them in the top draw like a bundle of photos. I took them out and looked through them one by one. I couldn’t admit it, not even to myself, but I was scared. What if we couldn’t get to the stones in time and something did go wrong? I prayed to god and anyone else who was listening, ‘Lord let me be safe, me and the child’.

 

JAMMF

 

As promised, Jamie returned with his men in mid-afternoon and they had managed to fill the wagon with several well sized trees. Jenny and I greeted them with mugs of hot ale and warm broth. Their fingers were almost numb with cold as they gathered around the fire in the main room and I wondered just how long this storm would last. I had seen many come and go over the years, snowing us in for days at a time before the skies parted and the sun melted the snow they left behind. I estimated that the snow was now about 6 inches high, and the skies were as dark as they had been this morning. Even if Jamie managed to make the sled, we could never survive out in the elements for more than a day or two at the most.

“No time to rest Sassenach.” Jamie pushed me aside as I tried to hand him a bowl of stew.

“Jamie you must eat something. Surely you can spare five minutes to keep your strength up?”  
“Sorry Sassenach I must….” Noting my determined stare, he stopped his sentence short and reached out to take the stew, “Perhaps I can spare a few minutes, but only a few mind ye.”

“And well I should think so.” Pleased I had managed to get him to eat something, I passed around a few more bowls of stew to the other men as well. Jenny placed some more wood on the fire and I tended to a few scratches and splinters they had acquired during their mission. It was the least I could do after all they were doing for me.

“Damn.” I cursed as I knocked the ointment off of the table while I was reaching for it. I leaned down to pick it up, and received a strong kick in reply.

“Mistress?” Old Jacob reached down and grabbed the bottle for me, placing it on the table. “Are ye all right?”

“Jenny was right.” I grinned back at him, “They really do kick like a mule on fire. I’ll be glad when I can reach my toes again. That’s for sure.” I rubbed my belly to soothe him as I caught my breath.

“Claire?” Ever vigilant, Jamie was swiftly by my side.

“It’s all right.” I promised him, “I just squished him is all when I bent over. Babies don’t tend to like that.”  
“Aye, I shan’t think they would.” Jamie grinned, eyeing me suspiciously.

I ignored him and completed placing the ointment on Jacobs palm where I had removed the splinter. “There. Just keep the area clean for the next few days and you should be right.” I informed him. “Could you pass me my box?” I asked Jamie as I began to put my things away.

“Aye.” He nodded and positioned it close enough for me to put away the oils and ointments I had been using. I closed the lid and stood up ready to join Jenny in the kitchen. “I best be getting on with it.” Jamie downed the last of his stew, wiped his chin and grabbed his jacket before heading back outside. I watched him leaving, tall and kingly as he went to take charge of his men and his special project. If I knew him, and I did, I wouldn’t see him again until the sled was complete. The damn Scot would freeze out there working his skin to the bone before he wasted another minute on anything else.      

 

JAMMF

 

“Shaw Claire, come sit a while.” Jenny placed a tray of tea and biscuits on the table in front of her as she gestured for me to sit down.

“There’s so much still to do.” I said, looking around the room where all the men had been.

“Aye. And it will still be there after we’ve had a bit of nourishment.” She smoothed out her skirt and sat down, I smoothed out my own skirt and did the same.

“Mmm.” The tea felt soothing as it slid down my throat, “I needed that.”  
“I ken.” Jenny smiled at me. Then she looked at me, as if to say something, then took another sip and looked away.

“It will be all right.” I assured her.

“Aren’t I suppose to be saying that to you?” We could hear the children playing in the room above us, laughing and giggling. “Whatever happens Claire, Bree and Elizabeth will have a home here, and a family that loves them. You’ve no fear of that.”

“I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done, for me and Jamie both.” It seemed so little to say.

“Claire…” Our conversation was cut short by a gut wrenching cry that pierced the walls from outside. Knocking over the tray and biscuits, we gathered our skirts and made haste to see what had happened.

 

JAMMF

 

“Quick lads, get some rope. Lift those logs.” I heard him order.

“Jamie!” Ian cried out racing to his side and cradling him in his arms. “Hold on son. Ye’ll be all right.” He didn’t answer, trying to be brave, but the pain was too intense and he let out another blood curdling cry as the men tried to lift another log off of his leg.

“Jamie!” Jenny raced to her son’s side as I ordered one of the crofters nearby to go upstairs and get my bag.

“Careful.” Jamie warned us, “The loads not stable.” He placed a rope around one end of the log, and with his horse and a quick makeshift pulley he lifted it off of young Jamie. Two men doing the same lifted the last remaining log and laid them to the side.  “Is he badly injured?” Jamie asked as he came to join us. There was a gash on his leg, and the ground was stained red.

“Can you move your leg at all?” I asked him.

“No aunty. It’s numb I cannae feel a thing.” He looked at his parents, desperate for comfort. “Is he going to lose his leg?” His father asked remorsefully.   
“Don’t panic.” I urged Ian and Jenny. “The ground is frozen. It’s too early to tell. Bring him inside and I’ll see what I can do.” I ordered them as everyone looked on.

“Aye.” Jamie pushed Jenny aside as he and the other men lifted young Jamie up and into the air. “Careful. Mind he hasn’t hurt his back as well.” I warned them.

 

They laid him down carefully on the dining room table, Jenny placed a blanket under his head as Ian held his hand and tried to comfort him. I poured some whiskey over my hands, and the open wound and began my examination. “What happened?” I asked as they hovered around nervously. My medicine bag arrived and Jamie set the instruments out as he had seen me do a dozen times.

“The rope slipped.” I heard an older man say from the doorway, “My hands froze up and I couldna hold it. I am so very sorry Laird. Will the lad be damaged?” He asked apologetically.

“Ye’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Jamie soothed him, “It was but an accident.”

“It’s my fault.” Ian demanded “I shoulda told him to be more careful. Sometimes I forget how young he is.”

“He’s a tough lad Ian. He’ll be right.” Jamie looked to me, eager to be proven right.

“The wound doesn’t look too deep, and the skin is returning to its normal colour.” I noted aloud.  
“What does that mean?” Jenny asked, holding Jamie’s hand tight.

“Can you feel your toes?” I asked young Jamie, “Can you try and wiggle them for me?”  
“I imagined the air being sucked from the room as everyone breathed in, and then explode back in with a burst as we breathed out with relief. “Good. That’s good.” I nodded. “You’ve broken your bone just below your knee but I can mend that.”

“So he’ll not lose his leg then?” The older Ian asked again, fearful his son should be a cripple like himself, and at such a young age.

“He’ll not lose his leg. But he won’t be able to use it for some time while it heals.” Jenny and Ian hugged their son tightly, squeezing him between them like the meat in a sandwich while I cleaned up the wound. “I’ll stitch up the wound first, then I’ll set his leg.”

“Here son.” Jamie handed his namesake a jug full of one of his latest batches of whiskey and told him to drink up, “Trust me, it’ll dull the pain.” He advised him. I let go of my own breath, my heart racing as I felt a relief at not having to do the unthinkable. To remove someone’s limb without anaesthetic was a horrendous affair. To do it on someone you knew and cared for was just unthinkable. Jamie placed a warm comforting hand on my back and I thanked god that he was there to support me. I looked around the room, there were a many crofters and family members watching on and I knew that setting the bones would be a painful affair. Jamie saw it too and took my lead.

“Come.” He said to those who had gathered. “The hour is getting late and we’ve a bit of work to go before we are ready to call it a day.” He kissed me on the forehead to wish me luck, then led the men back outside so that I could see to young Jamie in peace. Jenny and Ian stayed by his side. Ian holding his sons hand while Jenny helped me with the procedure. Fergus never left his friends side, staying close by just out of sight making sure that his friend was all right.

“Dinna Fash mother.” Young Jamie whispered as Ian gave him another sip. “I’ll be braw.”

 

JAMMF

 

“Blessed Michael.” Had I been careless? Had I pushed the men too far? I felt trapped, working to an impossible deadline with odds too high to mention. I couldn’t fail, because if I did, if I didn’t build the sled in time, then Claire and the child would suffer the consequences. I couldna live with myself if I lost them. The sun was going down and we were losing light so I threw another log on the fire to build it up. The men had managed to get the rest of the logs off of the wagon without incident and we had piled them up by the side of the barn ready to use.

“Why had it been the young lad? God what if….” I cursed out loud.

“Ye cannae blame yeself.” Ian spoke as he came to join me.

“What are ye doing here? Is the lad?” I hesitated to ask further.  
“He’s braw. Thanks to you and Claire.”  
“Och no. If it hadn’t been for my stubborn insistence….”  
“Claire says your quick action, getting the logs off of him so fast, that ye saved his life.”  
“But…”  
“But nothing. I ken why you are how you are, we all do. We wanted to get this sled built as fast as you do. Ye not the only one who cares for her safety.”

“You’re a good man Ian. Much more forgiving than I.” Jamie cursed himself for yet another failing.   

“There is nothing to forgive.” He insisted, “And that’ll be the end of that. Now. The women have everything under control inside, I’ve come to see what I can do to help.”

“We’ll you can start by helping to measure the timber. I’ll need at least ten planks all at six feet long.” I had calculated the measurements precisely.

“Aye.” Ian picked up the nearby piece of rope and began to measure out six feet in length exactly.

 

 

“Fergus.” Jamie called out, seeing the boy round the corner to join them at the stable. “Have you come to help lad?”  
“No Milord.” There was a strange infliction in his voice.

“What   is it son?” Ian asked, “Is it young Jamie?”

“No Milord, James is fine.” He answered not sure how to proceed, “Milady says the leg should heal in time and he has been sent to rest.” Ian sighed deeply as Jamie patted him on the back.

“Then what is it lad?” He asked, noting the look of concern on Fergus’s face still.

“It’s Milady, Milord. The child, it is coming.”  
“Claire!” Jamie looked to Fergus, and then to Ian and then back towards the house. “No?” She couldn’t, it was too early and the sled wasn’t ready.

“I’m afraid so Milord. Mistress Murray says not to worry but…..” Fergus’s words drifted off into the wind as Jamie dropped the tool he had been holding and raced back towards the house at full speed. His heart was racing, she couldn’t be having the bairn now, not here, he needed more time.

 

“Claire? Claire?” He called out as he made his way up the stairs towards their room. Young Jamie was by the fire in the parlour, being tended to by Katherine.

“Ma took her upstairs Uncle Jamie.” Katherine told him as he rushed past the parlour and up the stairs. He felt ill and longed to stop and take a breath but there was no time.

“Claire?” He called out again as he reached the first level and made his way through the door.

 

Claire was sitting up in the bed, talking softly to Jenny as she pulled the quilts back up over her. I had startled them and they looked up at me, surprised faces matching each others. I shook my head, no. Damn it. Blessed Micheal and Bride, what could I do? There must be something. Claire reached out her hand and I stepped forward to take it “I’m sorry Jamie.” She said as she closed her eyes during the next contraction.

“No. It is I that is sorry Sassenach” I shook my head, “There must be something I can do. Anything just tell me what it is.”

“It’s out of our hands now.” She placed a cool hand on my cheek, and I saw the tear form in her eyes before she blinked it away. “Stay with me Jamie, I can do this if I know that you are with me.”  
“I’ll not leave ye, ever.” I took my place on the bed beside her, and held her in my arms. “I told ye mo gradh, nothing on heaven or earth could take me from ye side.”

“I know I told you I wasn’t but I am, I’m scared.” Her hands were shaking and I could feel the tightness in her chest matching my own.

“Ye need not be scared while I’m here. I’ll not let anything happen to ye.” I promised her again as I had so many years ago at Leoch. I pulled her close to me, my head resting on her head as I caught a whiff of the fragrance in her hair and pushed my own fears deep down. I breathed the scent of her in deep, willing her to stay with me always. “We can do this mo gradh, together. And may heaven help God himself if he tries to take ye from me.”

 

JAMMF

 

The contractions were mild at first, almost twenty minutes apart. Jamie talked to me about this and that, distracting us both from what was happening. He brushed my hair, rubbed my back and helped Jenny to boil the water on the fire. I felt so sorry for him, there wasn’t much he could do except for keep me company.  Jenny had sent the children to Mrs McNeil’s for the night. It had pained me to hug Bree goodbye but I knew it was for the best.

“Uggh.” Four, five, six I counted in my head as I breathed out slowly. “I’m tired of all this waiting around. Why doesn’t he just come already?” I moaned as Jamie rubbed my lower back.

“I’ll get all the time I can with ye Claire, but I wish I could give ye something for the pain.”

“Whiskey. You can give me some more of your whiskey.”  
“Surely you’ll not want to be…”  
“NOW!” I screamed at him as the intensity increased. It had been almost 5 hours and I could feel the labour shifting. I wasn’t ready. I wanted more time.

“Yes Milady.” Jamie grabbed the flask from the shelf and went to pour a glass, I took the flask from him and sculled the contents.

“Easy Sassenach.” He stopped me, stunned, “Ye’ll want to be saving some for later.”

“Promise me Jamie.”  
“Anything Sassenach.”  
“Promise me that you’ll not let them mourn me. I don’t want the girls to be sad.”

“Stop talking so daft. I told ye I’ll not let anything happen to ye.”  
“Promise me!”

“Aye. I promise.”

“Good.” I let out a shallow breath, “I can feel him, he’s dropped.” I said trying to walk through the pain.

“What does that mean?”  
“It means that he’s on his way.”

“Do ye want me to call out for Jenny?” He asked, not waiting for my reply before doing so.

“It’ll be some time yet I’m afraid.” He held my arm as he walked me around the room. It was warm, too warm for my liking and I felt my head spin as the alcohol flowed through my veins.

“Best ye take a seat for a moment Claire.” He advised gripping me tightly.

“Are ye all right?” Jenny asked as she returned with freshly washed linen and a fresh pitcher of water.

“His wee heads dropped.” Jamie informed her.  
“Aye well, we’re getting closer then.”  She grinned.

 

JAMMF

 

“Claire.” I felt him rouse me from my sleep. I shook my head. “Ye need to drink something for me.”

“Hmm.” I shooed his hand away, I was too tired.

“Ye need to make her Jamie. She needs to keep strong.” I heard Jenny tell him. I didn’t have the strength to open my eyes, but as the cup was pressed firm against my lips I managed to swallow some of it before it ran down my chin. I didn’t know how long it had been, seven, eight, twelve hours. I was exhausted. The labour had intensified but it hadn’t progressed and the baby’s head refused to engage further.

“Claire… wake up Claire.” Jamie shook me as I groaned through another contraction. “If not for my sake, then for Bree and Em. Ye need to wake up mo gradh.”  
“I’m awake.” I mumbled. I could feel Jamie behind me, bracing me against him as I tried to sit up.

“How long can she last like this?” He asked his sister concerned.

“She’s fine.” She told him unconvincingly.

“Blessed Michael.” I heard him pray. I dug down deep and opened my eyes.

“That’s it Sassenach. It won’t be much longer now.” I heard him whisper as he brushed the hair from my face.

“She’s just drunk is all.” Jenny tried to calm him. I was definitely drunk, that much I knew, but I also knew that I was in a lot of trouble as well.  

“Jenny.” I whispered, looking her straight in the eye. “I need you to remember what we spoke about.”  
“No.” She gathered the soiled sheets and bundled them up into a ball before placing some fresh linen at the base of the bed, “Not yet.”  
“You know as well as I do.”  
“What are ye talking about Sassenach?” Jamie asked confused.  
“Nothing.” Jenny cut me off. “Just daft foolishness. Pay it no mind.”

“I’ve not forgotten Claire. But we’re not there yet.” She added. I tried to protest, but I felt myself drifting off to sleep again.

 

JAMMF

 

 

“Open ye eyes Claire.” I shook her, harder than I intended but I wasn’t going to let her go not now. “Look at me mo gradh.” My voice was weak from talking to her for the past eight hours, but she was so much weaker. The bairn was coming slowly and she was exhausted.

“I’m awake.” She whispered again, “Tell me about the house.” I gave her some more water, she looked pale and I could feel her slipping away from me. I held on to her with all of my strength, afraid that if I let go of her that she might slip away completely.

“It’s going to be a grand house…..” I told her. “With a room for all the bairns and a grand room for all ye wee herbs.” She grinned softly, “And a broad parlour where we can watch all of our grandchildren playing.”

“I’d like that.” She whispered.

“You’ll have it. All ye have to do is hang in there Sassenach. Take my strength if ye need it but for Christ’s dinna let go.”  
“I’m sorry Jamie.”

“It is I that am sorry Sassenach. I shoulda got ye to the stones like I promised.”

“I didn’t want to go. I wanted to be here with you.”

“You’re a stubborn woman Claire.”  
“I get that from you.” She teased me. I took that as a good sign.

“Hmm. Well hold on to that. I need ye to be stubborn just a little bit longer Claire. That’s an order.”

“Yes Master.”

I sat there. Holding her in my arms as she looked around the room through groggy eyes. I could feel her fighting to stay, fighting for our child inside of her. I could sense her distress, her fear. I knew that her past was coming back to haunt her and I wanted to promise her that everything would be all right. I wanted to promise myself that everything would be all right. Christ I felt so helpless.

 

JAMMF

 

It had been a long night, the morning was fast approaching and the bairn was coming quicker now. Claire was cursing in all manner of forms, even the Gaelic.

“Christ Jamie.” She squeezed my hand, so hard I thought the bones had shattered again, then the tension in her face eased and she let go. I smoothed the cool cloth over her head and kissed the base of her neck.

“Not long now.” Jenny smiled,

“God.” She cursed, “I’m not doing this ever again. You can find someone else to have ye other children I’m done.”

“Aye.” I agreed with her momentarily, “Maybe my next wife will be a fine cook as well.” I said, receiving an elbow to the ribs for my remark.

“I hope she poisons ye food.” Claire made an inhuman wailing noise, I had heard Jenny make it before, then Claire rolled over onto all fours and started squeezing my hand tighter than before.

“Claire?” I panicked. What was happening?

“He’s coming.” Jenny said, placing the dirk and other instruments Claire had provided her with in the boiling water and smoothing out the hay by the fire.

“Tell me what to do mo nighean don.” I begged, but she didn’t answer me. She simply shook her head and moaned. I looked to Jenny helpless, I needed to do something to ease her pain.

“She needs to lay down by the fire.” Jenny insisted, “Help get her into position.” Claire protested when I tried to lead her towards the fire, but I stood my ground and followed Jenny’s orders. I sat behind her, holding her against my chest for support. She closed her eyes, resting a moment as I bathed her skin with a cool sponge, then she opened them, staring intently at Jenny.

“You promised.” She began again, taking Jenny’s hand and holding it tight, “Promise me.”  
“I promise.” Jenny nodded, glancing towards the fire, “Now hush and rest.”

“Promised what?” I asked again, but both woman looked away and ignored my request. I went to protest, but Claire dug her nails deep into my flesh and I held her tight, willing her my strength. She screamed, so loud and piercing that it made my blood curdle, I felt so helpless, so responsible. I had been the one to get her with child and yet there was nothing I could do to help her bare it. It was all my fault.

“Ye doing a braw job mo nighean donn.” I whispered to her, my hands gone white from the pressure. She rocked herself onto her knees, and I did the same behind her as she pressed down into the palms of my hand and screamed once more.

“I can’t do this Jamie.” She cried between breaths, as her head rolled back into my shoulder.

“Of course ye can, ye almost done.” I encouraged her but she shook her head and cried. I managed to get one hand free. Wiping her sweat soaked hair form her eyes, I whispered into her ear, “Ye are blood of my blood and bone of my bone, I give ye my body that we two may be one.” She tensed up, I saw the smile on Jenny’s face and the shift in weight, in Claire, “And I give ye my spirit mo gradh till our life shall be done.” I kissed her on the forehead and pushed down into the ground with her, “We can do this mo nighean donn together.” She nodded, closed her eyes and pushed.

 

 

“That’s it Claire.” Jenny announced as I felt like I was being torn in two. “Another push or two and ye’ll be holding ye wee one in ye arms.” She told me, but I was speechless. Could we really be doing it?

“Oh mo nighean donn. I love ye so very very much.” Jamie kissed me on the forehead. I gripped him tight as the next contraction came.

“Now Claire.” Jenny said, preparing to guide him into the world. Barely able to hold my own head up from exhaustion, I pushed deep down as the only sound I was capable of making was a deep wail.

“I can feel him.” Jenny announced, but the joy was short lived. The pain was unbearable.

“What’s wrong?” I felt Jamie stiffen up behind me as I started to feel myself drift away.

“The shoulders are stuck. Stay with me Claire.” I wanted to. It felt important to stay awake but my eyes felt heavy.

“Claire!. CLAIRE!” I heard him call.

“Christ.” Jenny looked at her brother, her eyes full of panic.

“No, no, no, no, no. Damn you Claire. Ye promised. Open ye eyes.” Jamie screamed.

 

JAMMF

 

“What’s going on?” Ian asked as he came running through the door. “Christ.” There was blood all over the straw.

“She’s haemorrhaging.” Jenny shook her head in disbelief. “Quick. I need to deliver the baby. Hand me the dirk.”  
“Here.” Ian gave Jenny the dirk without question.

“What do ye think ye doing with that?” Jamie yelled at her.

“I need to save the baby.” The pain in Jamie’s eyes tore her to shreds when he realised what she meant.

“There has to be another way.” Jamie pleaded.   
“I’m sorry brother. I wish there were. She made me promise.”  
“No.” Jamie shook Claire hard, “Damn Claire wake up. I need ye to fight god damn it. Ye can’t do it.” He begged. “She won’t survive.”  
“If I don’t then we’ll lose them both.”

 

 

 

 

“Jenny. Do something.” I heard Jamie yell as he pulled me up closer to him, if that was even possible. I saw her look blankly at him, her face pale and speechless, I’d never seen her lost for words. I felt the bundle of boiled rags I had prepared earlier being bundled inside me to try and stop the bleeding. I knew what was happening, I had felt it before. The placenta had torn. I closed my eyes, I was so very tired, but something shook me violently, it was Jamie. I opened my eyes briefly, two large frightened blue eyes staring back at me. “NO!” He yelled, “NO!” He repeated. “I’ll not loose ye Claire, not now, not like this.”

“I’m sorry Jamie.” I whispered, “I love you.” He kissed me hard and I saw the tears running across his face and land like drops of salt on mine as they glided into my mouth. “Forgive… m…..”   


JAMMF

 

“Claire? Claire?” Jamie cried out, shaking her violently as her hand slipped from his and lay lifeless across her chest. “Oh Christ Claire. NO!” He looked up at me, my hands covered in her blood as I watched helpless to do anything. I heard the footsteps outside the door, I knew they would have heard his screams by now and they would be coming to help, but there was nothing anyone could do. I had seen him angry before, even enraged but this was something different. The way Jamie looked towards the fireplace, her instruments still boiled and ready and then back at me, there was something dark and tormented in the way he stared at me. I took a step back, but he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me hard. “Ye must be able to do something? Ye promised, I heard ye promise her. For Christ sake Jenny do something.” He shook me so hard my hair fell from its clips and I felt myself slammed against the back of the draws. I looked up, trying to calm my brother, but he wasn’t there anymore, there was something new in his place, something frightening. 

“Jamie please, your hurting me.” I cried out as hands grabbed him from behind and tore him off of me.

“Where’s ye head lad?” Murtagh asked as he tried to restrain him.

“Jamie please.” Ian begged as he helped Murtagh, with little success, to pull the irate Scot away from me and over to the other side of the room.

Jamie glanced at Claire, still lifeless on the floor and then back to me and the fire raged within him again. He swung wild, knocking Ian off of his feet and connecting with a right cross to Murtagh’s jaw. They shook off their injuries and tried to restrain him again, this time Ian was thrown across the room, the ornaments on the draws by the window crashing to the floor as he tried to grab something to break his fall. Murtagh had Jamie by one arm, but was being thrown around like a rag doll. I was torn between fleeing for my life and saving Claire’s child.

“Mr Fraser. Please.” The authoritative tone of the voice caught him off guard and he looked up, “JAMIE!!.” He repeated more cordially now he had his attention. “What on earth is going on here?” He asked, looking towards his companion who was tending to Jenny’s red throat and shaken appearance, and then to the body on the floor. The man let out a mournful sigh, shook his head and then looked the Scot square in the eye. “Do you think that Claire would want to see you like this?” He asked, “Get a hold of yourself man.” Lord John placed a hand on Jamie’s arm, while Murtagh and Ian held him tightly in there’s. “She was a fine woman and we all know how deeply you felt for one another, but you don’t do her any justice acting this way.” He tried to turn Jamie toward the door, but he stood his ground, looking down at his wife, his love, his home, lying motionless on the ground at his feet. “Come, I’m sure you will want to see your daughters.” John suggested trying to calm him down and give him purpose.  

Jamie shrugged, thought a moment then stopped fighting. He felt Ian and Murtagh release him and he fell to his knees, gathering Claire in his arms and kissing her one last time. “I’ll see ye soon mo nighean donn. You’ll not be alone for long.” He whispered and then lay her gently back on the ground, as if she were sleeping. “Look after them.” He nodded to Jenny and then left.


	31. A Life Hangs In The Balance

** Chapter 31: Life hangs in the balance. **

 

“Are ye all right? He didn’t hurt ye did he?” Ian asked Jenny as he came to her side. She was rattled, but her attention was on Claire and her unborn child as she knelt down beside them.   
“No.” She replied to Ian as she watched Lt Johnston attend to Claire. “What are ye doing?” She asked him curiously. Surely they were both passing from this world.

“I’m feeling for a pulse.” He stared off into the distance a moment before bouncing into action. “There.” He grinned, “It’s faint but it’s definitely there.” He announced.

“What on earth are ye blabbering about?” Murtagh asked. Watching towards the door, trying to decide if he should run after Jamie or stay to protect Claire and the others.

“She’s alive.” He remarked hastily as he rolled up his sleeves and felt inside her womb. He looked at the rags and the blood soaked hay. Jenny had done a good job of slowing the blood flow. There might just be some chance he thought to himself. “I’m going to need some more rags, a hot poker and Claire’s medical kit.” He ordered. “And that dirk.”

“Ye mean ye can still save them?” Murtagh asked, optimistically.

“I’m not sure” Johnston replied, “But I’m bloody well going to try.”

Lord John squeezed his companion on the shoulder in support and looked to Murtagh. “Where did Jamie go?” He asked, “He needs to know.”  
“I dinna ken. He could be anywhere by now.” Jenny looked to Murtagh but it was Ian who shared their thoughts aloud.

“We have to find him before he does anything foolish.” John noticed their glances and shared their concerns, he too had lost a companion once and knew Jamie’s mind well.

“I’ve seen him like this before.” John admitted, “He means to join her. I think we’d best go after him.” John ordered, “Before it’s too late.”

“Aye.” Murtagh agreed.

“I’ll come with ye.” Ian said as loud footsteps ran up the stairs. Ian made sure Jenny was all right then headed off with the men, a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Milday, Milady…” Fergus ran into the room flying past the men on their way out. Seeing Claire lying on the floor he crossed himself to ward off evil spirits and shed a tear. “Milady?” He cried.

“What is it lad?” Murtagh asked.

“He’s taken his horse.” Fergus panicked, “He had a wild look in his eye and it frightened me something fierce.”

“Blessed Michael, he really means to do it then.” Murtagh cursed, placing a soothing hand on Fergus’s shoulder, “Never fear lad, we were just about to go after him.”

“Hurray, please.” Fergus begged as he looked on intrigued by what Lt Johnston and Jenny were doing before him. 

“Stay here lad and help Mrs Murray.”

“Yes Sir.” Fergus stood aside and let the three men pass. “Find him please. I do not wish anything bad to happen to Milord.”

 

JAMMF

****

Rage. Blind, unbridled, ravenous rage boiled in his veins. Why hadn’t he taken her to the stones earlier? Why hadn’t he been more careful and not gotten her with child in the first place. My god, the screams. When he thought about how much pain she must have been in, how scared she must have been. How could he have been so selfish? There was only one way he could make it up to her. He had promised her once that she would never be alone and helpless ever again and if he couldn’t keep her safe, he could at least make sure she wasn’t alone. He knew that taking his own life was a mortal sin, no more than murdering her through his careless actions. But he prayed that the good lord would take pity on him and let him join her in the ever after. The bairns would be well taken care of. He had no fear of that. They were better off without him, if he couldn’t forgive himself for killing their mother then how could they?

 

He couldn’t remember exactly what had happened. He could remember Jenny crying out. He knew Ian and Murtagh were there, and someone else. Who was that? He couldn’t recall. All he knew was that his skin was crawling and he felt like the air was being squeezed right out of him if he stayed in that room any longer. He could see her, eyes closed peaceful in sleep, her hair moist as it gathered around her neck and shoulders. Her lips, still warm and sweet. Christ she had asked him to forgive her, what could she ever have done to need forgiveness. He couldn’t let her go to her grave thinking that she was to blame. He knew exactly what he had to do. Spurring his horse into a full sprint, he headed towards the narrow trail that led towards the edge of the cliff.

“Hold on mo nighean donn. I’ll be with you soon.” He called out. The trail was narrow and unstable and the cascade to the fields below was steep. They didn’t call it the devils peak for nothing.

 

 

JAMMF

 

“Was he dead?” He had decided to let the fates decide. Riding the horse along the cliffs edge, he kicked it in the girth causing it to sprint off and rear up. The fall was over quicker than he thought. A moment of feeling weightless followed by a loud thud as he landed on the rocks below. Damned if he wasn’t still alive. He could feel the drop of the cliff to his right. All he needed to do was roll over onto his side and the job would be complete. He closed his eyes, as tears fell down his cheeks. “Claire.” He cried out. He inhaled sharply as he sobbed and the pain seared through his flesh. Had he broken a rib?

“Tell me what to do Claire.”

“Ye stubborn English wench. How could ye leave me like this? I dinna forgive ye Claire. Ye hear me. I dinna forgive ye for leaving me like this.” He cried out.

“I dinna forgive ye.” If he lay there long enough, he could die of exposure, or starvation he thought to himself. That’ll teach her. She’ll have to come back to him then, to save him as she always did.

He recalled the touch of her skin, the scent of her hair. He could imagine her standing over him, telling him how foolish he had been and cursing him for being so reckless. He felt himself smile, she looked so beautiful when she had her back up. “I’m sorry Claire.” He cried, “I’m so very very sorry.” Why wouldn’t the lord take him and let him be with her? Was he cursed to a life without her for the things that he had done? Was this hell?

 

JAMMF

 

“I thought I might find ye here.” Murtagh said softly as he came upon Jamie, lying in the cold snow staring off across the fields below. He had managed eventually to crawl up to the top of the ledge, but refused to move any further.

“Leave me be.” He protested.  
“So ye not dead yet then?” Murtagh felt a great sense of relief.  
“Not from lack of trying, but the fairies aren’t inclined to accept my request just yet.”

“Aye well perhaps that’s for the best ye wee fool.”  
“I cannae live without her Murtagh. I did it once and it tore me apart to do so, I couldna do it again.”  
“An what of ye bairns? Ye would leave them without a father?”

“Jenny will see that they are cared for. And you.” He had it all thought out.

“I should throw ye over my knee and tan ye hide like a bairn for talking like that.”  
“Ye dinna understand, how could ye?” He shouted as he tried to turn away.  
“Oh I understand fine, we all do and we feel for ye lad but this is not the answer, she wouldn’t want this.”

“I promised I’d never leave her, that I would see her safe. I failed her, more than once now. The least I can do is join her and make sure that she’s never alone ever again.”

“I ken ye mourn deeply for her lad. She meant a great deal to myself also but she would be mighty cross with you right now if she were here.”  
“Aye?”

“Aye. She’d tell you to get on ye feet. To stop feeling sorry for yeself and to go look after ye family. You cannae leave them right when they need you the most. They’ve lost their mother and I’ll be damned if I will let them lose their father as well.”

“I’m already lost. The lord has forsaken me.”

“If that were true lad then why did he lead me to you?”

“I have ken’d that he has an odd sense of humor.” I was defeated, I had been denied my death yet again and there was nothing I could do. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my thoughts. “Will ye help me Murtagh. A dinna ken what I’m going to say to them. I cannae do it. I havna half the strength she had.”

Murtagh thumped him over the back of the head, “Ye great clot. Have I not stood by ye side ye whole life? What makes ye think I’m going to abandon ye now?”

Jamie didn’t answer. He only nodded disheartened.

“Now get on ye horse before we freeze to death.” Murtagh ordered him, watching to make sure he didn’t do anything else foolish. He handed him an extra blanket and led the horses carefully back down the trail.

 

JAMMF

It was a slow journey back, but it gave him time to clear his head and think about where he would go to from here, what he would say to Bree and how he would live without her.

“Thank god you found him.” The relief in his voice was unmistakable, almost personal.

“Aye and not a moment too soon.” Murtagh replied as John greeted us on the way back down the trail. What was John doing here? Had he been the person in the room that I couldn’t remember?

“I am very pleased to see you unharmed James.” He said, a faint quiver in his voice.   
“Aye. I’m none too pleased about it but you can have Murtagh to thank for that.” I acknowledged him as best I could manage.

“Well I’m glad he found you in time.” John sounded almost breathless. “I have word from the house.”

“Claire?” Murtagh was in no mood for formal conversations.

“Lt Johnston sends word that Claire is alive.”  
“No” I shook my head and looked to Murtagh. “It’s not possible, I held her in my arms, I felt her go.”   
“It’s a miracle for sure, I don’t know how he does it.” John admitted, “But I assure you James, your wife is still with us.”

I looked at John, and then at Murtagh. Was this a cruel joke? John knew better than to be so unkind. “Claire? She’s not dead?” The words seemed so distorted even as I spoke them.  
“No my friend. Your wife is alive.” John seemed sincere, there was no time to waste. Without waiting for my companions, I spurred my horse to full pace and headed for the house.

 

 

I didn’t wait for the horse to come to a full stop before dismounting and running up the stairs. I flew past all the people gathered in the floors below and headed straight for our bedchambers where I had last seen her.

“Claire.” I cried out as I threw open the door. She was laying in the bed, pale but awake. I reached out to touch her and felt my heart skip as she reached back, her hand warm and alive. “Oh Christ Claire.” I pulled her into my arms so tight I thought I might break her.

“Careful.” Jenny said, placing a cautious hand on my arm.

“I thought I’d killed ye. Oh god Claire do ye forgive me?”

“Forgive you. For what?” She asked as Matthew returned to the room, wiping his hands on the towel Jenny had given him after having cleaned himself up.

“I cannae thank you enough.” I shook his hand, “I dinnae ken if ye a witch but ye’ve the magic for sure.”

“I’m just glad that you are both all right.” Matthew nodded, collecting something from the basket nearby and handing Claire the tiny bundle in his arms.

“Would ye like to meet ye son?” Jenny asked me as Claire held the bundle tightly. I had forgotten. In my grief for Claire I had forgotten about the child. I reached out and took the tiny bundle, studying its features as tears of joy rolled down my cheeks, and hers. Then I stood back a moment startled. What if I was dead? What if this was only a dream and they were both with me here in the afterlife? What if I had succeeded?

“Are ye all right mo gradh?” Jenny asked me as I looked around the room at all of their faces.

“I…. I’m.” It wasn’t a dream. It was real.

 

JAMMF

 

“A son?” Jamie beamed with joy, leaning in and kissing me on the lips. He looked as pale as I felt I thought, as I kissed him back.

“Jamie?” I knew he had been scared, but there was something more. I could see it in his eyes. A fierceness in them, a determination that I hadn’t seen in many years. Jenny and the others were holding something back too and I wondered what had happened while I was out. 

“Yes.” I confirmed “A son.” He sat carefully beside me on the bed and I watched his eyes light up as he saw his son for the first time. He studied him, like a child looking at a rainbow and wondering if it is real.

“My god Claire.” He cried, “He’s perfect.” A tear fell from his cheek and onto the child.

“What would you like to call him?” I asked. “I thought you might like to call him William, after your brother?”   
“William.” He smiled proudly, holding him close to his chest as he started to focus on the present again, returning from wherever he had been, “William James Matthew Fraser.” He continued.

“Matthew?” Lt Johnston glanced at him, “Are you sure?”  
“Aye.” He looked up at him with such gratitude. “Ye brought Claire back to me, not once but twice. Ye saved her and the bairn when I couldn’t. The least I can do is name my son after you. What do ye think Claire?”

“I like it just fine Jamie. It suits him.” I nodded warmly as I watched William, asleep in Jamie’s arms oblivious to all the trouble that had preceded his birth.

“Hello William.” He whispered as Jamie traced his finger gently over his tiny forehead. “We are so very happy to meet you.”

 

JAMMF

 

“Claire.” Jamie began softly as he sat beside me, cradling his sleeping son in his arms sometime later. “I’ve been thinking, and I’ve decided that I don’t want ye to have any more bairns.”  
“But Jamie?”  
“NO. I love ye too much to risk losing ye again mo nighean donn. We have three beautiful bairns, I dinna want ye to have anymore.” I looked at him, I knew where this was coming from, I’d half expected it. “Promise me.” He insisted.

“But I can’t.” How could I promise that I wouldn’t fall pregnant again?   
“I ken ye have ye wee herbs. I heard ye talk about such things in Paris.” He looked at me, an urgency in his voice and his eyes, “Promise me Claire.”  
“I promise.” I said, nodding my head in affirmation, “Jamie I promise.”  
“Good.” He smiled, “Cause I’d hate to have to take up a life of abstinence.” He grinned at me. He’d obviously given this some thought.  
“You’d do that, refuse to take me to bed with you?   
“It would pain me to do so, but if it meant saving ye life? Especially after I thought that I’d never see ye again. I would.” 

“Come here.” I said, grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer to me. I placed a hand on the side of his face and stared at his beautiful features. “You James Fraser are the love of my life. You are mine and don’t ye ever forget it.”

“Aye. And you are mine mo nighean donn. But ye must promise me.

“Alright. If you feel it is for the best.”

“You are my home Claire, you and the bairns. I am nothing without you.” He whispered “Don’t ever leave me again.” He ordered me. Rocking William as he stirred.

“Never.” I promised him as his eyes bore into mine as I looked up to him, pleading with me to keep my vow. With William in one arm, he swept me up in the other and held me so close I could barely breathe.

“Good.” He nodded, “You’re a braw woman Claire and I still dinnae ken what I did to deserve ye.”

 


	32. Chapter 32: Hope and Fears

Chapter 32: Hopes and Fears 

May you, William James Matthew Fraser, be healthy, honest and happy all throughout your life.  
May there always be work for your hands to do.  
May your purse always hold a coin or two.  
May the sun always shine upon your window pane.  
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.  
May the hand of a friend always be near to you and  
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Something was different. Not wrong, not uncomfortable but different. He could recall vividly how his heart had almost exploded with joy when he saw Bree for the first time. How nothing had felt more real to him than holding Em in those first few hours after Claire had returned through the stones, and during the long ride back to Lallybroch. Those memories had given him peace when he felt scared, hope when he felt lost, and the strength to do what needed to be done even when it seemed impossible. There were no words for the immense love he felt for his children. But there was a new sensation now, he didn’t love his daughters any less but he couldn’t deny that there was something about holding his son, his own flesh and blood in his arms, that made him feel like his life was complete. A son who could pass down the Fraser name, to make his own father proud.   
Standing in the early morning light, looking out over the courtyard towards the north facing tower, he whispered to his son “This land is your legacy William, yours and your sisters and I vow to you that I will see it stand proud for you once more.” He was so small, wrapped in Claire’s shawl so that only his tiny hand and face could be seen. Only two days old and already more precious to him than he could have ever imagined. A single strand of hair covered his head, too early yet to tell if it was auburn like his mothers, or red like his own. His eyes were still dark blue, but Jenny had told him once that all children’s eyes are blue until they grow into them. He could sense Claire’s spirit within him, strong and determined. That strength had saved his son’s life already and god willing it would keep him from harm in the future, unless he had his mother’s tendency to get herself into grief as well.  
He sighed longingly looking over at the pile of blankets piled warmly around his sleeping love. She had survived, but she was still weak and although he was grateful that she had lived, he couldn’t fight the fear that he may still yet loose her. “Ye mother is a fierce woman, a warrior.” He looked upon her longingly, praying that she could find her strength again soon, “Ye’ve nothing to fear mo ghille, I’ll not let any harm come to ye.” As if sensing his father’s words, William began to stir, he was a restless child never sleeping for more than twenty minutes at a time and always hungry. Jamie hadn’t had a decent nights sleep since before he was born but he didn’t mind. 

JAMMF

Downstairs the house was beginning to stir. “Shh” He whispered again as he walked down the stairs towards the kitchen. Jenny had arranged for some honey water to be ready by the fire if he needed a feed before she was awake. With young Michael, Emily and now William Jenny was doing her best to see that all of the bairns were fed on a regular basis. One of the local crofter’s wives, Mrs Gibbons, had offered her assistance and had come to stay with them, but with a bairn of her own the milk was still stretched thin.   
“Good morning James.” John greeted me warmly as he discarded the pile of firewood he had just carried inside. “And how is young William this morning?”  
“He’s a braw lad John.” I nodded proudly. “Although he does seem awfully fond of the drink. He can’t seem to get enough of the sweet water.”  
“Well as long as he stays off of the hard stuff I dare say he shall be fine.” John looked him over longingly,   
“Aye.” I agreed rocking him gently in my arms.  
“And Claire? Is she well?”  
“She is resting. She assures me she is not in any danger.” As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t find any comfort in her words. The memory of losing her too raw in my mind.  
“She’s a smart woman your Claire. Rest assured James that Matthew tells me she will be on her feet again soon. Have faith in that.”  
“Thank you.” Not just for his kind words, which were sorely needed, but also Jamie acknowledged unspoken with a lingering glance, for bringing Matthew, for saving Claire and the bairn and for coming after him and saving his own life as well. John simply nodded back, ‘you’re welcome’. The exchange was brief and silent but a great deal had been said and understood between them.   
“Shh wean. Ye’ll wake ye mother.” I warned William as I left John and made my way again towards the kitchen. I grabbed the pot of boiled sweet water, checked the temperature like Jenny had shown me and then began to feed William. He barely stirred as he kept his gaze firmly on the jug before him, his exposed hand resting against the side as he gulped down the mixture with haste. I had been quite proud of myself, based on Claire’s descriptions of 20th century feeding devices, I had managed to fashion a ‘bottle’ Claire called it, out of a smaller whiskey urn, some soft timber moulding and a piece of fabric from one of Jenny’s old dresses. Once the ‘bottle’ was filled with the sweet water, the moulded lid could be placed on top to create a smaller opening like a cows udder. It was very rough though so Jenny had insisted on covering the udder with some fabric so as not to cut the bairns mouth. It was a weird idea at first, to feed the wean from a jug but it had proven itself very useful during the last two days.   
“Da….. Da….” Em cried out from her room on the second floor. I had been so proud when she had learned the word just weeks before, but now it was becoming somewhat of an irritation. “Christ.” I swore under my breath, “She’ll wake the whole house up.” I looked to William still feeding and tried to judge how long before he would finish and I could go upstairs to Em.  
“Allow me.” John called out as he returned with a second load of firewood for the kitchen. Before I could argue, John had already climbed the stairs and was heading for her room.   
“What’s wrong with her?” I wondered aloud. She hadn’t been settled in weeks but it was getting worse and nothing I did seemed to console her. I could tell by the pitch in her voice that she was in terrible pain and it broke my heart not to be able to do anything about it. I wished Claire was well enough to tell me what to do. No doubt she would have some ointment or potion that would work.  
“She’s teething the poor lass, they all go through it.” Jenny heard my thoughts. She looked like she had been up all night, her hair in disarray and her clothes smeared with soot as she placed young Michael in the cot beside the warm fire of the oven and grabbed her apron. “They’ll all be wanting their breakfast soon.”  
“I dinna ken how ye do it Jenny. Ye’ve got the five bairns and I’ve only the three bairns, and yet I dinna seem able to manage even with that.”  
“It’s nothing once you get the hang of it, and you will in time.” It was easy to forget that although I had been uncle to Jenny’s children, I had also been absent in France when the older ones were young, and as a guest of the English when the younger children had been born. I hadn’t met Bree until she was almost 5 years old and well past the wean stage and young Em and Micheal were still only just new to the household. The only child I had really seen raised was young Ian, but he had been such a contented docile child that nothing seemed to ever phase him. It was like I was experiencing everything for the first time.   
“Look who’s up.” John announced as he walked into the kitchen with Em in his arms. She was chewing on a piece of leather and seemed to have forgotten what had woken her only moments ago. “I do believe that your daughter has gotten a new tooth.” John grinned, taking a seat at the table and placing Em on his lap ready to feed her.   
“It suits you.” I noted, drawing no attention to the twinkle in Jenny’s eye.  
“I do regret not having had the opportunity to father a child of my own. I guess for some of us that life has other plans.” He paused a moment, looking at me, trying to see if his meaning was clear, and it was. I knew he had feelings for me, that he had desires that took him away from the traditional life of wife and family that most men longed for. It was one of the things that we had bonded over during my incarceration, two fathers forced to live in a world without children. “But this.” He interrupted my thoughts, “If I can be allowed to call myself uncle, to help you and Claire to raise these fine children of yours, then it will give me the greatest honour.”  
“The honour, John.” I allowed myself to smile warmly at him, “Is mine.”   
“Do you have any idea how lucky you are Fraser?” I could hear a tone of regret in his voice, of envy even. He looked away, a quick cough and clearing of his throat and his carefree demeanour was returned.   
“It is you who has made me a lucky man.” I objected. If it wasn’t for your protection and friendship back then, then I would never have lived long enough to see my daughter Bree, or to find Claire again. In truth John, I have you to thank for Emily and William as well. And now, thanks to your friendship with Matthew, I have you to thank for Claire’s life now too. My debt to you will never be repaid.”  
“Just make sure you treat these children, and your wife right and we will be even.” He said, spinning Emily around to face him. “Now young lady. What would you like for breakfast?”

JAMMF

It was another three weeks before the snows cleared enough for John and Matthew to be able to make the journey back to the garrison. They had made themselves useful during their stay, chopping firewood, stoking the fires, bringing in the supplies from the storage shed and ensuring that the livestock didn’t freeze during the long cold nights. Typically, Young Jamie and Fergus would have seen to most of those jobs with help from Ian and myself and a handful of the men. But Fergus was busy tending secretly to our other stock and I had kept the men busy trying to arrange for Claire’s departure before the sudden and harsh storm, that they hadn’t had the time to prepare their own dwellings for the winter. In my remorse, I had sent them all of to tend to their families and to rest up before the snows cleared and life got busy again. Young Jamie was healing well. He was regaining the use of this leg in short bursts and he was able to walk around the house, aided by a walking stick Fergus had fashioned for him from a fallen branch. Watching Ian and young Jamie hobble around the house on their crutches was a strange sight indeed. Jenny didn’t know whether to throttle them or hug them half the time and young Jamie’s mischievous nature and cabin fever was not helping matters one little bit.   
Maggie and Katherine helped out around the house, helping Bree to keep the linen clean and the rooms tidy. They waited on Claire and the rest of us and made do with what little supplies we had left. Bree was becoming so much like her cousins, I wondered how different her life might have been if she had stayed in her time, with Claire. Would she have turned out to be as kind and considerate, or would she have been more independent, more self-indulged like Dougal’s girls who had lived their lives surrounded by maids and servants?  
Standing by the fire, looking out through the parlour window at the first glimpses of sunshine in weeks, everything felt so surreal. How many times had my life been mapped out before me only to change? Loving son, brother, second in line and then heir to the Laird of Lallybroch. Outlaw, soldier, a condemned man in hiding hunted by both the crown and his own blood. Homeless, destitute then heir to the Mackenzie fortune and Leoch. Single, happy, forced to wed, overwhelmed with love. Husband. Father to be. Prisoner and condemned man once again. Traitor to his own people. Wine merchant, father to be and adoptive father. Leader and Commander. Murderer. Widowed and condemned to die yet again. Prisoner. Friend. Pardoned. Simple Farmer and then with great joy, husband and father yet again. Like a giant river reaching out to the sea my life had ebbed and flowed, twisted and turned so many times that to say that I could foresee the future, that I could tell where it would all end was mere foolishness. I knew I was but a mere ripple in the water, making my way from beginning to end and that one day, hopefully far from now, that the journey would end. If there was one thing I could do, it was to vow to myself that for as long as this branch of my life was in motion I would hang onto those I held dear and the land that I loved for as long as I could. After all, I thought to myself, my son in my arms, Bree flittering around nearby and Em playing on the rug by the fire, Claire safe and warm in our bedchamber upstairs, it couldn’t get more perfect than this.

JAMMF

“Jamie?” I still felt tired, even though I had been asleep most of the morning. The wounds from William’s birth still pained me when I moved too suddenly but at least I was able to get up and move around on my own. Feeling my energy returning, I had just sat up in bed, ready to throw off the covers and join my family downstairs when I heard the door opening. I turned ready to see Jamie bounding through the door with Em or William in his arms, but instead was confronted with an unfamiliar hand holding the door slightly ajar.   
“It is I ma’am. Lord John Grey.” His soft voice whispered through the door, “I was not sure if you were awake, but since I find that you are, would you mind terribly if I came in?”  
“Of course.” I don’t know why I hesitated, gathering the bedclothes up and holding them tight against my chest. Jamie had filled me in on many details since I had first learned of his acquaintance with Lord John, and I understood that there’s was not a common bond. I dare say any bond between a prisoner and a soldier is far from common, but their bond clearly went deeper than that, like two long lost brothers, or even lovers.   
“I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He began, grabbing the chair from the corner and taking a seat carefully by the fire, “But Matthew and I will be leaving soon and I do not know when we will get this opportunity again.”  
“Opportunity?” Lovers? I felt an intense surge of jealousy. Jamie was not in love with this man, even if it was clear that this man was in love with Jamie. But I couldn’t help but feel threatened by him nonetheless. There was a silence between us, I could see that he was trying to find the words for what he wanted to say, and normally I would have chimed in but this time I waited. It felt important to let this play out.  
“There was something about James, from the moment I first saw him.” He began, “There was an honesty I suppose? I knew, even when I was only a scared boy in that god awful woods, that he was a man of his word, that he could be trusted.” John looked up at me, nodding slowly, “I can see that you have experienced that too. It’s a rare trait not often seen, not even among the honourable themselves.” He continued,   
“I have noticed as much myself.” I agreed trying to decipher why he was in my room.   
“You know, I thought I was saving you that night.” He grinned shyly, “From being dishonoured at the hands of the unscrupulous Red Jamie. But even then, it was there for anyone to see how fiercely he loved you.”  
“I beg your pardon?” I wasn’t sure where this was going, or rather I feared it was going where I didn’t want it to go.  
“That’s the night I fell in love with him.” He continued bluntly, now avoiding eye contact as he looked at a spot on the floor. “I was jealous of you, even then. I didn’t really understand why at the time, but it seemed important to make sure that he was kept safe.”  
“Your pact with your brother you mean, your family’s debt of honour?” I tried to clarify so that there was no misunderstanding.   
“Precisely. We could have stormed the camp and hunted you all down on the spot but I persuaded my brother not to. I told him I couldn’t remember exactly which way I had gone and that it was too dark to find my way back.”  
“But why?” I asked confused. Why did he do it? Why was he telling me this now?  
“I can’t explain it, it just felt very important not to let anything happen to him.” John tried to explain.   
“It must have been a surprise then, when you found him alive and a prisoner in your cells?”  
“I couldn’t believe it. It was like the fates had conspired to bring us together again. It was all I could do not to expose my joy to the other men, both prisoner and soldier alike.”  
“I can only imagine.” I tried to listen to the sounds outside he room. Where was Jamie I wondered?  
“I could tell almost instantly that something was wrong. The light had faded in Jamie then, he was torn, tormented and it was a tiring effort keeping him from causing himself harm and from provoking the other soldiers angst. I’d recognised the longing in him, I’d felt it myself, and I knew that without intervention that the darkness would consume him and soon.”   
My heart sank, I too had known that pain. I had wished to die myself when we had first been parted but I had Bree and Frank to help pull me out of it, eventually. Jamie had been left all alone. “I can’t imagine he made things easy for you.”  
“Far from it.” He remembered, recalling some memory from his past, “But it was worth it, and I had hoped that one day, just maybe, he may come to feel for me the way that I felt for him.”   
I sat there, speechless. Anyone who knew Jamie knew that that day would never happen.   
“He never told me what had happened to you. All he would say was that you were gone and it was clear that he had lost the will to live.” He’s infliction changed slightly, and he looked at me, accusingly. “Even dead I was no match for your memory, no one ever could be.”  
“I guess I should take that as a compliment?”  
“You should. I could see it years ago, and even when I first saw you again earlier this year. The love you two feel for each other, it radiates off of you both.” He sat up and looked sternly into my eyes. “He’s a virtuous man Claire, He’d made an oath for king and country and he would sacrifice everything as you well know to keep it. But for you Claire, for you he would forsake it all and burn in hell for all eternity if he had to, to keep you safe. I envy you, to know a love like that and I envy him because I can see in your eyes that you have the same passion for him in your heart and that you would do the same.” His body gestures changed suddenly then and he looked at me judgmentally, “That is why, I must ask you because I haven’t the courage to ask Jamie. What really happened to you?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I know what you said, that you both thought the other was dead. But for the life of me I cannot understand why you wouldn’t have written for news, why Jenny wouldn’t have contacted you, or even Jamie for that matter. Surely a love so strong wouldn’t let death keep you apart and I simply cannot rest until I understand.”  
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” How much did he know? How much could he be trusted?  
“There is something about you Claire.” He used my name so informally, “I didn’t pick up on it right away, but there’s a difference about you. Like there is with Lt Johnston. The two of you are so alike that it’s almost unmistakable. Your superior knowledge of medicine, your mannerisms, your fearlessness. Tell me Claire. I must know, what really happened to you during those missing years? Where did you go?”   
“I assure you Lord John.” Pleading with him not to push things any further. “That what I have told you is true, and I regret the time apart as much as Jamie does. There’s nothing either one of us wouldn’t do to change the way things have happened but what’s done is done and we need to leave it in the past and move on.”  
“Very well.” John took a deep breath, “I will accept your answer for now, but rest assured that if the time comes that you are ready to elaborate on your experiences some more then you will find me more than willing to listen.”  
John tapped his fingers on the table, stood up, sat down and took another deep breath like he was clearing a great weight from his chest, “You need not worry for him. My love for him is just as strong as yours, and I promise you that I will do everything in my power to see that James and those he loves are safe from any harm, including from the English. You need not worry for him Mrs Fraser. But maybe, if you are so inclined, you could say a small prayer for the rest of us poor souls who will never know a love as deep as yours.” Without further ado, he stood up “Until next time, Mrs Fraser.” He bowed and then he was gone.  
I let out a breath that I hadn’t realised I had been holding and tried to make sense of what had just happened. The closest I was able to make sense of it all was my husband’s lover trying to persuade me that nothing had happened, would ever happened and that even though his love was unrequited he would protect Jamie, and by extension me and our children, until his dying breath. In his own way he was trying to relieve my fears and to give me a little peace that I didn’t need to worry about Jamie and any retribution from the English. But what did I have to fear? Did he know about the cattle? The horses? Did he know about the stones? What exactly did he think I was worried about? If he had wanted to relieve my fears, he had only succeeded in lighting flame to ones that had not been there before. I quickly gathered my things and went to find Jamie.


End file.
